Thursday Challenge: 19 new career paths for the Big E

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

That’s what dad told us as kids. Liar! That bully who was already 5’10” in sixth grade beat the piss out of us when we tried to stand up to him.

Oh well, at least that theory applies to some people. Namely, Eric Bryan Lindros. The man was dominant – arguably one of the most dominant players of his era – but he was more fragile than John Ferguson Jr. on draft day. Had an avocado for a head.

What next for the Big E? He’s only 34. He has to find something to do, so we decided to come up with 19 new career paths for Eric Lindros.

1. Throwback action star. Let’s face it – we won’t see any martial arts or espionage from him. He needs to pummel guys with his fists and throw them into glass objects, 1980s-style. Think Road House 3: Mad Dog’s Revenge, co-starring with Rowdy Roddy Piper as his sidekick and a washed up Joe Pesci as the villain.

2. Quebec Premier.

3. Contestant on Pros vs. Joes. He’d lose to “Big Dom” from the steel mill when Dom lines him up for a huge hit and Eric dives to the ice, curls up into the fetal position and cries while sucking his thumb.

4. Owner of a big and tall clothing store chain.

5. Owner of a Mazda dealership.

6. Carpenter. Can’t you see him as that quiet guy who builds your deck, won’t except the bottle of scotch you offer him as a gift, and looks at your wife’s tits as she trots out to the backyard to bring him yet another glass of iced tea?

7. Bouncer at a high-school dance.

8. That guy who takes people’s portraits at Sears.

9. Screenwriter. He pitches a script to MGM about a “big dumb kid from the wrong side of the tracks who relies on heart to become champion.” It’s rejected when producers realize Lindros just took the Rocky script, crossed out the title with pencil crayon, and changed every instance of the word “boxing” to “hockey.”

10. Deep sea fisherman.

11. Teaching tool for neurology students. He accepts a 10-year, $68 million dollar deal to be cryogenically frozen and have his brain studied.

12. Mixed martial arts fighter. He falls to Brock Lesnar in 41 seconds. Oh well. That’s longer than he lasted against Elvis Stojko.

13. Beer league hockey legend. He becomes the Gordie Howe of the sport, crushing multiple dads with huge hits even though the league is non-contact. He wins the scoring race with 34 goals, 60 assists and 94 points in 16 games and takes the Eddie’s Bait Shop Barons to the championship.

14. Stuntman. Desperate for a hit, MGM contacts Lindros and buys his Rocky/hockey script after all. Big E finagles a deal and films the on-ice scenes for the film’s star, Patrick Wharburton.

15. Pet groomer. He’s horrible at it. Lots of complaints.

16. Cast of Dancing with the Stars. Drops an F-bomb on live television when he and his partner are beaten out by Jerry O’Connell.

17. Crash-test driver for a middling car company. Predictably, Lindros suffers a concussion on his first day – when he smacks his head on a desk while trying to pick his car keys off the floor.

18. Intern for Spirit of Jake Plummer. Quits in three days because we force him to wear a bicycle helmet to work. And put a dead beetle in his tuna sandwich.

19. Jury duty. He immediately demands a trade to another trial.

Thursday Challenge: 115 of the scariest things in sports

Double, double, toil and trouble?

Or is it bubble, bubble, toil and trouble?

Seriously. We don't know what it is. Anyhoo, it's almost Halloween. That means trick or treating (buying "Nestle Favorites" box of candy from supermarket), costumes (wrapping self in toilet paper to create "mummy" getup) and girls (your neighbour Mrs. Wilson's boobs explode out of her genie costume. Who knew she still had 'em at 44 years old?).

It also means a unique and nightmarish Thursday challenge. We decided to name 115 things that frighten the feces out of us in sports today. Here goes:

1. Gustavo Chacin’s face and existence
2. Having unprotected sex with Travis Henry.
3. Marrying Andrei Kirilenko
4. Sharing a single bed with Dennis Rodman.
5. The Colts and Pats playing to a tie in Week 9 and both teams finishing 15-0-1. Euuw.
6. Darko Milicic dating your daughter.
7. Vinny Testaverde’s knees.
8. Underwear shopping with Marv Albert.
9. The Germans.
10. English soccer hooligans.
11. Joy riding with Dany Heatley.
12. Hopping on the back of Ben Roethlisberger’s Harley.
13. John Henderson.
14. Quinton “Rampage” Jackson.
15. Bob Sapp.
16. Bob Saget.
17. Mike Tyson.
18. Spirit of Jake Plummer’s 2007 MLB playoff predictions.
19. Slamball.
20. Little gymnast chicks like Kerri Strug who train so hard that they don’t grow properly.
21. Chicks who like NASCAR.
22. Anybody who likes NASCAR.
23. Freddy Kruger. Think about it. He’s the scariest horror movie villain because, in a way, he’s real. If Freddy only lives in dreams, and we dream about Freddy, isn’t that the real Freddy?
24. Dancing With the Stars.
25. Everything about the New England Patriots.
26. Randy Moss when he tries.
27. Ilya Kovalchuk when he tries.
28. Patrick Lalime whether he tries or not.
29. Greg Oden’s prostate.
30. Celtics starting fiv – er, the Celtics starting three.
31. Sudden death overtime in the NHL playoffs when your team’s hemmed in its own zone.
32. Ron Artest.
33. Aliens.
34. Chris Kaman.
35. The young, suddenly sexy Chicago Blackhawks.
36. Anyone who plays Tecmo Super Bowl enough to get this good.
37. Clubber Lang.
38. Going over the middle when Sean Taylor’s waiting for you.
39. Shawne Merriman.
40. Dick Jauron and his undead army.
41. The city of Buffalo, New York.
42. Eric Gagne with game on the line.
43. Joel Zumaya’s fastball.
44. Elijah Dukes’ super sperm.
45. David Boston asking you to be his spotter at the gym.
46. Sitting between Prince Fielder and David Wells on a crowded flight to Australia.
47. Having Ozzie Guillen doing the toast at Lance Bass’ civil union.
48. Being A-Rod’s pool boy.
49. A three-hour lapdance featuring Phil Mickelson and his floppy, sweaty hooters.
50. Working at Chris Chelios’ restaurant.
51. Bud Selig headlining at The Improv.
52. Michael Richards headlining at The Apollo.
53. Manny Ramirez running a daycare.
54. Drinking whiskey with Milton Bradley.
55. People who think Dane Cook is funny.
56. The Canadian Football League.
57. Tiger with a lead on Sunday.
58. Sending David Beckham to your mom’s Tupperware party.
59. Jake Plummer.
60. Rex Grossman starting for your favorite football team.
61. 17 at Sawgrass.
62. The Road Hole bunker.
63. Mike Ditka wielding a microphone.
64. Adrian Peterson in the open field.
65. Shannon Sharpe “speaking.”
66. Any Super Bowl halftime show.
67. Roger Goodell.
68. Being Michael Vick’s pet.
69. Orenthal James Simpson.
70. The Madden curse.
71. All-Pro Football 2K8 on any console.
72. Officer Shaquille O’Neal.
73. Getting beat up by Marion Jones in prison.
74. Bill Wuertz’s ghost.
75. The palpable fear that you could be casually tossed to the curb like a piece of trash if you are diagnosed with cancer and are dating Lance Armstrong.
76. Insufferable Boston fans.
77. Appalachian State.
78. WNBA players.
79. The Williams sisters.
80. Roger Federer.
81. Insulting Zinedine Zidane’s family.
82. Matt Millen somehow keeping his job long enough to get the Lions to 4-2.
83. Any trade made by Mike Millbury.
84. Garth Snow being a general manager of an NHL team that isn’t on his Xbox 360.
85. John Madden’s rectum.
86. Everything about Alexander Ovechkin.
87. The Gameplan starring The Rock.
88. The Comebacks starring Champ from Anchorman.
89. Steamin’ Willie Beamen.
90. Micah Owings batting.
91. Being a Devil Rays fan.
92. Being a Dolphins fan.
93. Dan Marino’s fits of rage.
94. The fact that Gus Johnson’s brain could rupture and his heart could explode at any moment.
95. Scott Norwood attempting a game-winning field goal in the Super Bowl.
96. Restaurants that serve mac and cheese (note: we may have ordered mac and cheese in a restaurant as we worked on this article).
97. LenDale’s “training regimen” of watching reruns of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and washing down Big Macs with a nice, tall glass of turkey gravy.
98. Anderson Silva.
99. Getting in a bar fight with Forrest Griffin.
100. Herm Edwards trying to manage the clock.
101. Jonathan Papelbon
102. Visiting HSBC Arena and giving up the first goal, leading to an overwhelming explosion of chaos and bedlam among bloodthirsty Sabres fans. When they get one, they usually get a bunch.
103. Wearing BoSox gear in the Bronx.
104. Wearing Yankee gear at Fenway.
105. Wearing Royals gear.
106. The Leafs’ blueline.
107. Jose Theodore owning a Vezina and Hart trophy he didn’t steal or buy on Ebay.
108. Golem (often referred to as “Michelle Tafoya”).
109. Mike Ricci.
110. Interviewing Joe Namath.
111. Suggesting John Daly be the DD, followed by Daly slurring “I’ll fuckin’ show ya a designated driver,” grabbing an iron, and launching a golf ball through the window at White Castle.
112. Sergio Garcia putting for the win.
113. Hitting on/against Jennie Finch.
114. Charlie Villanueva’s skin condition.
115. Kevin Everett’s spine.

Throw your suggestions on the board.

Thursday Challenge: 64 athletes whose names sound like porn names

Oh, give it to me, baby!

Raffi Torres.

What does he make you think of?

(a) A probably harmless yet mildly creepy children's musician?

(b) A stumpy, underachieving, undisciplined NHL winger with major heart and a booming shot?

(c) That guy who played the yacht captain in Naughty Nautica 5 and got his pole greased by Asia Carrera?

If you chose any of the above, you probably don't have much sexual intercourse. If you chose (c), you know your porn. Needless to say, we know our porn at Spirit of Jake Plummer, just like we know loneliness, infomercials, and Maury Povich.

Doesn't Raffi Torres sound like a new-age porn star? He got us thinking. What other pro athletes have porn names? We gave it a whirl and named 64 fine gentleman for our Thursday Challenge.

Just NHL, NFL, MLB and NBA here, folks. Fred Funk and friends will make the next list.

HOT CHICKS

You won’t find anyone named Ruth or Helen here, folks. These names scream fake boobies, rug burns and money shots.

1. Coco Crisp, outfielder, Boston Red Sox

2. Darcy Tucker, winger, Toronto Maple Leafs (fit little chick that dudes flip all over the place)

3. Aubrey Huff, first baseman, Baltimore Orioles (starring in Aubrey Huff: She’ll huff, puff, and blow your cock down)

4. Hunter Pence, OF, Houston Astros

5. Kiko Calero, P, Oakland Athletics (Asian schoolgirl fantasy)

6. Hayden Penn, P, Baltimore Orioles

7. Huston Street, P, Oakland Athletics

8. Sidney Crosby, center, Pittsburgh Penguins

9. Dallas Drake, winger, Detroit Red Wings

10. Jocelyn Thibault, goalie, Buffalo Sabres

11. Lindsey Hunter, guard, Detroit Pistons (sounds like an uberskank)

12. Jamario Moon, forward, Toronto Raptors

13. Lee Evans, wide receiver, Buffalo Bills

14. Tatum Bell, running back, Detroit Lions

15. Sidney Rice, wide receiver, Minnesota Vikings

16. Marcedes Lewis, tight end, Jacksonville Jaguars

17. Ashley Lelie, wide receiver, San Francisco 49ers

18. Devin Hester, wide receiver, Chicago Bears

19. Dominique Foxworth, cornerback, Denver Broncos

20. Kerry Rhodes, strong safety, New York Jets

DIRECTORS/PRODUCERS

A few gonzo projects aside, these guys work behind the camera. Without them, it’d be Sears Catalogue for you, chap.

21. Gabe Gross, outfielder, Milwaukee Brewers (mastermind behind famous Gabe Gross’ Stinkhouse series)

22. Dave Davidson, pitcher, Pittsburgh Pirates (2007 ERA: 22.50; number of ladies over 22 in Dave Davidson’s films: zero)

23. Alexander Semin, winger, Washington Capitals (won an AVN award for Semin’s Suckfest 8)

24. Smush Parker, guard, Miami Heat

25. Frank Gore, running back, San Francisco 49ers

26. Wes Welker, wide receiver, New England Patriots

27. Johnny Jolly, defensive tackle, Green Bay Packers (taps unique market with Big and Jolly series)

CHEESY, OBVIOUS RETRO PORN STARS WITH TRASHY FACIAL HAIR

Yes, we get it. Your name is Dick Cox. It reminds us of penises. It works perfectly because you star in pornography. Sigh. Viewers were so easy to please in 1976.

28. Lance Broadway, pitcher, Chicago White Sox (renowned for his work in musical adult film)

29. Kevin Cash, catcher, Boston Red Sox

30. Grady Sizemore, outfielder, Cleveland Indians

31. Rocky Cherry, pitcher, Baltimore Orioles (specializes in deflowering “virgins”)

32. Jimmy Gobble, pitcher, Kansas City Royals

33. Luther Head, guard, Houston Rockets

34. Reggie Bush, running back, New Orleans Saints (serves market for pubic hair fetishes/everyone born before 1970)

35. Bobby Blizzard, tight end, Cincinnati Bengals (best work in Wet Christmas and White Caps)

36. Aaron Moorehead, wide receiver, Indianapolis Colts

37. Rocky Bernard, defensive tackle, Seattle Seahawks

38. Nick Mangold, center, New York Jets

39. Damien Woody, center, Detroit Lions

GENERIC FAKE NAME GUYS

So you’ve chosen a life in pornography, but you’re still smart enough to realize you don’t want your real name pasted all over the credits. Hey, why bother putting any thought into a pseudonym when you can just whip up something that totally sounds like it’s made up? Preferably, it should imply you’re a man with a very hard penis.

40. Jarret Jack, guard, Portland Trial Blazers

41. Rocco Baldelli, outfielder, Tampa Bay Devil Rays

42. Robb Quinlan, first baseman, Los Angeles Angels (second “b” in Robb cements Quinlan’s trashy porn-name status)

43. Cody Ransom, shortstop, Houston Astros

44. Nick Swisher, outfielder, Oakland Athletics

45. B.J. Ryan, pitcher, Toronto Blue Jays

46. Kip Wells, pitcher, St. Louis Cardinals

47. Randy Wolf, pitcher, Los Angeles Dodgers

48. Kerry Wood, pitcher, Chicago Cubs

49. Chet Mason, guard, Cleveland Cavaliers

50. Micki Dupont, defenseman, St. Louis Blues

51. Jeff Finger, defenseman, Colorado Avalanche

52. Jeremy Shockey, tight end, New York Giants

53. Michael Ryder, winger, Montreal Canadiens

54. Ben Steele, tight end, Houston Astros

55. Brad Hoover, tight end, Carolina Panthers (gay industry’s answer to Jenna Jameson)

56. Nick Goings, running back, Carolina Panthers

57. Rock Cartwright, running back, Washington Redskins

58. A.J. Feeley, quarterback, Philadelphia Eagles

59. Boss Bailey, linebacker, Detroit Lions

60. Tank Williams, strong safety, Minnesota Vikings

SERIOUSLY, THESE ARE REAL NAMES

These aren’t pornoriffic, per se. They just make us laugh. Like male porn stars who are out of shape and have to wear a T-shirt when they shoot a scene.

61. J.J. Furmaniak, shortstop, Oakland Athletics

62. Boof Bonser, pitcher, Minnesota Twins

63. John Vigilante, winger, Nashville Predators

64. Pooh Jeter, guard, Sacramento Kings

Thursday Challenge: 38 reasons why we're pumped for the NHL season

Larkin loooooves hockey. Not because he was good at it, though. He sucked. But he was a goober who memorized stats and collected hockey stickers. So Hurk tickled him pink when he challenged him to name 38 reasons why he’s giddy about the start of the NHL season.

We can't wait for:

1. Mark Bell drunkenly stealing the Zamboni during an intermission, crashing into four pee-wee hockey players and leaving the scene of the crime.

2. Watching Alexander Ovechkin bury more pucks in the net than ever before, since Kev the Intern’s socially outcast uncle, a.k.a Chris Clark, won’t be feeding him anymore.

3. A long-awaited steroid scandal rocking the NHL. Bertuzzi?

4. Roberto Luongo breaking his ankle after slipping in the pool of hair gel in his crease.

5. Luongo’s hair gel pool stopping a trickling puck from crossing the line in overtime in Game 6 of the Western Conference final, creating massive controversy.

6. Taking a Zambuca shot on Saturday night every time Don Cherry says “I’ll tell you right now.”

7. Playoff beards.

8. Seeing Jeremy Roenick play six enthusiastic games for the Sharks before crashing face first into the boards and breaking his cheekbone.

9. Never having to observe Mike Ricci’s disgusting existence again.

10. The Blackhawks finally having hope because Bill Wirtz is dead.

11. Being blinded by the Sedin Twins’ sheer orangeness

12. Seeing Toronto newspapers declare the Leafs top cup contenders after a Friday night win, then picking them for last place when they lose the next night.

13. Garth Snow trading two first round draft picks for Glen Murray at the trade deadline…when the Islanders are 14 points out of eighth.

14. NBC introducing a “water bottle tracker” graphic for each player, showing how many sips they take between shifts.

15. Hockey hair.

16. Buying fried baloney sandwiches at Buffalo’s HSBC centre. Seriously.

17. Laughing at Washington’s Alexander Semin. Haha. Semin.

18. Chris Pronger sticking his penis in Brian Burke’s daughter and getting run out of Anaheim.

19. Chris Simon committing murder on national television.

20. Mats Sundin being in a wheelchair by year’s end.

21. No one getting arrested for anything.

22. Huge open ice hits.

23. Cursing out foreigners for their dainty play and unpronounceable names.

24. Chris Drury and Scott Gomez making guest appearances on Saturday Night Live and bombing when the audience doesn’t know who they are.

25. Enjoying the Crosby era, the first true “era” since Wayne and Mario made us cream our pants nightly.

26. Playoff overtime winners.

27. Glove saves.

28. Buffalo’s annoying but awesome goal buzzer.

29. Buffalo’s annoying but awesome announcer.

30. Seeing Wayne Gretzky looking as intimidating as a sunflower on the Coyotes’ bench.

31. Ovechkin and Kovalchuk’s goal celebrations.

32. Goalie fights.

33. Last year’s finalists not suddenly becoming shitty this year.

34. Ray Emery putting Michael Vick’s portrait on his mask.

35. Daniel Briere and Simon Gagne making Philadelphia citizens slightly less prejudiced against French Canadians.

36. John Tortorella throwing his goalies, defense corps, trainer, massage therapist, children, lawyer, dog and ex-wife under the bus in a post-game interview.

37. Theo Fleury swinging down from the Saddledome rafters during a Flames/Oilers titlt wearing a cape and Phantom of the Opera mask, crashing to the ice, vomiting, crying, beating the shit out of Dwayne Roloson, hurling a stick into the stands and taking a shit on the Oilers blueline.

38. Tim Connolly dazzling us with his soft hands before his soft skull explodes like a pumpkin when Saku Koivu blows on it.

Thursday Challenge: 22 funny places to imagine Bobby Cox getting ejected from besides a baseball game

This week, Bobby Cox was ejected a record 132^nd time -- and a 133^rd time for good measure. It got us wondering -- isn’t it likely Cox has been exploding off the field as well? After all, the best don’t become the best until they focus solely on their craft; they take their work home. But where exactly does the Atlanta Braves manager blow up when he’s not in uniform, and what does it take to set this ticking time bomb off?

Thursday Challenge has all the answers: Twenty-two places off the baseball diamond where we figure Bobby Cox goes more spastic than a Special Ed kid after eating a bag of sugar. The best part is picturing Cox unleashing his 27 years of angry baseball experience, berating some poor sap in a position of limited authority at any given location or establishment.

Take no. 8, for example. Just picture Cox screaming,”12 bucks for a damn omelette!? What do you take me for? WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?”

And a pock-marked assistant manager trying to fight him off: “It’s store policy, sir. It’s just store policy. There’s nothing I can do. I…I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Then picture Bobby kicking chairs and tossing napkins at the guy's feet. There you have it! Just apply that scenario to each of these ejection locations:

1. A gentleman’s club (No touching the boobies, Bobby!)

2. Checking out his groceries (Cashier scans his jar of pickles twice)

3. His wife’s bed (Dutch oven causes rift between him and Mrs. Cox)

4. His wife’s vagina (sometimes he tries the Dutch oven while they’re having sex)

5. Chuck E. Cheese (stuffed rat skimped on the pepperoni)

6. His grandson’s room (stupid punk hogs the Xbox)

7. Wal-Mart Superstores (their vast size confuses and infuriates him)

8. Denny’s (argues $11.95 for an Ultimate Omelette is a crime against humanity, lets assistant manager know it)

9. Men’s washroom (finds the guy at the door with all the cologne too pushy for tips)

10. Flea market (is frustrated because he looks like a fool when the “antique” ottoman he got a deal on is worth nothing at Antiques Road Show)

11. Circus (finds bears riding mini-bikes unsettling)

12. Hooters (No touching the boobies, Bobby!)

13. His daughter’s wedding (disapproves of premarital sex, lashes out at groom’s father)

14. His neighbour’s yard (Jim next door borrowed hedge trimmer with a full tank of gas, returned it empty)

15. Downtown Atlanta parking spot (tries explaining to meter maid he “only left it there for five minutes)

16. Holiday Inn Express (feels slighted, doesn’t seem any smarter like those guys in the commercials)

17. The set of The View (no touching the boobies, Bobby!)

18. University classroom (professor’s evolution lecture is “the devil’s talk”)

19, Blockbuster Video (he returned Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous months ago! What’s with the Gestapo treatment?)

20. Phil Mickelson’s car (no touching the boobies, Bobby!)

21. United Airlines flight 145 (he has a right to recline his seat)

22. A public pool in an Atlanta suburb (if the kids are allowed to pee in the pool, why can’t he?)

Thursday Challenge: Ranking NFL quarterbacks by attractiveness (what?)

Well, it’s time for Thursday Challenge, and apparently we’re already moving into “Let’s embarrass the other guy with it as much as possible” territory. Basically, it went down like this:

LARKIN: Buddy, do you have any problems with your sexuality?
HURK: Uh, no, I don’t think so.
LARKIN: So you’re not homophobic or anything?
HURK: Haha, no, of course not, why do you ask?
LARKIN: Ok, Thursday Challenge: rank every starting NFL quarterback by attractiveness.
HURK: …

Oh, well. A Thursday Challenge is a Thursday Challenge. Remember, while my evaluations are subjective, you are an idiot and everything I say goes (besides, I doubt we’ll get a lot of debate about this one on the message board).

Let the science begin:

HOTTIES
1. Tom Brady, NE - Obviously.

2. Vince Young, TEN -- Tall, strong and handsome, VY is just straight up a good looking cat.

3. Phillip Rivers, SD -- A nice, friendly looking person. Rivers seems like the “older brother” type, the guy with a 14-year-old sister whose friends come over for sleepovers just to fawn over him.

4. Byron Leftwich, JAX - I’ve seen multiple interviews and he’s got a great personality. He’s a nice guy with a big smile, but he was kind of soft, like the dude in high school who all the girls said is cute and somebody should date (but would never date themselves). He finally got tired of being the nice guy, worked out all summer, lost some weight, and now all the chicks want into his girdle.

5. Brady Quinn, CLE - I’ll acknowledge him this high because I know most chicks dig him, but I can’t help but think he’s a little elf-like.

6. Tony Romo, DAL - Romo has already exchanged semen for vaginal fluids with Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood. He’s doing fine.

7. Matt Leinart, ARI - The scruffy Leinart is a serial celebrity banger (though, I suppose it’s not difficult to hump Paris Hilton; Penis? Check), so he deserves to be up here.

ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH TO BE ON TV, BUT NOT ENOUGH TO DATE SOMEONE ON TV
8. Chad Pennington, NYJ - Sure, his athleticism is uninspiring -- my mom can throw a ball farther -- and he's almost a little goofy looking, but he’s a Rhodes Scholar, and brains are sexy too.

9. Daunte Culpepper, OAK - He’s got a good smile, seems like one of those fun lovin’ types (see: Minnesota Love Boat).

10. Drew Brees, NO - I’d have him higher if I wasn’t so distracted by that thing on his face.

11. Jason Campbell, WAS - A good looking kid. I feel he should eschew the moustache and goatee split for a full out goatee, but to each his own.

SLEEPERS
12. Tarvaris Jackson, MIN - He needs to smile more. Here he looks kind of mean, but here is pretty good.

13. Carson Palmer, CIN - Some hair gel might go a long way.

GOLDEN GIRLS DIVISION
14. Steve McNair, BAL - He looks a lot younger than he is, more handsome that hot. Though I feel like he’d be clumsy and accident prone around the house, which would be a turn off.

15. Brett Favre, GB - Not your traditional, All-American golden boy. Think Marlboro Man, with a scruffy Favre leaning against some cedar rails on his ranch (try not to think about him riding a lawn tractor around his Mississippi property wearing a sleeveless T-shirt).

16. Matt Hasselbeck, SEA - Sorry, Matt, but you lose points for losing your hair.

GUYS WHO PROBABLY THINK THEY'RE HOT SHIT
17. Matt Schaub, TEX - He’s kind of sleepy looking, isn’t he? And that grin. Maybe he's the stoner on your floor that was always wearing flip flops no matter what the weather was?

18. Ben Roethlisberger, PIT - With the goatee, backwards hat and sleeveless shirts, Big Ben reminds me of your average drunken frat boy.

19. Jeff Garcia, TB - I really don’t see anything special in Garcia but, for what it’s worth, he is nailing a former Playmate of the Year.

AWKWARD WHITE GUYS
20. Marc Bulger, STL; Damon Huard, KC; Jake Delhomme, CAR; Trent Green, MIA - Can you really tell Bulger, Huard, Delhomme and Green apart? At first glance, you’d guess each was a dad of three and sold insurance for a living.

MANNINGS
24. Eli Manning, NYG - He looks like somebody’s dopey kid brother that you’re a dick to and make play goalie in road hockey, but he really hates it and sucks so every few minutes, when he tries to quit, you have to say “No, Eli, you’re doing good buddy, c’mon, don’t leave!” At least Eli finally beat his brother at something.

25. Peyton Manning, IND - If only he were as pretty as one of his long-bomb spirals.

STEVE BUSCEMI DIVISION
26. Michael Vick, ATL - There’s a bit of a cocky snarl in Vick’s face, the shady type who’d kick your dog while you weren’t looking. Or body slam and electrocute it. Whatever works.

27. Donovan McNabb, PHI - He always seems to be wearing a T-shirt and a messy ’fro. And his face is too big. I don’t like it.

28. Jon Kitna, DET - Pretty sure he's a Nazi.

29. Rex Grossman, CHI - I feel like Grossman is a little sloppy under his pads, like the freshman who’d never drank before university and went to way too many keggers and put on 16 pounds. And he has a small, squinty face or something.

30. Jay Cutler, DEN - Not a pretty man. I don’t think even if he got a haircut that worked for this decade would help.

31. J.P. Losman, BUF - A real-life Bobby Boucher.

32. Alex Smith, SF - The best way to describe him is "goblin-like."

Ok, there’s your list, Larkin, you fucking prick. You can look forward to your challenge for next week: List in ascending order each starting NFL running back you’d most like to perform oral sex on if you had a gun held to your head. I’m now going to go reaffirm my manliness and masturbate to some lesbian porn.

Thursday Challenge: 19 ways to fix the Tour de France

So we were watching the Tour de France last week and – just kidding. Imagine if we were actually watching, though. Would you disown us? We would. The Tour de France sucks. It sucks worse than a John Travolta movie – but the DVD fell out of its case and you accidentally put it in the Gigli case. So the Tour de France sucks worse than a Travolta movie wrapped in a Gigli case.

But we shouldn’t give up on that overblown, juiced up monstrosity of a sporting event, right? That’s why Hurk challenged Larkin to cook up 19 ways to fix the Tour de France. Bon appetite.

1. Allow unicyclists to enter. Imagine the deaths when they hit rough terrain?

2. Equip the bikes with lasers.

3. Kick off the race with a celebrity pro-am. Athletes share a double bike with a celebrity. Picture Floyd Landis and Mary Hart from Entertainment Tonight riding together. They hit a rock, Hart flies head first into a tree, then starts malfunctioning. Wires and nuts and bolts come out of her ears, then she grabs a nearby little girl by the throat and choke-slams her.

4. Allow custom riding outfits. Tuxedos and gorilla suits would be cool.

5. Have John Madden do colour commentary. “You know, racing is…is about winning. You’re either gonna win, or you’re not gonna win. A lot of guys lose, and one guy wins. Often you see one guy win one year, and BOOM! Another guy wins another year. You pedal with your feet, and the moves."

6. Let ’roid ragers race, but they have to do it on foot.

7. Have Lakitu from the Super Mario Bros. games hover on his cloud and throw the spiny-shelled things at the racers (Remember him? What a prick).

8. Helicopter David Hasselhoff around the event and repeatedly place him at random points on the track. Watch him stumble and grasp at the riders as they swerve to avoid him.

9. Dip the yellow jersey in urine. The race will stay super close since everyone will want to be in second place until the end.

10. Remove the breaks from every bike.

11. Turn the event into a triathlon…sort of. Racers enter water but must ride their bikes through the water. Then they run…while carrying their bikes.

12. Put jumps and ramps on the track. Let BMX guys enter.

13. Have the race pass through Spain…at the same time as the running of the bulls.

14. Enter Lance Armstrong with a child’s 10-speed bike and see what he can do.

15. Enter Joe Pesci. Why Joe Pesci? Dunno. It would just be hilarious to see Pesci puffing, sweating and swearing while he pedals up a hill.

16. Cancel it.

17. Allow only monkey-lizard tandems to race. The monkeys drive the bikes with lizards in their respective sidecars. Can you say FOX’s next ratings juggernaut?

18. Guillotine whoever finishes last in each stage.

19. Feed the contestants only Fruit Roll-Ups for the entire event.

Thursday Challenge: 41 reasons to look forward to the NFL's return

Is it just us, or is the summertime sports schedule blander than a two-hour video of Tim Duncan eating Melba toast?

We love baseball as much as anyone, but enough of the monotony; we need a little flavour in our lives. One can only take so much of watching Josh Towers pitch every five days or Sportscentre leading off with Tour de France coverage.

As such, Larkin challenged Hurk to list 41 random reasons to look forward to the NFL’s return.

“Forty-one reasons,” mocked Hurk. “Surely, you underestimate me.”

1. The first time Sportscentre shows this.

2. The first time a head coach tops this.

3. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann.

4. Watching the next chapter of Eli Manning’s gradual mental breakdown as he continues realizing he’s not his brother and he hates football.

5. Watching an artery in Tom Coughlin’s head explode during an interview with Bonnie Bernstein, showering the reporter’s shirt with blood. B-squared is forced to finish the broadcast topless.

6. Mike Holmgren missing most of the third quarter against Philadelphia because he ate four cheesesteaks before the game and couldn’t get off the can.

7. Edgerrin James committing suicide after his request for a trade to Indy is denied.

8. The Bengals signing Andy Reid’s kids.

9. Cris Collinsworth calling decisions “inexcusable” and being in complete disbelief every time someone does something stupid.

10. Herm Edwards trying to manage the clock.

11. Steve McNair being hit and losing control of his bowels on the field. We can only pray he’ll be wearing white pants.

12. Bill Simmons’ stubborn refusal to acknowledge LaDainian Tomlinson as LT.

13. Analysts’ stubborn refusal to compare white receivers to black receivers (“Kevin Curtis really reminds me of Ed McCaffrey”) .

14. A formal apology from Minneapolis police after bringing in Brad Childress on kiddie-diddlin’ charges.

15. Roger Goodell tightening his dictatorial grip on the league and throwing himself a Hitler-esque midseason parade.

16. The late-season flexible schedule.

17. Hitting Ralph Wilson Stadium for Bills-Pats and our buddy Malcolm, a Buffalo fan, getting trashed off three beers. Inside, he’ll comment that he didn’t know the Bills got new uniforms, which he thinks are terrible -- while New England is warming up.

18. Jerome Bettis getting so fat he’ll have to work from his own studio, which is really just a large pile of soiled mattresses surrounded by cameras.

19. Jeremy Shockey patronizing somebody’s culture, race, religion, sexual orientation, fashion sense or pet, then dropping three balls in his next game.

20. Games that actually affect the bigger picture.

21. When people start trying to justify why their surefire sleeper teams didn’t make the playoffs (see: 2006 Arizona Cardinals, 2007 Detroit Lions).

22. LenDale White suffering a heart attack and dying on the field after this fourth consecutive carry. Ron Dayne sympathizes.

23. Chris Henry drawing a gun from his handwarmer and shooting Ed Reed in the face on route to the end zone in his Week 10 return against Baltimore. During the ensuing celebration, Henry is stabbed in the kidney and killed. No killer is found, though Ray Lewis is quickly whisked away in a field cart after the incident and claims to have seen nothing.

24. Ocho Cinco.

25. Searching for Jake Plummer’s replacement as my new favourite whipping boy (I’m watching you, Jake Delhomme).

26. Jon Gruden effectively ending my search by coaxing Jake Plummer out of retirement in Week 4 (cross your fingers!).

27. Michael Vick. Anything to do with Michael Vick.

28. Players actually believing God gives a shit about who wins a football game.

29. Ed Hochuli punching out Todd Pinkston after the receiver bumps the official over a pass interference call.

30. Peyton Manning having a career year for commercials filmed.

32. Snow games.

33. Rex Grossman not completing a pass until Week 3 (the Bears will be 2-1).

34. Buffalo fans finally saying “Fuck it, I don’t care anymore” and just getting up and walking out of the stadium midseason, never to return again.

35. That fat guy in Minnesota who dresses like a Viking.

36. Matt Leinart going on the IR in November with gonorrhea.

37. My Dad quitting on the Jets by Week 3, getting back on the wagon by Week 9, and quitting football entirely by Week 10.

38. Commentators freebasing Brett Favre’s scrotum and explaining his 40-yard interception “is just as good as a punt.”

39. Spending 13 consecutive hung-over hours on the couch on Sundays, with the most difficult decision of the day being one of the following: a) should I get up and take a leak now or try and hold off for another hour? or b) wings or pizza?

40. Not being so desperate for website content that I have to write absurdly inane lists about leagues that don’t begin for two months.

41. NO JOE THEISMANN.

Thursday challenge: 19 reasons to hate Phil Mickelson

Hurk and Larkin are competitive. If one of them slips and falls, the other rejoices. They like to challenge each other to stuff. Each week, one will challenge the other to create a list of reasons why something in the universe is the way it is. Unless, of course, you've got a challenge for us. Oh, you do, Rico? Fire us an email at spiritofjakeplummer@gmail.com.

You’ve probably noticed that we hate Phil Mickelson. Especially Larkin. He quivers with rage every time that floppy sea lion of a man trudges up a fairway. So Hurk challenged Larkin to name 19 reasons why he hates Mickelson.

19 REASONS WHY PHIL MICKELSON IS A MAGGOT POO-POO SANDWICH

1. His beaver teeth.
2. He uses those beaver teeth to fake smile.
3. He has bad posture.
4. I’ve only been with two women whose breasts are bigger than his.
5. Phil? Crappy name. Phil Donahue, Punxsutawney Phil, Phil Leotardo. All crappy.
6. He was spoiled. Had a sandtrap in his backyard growing up.
7. His wife is hot.
8. His eyes are droopy.
9. Mickelson to a fan taking a photo: "Come on, guys. It’s the Masters for cryin’ out loud!"
10. Wristbrace.
11. You just know he’d be a stickler if you played Scrabble with him.
12. He lactates as he golfs. You can see the milk pooling on his shirts.
13. He’s a lefty. That’s abnormal. We must persecute those who are different.
14. The Ford Motor Company owns his soul.
15. A friend of a friend of Mike Weir’s cousin told my dad that Mickelson opened a chocolate bar wrapper during Weir’s backswing. Weir told him not to do it again, and Mickelson did it again a few holes later. I’m not making this up.
16. He’s a generally sloppy human being. An eyesore.
17. You can’t play as him in any version of EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour. Is he one of those hotshots like Barry Bonds who never gives his name to a video game?
18. I tried to look up the meaning of his last name online and couldn’t find it.
19. That time he choked at __________________ (insert any major)