Friday Fun Links (and MORE!) girating bodies are music to our...ears?

Kev the Intern is pathetic for many a reason. The fact that he’s 26 years old and still living with his parents is a glaring one. And, because Mr. and Mrs. Intern are protective of little Kevy, his supply of masturbatory inspiration is in limited supply – they’ve installed Net Nanny on the family computer, blocking his access to his favourite Hentai websites, among others.

Consequently, Kev must find alternatives. One such substitute? Music videos. Here’s a couple of vids Kev keeps bookmarked:

Eric Prydz, Call on Me

Benni Benassi, Satisfaction

Christina Aguliera, Dirrty

Random Thoughts of the Week:

• Aren’t the current Miami Dolphins the perfect destination for Ricky Williams? No hype, no pressure, just a hopeless 0-9 team in a warm climate. He can probably light up on the sidelines. Will anyone care if he does? Will any TV network be airing a Miami game on purpose for the rest of the season? Maybe he’ll play barefoot with no helmet.

• What’s with Wayne Gretzky’s hair? You could turn him upside down and use him as a mop. A crappy mop made of hay with no charisma that stars in a million commercials.

• Remember Michael Vick?

• Swing the fucking basketball already, Raptors.

• Is there really any way A-Rod will still be a Yankee 10 years from now? We don’t care what his contract stipulates. There’s no way a player that douchey can survive a full decade on a team with fans more rabid than Mike Tyson after you jab his genitals with a fire poker and tongue kiss his mother in front of him.

• Congrats, PGA, for introducing drug tests for 2008. Yes, some 13-year-old girls can drive the ball 300 yards, but grown men still need muscle to hit the ball far. It’s not about technique. The only question is: why the hell aren’t we cracking down on dart throwers and poker players? Geez.

Kev’s Picks

Each Friday, Kev picks football games. Bear in mind, he is a parasite, a disease of football picking. They’re more pathetic than people who eat bugs for attention.

Jobs given to an intern: picking up donuts. Making copies. Being the brunt of many rather insulting jokes. Save Larkin and Hurk's ass. You read that right. Look at this place. They take more days off than George W. They take yesterday off after missing a full week? Could it be because this site was featured on SI.com and they want to milk it? Perhaps their festering love for each other boiled over after many hours stuck elbow-to-elbow in the SOJP office, and they’re taking some "personal time." Either way, leave it to the Intern to salvage this wreck of a website. On with the picks! Here is your winning ticket this week:

San Diego (+3) @ Jacksonville

There are few things I enjoy more than watching Norv Turner fail. Watching Bryan McCabe pretend to play defense is up there, but I think Norv takes the cake. Hiring a career 63-86-1 coach may seem like a brilliant idea, but it's not really working out this year. Not that it’s really Norv's fault; he’s just a shitty head coach. I do kinda feel bad for L.T., though. That's why I'm taking San Diego this week. Pity. I've tried thinking these through logically. I'm done with that. Pity. I say San Diego for the “W.”

Chicago (+6) at Seattle

Seattle forced me to sit through possibly the worst Monday Nighter of all time, and it's for this reason alone I'm taking Chicago. Spite. Pure spite. Losing to Sexy Rexy and the Bears is their just desserts for subjecting me to three-plus hours of horrid football. Book it.

NY Giants at Detroit (+3)

Detroit sure did let me down last week. It's cool, I'm used to it. I'm still taking Detroit in an upset. Why? Frustration. Every time I pick the Lions, they lose. They can't lose out the year, so I'm thinking they'll win this week. Also, I can't trust the Giants and their droopy-faced quarterback. Google “Eli Manning” and this is the first picture to show up. Priceless.


Tennessee (+1) at Denver

There was a whole story on ESPN about how Vince Young's production is dropping, yet the Titans keep winning (well, except for last week). Denver plays well at home and is coming off an impressive road win at KC. I'm still taking Tennessee. Why? Blind faith. Young wins games; that’s all there is to it. Oh, and they have a pretty amazing run defense (fourth in the NFL), a pretty solid pass defense (seventh in the NFL), Travis Henry is banged up, and Jay Cutler has nine picks in nine games. There's that too. Just sayin'.

KC (+14.5) at Indy

I'm picking KC. Yup. Consider this my upset special of the week. No Marvin Harrison. No Dallas Clark. Anthony Gonzalez hasn't practiced. Dwight Freeney might not even be able to start next season. Robert Mathis was injured in practice this week and might not suit up. Bob Sanders hasn't practiced this week. How bad is it for Indy? By the end of last week's game, it only had 40 players available to play. To put that into perspective, an NFL team can have 53 players available to play, with 47 of those dressed. Practice roster players were in the lineup. Players signed days before the game got regular playing time. It ain't gettin' any prettier.

Last week: 1-4

Season record: 5-14

Friday Fun Links (and MORE!):

Kev the Intern sucks. You know it. we know it. That’s why we found it particularly strange that he came up with a Fun Links theme that didn’t suck and was, in fact, pretty good. We don’t know, it’s some ying and yang shit. Anyway, the Intern is treating us to some vids of the greatest running backs of all time. His football picks and a few random thoughts will follow:

Barry Sanders, ballerina and running back extraordinaire.

Sweetness. This montage features a healthy does of running plays and, oddly, twice as many touchdown passes than Joey Harrington has thrown this season.

Whoops, shouldn’t have spoken so soon about sucky Kev finding non-sucky links. Here’s a photo montage of Jim Brown. Thanks Kev, but we’ve got plenty of old football magazines buried in the basement. At least he made up for it with this.

Random Thoughts of the Week

• The massive fellatio fest that is the New England Patriots media circus has cast shadows over some other amazing stories this year -- namely, the Ottawa Senators, who’ve “quietly” started the season 13-2-0 (they lost 4-1 to Washington last night). No NHL team has ever done that. But you won’t see them gracing the cover of Sports Illustrated any time soon. Shit, we’re Leaf fans, and even we think the Sens are being disrespected. The fact that an NFL team has gone 16-0 before, that it’s even possible, should put in perspective just how ridiculous it is for an NHL team to go 13-2.

• Marshawn Lynch is tough. Tougher than expected.

• Remember when Jason Blake had leukemia? Does he remember? He’s playing like a healthy man.

• Sports world, please, please stop unearthing more steroid users. WE GET IT. Everyone uses. You tell your kids Santa is fake once. You don’t remind them every day to rub salt in the wound.

• Why is Baltimore still playing Steve McNair? Why is ER still on? Why are they still making Halloween sequels? Do people still eat black licorice? How did George W. get elected twice? How did Jesse “the Body” Ventura get elected once? How is Jack Bauer still alive?

• Mad respect to Mike Lowell. A strong defender who had a monster year and deserves the praise he’s received. But as hot as Lowell is right now, is it really a good idea for Boston to bring him back? The warning signs are there. He’ll be 34 when the 2008 season starts and he’s likely to want at least a three-year deal. Plus, he had a huge season in his contract year. A bit scary. Not Michelle Tafoya scary, but scary nonetheless.

• Speaking of scary, the Celtics truly look terrifying. Not only do the Big Three look dominant, they also look unselfish, like they want to win. Did you see Ray Allen knock down a trey last night – after great picks by Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce?

• What’s with everyone saying the Pats won’t go 16-0 because they’ll sit Tom Brady in Week 17? Let’s weigh the options here for Brady and Bill Belichick. Rest up in anticipation of a fourth Super Bowl Ring, or take your chances with the second undefeated season in NFL history. Hmm… which would you choose?

• You know what we don’t need in our lives right now? The Toronto Raptors shitting the bed like Kev after his 23^rd birthday (seriously). On Tuesday, the Leafs were visiting Ottawa. Thankfully, or so we thought, we could get away with missing the slaughter because the Raps were playing well. Our reward? The Milwaukee fucking Bucks shooting 60 per cent from the field. At least we could flip to the Leafs’ 5-1 loss during commercials. Anyway, on with more Kev the Intern bed-shitting:

Kev’s Picks (season record: 4-10)

Each Friday, Kev picks football games. Bear in mind, he is a parasite, a disease of football picking. They’re more pathetic than Fat Camp.

Thank Christ I didn't have to post one of these last week. I've never been so cock-sure about a Pro-line ticket in my life; I went out and spent the $300 winnings. Well, it sure blew up in my face. But, luckily for me, you guys turned into lazy asses and took a week off and saved my bacon. Looking back, lord know why I'm typing this because I'm sure it'll get posted and come back to haunt me. As will using the terms "cock-sure", "blew up in my face" and "asses" in the same paragraph.

Well, here is my sure-fire Pro-line card of the week!!

Detroit (+1) @ Arizona
Seems that Jon Kitna and his "god" may be more right than we realize about the Lions’ 10-win season. I'm trying to figure out how the Cardinals are favoured in this one, all things considered. Detroit will win this one, pretty easily.

Minnesota @ Green Bay (-6)
Hurk and Larkin have been pullin' it all year to their life-sized poster of Brett Favre. Rightfully so. Favre's been great, and his team's benefiting from it. Who else has been great? All Day. For Minny to win, AD's gonna have to bring it again, and to quote a Vikes-crazed friend of mine, "Minnesota is 2-0 in games where Peterson rushes for over 220 yards." Well, I fucking hope so. He's going up against a top-10 run defense, and I wouldn't expect another 296-yard performance. I also wouldn't expect Minnesota to win on the road in this divisional match-up. The guys chafe their penises a little more and the Pack wins.

Atlanta @ Carolina (-4)
Grossssss. Honestly, will anyone be watching this game? Why am I even betting on this? Not entirely sure. Just for kicks, and to make this game "entertaining," they should pull the ol' switcheroo and have the “O” play the “D” and vice versa. Joey Harrington can't be worse at free safety can he? Can he? Umm... take... Carolina?

Buffalo (-3) at Miami
Oh, my Dolphins. At least they didn't lose last week. Godspeed to the bye week. I was recently made aware of the irony that Miami's QB's name is Lemon. Get it? He sucks! Even the '72 Phins are turning into huge douchebags after Shula's comment that the Pats going 16-0 deserves an asterisk. Really, to any new NFL fan out there, there are no redeeming qualities to the Miami Dolphins franchise. As shitty as the city of Buffalo is, its team has been surprisingly good (and if they didn't BLOW that game against Dallas in hilarious Bill-like fashion, they'd be riding a five-game win streak). It pains me to go against the Phins. Which means they will win. But take the Bills. Does that make sense?

Cincinnati @ Baltimore (-4)
Steve McNair’s numbers last week: 13 for 22, 63 yards and a pick. That's money folks. It's a good thing he's tough. Last time I made fun of Brian Billick's horrendous, horrendous offense, they came through with 20-plus points. Luckily for them, they’re playing the oh-so disappointing Bungles (they're back!). That being said, Cincy could explode for 40 points at any moment. I've spent four hours trying to balance out Cinci's horrible defense against Baltimore's horrible offense. It's like trying to decide if you'd prefer to have Mad Cow Disease or the Flesh Eating Virus. I'm taking Mad Cow. Take Cincy!

(Looking back, I don't think I could have chosen a more helter-skelter group of games. Every one of these has the possibility of blowing up in my face)

Friday Fun Links: Dumb Criminals

After Kev’s horrific showing in football picks last week (0-5), he said he’d find some videos of people dumber than him to boost his self-confidence. He didn’t have much trouble. The criminals in his compilation don’t exactly belong in the Ted Bundy/genius category. “Think Corky from Life Goes On,” Kev says:

One time, this guy crapped his pants because he was in such a hurry to get into a public restroom.

He’s already broken his patio door window twice.

Who asks for $200 in ransom (for yourself, no less)? Why not a hundred billion?

Why not put martial arts-trained Iranians in every convenience store? Although, the Intern says: “Who’s the bigger douche? The robber, or the store clerk making himself into a hero and doing jump kicks in the interview?”

And, finally, Kev’s piece de resistance, which will provide more laughs than his football picks. Almost.

Kev’s “super guaranteed” picks (3-7 this season)

Each Friday, Kev picks football games. Bear in mind, he is a parasite, a disease of football picking. They’re more pathetic than Kirk Van Houten.

We’ll review his picks every Wednesday in the PUP.

Painful. Watching the scores rack up last week – and multiple (justified) text messages and e-mails from Hurk and Larkin mocking my picks – has humbled my soul. Losses don't faze me, however. Undeterred, I will trudge to the local gambling kiosk and fill out a sure-fire winning ticket this week. You read that right. Sure-fire. It’s confidence like that that has landed me in the position I'm in today.

Cleveland @ St. Louis (+3)
My dream match-up this year would be Miami vs. St. Louis. It would be like watching Stephen Hawking and Chris Reeves duke it out. Unfortunately, it's not going to happen. St. Louis has been HORRENDOUS this year and is an underdog at home. I'm taking them to win. Why? Steven Jackson is returning this week, which will undoubtedly help the receiving corps (it doesn't hurt that Cleveland is ranked 30th vs. the run). Could this blow up in my face? Sure could, but after 0-5, what do I have to lose??

Jacksonville @ Tampa Bay (-3)

David Garrard went down last week and put the nail in my 0-5 coffin. Damn you Jacksonville, and your injury-prone quarterbacks! (See: Byron Leftwich) Having the back-up in won’t help against Tampa. The Bucs will cover. The line on Jeff Garcia "accidentally" fondling his centre's junk is four. He'll cover that on the first series.

Detroit at Chicago (-5)

What's up with Brian Griese? He's actually playing like a "quarterback." Detroit has been a decent team this year, but I can't see them beating the Bears at home. John Kitna's prayers to god go unanswered this week. Bears win.

Washington @ New England (-16.5)

Is -16.5 enough? Honestly? They've scored at least 34 in every game and basically made Miami look like a Pop Warner team. Actually, that's not far from the truth. The Pats are an impressive team, which will win impressively this week at home. Whatever the over is on this game, take it.

Philadelphia at Minnesota (+1)

This game is a toss-up, but the deciding factor will be whether or not Brian Childress has enough brains to figure out who his No. 1 running back is. Does it make sense that “All Day” had just 12 touches last week? After reading that, does it make sense that Minnesota lost? If you have the leading rusher in the NFL... you... USE HIM! Especially when he's averaging 5.25 yards a carry (vs. Dallas). Philly won't have Dawkins in the line-up and that will hurt – provided Childress doesn't get too much sun on that dome of his and keeps giving the ball to Chester Taylor. Take the Vikes with the mild upset at home.

Friday Fun Links: for the music lovers

Kev says there isn’t anything better than a live musical performance, that there’s “just something about seeing a person give it their all and putting it out there for their audience.” Today, the Intern has put some live music performances together for us, noting “There's no finer example of the talent available in this world than these wonderful, timeless performances.” And by “wonderful and timeless,” he means “terrible and shameless.”

Kev will break it down for you:

Meet Stacy Hedger, Trumpet Virtuoso.

In case you've never seen this, his (self-proclaimed) nickname is "sex," and as you can tell by his dance moves, it's well deserved.

We've all seen this wonderful performance of U.S. national anthem. A truer, more patriotic and heart-warming version could not have been performed. It’s up there with this classic.

Kev’s Picks (3-2 this season)

Each Friday, Kev picks football games. Bear in mind, he is a parasite, a disease of football picking. They’re more pathetic than kids with really bad asthma. You’ve been warned.

We’ll review his picks every Wednesday in the PUP.

Last week wasn’t entirely embarrassing. 3-2 isn't bad, but improvements are needed. This is the week to start.

Colts @ Jags (+3)
Consider this my upset special of the week. The Colts are the Colts, except, for some reason, when they play the Jags. Jacksonville always plays Indy tough (trouncing them 44-17 last year and losing by a touchdown in the other game) and they'll do it again at home. Take the Jags to win. Bonus pick: The over/under on Peyton Manning commercials airing during this game is set at 32. Take ESPN on the over.

Raven (-3) at Bills
A Bills regular season game in Toronto in 2009? What's that? Many Torontonians are hoping they’ll move North of the Border once Ralph “Weekend at Bernie's” Wilson kicks the bucket. Well, if they do, and Larry Tannenbaum and Rogers buy them team, expect those $500 season tickets you can get in Buffalo to SKYROCKET in price. Oh, wait, there's a game in Buffalo this weekend? The Bills are starting gunslinger Trent Edwards again, and I can't see him fairing too well against Mr. Ed Reed and Mr. Ray Lewis. Take the Ravens to win the Who Cares Bowl of the week.

Titans @ Texans (+1)
Who Cares Bowl II. The Madden Curse hit the Titans last week, and that'll hurt them this week. Young will be a game-time decision, but even if he plays, he won't be his usual mobile self. If he doesn't play? Kerry Collins gets the call. The Texans are a decent team (you can't be anything more than decent so long as you have Ron Dayne on your roster). Houston at home will be too much for the Titans this week.

Bears @ Philly (-5.5)
What's up with the Bears D? I'm thinking their dominance the last couple of years had more to do with Tank Johnson threatening the opposition with his vast arsenal of weaponry rather than any sort of talent. 31 points to Minnesota? "All Day" is a great back, but wasn't Brian Urlacher the best linebacker since Lawrence Taylor? I thought so after all the reach-arounds the sports media gave Chicago last season. Take Philly.

Steelers (-3.5) at Broncos
Take the Steelers in this one. They’re gonna run all over the Broncos. "Tackling" is defined as "a seizing, grasping, or bringing down; to seize, stop, or throw down (a ball-carrier); Football. to tackle an opponent having the ball." Someone should pass this over to the Broncos. Have you seen them (try to) "tackle"? You could throw a bunch of nine-year-olds out there and they'd at least accidentally trip a ball carrier after they got roached. With this critical skill missing, expect the Steelers to run all over the Broncos and take this one easily.

Friday Fun Links: Goalie Madness

Goalie hijinx.

Oh, NHL goalies. So quirky. Always talking to goalposts, refusing to step on the blue line, robbing banks.

That’s right. Robbing banks. While Kev was searching for porn the other day, he typed in “babysitter and Theo Fleury” and came up with this video. Oh yeah, the old Nike NHL goalie vids! Luckily for us, he sent us a batch of those for Friday Fun Links (which is better/much less creepy than the time he sent four gigs of babysitter porn).

Here they are for your viewing pleasure:

● The Babysitter

● Crazy French landscaper

● Bank robbery and the aftermath

● Cab driver

● Dial-a-Psychic

● Panhandler

● Custodial engineer

● Fast food jockey

● The bus stop

One last order of business. Beginning this weekend, Kev is going to make football picks. Now, we don’t want you going out and actually taking his advice. In fact, you’re best off choosing the exact opposite of Kev’s picks. He’s a parasite, a disease of football gambling. His selections are more pathetic than when he loses said picks, gets depressed, and spends all night watching Three’s Company reruns and eating an entire jar of mayonnaise and a large stick of pepperoni (he likes to dip). You’ve been warned.

Each Wednesday, we’ll evaluate his picks in the PUP.

If there's one thing The Intern is known for, it's compulsive gambling. The two trips I made to Las Vegas this year proved that outright. When you’re drinking beer on a pool patio and there are scantily-clad women around and all you're thinking about is getting back to the blackjack table, you know you have a problem.

Philly (-3) at NYJ
The Eagles are sixth in defense against the run. The Jets are the 29th best running team in the league, averaging a whopping 77.0 yards/game. When you combine that with the Pennington's wet noodle arm, you can book the Eagles to win and cover in this game.

Tennessee at Tampa (-3)
A battle of quarterbacks who can scramble and can win games for their team. One of them has a huge ego, the other might have an enormous crush on the other. Tampa has won three of their last four but played New Orleans, St. Louis and a David Carr-led Carolina. Not exactly teams to write home about. My brain says "home teams win 60% of the games in the NFL", but my gut is saying "take the underdog!!" So I will. Tennessee, and they cover.

New Orleans at Seattle (-6.5)
Let's face it, with Shaun Alexander running so upright his entire career, he was bound to get hurt... and he sure has. Coach Holmgren says Maurice Morris will get more carries this week. Oh yeah, Seattle’s fullback and second-most aptly named player in the NFL, Mack Strong, announced his retirement on Monday (the most aptly named? Injured Vikings RB Joey Goodspeed). What does that mean? My fantasy team is getting fucked. Who wins this game, you ask? The 'Aints sure are struggling but should be due. Seattle looked like crapola against a good Pittsburgh team, but is at home. Seattle breaks New Orleans like a weak levy and wins, but New Orleans will cover.

St. Louis at Baltimore (-9.5)
-9.5? -9.5?! Does it make sense to post a spread of 9.5 points for a team that wouldn't have covered this last week if they had shut out their opponent? St. Louis blows, but Brian Billick figuring out offense is like Helen Keller trying to figure her way out of a hedge maze. Baltimore will win this, but that's just because the Rams are so shitty on D. Rams will cover.

New England (-5) at Dallas
We all witnessed Romo suck in Dallas' HILARIOUS victory over the Bills. I found it strangely ironic how Madden kept referring to Favre as an "Old Tony Romo," but then on Monday night, Romo turned into a young Brett Favre. Well, he won't suck that bad this week, but he still won't win. The Pats are the best team in the league, and they'll put pressure on Romo to try and induce the same sort mistakes as last week. They'll win, but Dallas will keep it close at home. The Pats pull away at the end, win and cover.

Interesting Stat:
New England's Record: 5-0
Rest of AFC East, Combined: 2-13

Friday Fun Links: Themes are for the weak (or Kev is getting lazy)

Normally, Kev’s emails are incoherent and littered with profanity. Today was no different, though even his links are becoming affected now. Let Kev explain:

“I've been working hard at trying to find some sort of semblance of ‘thought’ to my links, and I thought this week ‘fuck that.’ These have little to nothing to do with each other, but are entertaining nonetheless.... on we go!!”

Who are we to argue with a guy who does work for us and whose only compensation is enduring shameless, unrelenting insults about his pathetic life? On Fridays, Kev the Intern is boss. Hence, we give you Kev the Intern unedited and uncut. Think of it as a “director’s cut” (but of a really crappy movie, like one of his favourites, Cheaper by the Dozen):

Further evidence that people are sheep. I introduce you to… the Slow-Motion Wave!

Who knew that the YMCA could be gayer?! (Ed note: It’s worth waiting for the first chorus to see the “back-up dancers.” Wow.)

Probably would have shat my pants 9x trying to surf this biatch.

I did zero research about this, but I can only assume they were winning at this point in the game. What the hell do you think the coaches were thinking when they saw this?

That’s all for now, enjoy the weekend.

Friday Fun Links: stupid sports injuries

Stupid sports injuries.

They happen all the time. Milton Bradley tears his knee during an argument with an umpire. Gus Frerotte headbutts a cement wall after a touchdown. Bill Gramatica shreds his knee after a meaningless field goal. Kev the Intern missing the second half of a playoff game after choking on a tofu dog at halftime.

In honour of these boneheaded injuries, we give you some of the dumbest sports injuries of all time (so dumb, in fact, that they aren’t all even actual sports).

Notice this little lady manages to be completely in the air at one point. Still, maybe she tipped it into the net off-camera. And this guy did make the save, though he’s got to work on his rebound control.

“Grape stomping.” Could it be the next Olympic someday? If it goes down anything like this, we vote “yes.”

Kev calls this one “Hans Moleman” classic. We agree.

Mrs. Jones hates it when the “special kids” practise their tightrope-walking routine.

That’s it for now. Enjoy your weekend. We know we will; we’re exhausted after you guys forced us back to daily. Thanks a lot, you soulless bloodsuckers!

Friday Fun Links: Mascot Madness

So the Intern was chowing down on breakfast last week (Count Chocula – time to grow up, Kevy) when he came across this link. Yes, that’s the Oregon Duck beating the piss out of the Houston Cougar. Why? Because that sumbitch stole the Duck’s trademark push-up routine. The crowd thought it was staged but, alas, these mascots were actually taking themselves a bit too seriously; the Duck was even suspended for a game. Kev’s favourite part was “when the Duck violently thrusts his groin into the Cougar’s face.”

Speaking of mascots and groin activity, the Intern is a bit of a plushophile. It’s not a serious case – he shakes the spray paint a couple of times a week to his furry friends, but that’s about it. Thus, he already had a healthy library in order for today’s Friday Fun Links: Mascot Madness.

It’s okay to admit you’ve been served – hey, who hasn’t? But by a stuffed elephant? These guys take the whole “the breaking dancing culture is a way of life” thing a bit far, even returning for a rematch against Thumper, the Oakland Athletics’ mascot.

The Bengals are writing up a contract for this guy as we speak. Lesson of the day: never steal Michigan State’s flag unless you want to cough up a lung.

Urban mascot lore says the Toronto Raptor knocked T-Wolf out cold after slamming his head off the court. By the way, for those of you who follow urban mascot lore: it’s true, the urban legend you heard about sex being good is true too. Try it some time.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t locate a video of the Mariner Moose horrifically mangling his ankle in the outfield a few years back. If anyone finds it, send it along and we’ll post it. For now, you’ll have to settle for the Moose trying to kill Coco Crisp with an ATV.

That’s it for now. Enjoy your boring, monotonous, SOJP-less weekend.

Friday Fun Links: Rant-o-riffic...uh...rants

After chirping Kev the Intern for his lacklustre efforts during our layoff, we got the feeling he was a little annoyed with us. We couldn’t quite put our finger on it, but something just seemed… off. Oh yeah. And there was this email:

“There, a double dose of links, who’s on the Douchemeter now?

“Douchebags.”

Yes, the Intern was a little chagrined by last week’s Douchemeter, which he placed fifth on. We may have fudged some of the statistics we provided; Kev actually did send us one link during the break, and he watched Mr. Wrong twice. For this, we extend an olive branch and our sincerest apology. He has, in fact, provided a double-bill of links. We’ll hold onto batch No. 2 until next week. Today? His favourite rant-o-riffic tirades:

If this happened in the NFL, iron-fisted Roger Goodell would have had Darko Milicic kidnapped in a burlap sack and tossed into a river.

Obviously, neither this nor this needs an introduction. Both are Hall of Fame meltdowns. Mora’s clip, of course, is so classic it’s been turned into a commercial and also gives us an excuse to post this underrated gem. Imagine Jim Mora's kid coming home with a "C" on his math assignment and his mom freaking out. Then Jimmy Jr. asks Dad if they'll have ice cream after dinner:

"Ice cream? Don't talk about ice cream. You kidding me? Ice cream? (waves arms in exasperation) I just hope we eat at all."

Deviating from his usual antics of shattering ankles, Allen Iverson takes a moment to shatter the record for most times “practice” is said in an interview.

Kenny Rogers is a bully.

Thanks for the tip, Herm.

Bobby Knight adds sarcasm to his repertoire of throwing chairs and abusing his players.

“Tell Lindy to fuck off.”

Oddly enough, we close things out with more Ken Hitchcock, after this goal leads to this light-hearted chirping of netminder Antero Niittymaki.

Enjoy the weekend – try to take it easy on the beef jerky and hookers wearing roller skates – and we’ll see you on Monday.

Friday Fun Links: Child football players wow us

Kev the Intern loves his football. He even tried playing it. For a long time, actually. Was he good? Hmmm. Well, try these numbers on for size:

Career high school quarterback rating: 5.8
Career-best numbers after becoming a corner in university: zero picks, four tackles in 16 games

The numbers don’t lie. Neither does this Kev the Intern home movie (of course, we may or may not have lied about everything in the preceding few paragraphs, but that’s beside the point). He thought of himself as a “scrambler” back in his quarterbacking days. That was short-lived.

Kev finally woke up and started living vicariously through budding young superstars.

He’s “blindsided by the awesomeness of Cody Paul.” So are we. The kid’s helmet is bigger than his torso. He hasn’t started producing semen, yet but he breaks tackles like pre-prison Jamal Lewis and dances like Emmett Smith (the Dances with the Stars version).

Enter Noel Devine, whom Kev calls the greatest football player never to reach the NCAA. The guy who posted the video sums Devine up perfectly: "This guy is too insane; either he's playing against retards or he is the next LaDainian Tomlinson or Reggie Bush.”

“You can read more about Noel (including his stint living with Deion Sanders) here.” Thanks, YouTube encyclopaedia Kev. Do you work for a living?

The kids from Plano East high school make the greatest comeback of all time…or do they? Forget what happens on the field. Listen to the cowboy announcers deliver the most biased commentary in the history of sports. The colour guy must be a drunken fan who stumbled into the booth. Amazing.

What does this have to do with recruitment? Kev says people should recruit the kids from Plano East “out of pity.” A stretch, but it’s worth it just so show the video.

Friday Fun Links XTREME!

This week, Kev the Intern honours the X-Games. No, he’s not really an extreme sports fan. A few summers ago Kev tried catching a pop fly with his face -- in his words, his face “exploded,” leading to simultaneous bleeding from below his eye, his nose and his mouth -- and that’s about as crazy as he gets nowadays.

Still, he says he was inspired after watching this incredible 40-foot fall by Jake Brown. Some things he wanted to mention in particular about that video:

1) It's a ridiculous bail
2) Tony Hawk's comments immediately after the fall (0:39)... Hawk cares WAY more about the fact that Brown hit a 720 versus the fact that he's a lump of meat at the bottom of the ramp
3) "His shooooooeeeesss popped off!"
4) The overstatement of how much of a "hero" this guy is by Hawk & Co.
5) "Jake Brown, 32, suffered bruising of the liver and lung, stress fractures in his vertebrae, severe whiplash and a broken wrist"

Awesome. Anyway, on with the links:

The Intern, lazy as ever, digs up this already prepared compilation of X-Games chaos. U2 sings “Sometimes, you can’t make it on your own,” in the background, though some of these guys are gonna need jetpacks to make it at all.

Do you think this is what a dude with a fat girlfriend feels like if she’s had a few drinks, or maybe popped some ecstasy?

Let’s discuss potential sports to add to the X-Games. Any idea what Kev suggests? If you guessed “Buggy Rollin” vs. Motorcycle racing, you’re right.

And to finish the day off, we’ll let Kev do the explaining:

“I don't care if this isn't a sport, it's fucking increeeddddiiibbbllle, and I couldn't NOT add it. Fuck, I love the Japanese.”

Have a good weekend, kiddies, we’re back on Monday.

Friday Fun Links: little shopping network of horrors

When you never go anywhere on Friday nights, you masturbate. When you take breaks between tuggin' sessions, you watch the home shopping channel. Like Kev the Intern.

Here's a list of the best shopping network blunders Kev could find. We trust his expertise; he owns more crappy knives (that's four easy payments of $19.99!!!) than anyone we know.

You have to love "Odell", the voice of reason, calming viewers after this downy skewers himself. Something tells us Odell had emergency surgery of his own one day, and it involved removing a piece of his frontal lobe.

This clip isn’t as funny, since nobody gets hurt (unless you count the call screener who was immediately fired and wound up fishing through dumpsters for skunky meat and half-full cartons of milk so his kids wouldn’t get made fun of at school because they didn’t have a lunch. Thanks, Dad!).

Ladders: great for climbing stuff and removing those two front teeth you never wanted.

This dude gets dominated by another ladder. Funny how the lady on the phone keeps the sales pitch going as the TV talent stands there like a deer in the headlights. But hey – “He’s moving,” so everything turned out fine. Brain damage is a myth.

“Now let me show you something really impressive.” It truly is an impressive display. We’re impressed that the host has a job. We're impressed he successfully got dressed in the morning. We're impressed he learned the English language (or any, for that matter). And we're impressed he went 40 seconds on air without defecating in his pants.

Our hearts hurt for this poor guy. He’s shaking uncontrollably as he shows off his pride and joy….and, well, he flat out accidentally explodes it with his bare hands. Do you think the same thing happened when he showed off his firstborn child? And does the awesomeness outweigh the sadness? Yep.

Friday Fun Links: The Intern`s Darwin Awards

Fifteen years ago, give or take, Al Gore invented the Internet. It’s primary purpose was twofold: (a) so 14-year-old boys could use something other than the lingerie section of the Sears catalogue to perform shameful self-gratification; and (b) so we could document and witness (over and over and over again) the stupidity of humanity as people take every opportunity to hurt and humiliate themselves.

Few people are as qualified as Kev the Intern to prepare a list of links appropriate to category B (though we have no doubts he could come up with a list for category A equally as well). Kev has no life beyond the Internet; it is his source of energy. If he were ever stranded on a desert island for a few years and was forced to eat coconuts and muskrats the entire time, upon his return to civilization he’d eschew a hamburger if it meant he could watch a 15-minute montage of children getting kicked in the groin on CollegeHumour.com.

Thus, we celebrate stupidity, the Intern’s “Darwin Awards.” He says they will make you think of one of (or all of) three things:

What the fuck was he thinking?

Is this seriously happening?

Let's watch that again.

Kev suggested measuring the bungee cord before making the leap.

At least after realizing he was capable of this kind of flexibility, this guy won’t be as upset when he can’t find a date for Saturday nights.

An all-time classic. Probably the greatest “blooper” in sports history, this guy turns his sternum into dust.

Do you think they’re really hurt, or they didn’t see the flying shrapnel, assumed it was a tackle, and hit the deck trying to draw a foul? Just kidding, we know they're not hurt.

Says Kev the Intern: “Anything involving fat people is hilarious.” Death, taxes and fat people, that’s what we say! Anyway, fat guy on diving board, fat guy on skateboard ramp.

Note the sadistic laughter as this androgynous tubby shrieks for its life.

Supermodels: beautiful, sexy, graceful. Bonus points for the audience’s unabashed laughter.

That Malaysian engineering degree was totally worth it!

Words can’t do this clip justice. He is cocky, confident and determined, making his complete ineptitude all the more enjoyable. Arguably one of the 10 best clips in Internet history.

And finally, one last clip to blow your mind. Yes, you are watching a thousand Filipino prisoners recreate Thriller while a dude in drag fears for his zombie-plagued life.

Friday Fun Links: Dog days of summer

“Arf, Arf!” and “LET’S GET IT ON!” should never go in the same sentence, right?

Right?

As we’ve recently learned, Michael Vick disagrees. Kev the Intern, fresh off last week’s Friday Fun Link flop, was eager to redeem himself and figured capitalizing on Vick’s sadistic pleasures was the path to redemption.

He was right.

Enjoy these dog-themed links brought to you by Kev, our own little bitch (we rewarded him with 45 minutes of fetch). No, they’re not violent! We’re not monsters.

Said the Intern: “It cannot be counted how many times I heard ‘Who Let the Dogs Out’ while searching for these.”

The only non-juicer in the Tour De France causes a big crash. He’s OK, we swear.

Funny -- if this lady did this exact routine with a human, she’d be a total loser. Well, I guess she’s still a loser, but this is impressive.

Is this poor pooch straight out of a Farrelly Brothers movie or what?

Kev: “I wish this dog took my math exams.” Zing!

Enjoy your weekend. See you on Monday.

Friday Fun Links: Press conference dust ups

Poor Kev the Intern.


He’s like a Scorsese movie character who becomes too comfortable and starts getting sloppy with business during his gradual decline, eventually leading to him getting pummelled with aluminum baseball bats.


He was “busy” this week and thought he could get by with a completely random links compilation, including everything from 1993 World Series highlights to this loser’s ridiculous golf shot.


Sorry, Kev. You didn’t cut it this week. We’re taking you out to the desert to “get made.”


Anyone catch Wednesday's Fernando Vargas/Ricardo Mayorga brawl? Intense, especially when Vargas starts talking about street fighting and how he’ll “shake your hand if you shake his.” He may as well have been twirling a butterfly knife in front of the camera.

The melee wasn’t the first pre-fight press conference explosion we’ve seen. Check out these doozies:


Mike Tyson vs. Lennox Lewis -- 2002
The uncensored version. You’d swear the Nasdaq just crashed as rioting men in suits fill the screen with chaos. Then there’s Tyson’s ridiculous tirade, in which says he’ll eat Lewis’ asshole and tells a bystander “I’ll fuck you ’til you love me.” Wow. In case you didn’t know already, Mike Tyson is a horrible human being (and we use the term loosely).


Lennox Lewis vs. Hasim Rahman -- 2001
The pushing, shoving and table smashing madness is good, but the awkward host trying to break up the melee with a “Fellas, fellas,” and nervously resting his hand on the two hulking boxers is great.


Larry Holmes vs. Trevor Berbick -- 1991
This one’s hard to see, but it’s worth a look for (a) Berbick the Tattle Tale wailing that Holmes “kicked me and punched me!” and (b) Holmes doing his best "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka impression. Wicked.



Riddick Bowe vs. Larry McDonald -- 1994
Sucker punches: evil, rare and awesome. Imagine seeing TWO, back-to-back? Bowe hammers McDonald with two haymakers and McDonald takes it. What a chin.


And this clip needs no introduction.

Friday Fun Links: Iron Mike Madness

Kev the Intern is at it again. He’s still hot and cold with his links -- he sent us a “wicked” Smashmouth tribute video he actually thought we’d post. But before we could euthanize the nancy, he redeemed himself with some spectacular Mike Tyson footage.

Says the Intern: “Is there anything more amazing than watching Mike Tyson DESTROY people to Toto’s ‘I’ll Be Over You’? Probably not.” There may be more amazing things out there -- Angelina Jolie poopin’ in your mouth comes to mind -- but Tyson knockouts are pretty close. We’re still trying to figure out what possessed HBO to open its event with Toto.

Even better than the Toto montage is this five-minute KO carnage fest. It’s funny -- the old Mike Tyson was an animal in a “cool” way, a vicious predator, a shark who smelled blood and ripped opponents apart. Now he’s more of a diseased coyote that kills your neighbour’s terrier and gets taken down by Animal Control.

Is it wrong that it’s so much sweeter to watch him crush the awkward white guys? Something about the way their wavy hair flops when they hit the canvass amps up the “Ohhhhhhhh!” factor.

Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff weighed in on Tyson’s glory days with “I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson.” It has that slow, cheesy cadence you still see in any educational rap video today. Did you ever have to watch that Hepatitis B one in grade school? “Hepatitis B is a real bad rap.” Let’s face it: if Hepatitis B is the worst disease DJ Jazzy Jeff is stricken with, he should consider himself a lucky man.

Lastly, this clip isn’t Iron Mike, but can we pretend it is? We need an excuse to show you a crime-fighting dwarf who bangs women five times his size (on second thought, we probably don't need an excuse to show you a crime-fighting dwarf who bangs women five times his size).

Friday Fun Links: More injuries than Vince Carter with a game on the line

Last week, Linksmaster Kev sent us this e-mail from Las Vegas:

So drunkl, up 100. Bucks... So drunk... Blackberried plus drinlkin equals poor messages..

The next morning, he followed up that doozy with this:

Don't judge me based on that email... The intern deserves some time away.. I work soooo hard

The problem is, the "Intern" hadn’t been working very hard at all -- until now. Spurred on by a conversation between him and his girlfriend about Dave Drebecky wrapping his arm around himself like a friggin’ hula-hoop (click here and scroll ahead to No. 8 in the compilation to watch), he prepared us a delightful list of graphic, stomach churning sports injuries.

Be warned, squeamish people -- this is going to be harder to make it through than a weekend at the Benoit residence. And yes, there are so many more we could have included, but we’d like to eat sometime between now and next Thursday:

Not only did LT inflict a few moments of horrible pain (and months of rehab) on Joe Theismann, he punished football fans by launching Joey T’s smooth transition into broadcasting.

Big league clubs just never know what to expect from these Japanese ball players, with their mysterious gyro balls and unique fielding techniques.

Ever wonder what somebody would look like with a dog leg? Now you know.

Hockey players are notorious for dropping clichés, but we’ll excuse Clint Malarchuk for saying he "left it all on the ice." This time.

You know those ’roid monkeys you see at the gym who spend all their time on their upper body while neglecting their legs? Here’s why you should work on the legs.

Catch the ball, pussy!

Kev suggests Allen Ray is fine and merely practising his "best Beetlejuice impression."

The hoop and harm!

He had a tough run, but he manages to keep perfectly still on his landing.

Garbo’s leg now officially garbage.

Shaun Livingston experiments with right angles.

This one isn’t actually a sport. Unless you consider being a stupid moron a sport, in which case these guys should have a national TV contract already.

Friday Fun Links: ranking every Rocky montage

Sex. Eating. Drinking. Sleeping.

Rocky montages.

All are basic human needs. We don't know about you, but we'd fast for a day or pull an all-nighter if it meant a nice dose of Rocky montages. The SOJP team analyzed and ranked every single Rocky montage. The task was a marathon, but we punched lots of meat, ran up tons of steps, climbed a mountain and even hopped around on the beach in jubilation to get it done.

Here is the list, from worst to best. Worth noting: There are no Rocky V clips listed and you won't find any online. The universe has an unspoken agreement to never discuss or watch Rocky V again. Let's keep it that way.

With that, let's get it on:

12. Rocky IV (1985) - No easy way out

The first and worst of four montages in Rocky IV -- the movie had roughly 40 minutes of dialogue; the rest was filled with montages -- not that we’re complaining. Rocky cruises through the streets of Philly, struggling with his decision to let Apollo Creed keep fighting Ivan Drago, which ultimately led to Creed’s death. Cheese factor is at an all-time high as Drago lurks in the shadows while Survivor reminds us "We’re not indestructible" and "There’s no easy out."

11. Rocky II (1979) - Rocky/Apollo rematch montage (5:10 into clip)

Two rounds of mayhem pass, then the montage starts as the announcer calls the fight "World War III." Pretty epic. Highlights: Rocky spearing Creed, Creed rubbing Rocky’s head to taunt him, NEITHER FIGHTER BLOCKING A SINGLE PUNCH, slo-mo shots of Rocky’s face getting pummelled, Adrian telling Rocky to "Hit him back!"

The fight is intense and full of hatred, but not particularly inspiring.

10. Rocky Balboa (2006) - Building some hurtin’ bombs

Largely as a tribute to the first film, Rock pairs with Apollo’s old trainer, Duke Evers, one last time. Duke reminds Rock he’s old, slow and brittle. The solution? Build some "hurtin’ bombs." While Mason "The Line" Dixon dances around like a fairy in his multimillion dollar training complex, Rock goes old school, pumping iron, eating raw eggs, sparring with large pieces of frozen meat, jogging up large flights of steps in Converse hightops with no arch support and smashing kegs while Paulie drunkenly shouts "Getting stronger!" in the background.

9. Rocky III (1982) - Rocky and Clubber train… in Spanish?

We could only find a bootlegged clip of this gem. Bootlegged in ’82? Camcorders existed then? Apparently they did in Mexico. Note (a) the Spanish subtitles and (b) how the movie is just as good if you don’t understand English.

Nice contrast between Rocky’s hotshot training in front of fans and Mr. T’s intense solo training in a dark room. The saxophones are a bit of a nightmare, though.

8. Rocky Balboa (2006) - Rock’s final stand (3:00 into clip)

The Italian Stallion digs deep. Rock calls on fallen friends for inspiration, thinking of Adrian and Mick while trading major-league blows with a much younger and faster Dixon. The montage loses points thanks to a lack of Apollo among Rock’s thoughts, though it does a nice job portraying Rocky’s underdog status.

7. Rocky IV (1985) - Rocky battles Russian terrain, inner demons

An intense but contemplative Rocky trains alone in Russia. Is he preparing to fight Drago or his own inner demons? We don’t blame you for Apollo’s death, Rock -- neither should you. Either way, he isn’t happy; that stinkin’ commie better like the taste of leather.

6. Rocky IV (1985) - Rocky avenges Apollo’s death

After Drago is busted open in the first round we realize he isn’t a machine after all, but merely a man. Rocky, on the other hand, is another story. "He’s not human…" glowers the big Ruskie. "He is like a piece of iron."

Five minutes of pure chaos ensues as the two sluggers pound the piss out of each other. With Adrian and smug Russian government officials looking on, the Moscow crowd turns on Drago, which on a 10-point scale of improbability is roughly a 74. The net result? The end of the Cold War. Another day’s work for Rocky Balboa.

5. Rocky III (1982) – Intro montage

Rocky III signals the end of the "serious" Rocky movies when it starts with a montage. This one is absolute sensory overload: Rocky destroying guys with haymakers, juxtaposed with clips of suddenly decked-out Paulie drinking and Rocky on magazine covers, all while Clubber Lang, a.k.a. Mr. T., watches angrily in the background? Heaven.

Oh, wait, that was just the first minute and a half. We also witness Mr. T. absolutely eating various anonymous boxers’ souls while Rocky sells out with boatloads of ads and telethons. And we see Rocky opening Christmas presents while sitting on a motorcycle in his house. And Rocky and Adrian rolling around in a field, making out. Dear Lord. Did we mention all this Rocky goodness is cued to "Eye of the Tiger"?

4. Rocky IV (1985) - Rocky calls out Drago from a friggin’ mountaintop

With Adrian’s arrival, Rocky is reassured he’s doing the right thing and his true training begins. He and his nemesis are juxtaposed as Drago trains by using more freaky toys than a Russian fetish porn. Philadelphia’s Son, meanwhile, sticks to splitting wood and good old fashioned American heart. And calling out Drago from a mountain top? One order of goosebumps, please.

3. Rocky III (1982) – Rocky and Apollo’s homoerotic adventure

Where do we begin with this one? Between Rocky and Apollo’s sweaty foot-shuffle exercise -- during which they pretty much grind -- the close-ups of their bulges and thighs as they run, and the immortal beach frolicking scene, we have arguably the gayest three minutes of heterosexual film ever created.

If the homoeroticism isn’t enough, you can love this sequence because it’s cool that Creed helps Rocky think outside the box and develop speed to beat Clubber Lang.

2. Rocky (1976) – Rocky vs. Apollo (3:10 into clip)

Rocky gets the shit beaten of him for 10 rounds before Creed drops him in Round 14. Bill Conti’s violin tugs at your heartstrings as Adrian watches Rocky struggle to get up. The "You have got to be fucking kidding me" look on Creed’s face when Balboa rises is one of the most memorable moments in sports flick history. You’ll be ready to ejaculate from pure inspiration as Rocky hammers Creed’s ribs to close out the round while the rousing "bum-bum-bum-bum" of drums plays in the background. Wicked.

1. Rocky (1976) – How it all began

The one that started it all. Where would movie montages be without it? It’s simple but brilliant. Punchin’ meat, takin’ shots to the gut – a manly man doing manly things. And don’t tell us you don’t tear up when he finally reaches the top of those steps.

Friday Fun Links: It's not alcohol, but it'll have to do

“Oh my God. That… was… AWESOME!”

You all should know that line, immortalized by Chris Farley in Tommy Boy when a buck busts out of David Spade’s convertible. There’s something about animals showing their pure physical power that makes us let out a collective “OHHHHHHH!” every time we see them do something “awesome.”

Keep that in mind as you check out today's links:

Battle at Kruger
Sounds like a crucial stand the Allies made against the Nazis, doesn’t it? It’s exactly that, except replace Allies with buffalo, Nazis with lions and the Italians with equally slimy crocodiles.

Shark vs. Octopus
Who knew the tentacled ones were the Jeffrey Dahmers of the ocean?

Shark Eats Seal
You’ve probably seen it before, but watching a Great White shaming Dwight Howard’s sticker dunk never gets old. Check out that vertical.

Bloated Beach Monster
That shark dominated the seal, an impressive display compared to this lethargic creature’s pathetic attempt to devour its prey.