The PUP: Week 7

Summarizing Week 7 in 50 Words or Less:

We’ve officially reached the point where the only games left that actually matter are New England-Indianapolis in Week 9 and New England-Indianapolis in the AFC Championship game.

Musings and Observations:

● Mike Nolan and Jack Del Rio’s choice to wear suits this season was an excellent one, but maybe it’s time for Del Rio to go back to the golf shirt or windbreaker. During Monday’s blowout loss to the Colts, it wasn’t long before Del Rio was stalking the sidelines with his tie pulled loose and the top button on his collar undone. What kind of confidence does that disheveled look inspire? You think Vince Lombardi or Tom Landry would have loosened their ties on the sideline? Throw in the tired, “What now?” face he wore all night and it looked like his partner at the firm just stole Del Rio’s best client and ran away with his wife.

● Why not just switch Devin Hester to wide receiver completely? He’s not better than Rashied Davis or Mark Bradley?

● SOJP is desperately trying to ignore Eli Manning’s continuing development into a decent NFL quarterback.

● Don’t you hate games like Tennessee-Houston? On paper, it was an interesting match-up, but with Vince Young out and Matt Schaub injured early, it was about as appealing as one of your buddies farting in your mouth.

Two hours later you feel vindicated when the ticker pops up and Tennessee is romping by four touchdowns. Then the fourth quarter begins and suddenly the score is 29-14. “Heh,” you chuckle to yourself, “Sage Rosenfels threw a touchdown. Hilarious.” You’re still not really paying attention as Houston continues adding “garbage touchdowns” until you realize there’s two minutes left in the game and suddenly the Houston Rosenfels are only down by six. You’ve just missed the best game of the week because you were too busy watching close trash like Lions-Bucs.

● Somehow, Kansas City is 4-3. We didn’t expect them to win four games until September ’08.

● Also, if you haven’t been paying attention to KC’s Jared Allen, start.

● What happens to kickers when they celebrate after a big game? Rob Bironas nailed an NFL-record eight field goals against Houston, including the game winner, and obviously the team went out to celebrate afterward. Did the team truly appreciate him and treat him like gold, if only for a night? Or is it sort of like when you and your buddies are doing a birthday for that guy from work nobody really likes, but nobody ever told him to get lost so he just keeps hanging around, so you buy him tons of shots to make him throw up and send him home with a fat chick and no condoms?

● Jason Taylor is on the verge of snapping like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. All year he’s been throwing out hilarious quotes about the apocalyptic-like state of the Dolphins. “We can’t win in America,” Taylor said after the game, whose Dolphins travel to London, England this week. “Maybe we can win overseas.”

● Tom Brady is a machine. He comes out of the game after pumping Miami, takes off his gear, and starts fucking around on the sidelines, wondering what positions he and Gisele are gonna do tonight. Matt Cassel enters the game, craps the bed like Drew Carey after a chili-eating contest, gets yanked, and Brady goes back in. Four plays, 59 yards, touchdown, Tom Brady to Wes Welker. Un-but-slowly-becoming-believable.

● We think Kevin Williams actually died during a long fumble return touchdown against Dallas, which was called back anyway. We know you weigh 300-pounds, but c’mon. We expect that shit when Prince Fielder attempts a bunt, not from an NFL football player.

● With Ronnie Brown done for the year, please let the Dolphins bring Ricky Williams back to the comedy can continue.

Choke on Your Chow Mien Stat of the Week:

The Detroit Lions are 4-2.

Kurt’s Krazy Komeback Watch:

Despite wearing a bulky brace on his mangled left arm, Warner went 27 of 41 for 282 yards, a pair of scores and two picks. He put his team in position to win with a late drive to get within two points of Washington, and another that set up Neil Rackers for a game-winning field goal attempt. Rackers missed. Despite an admirable performance, the magic isn’t back yet.

KKK Watch: steady

Half-assed SOJP Apology of the Week:

Dear Brian Griese,

Despite you playing well and putting up some points, last week, we called the Bears offense pathetic. We’re sorry for the rips, even though we’re gonna do it again later in this column. Still, going from Rex Grossman to you is like going from Mountain Dew to Dr. Pepper. Woo…hoo?

Week 7 Power Rankings:

1. New England Patriots: Absolutely terrifying; can they be stopped?

2. Indianapolis Colts: 29 points against a tough Jacksonville defense

3. Dallas Cowboys: Sloppier than a drunken prom date, but a win is a win

4. New York Giants: Defense set up 24 points against San Fran

5. Green Bay Packers: Did McCarthy find a running game over the bye week?

6. Pittsburgh Steelers: Big Ben up to his kinda good/kinda crappy tricks

Suicide Watch: Whose fans are looking for an extension cord and a strong support beam in the basement?

Philadelphia Eagles. Brian Griese drives 97 yards in less than two minutes with no time outs. Brian Griese. Of the Chicago Bears. With no timeouts. Not good, Eagle fans. Not good.

Honorary Jake Plummer Award for Inexplicable Stupidity/Being a Complete Bust or Letdown/General Incompetence Watch:

1. New Orleans Saints – seasons stats: 2-4

Reggie Bush deserves lots of credit for the past two wins; his blood and guts running is making a difference for New Orleans. Maybe he can get them off this list

2. Donovan McNabb – season stats: 1447 passing yards, seven touchdowns, two interceptions

Eagles scoring less than a Dungeons & Dragons world champion; McNabb not the only one to blame, but we don’t care

3. Adrian Peterson – season stats: 670 yards, 6.2 avg., five touchdowns

Hype machine is out of control; anything less than 150 total yards a couple of scores per game is unsatisfactory

4. Travis Henry – seasons stats: 549 yards, 4.9 avg., one touchdown

Considering his scoring proficiency off the field, one touchdown isn’t good enough

5. Any team that kicks to Devin Hester – 23.6 yards per KR, 19.4 yards per PR, three touchdowns

Finally, somebody wised up; no special team touches for Hester versus Philly

Moving out: Chicago Bears defense

Kev’s Picks

Each Friday, Kev picks football games. Bear in mind, he is a parasite, a disease of football picking. His picks are more pathetic than Stephen Hawking trying to hit a piñata. You’ve been warned.

Each week, the PUP reviews the previous week’s picks:

Colts @ Jags (+3): Kev’s “upset special” was “upset” and “special” like a child with Down syndrome who can’t reach the cookie jar. Kev loses!

Titans @ Texans (+1): As usual, Kev is teased and screwed over by a current or former Dolphin; Sage Rosenfels can’t quite do enough to bring back the Texans. Kev loses!

Bears @ Eagles (-5.5): SOJP’s star prognosticator rips Bears’ defense; Chicago responds by holding Philly to 16 points. Kev loses!

Steelers (-3.5) @ Broncos: Pittsburgh runs for 119 yards, but it’s nowhere near the rushing romp the Intern expected. Kev loses!

Ravens (-3) @ Bills: Perhaps the Intern should have cared a little more about his pick in the “Who Cares Bowl” of the week; this cost him a $500 bet (well… plus the other four losses). Kev loses!

This week: 0-5 (holy hell!)

Season record: 3-7

Predictions for Week 7:

Vinny Testaverde goes into cardiac arrest after Dwight Freeney puts a helmet in his sternum. He convulses on the sidelines throughout the second quarter as David Carr replaces him and throws three picks. At halftime, Panthers team doctor Pat Connor saves Testaverde’s life with a defibrillator. Standing in the corner of the dressing room, chomping on gum, his hands on his broad knees, head coach John Fox has an idea.

CONNOR: ….he’s not doing well, John. I, I saved him…this time. But I don’t know how many more times I can –

FOX: You’re not paid to predict the future, Doc. Get out the smelling salts and cortisone and morphine, or whatever the hell it is you need to get Vinny on that football field.

CONNOR: But coach Fox, this is suicide!

FOX: Last time I checked, suicide means killing yourself. And this choice has nothing to do with Vinny. This is more like Eucalyptus.

CONNOR: Euthanasia?

FOX: Right. Ok, good talk, then. Let’s revive Vinny and win a fuckin’ football game.

A gurgling sound explodes from the trainer’s table. Testaverde coughs up blood and tries to speak.

VINNY: g-glurp…oh God…oh Jesus….help me. Please. I…I’m dying.

FOX: Vinny, you’re here, baby, Coach Fox is here. You’re back. Let’s get on that football field. DOC, GET OVER HERE! HE’S TALKING! HE WANTS BACK INTO THE GAME!

VINNY: No….please…I…I see my grandparents….I see….my old golden retriever Ralphie.

CONNOR: Oh my God. Coach, we can’t do this!

FOX: Doc, you’re a good man. Now gimme that needle and look away. Let’s see here…can’t be much to it…just jam into the affected area, right?

Fox stabs a cortisone injection into Testaverde’s heart. Testaverde jumps from the operating table and stumbles into Fox.

VINNY: I’m cold…

FOX: Well, we best get you warmed up then, son. Ride the bike, son. Ride the bike. We got a game to win. OK, PANTHERS, COME ON, NOW, LET’S COME TO PLAY, I DON’T CARE IF IT’S 21-0 RIGHT NOW, VINNY’S BACK BABY, VINNY’S BACK, LET’S GO!

CONNOR: …I hate my job.

Testaverde throws two TDs and a pick in the second half as the Panthers fall 42-17 to Indy. He is not available for post game comments and isn’t seen at practice all week.

The PUP: Week 6

Summarizing Week 6 in 50 Words or Less:

Week 6 offered a bevy of lame match-ups, but nobody seemed to care with New England-Dallas on the schedule. What did we learn? The Cowboys are good, but the Patriots are great – maybe one of the greatest ever, if they can somehow maintain this pace for an entire season.

Musings and Observations:

● Vinny Testaverde led his undead army of lost souls to a win over Arizona. Actually, we’re not positive Vinny – or any of the Carolina Panthers, for that matter – are unholy warriors of the damned. But given that was, indeed, 43-year-old Vinny Testaverde not only playing but playing well, we can only assume.

● By the way, how do you feel if you’re David Carr? You just watched a 43-year-old guy who’s colorblind and was at home on the couch last week after taking his kids to school start in your place, make beautiful music with Steve Smith (who, in the past two weeks, you’d connected with nine times for a paltry 79 yards) and you’re the one with the bad back.

● Reggie Bush sure looked pissed after his first carry against Seattle on Sunday night, when he took the ball up the middle and raced 22 yards before running over a Seahawks defensive back. Perhaps he’s tired of hearing that he’s a bust and is incapable of carrying the load; replays revealed Bush’s furrowed brow and fiery eyes after that first scamper. Normally, the halfback stutters in the hole like a jogger trying to slam on the brakes after losing a contact lens. Against Seattle, Bush finally ran with some conviction.

● Is Marion Barber Will Ferrell? Think about it: everyone in their right mind believes Barber is a better back than Julius Jones. Scouts, general managers, armchair quarterbacks, Julius Jones’s grandmother.

What if, though, when thrust in the spotlight, Barber falters? Perhaps, the Cowboys staff knows something we don’t, and Barber, like Ferrell, is best utilized in small-but-brilliant bursts (Old School, Wedding Crashers, Saturday Night Live) versus being the center of attention for a couple of hours (Kicking and Screaming, Bewitched, Blades of Glory).

● Cool/high comedy moment-of-the-weekend you may not have noticed: Fred Taylor shaking it old school, exploding down the left sideline for a 76-yard gain against Houston. Taylor ran out of gas toward the end of the run and subsequently missed the rest of the series as training staff scrambled to find a defibrillator. Cameras actually caught the running back wheezing on the sidelines before he turned to a teammate and joked about throwing an asthma fit like Piggy from Lord of the Flies.

● Brad Childress needs to spend less time (presumably) feeding small children his penis and more time feeding Adrian Peterson the football. We know they’re trying to keep “AD” (All Day, Peterson prefers to be called) fresh and they don’t want him to get hurt and blah blah blah. It’s not really a concern, considering nobody can catch him.

● Jason Campbell has been getting his leg humped quite a bit lately, but we’re beginning to buy into the hype. He looked very poised against Green Bay, despite being terrorized by Aaron Kampman and his receivers doing their best Matt Jones impression.

● Things are going well for the Patriots when Bill Belichick can pay tribute to his father by getting one of his running backs, Kyle Eckel, who played at the school Belichick Sr. coached, into the end zone. And when said school is Navy. And when said running back is white.

Says frustrated Miami fan and SOJP intern Kev: “Next week [against the Dolphins] they’ll bring in a breast cancer survivor and let her plunge in from the one.”

● Before you get too excited for the Pats, bear in mind it’s a long season. Yes, they appear destined for greatness; presently, the offense is absolutely unstoppable. But they’ll need to maintain this pace and win a Super Bowl to be considered one of the five or six best teams of all-time, if not the greatest ever, as Cris Collinsworth (sort of) asserted on Sunday Night Football last week.

● Damn you, Madden curse. Damn you to hell.

Choke on Your Chicken Creole Stat of the Week (courtesy of SI.com’s Peter King):

Chicago’s Devin Hester has nine special-teams returns for touchdowns in 22 career games. The NFL’s all-time leader is Brian Mitchell, with 13 scores in 223 career games.

Kurt’s Krazy Komeback Watch:

Just one week after instituting the KKK Watch, Kurt Warner wrecks his elbow. Sigh.

Retro Unis of the Week:

The New York Jets, wearing old school New York Titans uniforms. Similar to the St. Louis Rams’ current incarnation, these sweaters were actually pretty solid, much better than the barf-on-cloth concept Philly wore earlier this year.

Heartfelt SOJP Apology of the Week:

LaDainian,

You’ve been on our watch list for the “Honorary Jake Plummer Award for Inexplicable Stupidity/Being a Complete Bust or Letdown/General Incompetence” since Week 2. And frankly, well… we’re sorry. We know it wasn’t your fault, that it was that bastard, Norv Turner. So we just want you to know… (pausing, sighing deeply, taking swig from half-empty 26er of Wild Turkey)… we just want you to know we love you and we want you back.

Adrian Peterson means nothing to us, we’re just friends. We never stopped loving you. And if you can find it in your heart to somehow forgive us, well, maybe we can keep on being friends, at least. We can’t ask for anything more than that.

Week 6 Power Rankings:

1. New England Patriots: With 21 touchdown passes and two interceptions, Brady could probably go the rest of the season with 10 picks and no scores and still make the Pro Bowl

2. Indianapolis Colts: Bye week allows banged-up Colts to get healthy, Peyton Manning to film more commercials

3. Dallas Cowboys: Despite losing, nobody else deserves No. 3 right now

4. Pittsburgh Steelers: This week’s bout with desperate Denver should be interesting

5. Green Bay Packers: Barely held on versus Washington, but a win is a win

6. Jacksonville Jaguars: With Maurice Jones-Drew getting hot and the ‘D’ playing well, Jags look like a serious playoff threat

Suicide Watch: Whose fans are grabbing a toaster and hopping into the bathtub?

Miami Dolphins. All week, you prepared yourself for humiliation—Cleo Lemon is playing quarterback, yes, Cleo Lemon, the guy who is not Brady Quinn. Then, when Sunday rolls around, Lemon actually performs well, putting up four total touchdowns and 31 points… yet you still lose, thanks to a 41-point outburst by the Cleveland Browns, pushing your record to 0-6.

Remember when the Dolphins passed on Quinn for Ted Ginn Jr.? And the team tried stupidly defending the pick by noting how many games Devin Hester changed on special teams and Miami was looking for a similar edge? It actually isn’t a bad strategy at all, considering Hester continues tormenting coverage units… if Ted Ginn was anything like Devin Hester, of course (Devin Hester PR average: 19.4 – Ted Ginn PR average: 7.3).

Can you imagine if Miami ended up with the first-overall pick and passed on Louisville quarterback Brian Brohm for an offensive tackle? Hey, somebody has to protect Cleo Lemon’s blindside!

Honorary Jake Plummer Award for Inexplicable Stupidity/Being a Complete Bust or Letdown/General Incompetence Watch:

1. New Orleans Saints – season stats: 1-4

Can they make an improbable playoff run? Considering the franchise’s history, perhaps they’re only capable of winning when it’s considered a miracle.

2. Any team that kicks to Devin Hester – season stats: 23.6 yards per KR, 19.4 yards per PR, three return touchdowns

Can a kick returner win league MVP?

3. Travis Henry, Broncos running back – season stats: 498, one touchdown

Bye week gave him time to get healthy for his upcoming suspension.

4. Bears defense – seasons stats: 2-4 record, 361.3 yards per game, 24.8 points per game

Injuries are taking their toll, but when their pathetic offense puts up 31 points, the Bears must win.

5. Donovan McNabb – season stats: 1221 passing yards, six touchdowns, two interceptions

Individual numbers are respectable, but 2-3 Eagles are averaging just 20 points per game. Take away the 56-point explosion against the Lions and it’s just 11 points per game. And no, Donovan, we’re not saying this because you’re black.

Moving out: LaDainian Tomlinson, Aaron Schobel, Phillip Rivers

Kev’s Picks:

Each Friday, Kev the Intern makes (unintentionally bad) NFL picks. Those picks will be reviewed weekly in The PUP:

Philly (-3) at NYJ: The Intern rightfully admonishes Chad Pennington’s wet noodle arm, and even 130 rushing yards from Thomas Jones can’t save the Jets. Kev wins!

Tennessee (+3) at Tampa: On Friday, Kev said his gut told him “take the underdog!” Like the time he thought “that can’t be an Adam’s apple!” and brought a random home from the bar, his gut was terribly, terribly wrong. Kev loses!

St. Louis (+9.5) at Baltimore: Kev suggested “Brian Billick figuring out offense is like Helen Keller trying to figure her way out of a hedge maze” but didn’t account for Anne Sullivan (i.e. Matt Stover and his five field goals). Kev loses!

New Orleans (+6.5) at Seattle: Using “they’re due” logic, the Intern goes with New Orleans and picks correctly. Kev, also, was due. Kev wins!

New England (-5) at Dallas: Completely contradicting himself, the Intern says “New England will win, but Dallas will keep it close at home. The Pats pull away at the end, win and cover.” We suppose that still counts. Kev wins!

Season record: 3-2

Predictions for Week 6:

● Vinny Testaverde misses a week of practice with osteoporosis

● Miami, who always plays New England tough, suffers a 35-21 loss at the hands of the Patriots. The Dolphins celebrate their “shocking upset.” Somewhere, Don Shula cries.

● The New York Post reports Eric Mangini had been carrying Chad Pennington’s lovechild. When Mangini miscarries, he finally inserts Kellen Clemens into the starting lineup.

The PUP: Week 5

The PUP (Probably Unfit for Print) list is our weekly NFL report.

Summarizing Week 5 in 50 Words or Less:

Indy proved it can score as long as Peyton is in the lineup. Green Bay proved it can’t win when it turns the ball over; Dallas proved it can. The Dolphins/Texans game proved Trent Green and Travis Johnson have roughly the same number of brain cells, but for different reasons.

Musings and Observations:

● Thanks to his upcoming suspension stemming from a positive drug test, the list of people who have been fucked by Travis Henry is now up to: the Bills, the Broncos, countless fantasy teams, his (at least) nine alimony-starved children and every other woman in Buffalo.

● While we’re on the subject, the Broncos are done; they can’t stop the run, their starting running back is a pothead, and their quarterback is playing like the guy who gave him that $12 haircut.

● What was with the Monday Night crew and Trent Edwards? Between Ron Jaworski and Tony Kornheiser giving him reach-arounds on national television, did anybody else notice the rookie quarterback led the Bills to a whopping three points? Buffalo scored on two interceptions and a kick return.

● The Monday Night guys also rambled on about Tony Romo’s “10 Commandments,” given to him by former coach Bill Parcells. You think “Thou shalt wipe that stupid fucking grin off your face and make a Goddamn play when you throw four first-half picks” is one of them?

● Terrell Owens is an asshole. Just a reminder.

● Chad Pennington sucks. Why is he still playing? He can’t challenge defenses downfield. The quarterback threw three interceptions against the Giants and led the offense to just one touchdown. Remember, it’s not like Thomas Jones suddenly became a bad running back; teams refuse to honour the pass. Moreover, if New York falls behind, it’s incapable of catching up because of Chad’s wet noodle. Kellen Clemens should have been starting for the Jets since the Baltimore game.

● Remember when Eric Mangini and Sean Payton were the toast of the NFL? They’re like the best man who organizes a sweet bachelor party filled with strippers and booze, but follows it up by losing the ring and ralphing on the bride during the ceremony

● David Garrard hasn’t thrown an interception since last December.

● Until this week, we thought Norv Turner was actually a scarecrow.

● If Jake Delhomme didn’t suck so much to begin with, we’d be worried about David Carr taking over at quarterback for the Panthers.

● If Trent Green didn’t suck so much to begin with, we’d be worried about Cleo Lemon taking over at quarterback for the Dolphins.

● If Damon Huard didn’t suck so much to begin with, we’d be worried about Brodie Croyle taking over at quarterback for the Chiefs.

● Apparently, Sunday’s Packer game was attended by Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel, Faith Hill, Taylor Hicks and Ashton Kutcher. What? How is that even possible? It’s Green Bay. It doesn’t matter if the Pack is undefeated or playing at hallowed Lambeau Field. That’s like the Queen going for dinner at Arby’s.

Choke on Your Cheesecake Stat of the Week:

Larry Johnson carried the ball nine times for 12 yards.

Kurt’s Krazy Komeback Watch:

Warner’s numbers weren’t spectacular (190 yards, one passing touchdown, one rushing touchdown, one pick), but he led Cardinals to a 34-31 win over his former team, the Rams. More importantly, Matt Leinart broke his collarbone and will miss extended action, meaning Warner has a chance to start for the 3-2 Cardinals. And by the way, the Ravens won on Sunday, also improving to 3-2. Does anyone else smell a Steve McNair-Kurt Warner Super Bowl rematch?

KKK Watch: stock rising

Week 4 Power Rankings:

1. New England Patriots: O-line dominating, Brady has been sacked just three times, Sammy Morris has two straight 100-yard rushing games

2. Indianapolis Colts: Even Cedric Benson could run for 100 in this offense

3. Dallas Cowboys: Best part of Monday night win was Jerry Jones chomping on cigar, wildly firing pistols into the air

4. Pittsburgh Steelers: Like SB XL, Super Bowl rematch sucked

5. Green Bay Packers: Second-half play calling more conservative than Ned Flanders

6. Tennessee Titans: Vince Young inexplicably defying the Madden curse

Suicide Watch: whose fans are slowly killing themselves inside by watching video of their wife getting double teamed by their best friend and worst enemy. No, worst enemy and brother. No, worst enemy and dad

Buffalo Bills. We can’t even imagine what the city looked like yesterday morning, though we’d wager it was eerily similar to Britain in Children of Men. How depressing was Monday’s loss? What is there to even look forward to in Buffalo besides sports? Shovel snow so you can get your ’88 Caprice out of the driveway? Heading to the plant and opening up your lunch pail to find out the wife went with roast beef instead of salami today?

If you missed it, this clip from Monday’s game pretty much sums things up.

Honorary Jake Plummer Award for Inexplicable Stupidity/Being a Complete Bust or Letdown/General Incompetence Watch:

1. New Orleans Saints, “football team” – season stats: 0-4, crushing the dreams of a city trying to rebuild itself in the wake of tragedy

Right now, Drew Brees would have a better chance playing with Notre Dame’s roster

2. Travis Henry, Broncos running back – season stats: 498 yards, one touchdown

Signed huge contract with team perfectly suited for his skills and likely to spring him to NFL rushing title; celebrated by getting high as shit

3. Phillip Rivers, Chargers quarterback – season stats: 1156 yards, seven touchdowns, six interceptions

Played well against Denver, but must keep it going

4. LaDainian Tomlinson, Chargers running back – season stats: 329 yards, 3.4 avg., 2 TDs

Posted Reggie Bush-like 67 yards on 21 carries, though total yardage wasn’t bad (140). Still on pace for just 1052 yards and 10 total touchdowns

5. Aaron Schobel, Bills defensive end – season stats: 10 tackles, 1.5 sacks

Had 26 sacks over past two seasons; SOJP unfairly blaming him for Bills’ woes/Kevin Everett

Moving out: Steven Jackson, Julius Peppers

Predictions for Week 6:

● Unconcerned with Chad Pennington’s “passing ability,” the Eagles eschew fielding a secondary, instead starting six defensive linemen and five linebackers. Philly wins in a walk

● Peyton Manning will throw as many touchdowns as Cleo Lemon. Peyton Manning is on a bye week.

● During a 24-17 loss to Oakland, Marty Schottenheimer, in attendance at Qualcomm Stadium, is shown on the jumbotron. Schottenheimer laughs maniacally and flips fans the finger

● Buffalonians shuffle through the streets like zombies as work productivity drops over 200 per cent. As a result, America suffers a shortage of chicken wings. Romeo Crennel refuses to coach another game until normalcy is restored; fans point out he really wasn’t coaching in the first place

The PUP: Week 4

The PUP (Probably Unfit for Print) list is our weekly NFL report.

Summarizing Week 4 in 50 Words or Less:

Green Bay, Detroit and Tampa Bay are a combined 10-2. New Orleans, Chicago, Philadelphia and San Diego are 3-12. Our heads hurt.

Musings and observations:

● Before we break out the Lubriderm and congratulate Daunte Culpepper on his return to competent quarterbacking, let’s remember he was only 5/12 for 75 yards against Miami Sunday. Now, two of those completions were touchdowns, he ran for three more scores, and his pointing to his knee/making an “OK” sign/reminding Dolphins fans their quarterback is Trent Green routine was pretty sweet. But let’s hold off another week or two before we celebrate, yes?

● Weirdest call of the week: CBS colorman Randy Cross remarking that Antonio Gates has “wonderful, supple, soft hands.” Ew.

● Charger fans chanted for Marty Schottenheimer after San Diego’s loss to the Chiefs on Sunday. Let that sink in for a moment. Marty Schottenheimer. If Bears fans start chanting for Rex Grossman, we can officially declare this the most facked up NFL season ever.

● Dwayne Bowe is awesome.

● LaDainian Tomlinson, however, is not. Something just isn’t right. Many people noticed LT was caught from behind on Sunday by Bernard Pollard (only 86 speed on Madden!), and he was limping toward the end of the contest. Tomlinson also made an uncharacteristic mistake, literally ducking underneath a Phillip Rivers pass that was intercepted (Tony Gonzalez scored for K.C. on the ensuing drive). We’re almost completely convinced LT is actually carrying the Madden curse this season – he should have been on the cover instead of Vince Young – and we can only hope his inevitable season-ending injury isn’t serious enough to affect him long-term.

● When he’s got the ball in his hands, no player looks more terrifying than Adrian Peterson right now. Every time he touches the pigskin, you slide to the edge of your seat and wonder if he’s going to house it. The guy is strong, fast and agile. He runs like a deer. A super-strong robot deer. On steroids.

● Please watch Dante Hall absolutely embarrass Cowboys punter Mat McBriar near the end of this return. Yes, Hall is one of the best returners in NFL history. Yes, McBriar is a lowly punter. Yes, McBriar is a douche who spells his first name with only one “T”. But this is pathetic. Hasn’t he played football on some level before now? He looked like he was falling out of a wheelchair.

* personal, very loosely related note from Larkin: “In my first year of university, I became close with a lunch lady in my dorm. Her name was Marie. On my birthday, she brought me a chocolate cake encased in a cardboard box. Took it on the bus with her. Cool: yes. Touching: yes. But when she handed me a gift bag containing dress socks and candy canes, things got weird. Especially when she spelled my name “Mat” on the card. True story.

● How is it even possible people are still fucking kicking to Devin Hester? By the way, Hester has more touchdowns this season than Stephen Jackson, Rudi Johnson, Marvin Harrison, Cedric Benson and Willis McGahee.

● Would it kill the Vikings to stick to the sweet throwback jerseys they wore on Sunday instead of their AFL-ish, “Minnesota Xtreme” shirts?

● Any football fan who doesn’t like Wes Welker is an asshole. Two Welker-type plays we noticed on Monday: (a) After a Tom Brady interception, Welker, sliding to the turf, made a tough, diving tackle on the play. How many receivers would have been too busy looking for a call or waving their hands at the quarterback? (b) Taking a reverse, sprinting down the sideline and, all 180-lbs of him cutting back into the defender and trying to run over him. He reminds us a lot of Hines Ward, playing tough, unselfish football and doing the little things right.

● Kurt Warner’s Super Bowl Fun Time MVP Explosion a couple years back was one of the most improbable out-of-nowhere runs in sports history. Well, how improbable would it be if Warner completely came out of nowhere twice in the same career? Presumed dead long ago, Warner almost dug the Cards out of a huge deficit against Baltimore two weeks ago and injected life into the offense this week, helping Arizona knock off Pittsburgh. To date, he’s completed 70 per cent of his passes for 390 yards, three touchdowns, no interceptions and a 125.0 passer rating.

What are the odds of Warner pulling off another out-of-nowhere explosion? Is there an equivalent for that? The Baha Men producing another No. 1 single? Kevin Federline marrying Beyonce, getting divorced, and winning the kids and half the money? It confounds the mind.

● Thomas Jones is probably giggling with glee watching Cedric Benson get stuffed like a piñata every time he gets the ball.

● The Cowboys visit the Bills on Monday night this week, the first MNF broadcast in Buffalo since 1994. How are things expected to go? We give you this quote from Pro Football Weekly:

“The Bills are more of a regional organization than most other NFL clubs, and they don't want to be held responsible for fans showing up late to work on Tuesday. We hear the team additionally fears a drunken mess with people coming to the stadium immediately after work on Monday to start tailgating.”

Wow.

Self-serving Bill Simmonsesque Favourite Team Rant of the Week:

As a lifelong Packer fan, Hurk has spent the better half of a decade lamenting Mike Holmgren’s departure, which he thinks directly led to the slow, painful decline of Brett Favre’s career (from 1994-1997 Favre averaged 36 touchdown passes to just 14 interceptions a season. Since then, well, we don’t really want to talk about it). Holmgren earned Favre’s trust and turned him into a star; he had no qualms blasting the quarterback for a boneheaded throw, which kept the oft-gambling quarterback (relatively) in check. Once Holmgren left for Seattle, new coaches came and went; each seemed unwilling to challenge Favre, who at this point had already achieved legendary status. Favre was now free to do as he pleased, gunning the ball all over the field without being disciplined.

Enter 2007. Favre’s competition percentage is better than his career high. He is second in the NFL in passing yards. His touchdown-to-interception ratio is as good as it’s ever been and his passer rating is its highest since 1995, the year he won his first of three MVP awards. We don’t know how Mike McCarthy earned Favre’s trust, but it’s obvious he has it. Maybe he’s got pictures of Brett banging a Packers intern. Maybe he’s got Brett so doped up on Vicodin, the quarterback thinks he’s actually talking to Holmgren and spends most of practice chirping him up for shaving his moustache. We don’t know. Either way, let it be known – presently, Brett Favre is a legitimate candidate for his fourth MVP. And, while we’re on the subject, Mike McCarthy is the leader for Coach of the Year honours (Mike… McCarthy… just breathe deeply for a second there, everyone. Try to find something stable to hold onto until you compose yourself).

Choke on Your Cheerios Stat of the Week:

In the past two weeks, Joey Harrington has completed 54 of 73 passes (73 per cent) for 584 yards, four touchdowns and no interceptions.

Week 4 Power Rankings:

1. New England Patriots: Running out of superlatives for New England’s offense

2. Indianapolis Colts: Could an undefeated team sneak up on people?

3. Dallas Cowboys: Over/under on Romo’s new contract: $30-million

4. Green Bay Packers: Eventually will have to run the ball. We think

5. Pittsburgh Steelers: Buccaneers nipping at their heels in Power Rankings, making SOJP staff question its sanity

Suicide Watch: whose fans are sitting in a garage, drifting into a sleepy abyss as carbon monoxide poisons their brains?

St. Louis Rams. The offense is pathetic. The defense is atrocious. But Dante Hall scored on a punt return! At least the 2007 St. Louis Rams team video will have one highlight.

Honourary Jake Plummer Award for Inexplicable Stupidity/Being a Complete Bust or Letdown/General Incompetence Watch:

1. Phillip Rivers, Chargers quarterback – season stats: 886 yards, five touchdowns, six interceptions

Turnovers, accuracy problems becoming a concern for sinking Chargers

2. LaDainian Tomlinson, Chargers running back – season stats: 262 yards, 3.4 avg., 2 TDs

Finally showed signs of life with 132 yards and a touchdown; still wasn’t enough to beat KC

3. Sean Payton, Saints head coach – New Orleans sits at 0-3

Bye week gave Saints fans plenty of time to mentally prepare for Reggie Bush’s 18 carry, 42-yard performance vs. Carolina this week

4. Julius Peppers, Panthers defensive end – season stats: nine tackles, zero sacks, interceptions or forced fumbles

Mustered just two tackles against Tampa Bay’s anemic offense

5. Steven Jackson, Rams running back – season stats: 233 yards, 3.4 avg., no TDs

Injuries could push him off this list

Moving out: Shawne Merriman

Predictions for Week 5:

● New York fans set unofficial record as entire stadium boos during all 60 minutes of Jets/Giants contest

● Hurk’s engorged penis explodes after Favre leads Packers to win over Chicago, 5-0 start

● After three drops against St. Louis and not wanting to be outdone by Randy Moss’s Monday Night performance, Terrell Owens explodes on the field and from his ass; drops pants and literally shits on prone Bills cornerback Jabari Greer’s back after third TD catch of the evening

● Kurt Warner plays again; Matt Leinart sobs uncontrollably until Ken Whisenhunt assures him everything will be okay

● Vince Young scrambles around, makes big plays, doesn’t kill any dogs in win over Atlanta; Falcons fans cringe, reminisce about the good old days when accuracy was Mike Vick’s biggest problem

The PUP: Week 3

The PUP (Probably Unfit for Print) list is our weekly NFL report.

Summarizing Week 3 in 50 Words or Less:

Of the remaining undefeated teams, three look legitimately better than the rest of the league (New England, Indianapolis and Dallas). Among the winless squads, panic mode has set in for the Saints and Rams, while 0-3 Buffalo and Miami should have expected to be shitty.

Musings and observations:

• The Saints are officially a Category 5 disaster.

• Calvin Johnson’s freaky size and speed (6’5”, 236-lbs, 4.3 forty-yard dash) makes you wonder if he was exposed to the ooze that transformed the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Justifiably so, many people were pretty hot and wet for the Lions receiver heading into this season. But what about Denver’s Brandon Marshall? The second-year beast had seven catches for 133 yards on Sunday and has a similar skill set to Johnson (6’4”, 230-lbs, very athletic). He may not be in Johnson’s Ninja Turtle class, but he’s at least Bebop and Rocksteady.

• What’s uglier? Kurt Warner’s short sleeve/gloves/puffy wrist bands combo or Brenda Warner?

• We know it was supposed to be a nice, cute throwback gimmick, but no one can deny how vomit-inducingly bad the Eagles' unis were on Sunday. We're talking Nashville Predators' third jersey territory. They look like they were borrowed from a crappy no-name West Coast college with a 5'8'' running back who dominates, gets taken late in the NFL draft and is CFL-bound within a year.

• Hey, Miami Dolphins? We don’t want to imply you’re pathetic or anything, but putting a 32-year-old defensive end at wide receiver/tight end like you did with Jason Taylor Sunday? Pathetic.

• Please don't be surprised that Larry Johnson has been Battlefield Earth-bad so far. There's no help around him, his line's craptastic and he reported to the team late. How bad are things? The Chiefs have scored 26 points in three games. On Sunday, the Eagles had 28 points three minutes into the second quarter.

• Once Brett Favre breaks Dan Marino’s touchdown record, what’s left in Marino’s Super Bowl-less life? His role in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective? His in-your-face tan? His terrifying spurts of rage?

• We’re officially considering changing our name to Spirit of Rex Grossman.

• Is this the year of the receiver or what? Check out these staggering numbers:

- players with 100 receiving yards or more in Week Three: 13
- players with 11 or more receptions in Week Three: 4
- receiving games of 140 yards or more this season: 14
- receivers games of 180 or more yards in Week Three: 3
- receiving games of 200 yards or more this season: 3
- Touchdowns scored by Joe Jurevicius: 2
- Touchdowns scored by Larry Johnson and Steven Jackson combined: 0

... Jesus.

• There's something eerily familiar happening in Green Bay. In recent years, when the Pack trailed late, we knew it was time for Favre to gun a ball into triple coverage for a game-ending pick. One of the best comeback quarterbacks in NFL history just didn’t have the discipline to do it anymore. This week, it felt different. For whatever reason, we suddenly had confidence in Favre. We almost knew he was going bring the Green Bay back; we could feel it. Whether or not they're a real 3-0, the Packers are at least giving us some nostalgic magic. Sweet.

• Is Scott Linehan a fraud? Wasn't he supposed to be an offensive genius? Yet when he calls plays, the Rams offence sputters. Maybe the offensive co-ordinator-to-head-coach conversion is a curse. Just ask Norv Turner and Mike Martz.

• How sore is Derek Anderson after crashing back to Earth? Did he lose consciousness on the descent? Is he bleeding internally?

• Just kidding, we know Brenda Warner is uglier.

Week 3 Power Rankings:

1. New England Patriots: Randy Moss metaphorically thrusting crotch at every sportswriter in America; defense ain’t bad either
2. Indianapolis Colts: Colts start NFL season 3-0, sun comes up
3. Dallas Cowboys: Tony Homo jokes losing effectiveness as QB’s play improves
4. Pittsburgh Steelers: Like the Grade 4 bully who was held back twice and makes name for himself beating up weaker competition (Browns, Bills, Niners), Pitt still deserves respect
5. Green Bay Packers: Favre playing like it’s 1997; trainers must check cabinets and ensure pain killers haven’t gone missing

Suicide Watch: whose fans are having an extra brat tonight hoping their inevitable heart attack comes early?

Buffalo Bills. Stud rookie linebacker Paul Posluszny was shut down for the season after breaking his arm. The 0-3 Bills have also lost starters Jason Webster (broken forearm), Ko Simpson (broken ankle), Keith Ellison (ankle sprain), Terrence McGee (bruised ribs) and J.P. Losman (incompetence sprained knee). At least you have all those AFC Championships! Woo! We’re no. 2! We’re no. 2!

Honourary Jake Plummer Award for Inexplicable Stupidity/Being a Complete Bust or Letdown/General Incompetence Watch:

1. LaDainian Tomlinson, Chargers running back – season stats: 57 carries, 130 yards, 2.3 avg.
We hate putting LT on this list but we can’t stop worrying the Madden curse is really his this year.

2. Sean Payton, Saints head coach – season stats: his supposed Super Bowl contender is 0-3
What the fuck, man?

3. Steven Jackson, Rams running back – season stats: 69 carries, 233 yards, 3.4 avg., no TDs
He teased us with a 100-yard effort before tearing his groin on Sunday.

4. Julius Peppers, Panthers defensive end – season stats: six tackles; zero sacks, interceptions or forced fumbles
Carolina is 2-1, no thanks to Peppers. He’s streakier than your windshield after one of those homeless guys squeegees it even though you waved him away from your car.

5. Shawne Merriman, Chargers linebacker – season stats: seven tackles, two sacks
Even his so-so numbers are deceiving. San Diego’s premier pass rusher did absolutely nothing against Green Bay (no tackles or sacks) as Brett Favre picked apart the secondary. Though Merriman did do some pretty fancy sack celebrating two weeks ago when New England was filling San Diego’s anus like a tank of gas. Show some class, would ya?

Moving out: Jason David, Bengals defense, O.J. Simpson

Predictions for Week 4:

• Larry Johnson finally explodes – off the field. After the Chargers hold him to 63 yards on 28 carries, LJ releases a rap song denouncing his offensive line and smashes Damon Huard in the eye with a ball-peen hammer.

• After Favre breaks Dan Marino’s all-time touchdown record with a 77-yard pass to Donald Driver and rushes to the endzone to celebrate, Ragnar the Viking will club the quarterback over the head with a large drumstick. The ensuing concussion puts Favre’s record consecutive-games streak in jeopardy, though he heroically returns for Week 5.

• Quarterback Matt Schaub will torch his former team when Houston visits Atlanta. Mike Vick will spin in his grave.

The PUP: Week 2

The PUP (Probably Unfit for Print) list is our weekly NFL report.


Summarizing Week 2 in 50 Words or Less:

Everyone was aghast about CameraGate. In between, some football games happened. The best game on paper, New England-San Diego, was a bust. Cleveland-Cincinnati turned out to be the best, though nobody noticed till midway through the third quarter. The Pats are being fitted for their Super Bowl rings on Wednesday.

Musings/observations/things we thought when we were drunk:

● Derek Anderson threw six touchdown passes. On purpose. Six. Derek Anderson. Touchdowns. For the Browns.

Is he poising himself for a Disney-inspired, Kurt Warner-esque storybook journey? Sure, why not? Except, instead of his tale ending with him scoring the game-winning touchdown in the Super Bowl and winning the girl of his dreams back from the slimy rival quarterback, it’ll probably end with four interceptions against the Raiders this weekend, a disenchanted Dawg Pound member stabbing Anderson in the kidney with a broken pool cue, and the closest he’ll come to marrying the girl of his dreams will be the time he made out with that chick with the wooden leg in the bathroom at Long John Silver’s. Funny. That’s pretty much how the Kurt Warner tale ended.

● We’re not sure what they did to deserve it, but Atlanta has been screwed this year like Lindsay Lohan on ecstasy. The Braves aren’t making the playoffs, Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron’s home run record, and every Joey Harrington interception (and Matt Schaub touchdown pass) is a bitter reminder of Michael Vick. Go Thrashers?

● Quiz: who turtles more? Rams receivers or Colts receivers? We even saw Dallas Clark pulling a Franklin against Tennessee.

● Morten Anderson is back. Some dads buy sports cars during their mid-life crisis. Morten Anderson plays professional football (if you can call it that in Atlanta).

● We planned to put the Cleveland Browns on the Douchemeter this week for trading Charlie Frye immediately after getting slaughtered by Pittsburgh, like he was the reason the Browns have sucked all these years. Little did we know, Charlie Frye appears to be the greatest team cancer in the history of sports. Allow our equation to explain:

Cleveland Browns – Charlie Frye = the greatest offensive output in Browns history

And did anyone notice the Cards upset Frye’s new team, the Seahawks, on Sunday? Seattle needs to trade Charlie Frye. Now. Run!

● While we’re on the subject, the real story out of Sunday’s 51-45 Browns-Bengals game isn’t Cleveland’s offence – Jamal Lewis will be lucky if he breaks another six-yard run this year, let alone a 66-yarder. The story is Cincy’s milquetoast defence (yeah, we said milquetoast. Look it up, dingus). It reminded us of a kid in the last game of his Madden season, trying to puff up his guys’ stats, so he keeps purposely allowing TDs so he can get the ball back. When the ball’s in the air to the “lightning-fast” Joe Jurevicius, the kid takes control of the defender and moves him out of the way so Jurevicius waltzes in for his second score of the day. Gross.

● Lions quarterback Jon Kitna says he felt the “hand of God,” enable him to return from a concussion and rally the Lions to an overtime victory over Minnesota. A few things for Jon Kitna:

A) Minnesota ain’t exactly the Ritz, but what makes you think God wants to see Detroit, of all places, knock Minny down a peg? That’s like wanting to see the pimply guy in I.T. beat out the squirrelly fucker in the mailroom for a promotion to administration services assistant. Does it really matter?

B) Is that the same hand of God that made you an extremely mediocre quarterback who’s only thrown more touchdowns than picks in a season three times in 10 years? Or is it the same hand of God that’s guided you to a Rob Johnson-esque career 76.4 passer rating (oh, wait, Rob Johnson’s career rating is higher at 83.6)? Oh, maybe it was the zero career playoff wins?

C) You are not special. God has bigger problems to worry about than Jon Kitna’s concussion situation (haven’t you heard about CameraGate, dickwad? His hands are full).

● Did Jason Elam kill Gus Johnson? Allow us to explain:

We didn’t catch much of the Texans-Panthers game because A) We’re already a little sick of the sleeper-hype the Texans are getting and B) if the hype turns out to be reality, we’re not ready to live in a world where Houston is a decent football team.

Anyway, we tuned in moments after Steve Smith’s ridiculous 74-yard touchdown; Gus Johnson was calling the game and we cursed ourselves for not catching his TD call live. His explanation during the replay was surprisingly subdued, so we figured either his larynx exploded or he was on the sidelines hooked up to an oxygen tank. Problem is, when we saw the touchdown on the highlight package later that night, his real-time call had less fervour than Pat Summerall after three bong hits (for Gus, anyway). Did Gus have a stroke when he called the crazy ending to last week’s Bills-Broncos tilt? What’s up?

● Denver’s defence is potentially terrifying. In the first quarter against Oakland, the Raiders faced a third down on their own one. The Broncos said “Fuck you,” loaded up the line of scrimmage, left Champ Bailey and Dre Bly one-on-one outside, and forced a hurried throw by Josh McCown that was picked off by Bailey. Yeah, we know, it’s Josh McCown. But watch out.

● It’s going to be a long season for the Dolphins. How long? Miami fan Kev the Intern eschewed words to describe his feelings, instead sending us a video of a stickman dousing himself in gasoline and setting himself on fire. At least Trent Green and Ted Ginn Jr. are working out. Right? Oh, yeah… right.

● What if LaDainian Tomlinson is suffering from the Madden curse? Think about it: there’s no way anyone but Tomlinson should have been on the cover this year. LT is arguably the most visible non-quarterback in the NFL. He set the single-season record for touchdowns, ate the league’s soul like a starving fat kid on a plate of chilli cheese fries, and threw for a couple of scores for good measure. When he’s only rushed for 434 yards by Week 8, then shatters his fibula, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

● Or, maybe LT’s poopy start has something to do with this:

Norv Turner’s career stats

-one playoff appearance in nine full seasons

-59-83-1 career record

-10 or more wins in a season once

-10 or more losses in a season five times

What did Turner do to get the job? The sucking dick cliché is too easy. Let’s go with… put general manager A.J. Smith’s kids through college, bought them all Power Wheels and a lifetime supply of hot dogs and agreed to crawl on the ground and bark like a dog whenever Smith wants him to. And sucked his dick.

● Is it just us or are the new Chargers unis frighteningly similar to the Sabres’ Buffaslug getups?

● Joey Galloway is badass, cagey vet. Pretty sweet to see him torch guys 10 years his junior with his still-blazing speed and do his trademark bicep flex every time. It’s not even funny how much cooler he is than awkward white guys like us.

● John Madden somehow gave us some good insight during the Sunday nighter, breaking down New England’s cheating process. Well, even Alzheimer's patients remember stuff once in a while. And a “special kid” could beat you at Connect Four if you were watching Robocop 2 at the same time and got distracted. It happens. Now let’s move on.

● Tony Romo looks very legit through two weeks, but we can’t take him seriously. The guy never, ever stops smiling. Not even when a cockroach crawled all over him on national television. He’s like the Mad magazine guy. Could you ever believe the Mad magazine guy was a serious competitor, no matter how dominant he was?

Week 2 Power Rankings:

1. New England Patriots: With another win, mainstream media will demand season be ceased and Pats immediately crowned 2007 champions

2. Indianapolis Colts: Commercial whoring not hindering Peyton’s play

3. Cleveland Browns: When not fixing Jon Kitna’s concussion, hand of God is guiding Derek Anderson touchdown passes to open Browns receivers

4-32: Meh.

Suicide Watch: Whose fans are ready to break down the levies like it’s the Berlin Wall?

The Saints. We knew the defense was bad, but what happened to the offence? One cannot help but draw comparisons to Britney Spears’ disastrous VMA performance. Can New Orleans regain its sexy teenager form, a tight little package that gyrates and eye-fucks you, provoking fans young and old to furiously masturbate? Or is it destined to become fat and sluggish, stumbling from one team to the next, barely conscious and settling for field goals/Kevin Federline?

Honourary Jake Plummer Award for Inexplicable Stupidity/Being a Complete Bust or Letdown/General Incompetence watch:

Each week, we’ll update our rankings of who’s in line to win this coveted annual award:

1. LaDainian Tomlinson – 35 carries, 68 yards, 1.9 avg.

Some players who have out-rushed Tomlinson thus far: Ron Dayne, Najeh Davenport, Sammy Morris, Ladell Betts and Tatum Bell.

2. Jason David, Saints cornerback – led secondary that was scorched by Jeff Garica (yeah, Jeff Garcia)

Garcia led the Bucs to a win thanks to three completions of at least 41 yards. He also completed 24 and 33-yard passes. Are we too lazy to carry out research and see if any of that was David’s fault? No. Are we still willing to make David the scapegoat? Absolutely.

3. Steven Jackson, Rams running back – 39 carries, 118 yards, 3.0 avg., two lost fumbles

How many kids does Steven Jackson have? None.* How many kids does Travis Henry have (that we know of)? Nine. Travis Henry is leading the NFL in rushing. Spread your seed, Steven. Spread your seed.

* We have no idea how many children Steven Jackson has.

4. O.J. Simpson – allegedly the ring-leader of a “commando-style” armed robbery

Use your fucking head, Juice.

5. Bengals defence – yielded 51 points to Browns in loss

So is Matt Hasselbeck going to throw 11 touchdowns this week, or what?

Moving out: Rory Seagrest, Ellis Hobbs, Charlie Frye

On the bubble: Alex Smith, the Jaguars running game, the Bills offence, Donovan McNabb, Sean Payton, Giants secondary

Predictions for Week 3:

● Joey Harrington will cry

● New England will beat the Bills 38-14

● Now that Derek Anderson is a star, the Dolphins will try to trade for Brady Quinn. Cleveland will laugh. Kev the Intern will shove a syringe full of windshield fluid into his jugular. Spirit of Jake Plummer staff will laugh

The PUP: Week 1

Summarizing Week 1 in 50 Words or Less:
Who wasn’t pining for the NFL after a brutal summer for sports? But would the league lay a stink bomb right off the bat? Despite a disappointing Colts-Saints blowout, normalcy was restored on the weekend: lots of tight games, the hitting seemed particularly lively, and Joey Harrington still sucks.

Musings/observations/things we thought of when we were drunk:
● Seven more touchdown tosses and LaDainian Tomlinson passes Ryan Leaf on the Chargers’ all-time list.

● Why can’t the NFL make everyone dress like this? Niners coach Mike Nolan looked quite dapper in a suit, while his Monday night counterpart Ken Whisenhunt’s zipped-up windbreaker and Cardinals ball cap made him look like a rep minor league hockey coach who constantly screams at the kids and drinks between periods to bury the painful realization that, yes, his life was all downhill from high school.

● Early Sunday afternoon, we received this text message from the Intern: “Dude... Gus Johnson is doing the Bills-Broncos game… Screaming his head off.”

And you know what? Kev was more right than the time he said he could last six months without trimming his pubes. Gus kicks ass. Bill Simmons has covered this before (sorry, too lazy to find the link), but Gus gets totally wound up without sounding fake or forced. Also, you have to love when he calls a ridiculous play, sort of settles down for a second as his brain tries to catch up, and let’s a “Hah Haah!” go. Jim Nantz’s call of Ellis Hobbs’ record 108-yard kickoff return sounded like Laurence Maroney took a second-quarter pitch and made a nice cut for 11 yards and the first down.

● Speaking of commentators, do these guys ever “reinvent” themselves? If a popular band lasts 20 years or so, usually it mixes its sound up here and there. Why don’t play-by-play men have to do the same thing? Al Michaels is older than Greg Oden and as far as we know, he’s always used the same style. At some point, shouldn’t he have had to switch things up? Maybe become a shouter like Gus Johnson or a blind guy like Bob Cole?

● Nice to see Randy Moss is trying again. What a cock.

● If Monday’s Cards-Niners tilt was a peek at the league’s future at quarterback (Matt Leinart and Alex Smith’s combined line: 48 per cent completions, 228 yards, one TD, two picks), pray Michael Biehn is coming back in time to protect Carson Palmer and Phillip Rivers and prevent the apocalyptic meltdown of the NFL. “Come with me if you want to live.”

● Is it just us, or is Steve Smith vastly underrated as a touchdown celebrator? Chad Johnson gets all the love – Riverdance and the pylon putt were cool – but what about Smith? The canoe paddle, the baby wipe, the fake ball throw at the Redskins fans, the turn-on-the-TV-and-call-a-friend-while-using-the-ball-as-a-phone…where’s the love?

● Rookie San Fran middle linebacker Patrick Willis is an amazing, terrifying man. Watch him.

● Does Rex Grossman walk around his house just dropping shit? Footballs just fall out of his hands these days, why should it be any different at home? Does he break the TV remote every other week? Is he allowed to handle fine china? Can you imagine Thanksgiving dinner at the Grossman household? Grossman tries to pass the gravy to Dad and fumbles it into his lap, scalding Pops and ruining the new table linens. Dad starts shouting that Rex should have stuck with Travel and Tourism at Florida, and Mom starts yelling at Dad because he’ll “hurt Rexy’s confidence!” Like every Thanksgiving, the evening ends with Grossman screaming “I hate you, I never want to see you again!” and running upstairs to his bedroom and burying his sobbing face into a pillow.

● Remember when Romeo Crennel was a good coach? We don’t.

● A John Madden reality feature in which you’d watch him do regular things in his everyday life that aired during halftime Sunday nights – c’mon, you’d watch it, wouldn’t you? Think about how distracted he gets, how confused he is, how confusing he can be, how he can dissect the most complicated play or notice the slightest nuances of the game, yet also drone on about the most obvious nothingness imaginable?

Picture Madden going to the bank to pay his cable bill:

“I came here, today, to pay my cable bill. I have cable TV at home, but when you watch cable TV, you have to pay for it. But you can’t just… [kind of chuckling and grinning to himself now; bank teller is forcing a smile and wondering how Madden dresses himself in the morning, ala Al Michaels]… you can’t just snap your fingers or put the money on your TV. You’ve got to take it to the bank. Banks are where we keep money. [A pigeon flies into the bank]. “Look at that guy. He just wanted to come to the bank, he just wanted to watch some good banking. This is a great place to do it. He’s got the best seat in the house. There’s some great banking going on in here today.”

Of course, he’d follow that up with something clever and interesting, like suggesting some potted plants to make the building more welcoming and pointing out a bank robber. That’s what Madden does.

Other possible scenarios include: ordering food at restaurants, getting fitted for a suit, handing out Halloween candy, working out at the gym, housebreaking his dog, taking his grandchildren to the circus, and so forth.

● Words can’t describe what the angry Bears will do to the Chiefs in their home opener. Thankfully, John Rambo can. Keep watching past the slowish first minute and you’ll quickly see that Rambo is the Bears defence and everyone else is the Chiefs offence.

Week 1 Power Rankings:
1. New England Patriots
2. Indianapolis Colts
3. San Diego Chargers
4-32. Right now, it doesn’t look like it matters

Suicide Watch: Whose fans are jumping in front of a subway car this week?
Da Bears. You hold LaDainian Tomlinson to 25 yards and lose. Let’s not count out Grossman having to finish up that Travel and Tourism degree just yet.

Offside joke of the week:
A friend of the website bitterly explaining to us that Kevin Everett’s spinal injury disrupted Denver’s offensive rhythm and “crippled his chances” on his Pro Line ticket.

Honourary Jake Plummer Award for Inexplicable Stupidity/Being a Complete Bust or Letdown/General Incompetence watch:

Each week, we’ll update our rankings of who’s in line to win this coveted annual award.

1. Charlie Frye, former Browns quarterback – 4/10, 34 yards, 1 INT
When you play so poorly your team immediately trades you away despite it only being Week 1, perhaps it’s time for a career change.

2. Jason David, Saints cornerback – burned for three passing touchdowns
David did score a touchdown, so, in terms of scoring, technically he was only minus-12 on the day. That Herculean effort keeps him from being No. 1 on the list – this week.

3. Rory Segrest, Eagles special teams co-ordinator – his unit had two costly turnovers
Sure, we could blame Greg Lewis and J.R. Reed for those two muffed punts that cost Philly the game against Green Bay. But we knew they sucked.

4. Steven Jackson, Rams running back – 58 rush yards, two lost fumbles
After turning it over just twice in ’06, Jackson protected the ball about as well as Travis Henry protects his sperm, turning it over twice in a loss to the Panthers.

5. Ellis Hobbs, Pats kick returner – NFL record 108-yard kick return for a touchdown
The TD is nice, but returning a kick eight yards deep in the end zone? That’s just not smart football.

Predictions for Week 2:
● Bill Simmons dies from a catastrophic orgasm when the Pats light it up again.
● Al Davis demands that JaMarcus Russell be inserted into the starting lineup immediately. Russell completes just three passes, but each goes for 60-plus yards. He also throws six picks.
● The Pats are caught cheating again. This time, we learn that they murdered Chargers G.M. A.J. Smith last winter, replaced him with a robot, had the robot fire the entire coaching staff, and hand-picked Norv Turner as the replacement coach:

ROBOT SMITH: We select you as the head coach of this American football franchise, Mr. Turner. Please report to Qualcomm Stadium tomorrow at 0600 hours.

TURNER: I, uh. Well, Mr. Smith. This is a surprise. This is a reeeeeally nice surprise. Are you sure about this, though? You ain’t pullin’ my leg? Heh….heh. Now, before we sign on the dotted line…think you could toss in some Acutane?

● Chris Brown probably won't run for 175 yards again.