Last night’s studs:
1. BRANDON WEBB -- Webb was solid in a 3-2 win over Milwaukee, giving up five hits and two runs in seven innings, but the Diamondbacks’ ace gets credit for a ridiculous 42-inning scoreless streak. The streak was the fifth-longest since 1940. Superstitious manager Bob Melvin avoided Webb during the streak and hadn’t talked to him in a month. Cool.
2. ALBERT PUJOLS -- Pujols has homered in five consecutive games, three shy of the Major League record. The tater was his 30th of the season, making Pujols the first player in MLB history to hit 30 homers in each of his first seven seasons. Pujols' bomb came with him hobbling around the basepaths with a hamstring injury which left him numb from the waist down at one point. Yeah, it totally sounds like he’s only 27 years old.
3. FRANKLIN GUTIERREZ -- Thankfully, it looks like we’re back on track; after a rash of no-namers earning Stars the past few weeks, Gutierrez is the only “who?” to make the list today. The Cleveland right fielder homered, doubled, walked and made a running catch to rob Magglio Ordonez in the third inning of an 11-8 win over the Tigers.
AND ONE TEAM MORE ATROCIOUS THAN ANY OTHER IN THE PAST 110 YEARS: THE BALTIMORE ORIOLES: Baltimore made modern Major League history, losing to the Texas Rangers 30-3. Despite the inception of weight training, corked bats, dieting, juiced balls, expansion and steroids, somehow, Baltimore managed to give up more runs than any team since 1897. We’re not giving a Star to the Texas Rangers for piling up 30 runs against the Orioles. It is impressive on their part, yes, but it takes a special performance of great ineptitude to give up 30 runs. Hang your heads in shame, Orioles. That was a poor performance of epic proportions.
Showing posts with label Three Stars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Three Stars. Show all posts
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Three Stars (and one guy who won't be dog-sitting for us any time soon)
Last night’s studs:
1. GARRET ANDERSON – Only 10 RBI last night? Why not 2,304,3045,734? What the fuck, Garret?
2. LARRY JOHNSON – Fantasy nerds are masturbating all over their preview magazines. L.J. finally signed. No more Frank Gore and his broken hand going in the top three. Funny how L.J. means so much more to fantasy than he does to the Chiefs right now. They’ll be as successful as Drew Carey on The Price is Right. No, worse. As successful as Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football. No, worse. As successful as Poland.
3. JOSE OFFERMAN AND HIS LAWYER – They get points for vivid imagination. They’re seriously challenging Offerman’s arrest for last week’s bat attack, despite photographs showing him swinging the bat at opponents. Hey, it worked for O.J.
AND ONE GUY WHO WON’T BE DOG-SITTING FOR US ANY TIME SOON: STEPHON MARBURY – He publicly defended the Dogslayer yesterday, claiming athletes get unfair scrutiny. Sure, he was right in claiming we should be tough on hunters who shoot animals for sport too, but defending Vick? Come on. Stick to what you know, Starbury. Like selling $14 sneakers made of crack. And missing forced jumpshots. And hosting horrible TV shows no one watches.
1. GARRET ANDERSON – Only 10 RBI last night? Why not 2,304,3045,734? What the fuck, Garret?
2. LARRY JOHNSON – Fantasy nerds are masturbating all over their preview magazines. L.J. finally signed. No more Frank Gore and his broken hand going in the top three. Funny how L.J. means so much more to fantasy than he does to the Chiefs right now. They’ll be as successful as Drew Carey on The Price is Right. No, worse. As successful as Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football. No, worse. As successful as Poland.
3. JOSE OFFERMAN AND HIS LAWYER – They get points for vivid imagination. They’re seriously challenging Offerman’s arrest for last week’s bat attack, despite photographs showing him swinging the bat at opponents. Hey, it worked for O.J.
AND ONE GUY WHO WON’T BE DOG-SITTING FOR US ANY TIME SOON: STEPHON MARBURY – He publicly defended the Dogslayer yesterday, claiming athletes get unfair scrutiny. Sure, he was right in claiming we should be tough on hunters who shoot animals for sport too, but defending Vick? Come on. Stick to what you know, Starbury. Like selling $14 sneakers made of crack. And missing forced jumpshots. And hosting horrible TV shows no one watches.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Three Stars (and one guy who cried himself to sleep last night)
Last night’s studs:
MARK TEIXEIRA – The man keeps on mashing; he smacked two bombs and drove in six as the Braves routed the Reds last night. Calling him an Atlanta folk hero might be an understatement now. No, Georgians can’t spell his name yet, but we’re pretty sure they can’t spell Georgia either, so we’ll give them a mulligan.
JEFF CIRILLO – The Diamondbacks backup infielder and pinch hitter stayed in to pitch the ninth last night…and struck out Craig Counsell with an ugly knuckleball en route to a scoreless inning. Counsell hung his head all the way to the dugout (and, presumably, all the way home, where his wife told him he was sleeping on the couch because the kids were going to get picked on at school the next morning. Way to go, dad.)
YOVANI GALLARDO – The Bizarro world strikes again. The rookie hurler, who sounds like a smokin’ hot supermodel, threw six scoreless innings but really turned heads when he smashed a Doug Davis offering over the left field wall for his first career homer. Everybody wants to be Rick Ankiel now. A pitchers-who-can-suddenly-hit steroid investigation looms.
AND ONE GUY WHO CRIED HIMSELF TO SLEEP LAST NIGHT: MARK REYNOLDS – Another pick from the D-Backs/Brewers game? Maybe we had a bit too much strawberry wine during last night’s Golden Girls marathon. Anyway, Reynolds. What a piece of feces. He struck out four times, made a bad error at third that led to a three-run Brewers inning, and even let a foul ball drop in front of him. If he had a game like that in little league, he’d be walking home. No ride on the motorbike with daddy.
Almost unrelated side note: You know how players often get the pie in the face during post-game interviews after a good game? Maybe guys who stink it up should get a negative food stuffed in their face. Like a peanut butter and cockroach sandwich.
MARK TEIXEIRA – The man keeps on mashing; he smacked two bombs and drove in six as the Braves routed the Reds last night. Calling him an Atlanta folk hero might be an understatement now. No, Georgians can’t spell his name yet, but we’re pretty sure they can’t spell Georgia either, so we’ll give them a mulligan.
JEFF CIRILLO – The Diamondbacks backup infielder and pinch hitter stayed in to pitch the ninth last night…and struck out Craig Counsell with an ugly knuckleball en route to a scoreless inning. Counsell hung his head all the way to the dugout (and, presumably, all the way home, where his wife told him he was sleeping on the couch because the kids were going to get picked on at school the next morning. Way to go, dad.)
YOVANI GALLARDO – The Bizarro world strikes again. The rookie hurler, who sounds like a smokin’ hot supermodel, threw six scoreless innings but really turned heads when he smashed a Doug Davis offering over the left field wall for his first career homer. Everybody wants to be Rick Ankiel now. A pitchers-who-can-suddenly-hit steroid investigation looms.
AND ONE GUY WHO CRIED HIMSELF TO SLEEP LAST NIGHT: MARK REYNOLDS – Another pick from the D-Backs/Brewers game? Maybe we had a bit too much strawberry wine during last night’s Golden Girls marathon. Anyway, Reynolds. What a piece of feces. He struck out four times, made a bad error at third that led to a three-run Brewers inning, and even let a foul ball drop in front of him. If he had a game like that in little league, he’d be walking home. No ride on the motorbike with daddy.
Almost unrelated side note: You know how players often get the pie in the face during post-game interviews after a good game? Maybe guys who stink it up should get a negative food stuffed in their face. Like a peanut butter and cockroach sandwich.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Three Stars (and one guy who's hanging around to piggyback on Tom Brady for a Super Bowl ring)
The weekend’s studs:
1. MICAH OWINGS -- On Saturday, the Diamondbacks pitcher did his best Babe Ruth impression. Pitching in Atlanta near his hometown of Gainesville, GA., Owings notched seven strikeouts over seven innings, giving up three runs and three hits, AND went four for five at the dish with a double, two homers, six RBI and four runs scored. Micah. Owings. We’d make a joke but our heads just exploded.
2. JOHAN SANTANA -- Yesterday, the Twins ace fanned 17 batters -- he didn’t shake off catcher Mike Redmond once -- and gave up just two hits through eight innings in a 1-0 win over the Rangers. Finally, people in Minnesota have a reason to live besides Charles Schultz and a couple of Oscars for Fargo. Wait, Fargo is in North Dakota? Looks like it’s suicide for you after all, Minnesotans.
3. ROGER FEDERER -- Federer wins another title, the 50th of his career. The sun also came up and A-Rod still (presumably) has a small dick. Ho hum. Until Federer wins playing left handed or with a racket made before he was born, he’s not getting any higher than third star.
AND ONE GUY WHO’S HANGING AROUND TO PIGGYBACK ON TOM BRADY FOR A SUPER BOWL RING: VINNY TESTAVERDE -- Just die, already.
1. MICAH OWINGS -- On Saturday, the Diamondbacks pitcher did his best Babe Ruth impression. Pitching in Atlanta near his hometown of Gainesville, GA., Owings notched seven strikeouts over seven innings, giving up three runs and three hits, AND went four for five at the dish with a double, two homers, six RBI and four runs scored. Micah. Owings. We’d make a joke but our heads just exploded.
2. JOHAN SANTANA -- Yesterday, the Twins ace fanned 17 batters -- he didn’t shake off catcher Mike Redmond once -- and gave up just two hits through eight innings in a 1-0 win over the Rangers. Finally, people in Minnesota have a reason to live besides Charles Schultz and a couple of Oscars for Fargo. Wait, Fargo is in North Dakota? Looks like it’s suicide for you after all, Minnesotans.
3. ROGER FEDERER -- Federer wins another title, the 50th of his career. The sun also came up and A-Rod still (presumably) has a small dick. Ho hum. Until Federer wins playing left handed or with a racket made before he was born, he’s not getting any higher than third star.
AND ONE GUY WHO’S HANGING AROUND TO PIGGYBACK ON TOM BRADY FOR A SUPER BOWL RING: VINNY TESTAVERDE -- Just die, already.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Three Stars (and one guy who plays "Hangin' with Mr. Cooper" to Johan Santana's "Chapelle's Show"): LaRun, LaForest, LaRun!
Last night’s studs:
1. PETE LAFOREST – San Diego’s Canadian catcher was called up for the injured Michael Barrett. Thanks to our Canadian inferiority complex, Laforest was making this list even if he went 0/5 and sexually assaulted a batboy after grounding into his third double play. Pete helped us out by notching three hits and a two-run homer in an 11-9 win. He and fellow Canadian Jeff Francis, a Rockies pitcher, celebrated by shotgunning a six-pack of Molson, going hunting, and sexually assaulting a batboy.
2. YADIER MOLINA – Yadier went three for three with a pair of homers after hitting just one dinger all season. It wasn’t enough to distract us from his hideous troll-man face. It also wasn’t enough to distract us from painful memories of his bloated brother, Bengie, huffing and stumbling around the basepaths in the Rogers Centre like Louie Anderson on horse tranquilizers.
3. MARK DE ROSA – Hurk: “Dude, you’re going to have to write about De Rosa, because I don’t know anything about him.”
That pretty much sums up Mark De Rosa. He belongs on Major League baseball benches. He should be an occasional pinch hitter who comes up with the odd hit. He should be that guy you release to free agents in MLB 2K7 when you have to make room for your created guy on the Cubs’ roster.
He shouldn’t be (a) getting enough playing time to have five at bats in a game and (b) going five for five with four RBI.
Mark, stop it.
AND ONE GUY WHO PLAYS “HANGIN’ WITH MR. COOPER” TO JOHAN SANTANA’S “CHAPELLE’S SHOW”: CHUCK JAMES – The Braves hurler played soup kitchen volunteer last night, serving up four muffins to the Giants. Worse yet, he won’t let his stupid “I’m Chuck James, bitch!” joke die. Yes, Chuck. We get it. Your name sounds like Rick James’ name. “Chuck” and “Rick” both end in “ck.” There was a funny skit on Chapelle’s Show about Rick James, during which Rick James uttered the sentence “I’m Rick James, bitch!” Boy, are you clever. We want to date you. But did you have to get the slogan on a T-shirt too? Jesus.
1. PETE LAFOREST – San Diego’s Canadian catcher was called up for the injured Michael Barrett. Thanks to our Canadian inferiority complex, Laforest was making this list even if he went 0/5 and sexually assaulted a batboy after grounding into his third double play. Pete helped us out by notching three hits and a two-run homer in an 11-9 win. He and fellow Canadian Jeff Francis, a Rockies pitcher, celebrated by shotgunning a six-pack of Molson, going hunting, and sexually assaulting a batboy.
2. YADIER MOLINA – Yadier went three for three with a pair of homers after hitting just one dinger all season. It wasn’t enough to distract us from his hideous troll-man face. It also wasn’t enough to distract us from painful memories of his bloated brother, Bengie, huffing and stumbling around the basepaths in the Rogers Centre like Louie Anderson on horse tranquilizers.
3. MARK DE ROSA – Hurk: “Dude, you’re going to have to write about De Rosa, because I don’t know anything about him.”
That pretty much sums up Mark De Rosa. He belongs on Major League baseball benches. He should be an occasional pinch hitter who comes up with the odd hit. He should be that guy you release to free agents in MLB 2K7 when you have to make room for your created guy on the Cubs’ roster.
He shouldn’t be (a) getting enough playing time to have five at bats in a game and (b) going five for five with four RBI.
Mark, stop it.
AND ONE GUY WHO PLAYS “HANGIN’ WITH MR. COOPER” TO JOHAN SANTANA’S “CHAPELLE’S SHOW”: CHUCK JAMES – The Braves hurler played soup kitchen volunteer last night, serving up four muffins to the Giants. Worse yet, he won’t let his stupid “I’m Chuck James, bitch!” joke die. Yes, Chuck. We get it. Your name sounds like Rick James’ name. “Chuck” and “Rick” both end in “ck.” There was a funny skit on Chapelle’s Show about Rick James, during which Rick James uttered the sentence “I’m Rick James, bitch!” Boy, are you clever. We want to date you. But did you have to get the slogan on a T-shirt too? Jesus.
Three Stars (and one guy who must've downed a glass of Ex Lax, because he totally lost his shit): Torii the motivator
Last night's studs:
TORII HUNTER -- yeah, he led the Twins to a 6-1 win and smacked a ninth-inning grand slam yesterday, but he mainly earns points for his bizarre motivation tactics. After Minny started its road trip 1-6, Hunter told his teammates, manager and himself, "You stink." The Twinkies have responded with two straight wins. So that's why daddy called mommy a worthless whore who's never worked a day in her life. He was motivating her. We love you, dad.
DAVID BECKHAM -- we have to admit he impressed us last night. In his first significant action of the MLS regular season, Becks scored on a free kick and set up another goal as the Galaxy won 2-0. Does the performance prove his dominance, or how unbelievably crappy MLS is?
RYAN JORGENSEN -- yeah, Russell Martin hit two bombs last night, but we have to give love to a guy who goes yard in his first big league at-bat. Atta boy, Ryan! Last night was the first and best moment of a mediocre career in which you'll hit .238, snort some coke off Alyssa Milano's tits and fade into obscurity.
AND ONE GUY WHO MUST'VE DOWNED A GLASS OF EX LAX, BECAUSE HE TOTALLY LOST HIS SHIT: JOSE OFFERMAN -- somebody's been watching the end of Casino over and over with Delmon Young snuggled up on the couch. What the fuck, Jose? The former major leaguer -- and current Long Island Duck...ouch -- went apeshit in a minor league game yesterday after getting beaned, striking two guys with his bat. We're sorry you're crappy now, Jose, and that you were never even that good to begin with, but control yourself. Maybe this was his sick, twisted audition for The Douchmeter.
TORII HUNTER -- yeah, he led the Twins to a 6-1 win and smacked a ninth-inning grand slam yesterday, but he mainly earns points for his bizarre motivation tactics. After Minny started its road trip 1-6, Hunter told his teammates, manager and himself, "You stink." The Twinkies have responded with two straight wins. So that's why daddy called mommy a worthless whore who's never worked a day in her life. He was motivating her. We love you, dad.
DAVID BECKHAM -- we have to admit he impressed us last night. In his first significant action of the MLS regular season, Becks scored on a free kick and set up another goal as the Galaxy won 2-0. Does the performance prove his dominance, or how unbelievably crappy MLS is?
RYAN JORGENSEN -- yeah, Russell Martin hit two bombs last night, but we have to give love to a guy who goes yard in his first big league at-bat. Atta boy, Ryan! Last night was the first and best moment of a mediocre career in which you'll hit .238, snort some coke off Alyssa Milano's tits and fade into obscurity.
AND ONE GUY WHO MUST'VE DOWNED A GLASS OF EX LAX, BECAUSE HE TOTALLY LOST HIS SHIT: JOSE OFFERMAN -- somebody's been watching the end of Casino over and over with Delmon Young snuggled up on the couch. What the fuck, Jose? The former major leaguer -- and current Long Island Duck...ouch -- went apeshit in a minor league game yesterday after getting beaned, striking two guys with his bat. We're sorry you're crappy now, Jose, and that you were never even that good to begin with, but control yourself. Maybe this was his sick, twisted audition for The Douchmeter.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Three Stars (and guys who aren't really to blame but we'll blame them anyway)
Last night’s studs:
1. BOBBY COX -- The Atlanta Braves manager set an all-time record for flipping his shit. Cox was tossed after arguing a called third strike against San Fran last night, running his career ejection total to 132. Don’t you wish there was an umpire around to give your dad the hook and have him removed from your home every time he flipped his shit? Then you wouldn’t have to explain all those bruises to your friends!
2. JOHN McDONALD -- McDonald was his usual (defensive) spectacular self last night, including a leaping grab off Vladdy Gurrero to end the game. Nope, he doesn’t mash, but he’s serviceable at the plate and a difference-maker with a glove. Some people have argued one of the Jays’ biggest weak links and reasons for faltering this season is Johnny Mac. The problem with that argument is you are a moron and don’t know what you’re talking about.
3. THE BOSTON RED SOX -- The Sox produced a plethora of warm, fuzzy stories in a 2-1 win over Tampa Bay: Jon Lester gave up just two hits and one run over seven innings -- a happy ending, since it was his first start at Fenway since returning from cancer; Eric Gagne struck out the side in the ninth to pick up the win -- a happy ending, since the stalky Canadian redeemed himself after single-handily costing Boston a pair of wins this weekend; and Mike Lowell and Coco Crisp produced a homer and RBI single, respectively, in the bottom of the ninth -- a happy ending, since it’s funny to give Tampa Bay fans a glimmer of hope that they might actually win a game before snatching it away like 1996 world yo-yo champion Dale Myrberg.
AND GUYS WHO AREN’T REALLY TO BLAME BUT WE’LL BLAME THEM ANYWAY: ROOKIES -- The Detroit Tigers are reportedly about to reward prep pitcher Rick Porcello a $7.3-million deal -- even though he’s in high school and has never thrown a professional pitch. The NFL is suffering a similar problem, as first-round draft picks are being paid better than established veteran superstars. It’s like dropping off an envelope stuffed full of laundered cash in the garbage can out front of Tim Donaghy’s house before Game 3 of the Suns-Spurs series; where does the madness end?
1. BOBBY COX -- The Atlanta Braves manager set an all-time record for flipping his shit. Cox was tossed after arguing a called third strike against San Fran last night, running his career ejection total to 132. Don’t you wish there was an umpire around to give your dad the hook and have him removed from your home every time he flipped his shit? Then you wouldn’t have to explain all those bruises to your friends!
2. JOHN McDONALD -- McDonald was his usual (defensive) spectacular self last night, including a leaping grab off Vladdy Gurrero to end the game. Nope, he doesn’t mash, but he’s serviceable at the plate and a difference-maker with a glove. Some people have argued one of the Jays’ biggest weak links and reasons for faltering this season is Johnny Mac. The problem with that argument is you are a moron and don’t know what you’re talking about.
3. THE BOSTON RED SOX -- The Sox produced a plethora of warm, fuzzy stories in a 2-1 win over Tampa Bay: Jon Lester gave up just two hits and one run over seven innings -- a happy ending, since it was his first start at Fenway since returning from cancer; Eric Gagne struck out the side in the ninth to pick up the win -- a happy ending, since the stalky Canadian redeemed himself after single-handily costing Boston a pair of wins this weekend; and Mike Lowell and Coco Crisp produced a homer and RBI single, respectively, in the bottom of the ninth -- a happy ending, since it’s funny to give Tampa Bay fans a glimmer of hope that they might actually win a game before snatching it away like 1996 world yo-yo champion Dale Myrberg.
AND GUYS WHO AREN’T REALLY TO BLAME BUT WE’LL BLAME THEM ANYWAY: ROOKIES -- The Detroit Tigers are reportedly about to reward prep pitcher Rick Porcello a $7.3-million deal -- even though he’s in high school and has never thrown a professional pitch. The NFL is suffering a similar problem, as first-round draft picks are being paid better than established veteran superstars. It’s like dropping off an envelope stuffed full of laundered cash in the garbage can out front of Tim Donaghy’s house before Game 3 of the Suns-Spurs series; where does the madness end?
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Three Stars (and one guy who somehow got rewarded for being crappy): Klesko Kles-K.O.'s the Pirates
Last night's studs:
1. RYAN KLESKO -- Travolta did it with Pulp Fiction; Mickey Rourke did it with Sin City; now Klesko, with his grand salami last night, confirmed the theory that aging, bloated pieces of shit can come out of nowhere to revive their careers. Oh, who are we kidding? Klesko will be flipping burgers within a year. And flipping burger remnants out of a dumpster and into his bearded mouth in two years.
2. RICHIE SEXSON -- Walkoff homers are flat out cool. Especially coming from overpaid hackers hitting .210. The jumping/head-patting chaos at home plate thing is cool too. Though it must be hard to reach Sexson's head.
3. MIKE RICCI -- Sure, his NHL career was blander than a biochemist's wardrobe, but he deserves to be honoured after announcing his retirement yesterday. Why? Because he may be the ugliest man ever to strap on skates. Who will be remembered more in 10 years -- Zigmund Palffy, who retired prematurely after many unspectacular all-star seasons, or Ricci, whose greasy locks and bird nose make Gilbert Gottfried seem downright hot by comparison?
AND ONE GUY WHO SOMEHOW GOT REWARDED FOR BEING CRAPPY: MIKE WEIR. Ranking sixth in the world is a distant memory for the 2003 Masters champion, yet he was named to the President's Cup team yesterday ahead of fellow countryman Stephen Ames, who's been better than Weir in every way this year. Why'd Gary Player pick Weir? Was it because Ames melted down in a second straight major, or because Ames' horse face frightens and/or blinds anyone foolish enough to look at it?
1. RYAN KLESKO -- Travolta did it with Pulp Fiction; Mickey Rourke did it with Sin City; now Klesko, with his grand salami last night, confirmed the theory that aging, bloated pieces of shit can come out of nowhere to revive their careers. Oh, who are we kidding? Klesko will be flipping burgers within a year. And flipping burger remnants out of a dumpster and into his bearded mouth in two years.
2. RICHIE SEXSON -- Walkoff homers are flat out cool. Especially coming from overpaid hackers hitting .210. The jumping/head-patting chaos at home plate thing is cool too. Though it must be hard to reach Sexson's head.
3. MIKE RICCI -- Sure, his NHL career was blander than a biochemist's wardrobe, but he deserves to be honoured after announcing his retirement yesterday. Why? Because he may be the ugliest man ever to strap on skates. Who will be remembered more in 10 years -- Zigmund Palffy, who retired prematurely after many unspectacular all-star seasons, or Ricci, whose greasy locks and bird nose make Gilbert Gottfried seem downright hot by comparison?
AND ONE GUY WHO SOMEHOW GOT REWARDED FOR BEING CRAPPY: MIKE WEIR. Ranking sixth in the world is a distant memory for the 2003 Masters champion, yet he was named to the President's Cup team yesterday ahead of fellow countryman Stephen Ames, who's been better than Weir in every way this year. Why'd Gary Player pick Weir? Was it because Ames melted down in a second straight major, or because Ames' horse face frightens and/or blinds anyone foolish enough to look at it?
Monday, August 13, 2007
Three Stars (and one Canadian export giving Boston sports fans more tummy aches than mad cow): the unhittable Bobby Jenks
The weekend’s studs:
1. BOBBY JENKS – the hefty, trashy White Sox closer tied a Major League record yesterday when he retired his 41st consecutive batter. Impressive, though it’s just the latest of many amazing streaks for Jenks. Forty-one consecutive beef jerky strips without vomiting. Forty-one burps in four minutes. Forty-one F-bombs in one phone call with Grandma. Forty-one straight math tests with a grade below 41. Congrats on the latest accolade, Bobby.
2. TIGER WOODS – believe it or not, this is Eldrick’s first SOJP star selection. Congrats on the cherry poppage, Tiger. Make that 13 major championships for you. What’s that? Tiger’s an annoying, obvious Three Star pick? F-U-C-K Y-O-U. What’s your problem? Why do you hate superstars so much? You hated Gretzky and
3. MAGGLIO ORDONEZ -- Maggs ran wild, homering twice in an eight-run second inning to lead
AND ONE CANADIAN EXPORT GIVING
Friday, August 10, 2007
Three Stars (and one guy we thought was dead)
Last night’s studs:
1. RICK ANKIEL -- In the 2000 Disvision playoffs, young Cardinal pitcher Rick Ankiel melted down. In Game 1, he was removed in the third inning after throwing five wild pitches and walking four batters. In Game 2 of the NLCS, Ankiel was removed in the first inning after just 20 pitches -- five of which went past the catcher (two were officially deemed “wild”). He also appeared in Game 7 of that series. There, he faced four batters, walking two and throwing two more wild pitches.
Yesterday, the 26-year-old Ankiel returned to the majors -- as an outfielder. How did he respond? With a three-run homer in a 5-0 St. Louis win. We’re not even going to bother making a joke. In one of the most horrid, atrocious summers in the history of sports, this was one of the coolest things we’ve ever seen. Atta boy, Anky (we apologize to our readers for that moment, brought to you by Rick Reilly).
2. HANK AARON -- We joked about Bud Selig missing Barry Bonds’ 756th home run the other day, but Hammerin’ Hank was actually asleep when Bonds hit the historic dinger. Awesome.
3. JOHN DALY -- Daly shot a 65 in the first round of the PGA championship, good enough for second on the leader board, despite not playing a single practice round. It was too hot. Nope, he spent his time playing slots at the nearby Cherokee Casino. He did, however, drink Diet Coke and chain-smoke because Daly says caffeine plus nicotine equals protein. In case you didn’t know already, John Daly is awesome.
Note: We know we probably don’t have to say this, but we didn’t make any of that stuff up.
AND ONE GUY WHO WE THOUGHT WAS DEAD: PENNY HARDAWAY -- Ugh. Penny Hardaway, who hasn’t played since 2005, is making a comeback with Miami. This can’t be good. Who knows? Maybe he’ll light it up and they’ll get to make more of these.
1. RICK ANKIEL -- In the 2000 Disvision playoffs, young Cardinal pitcher Rick Ankiel melted down. In Game 1, he was removed in the third inning after throwing five wild pitches and walking four batters. In Game 2 of the NLCS, Ankiel was removed in the first inning after just 20 pitches -- five of which went past the catcher (two were officially deemed “wild”). He also appeared in Game 7 of that series. There, he faced four batters, walking two and throwing two more wild pitches.
Yesterday, the 26-year-old Ankiel returned to the majors -- as an outfielder. How did he respond? With a three-run homer in a 5-0 St. Louis win. We’re not even going to bother making a joke. In one of the most horrid, atrocious summers in the history of sports, this was one of the coolest things we’ve ever seen. Atta boy, Anky (we apologize to our readers for that moment, brought to you by Rick Reilly).
2. HANK AARON -- We joked about Bud Selig missing Barry Bonds’ 756th home run the other day, but Hammerin’ Hank was actually asleep when Bonds hit the historic dinger. Awesome.
3. JOHN DALY -- Daly shot a 65 in the first round of the PGA championship, good enough for second on the leader board, despite not playing a single practice round. It was too hot. Nope, he spent his time playing slots at the nearby Cherokee Casino. He did, however, drink Diet Coke and chain-smoke because Daly says caffeine plus nicotine equals protein. In case you didn’t know already, John Daly is awesome.
Note: We know we probably don’t have to say this, but we didn’t make any of that stuff up.
AND ONE GUY WHO WE THOUGHT WAS DEAD: PENNY HARDAWAY -- Ugh. Penny Hardaway, who hasn’t played since 2005, is making a comeback with Miami. This can’t be good. Who knows? Maybe he’ll light it up and they’ll get to make more of these.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Three Stars (and one guy who we're sure is enjoying his sour grapes)
Last night’s studs:
1. AARON HARANG AND KEN GRIFFEY JUNIOR -- Harang gave up four hits and struck out eight over eight innings, while Junior knocked in the game’s only run and made two huge defensive plays in a 1-0 win over L.A. Basically, Harang and Griffey beat the Dodgers single handily. Actually, we’re pretty sure each had an arm tied behind their backs. Really. It was nuts.
2. GARRETT ATKINS -- The Rockies pounded Milwaukee like a Star Wars junkie pounds his penis after meeting Mark Hamill. Atkins led the way with four hits and six RBIs, though plenty of other Rockies contributed to Colorado’s 23 hits and 19-4 win.
3. MATT CAIN -- Cain threw six innings of shut out ball and hit his first career home run in a 5-0 win over the Triple-A Toledo Mud Hens. Or maybe it was the Washington Nationals. Meh, whatever.
AND ONE GUY WHO WE’RE SURE IS ENJOYING HIS SOUR GRAPES: CHIPPER JONES -- Jones says if and when Alex Rodriguez approaches Barry Bonds’ home run record, he too will face questions about steroids. Jones’ words come after Jose Canseco made some veiled comments about A-Rod, saying he has “other stuff” on him and he “was not all he appeared to be.”
Look, guys. We’re tired of the whole steroid thing. We’re burnt out. Barry got his record, now can we just forget about the whole thing for the next 10 years? Besides, we know A-Rod probably sticks stuff in his ass, but we doubt it’s a needle.
1. AARON HARANG AND KEN GRIFFEY JUNIOR -- Harang gave up four hits and struck out eight over eight innings, while Junior knocked in the game’s only run and made two huge defensive plays in a 1-0 win over L.A. Basically, Harang and Griffey beat the Dodgers single handily. Actually, we’re pretty sure each had an arm tied behind their backs. Really. It was nuts.
2. GARRETT ATKINS -- The Rockies pounded Milwaukee like a Star Wars junkie pounds his penis after meeting Mark Hamill. Atkins led the way with four hits and six RBIs, though plenty of other Rockies contributed to Colorado’s 23 hits and 19-4 win.
3. MATT CAIN -- Cain threw six innings of shut out ball and hit his first career home run in a 5-0 win over the Triple-A Toledo Mud Hens. Or maybe it was the Washington Nationals. Meh, whatever.
AND ONE GUY WHO WE’RE SURE IS ENJOYING HIS SOUR GRAPES: CHIPPER JONES -- Jones says if and when Alex Rodriguez approaches Barry Bonds’ home run record, he too will face questions about steroids. Jones’ words come after Jose Canseco made some veiled comments about A-Rod, saying he has “other stuff” on him and he “was not all he appeared to be.”
Look, guys. We’re tired of the whole steroid thing. We’re burnt out. Barry got his record, now can we just forget about the whole thing for the next 10 years? Besides, we know A-Rod probably sticks stuff in his ass, but we doubt it’s a needle.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Three Stars (and one guy who better watch his back in dark alleys)
Last night’s studs:
1. MATT MURPHY – The Queens, NY resident won a bloody scrum for Barry Bonds’ 756th career homer. He and his friend were on a one-day layover in San Francisco and decided to attend the game (What? How were tickets even available?).
The ball is predicted to fetch just $400-500,000, far less than the $3.3 million Mark McGwire’s 70th home run ball went for. But, if Murphy is smart, he’ll spend the money to build a time machine, travel 30 years into the past, kill McGwire and Sammy Sosa – thus ensuring their 1998 home run chase never occurs and meaning all of Bonds’ current records don’t feel watered down because of the homer-happy era, thereby upping the value of his current memorabilia – and return to the present to catch No. 756 with enough time to catch the last run of Sportscentre. Foolproof.
2. JOSH TOWERS – The Blue Jays finally gave us something to get even remotely excited about and, inexplicably, the fun was delivered by Josh Towers. Towers got pumped in a 9-2 loss to the Yanks, but he did drill that prick Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod approached the mound pretending he was going to do something about it (slowly approached the mound, waiting for help to arrive) while Towers pointed to first base and told the douche to keep walking.
Both benches cleared twice and Roger Clemens and Joe Torre were ejected. No punches were thrown, but this is as close as we’re getting to playoff excitement this year, so savour this moment, Jays fans. We’re having commemorative T-shirts made up.
One other note: Towers said he became incensed a second time not because of A-Rod, but Yanks base coach Tony Pena. He told reporters Pena should keep his cocksmoker shut because he’s a quitter (Pena quit as manager of Kansas City in May 2005). We need to make sure Ricciardi doesn’t resign Towers now that he’s made it obvious he’ll never quit. He’ll just keep trotting out there, game after game, serving up homer after homer, until all of our hearts explode.
3. GARY MATTHEWS JR. – In a 10-4 win over the Red Sox, Matthews had three hits, including a double, a homer and four RBIs. He also leaped over a wall and robbed Coco Crisp of dinger.
Gary Matthews Jr. Fun Fact: As a child, the Angels outfielder was babysat by Barry Bonds. This is the same Gary Matthews Jr. that was linked to a human growth hormone scandal in February. Hmm…
AND ONE GUY WHO BETTER WATCH HIS BACK IN DARK ALLEYS: BARRY BONDS – Yesterday, the SOJP staff wrote a Barry Bonds piece (to be printed today) contingent on him not homering last night. Well, guess what? Bonds did what he does best: fuck everybody else.
Now, we’re gonna have to spend extra time today coming up with new content. At Spirit of Jake Plummer we don’t do many things well, but if there’s one thing we’re good at, it’s starting and blowing out of proportion petty grudges. And we swear revenge on you, Barry. Your family will cry a thousand tears when they find out what we’ve done to you. We will haunt your children’s dreams forever. The cheating we can take. You being a complete asshole we can take. Costing us an extra 30 minutes of work? Sleep with one eye open, Barry, your demise is imminent.
1. MATT MURPHY – The Queens, NY resident won a bloody scrum for Barry Bonds’ 756th career homer. He and his friend were on a one-day layover in San Francisco and decided to attend the game (What? How were tickets even available?).
The ball is predicted to fetch just $400-500,000, far less than the $3.3 million Mark McGwire’s 70th home run ball went for. But, if Murphy is smart, he’ll spend the money to build a time machine, travel 30 years into the past, kill McGwire and Sammy Sosa – thus ensuring their 1998 home run chase never occurs and meaning all of Bonds’ current records don’t feel watered down because of the homer-happy era, thereby upping the value of his current memorabilia – and return to the present to catch No. 756 with enough time to catch the last run of Sportscentre. Foolproof.
2. JOSH TOWERS – The Blue Jays finally gave us something to get even remotely excited about and, inexplicably, the fun was delivered by Josh Towers. Towers got pumped in a 9-2 loss to the Yanks, but he did drill that prick Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod approached the mound pretending he was going to do something about it (slowly approached the mound, waiting for help to arrive) while Towers pointed to first base and told the douche to keep walking.
Both benches cleared twice and Roger Clemens and Joe Torre were ejected. No punches were thrown, but this is as close as we’re getting to playoff excitement this year, so savour this moment, Jays fans. We’re having commemorative T-shirts made up.
One other note: Towers said he became incensed a second time not because of A-Rod, but Yanks base coach Tony Pena. He told reporters Pena should keep his cocksmoker shut because he’s a quitter (Pena quit as manager of Kansas City in May 2005). We need to make sure Ricciardi doesn’t resign Towers now that he’s made it obvious he’ll never quit. He’ll just keep trotting out there, game after game, serving up homer after homer, until all of our hearts explode.
3. GARY MATTHEWS JR. – In a 10-4 win over the Red Sox, Matthews had three hits, including a double, a homer and four RBIs. He also leaped over a wall and robbed Coco Crisp of dinger.
Gary Matthews Jr. Fun Fact: As a child, the Angels outfielder was babysat by Barry Bonds. This is the same Gary Matthews Jr. that was linked to a human growth hormone scandal in February. Hmm…
AND ONE GUY WHO BETTER WATCH HIS BACK IN DARK ALLEYS: BARRY BONDS – Yesterday, the SOJP staff wrote a Barry Bonds piece (to be printed today) contingent on him not homering last night. Well, guess what? Bonds did what he does best: fuck everybody else.
Now, we’re gonna have to spend extra time today coming up with new content. At Spirit of Jake Plummer we don’t do many things well, but if there’s one thing we’re good at, it’s starting and blowing out of proportion petty grudges. And we swear revenge on you, Barry. Your family will cry a thousand tears when they find out what we’ve done to you. We will haunt your children’s dreams forever. The cheating we can take. You being a complete asshole we can take. Costing us an extra 30 minutes of work? Sleep with one eye open, Barry, your demise is imminent.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Three Stars (and one guy who should have taken the weekend off, flown back to Muskoka and gotten hammered)
Last night's studs:
1. PAUL BYRD –Cleveland ’s Paul Byrd tossed a four-hit, complete game shutout to beat Minnesota
2.DETROIT TIGER FANS – Detroit , losers of five straight, snapped the streak with a four-run seventh inning against Tampa Bay Tampa Bay
3. THE FIFTH-INNING ST. LOUIS CARDINALS – The Cards tied an MLB record after lacing 10 consecutive hits in the fifth-inning. The 10-run frame included a pair of hits by pitcher Brian Looper and homers by Scott Rolen and Ryan Ludwick. The win pushes their record to a woefully underwhelming 51-58. We’d like to use this as an opportunity to reflect on the 2006 St. Louis Cardinals. Remember when they became arguably the worst World Series winner in Major League history? That was fun. Now let us never speak of it again.
AND ONE GUY WHO SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE WEEKEND OFF, FLOWN BACK TO MUSKOKA AND GOTTEN HAMMERED: JUSTIN MORNEAU – We hate coming down on the Canadian slugger, but he’s mired in an 0-17 slump that’s having a ripple effect on the rest of the lineup. Minny’s No. 4-6 hitters went 1-10 yesterday in a 4-0 loss toCleveland
1. PAUL BYRD –
2.
3. THE FIFTH-INNING ST. LOUIS CARDINALS – The Cards tied an MLB record after lacing 10 consecutive hits in the fifth-inning. The 10-run frame included a pair of hits by pitcher Brian Looper and homers by Scott Rolen and Ryan Ludwick. The win pushes their record to a woefully underwhelming 51-58. We’d like to use this as an opportunity to reflect on the 2006 St. Louis Cardinals. Remember when they became arguably the worst World Series winner in Major League history? That was fun. Now let us never speak of it again.
AND ONE GUY WHO SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE WEEKEND OFF, FLOWN BACK TO MUSKOKA AND GOTTEN HAMMERED: JUSTIN MORNEAU – We hate coming down on the Canadian slugger, but he’s mired in an 0-17 slump that’s having a ripple effect on the rest of the lineup. Minny’s No. 4-6 hitters went 1-10 yesterday in a 4-0 loss to
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Three Stars (and one team that should grab a beer and chill out)
Last night’s studs:
1. JASON JENNINGS – Yes, this is the same Jason Jennings that gave up 11 runs in two thirds of an inning and earned a spot as a “dud” on Monday. Jennings swatted a two-out, pinch-hit RBI single to give Houston a 12-11 win over Atlanta. From SOJP dud to SOJP stud in a matter of days? We smell a heart-warming Disney flick starring Shia LeBeouf as Jennings and Rip Torn as the mean coach who’s hard on Jennings because he knows how much potential he has.
2. VLADDY GUERRERO – Stalled for a whopping 30 games, Big Bad Vlad broke the longest home run drought of his career with two homers in a 6-4 win over Oakland. After mashing his first tater, his teammates gave him the silent treatment in the dugout to tease the slugger. We assume they gave him oral sex after the second.
3. EVANDER HOLYFIELD – The former heavyweight champion will get another title shot, as he’s been announced as a replacement for Ruslan Chagaev in a bout against Sultan Ibragimov (Listen to those names! It’s a golden age for boxing!). In his comeback, Holyfield is seeking his record fifth heavyweight championship, and it’s kind of cool because A) he’s 45 years old, and B) it gives us an excuse to show this (skip to 1:06 of the clip).
AND ONE TEAM THAT SHOULD GRAB A BEER AND CHILL OUT: THE MILWAUKEE BREWERS – Brew Crew catcher Johnny Estrada and manager Ned Yost nearly came to blows during a 12-4 loss to the Mets. The pair got into a classic “heated exchange” in the tunnel leading from the dugout to the clubhouse, eventually needing to be separated by teammates and coaches. Isn’t this supposed to be the young Milwaukee team that is high on life, each other and baseball? Perhaps trouble is – brewing! (zing)
“It’s our business,” says Prince Fielder. So is staying up till four in the morning watching Starsky and Hutch reruns while polishing off an economy-sized jar of mayonnaise, Prince, but we’d still like to hear you admit you have a problem.
Three Stars (and one man who may or may not have needed a performance-enhancing drug to accomplish what many women and children can): Tex delivers
Last night's studs:
1. MARK TEIXEIRA -- He went yard in his first game as a Brave and got a curtain call. Is it just us, or are curtain calls a dime a dozen these days? They used to mean something -- they belonged only to McGwire and Sosa 10 years ago. Now they're as common as the wave. Do you think snobby corporate fans in the good seats will start boycotting the curtain call because they don't want to stand up and clap?
2. A.J. BURNETT -- He threw a four-inning simulated game yesterday...and his elbow didn't disintegrate! That $55-million contract is paying for itself!
3. JORGE POSADA -- The little rat deserves some respect. Baseball brass claimed he was on the decline heading into this season, but he keeps hammering the ball. Two homers last night brought his weekly total to three and his average remains above .340. So Posada gets rewarded for pissing on his hands, yet "special" children get ridiculed for it. What a world.
AND ONE MAN WHO MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE NEEDED A PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUG TO ACCOMPLISH WHAT MANY WOMEN AND CHILDREN CAN: ALESSANDRO PISSILLI. What do Michelle Wie and that 11-year-old loser kid who collects beetles and gets dropped off at golf camp by his neglectful parents for the entire day have in common? They can both crush a golf ball. They can reach some par fives in two.
So why the hell would Pissilli, an Italian golfer, feel the need to use 'roids? Being a jacked monster doesn't help in a sport that's more about technique than anything (read: David Duval). He tested positive to a banned drug that treats the prostate, stops hair loss and allegedly masks steroids. You disgust us, Pissilli. How dare you hide your comb-over and your bulging, swollen prostate that makes you pee every half hour?
1. MARK TEIXEIRA -- He went yard in his first game as a Brave and got a curtain call. Is it just us, or are curtain calls a dime a dozen these days? They used to mean something -- they belonged only to McGwire and Sosa 10 years ago. Now they're as common as the wave. Do you think snobby corporate fans in the good seats will start boycotting the curtain call because they don't want to stand up and clap?
2. A.J. BURNETT -- He threw a four-inning simulated game yesterday...and his elbow didn't disintegrate! That $55-million contract is paying for itself!
3. JORGE POSADA -- The little rat deserves some respect. Baseball brass claimed he was on the decline heading into this season, but he keeps hammering the ball. Two homers last night brought his weekly total to three and his average remains above .340. So Posada gets rewarded for pissing on his hands, yet "special" children get ridiculed for it. What a world.
AND ONE MAN WHO MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE NEEDED A PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUG TO ACCOMPLISH WHAT MANY WOMEN AND CHILDREN CAN: ALESSANDRO PISSILLI. What do Michelle Wie and that 11-year-old loser kid who collects beetles and gets dropped off at golf camp by his neglectful parents for the entire day have in common? They can both crush a golf ball. They can reach some par fives in two.
So why the hell would Pissilli, an Italian golfer, feel the need to use 'roids? Being a jacked monster doesn't help in a sport that's more about technique than anything (read: David Duval). He tested positive to a banned drug that treats the prostate, stops hair loss and allegedly masks steroids. You disgust us, Pissilli. How dare you hide your comb-over and your bulging, swollen prostate that makes you pee every half hour?
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Three Stars (and three legends who just aren't being legendary enough these days and are really starting to annoy us): Bronx bombs away!
Last night's studs:
1. THE BRONX BOMBERS -- are they scary these days or what? The Yanks smashed eight homers yesterday. And we're not talking about those crappy inside-the-park homers you got when you played your dad in Ken Griffey Baseball on Super Nintendo and he didn't know how to field and ran his outfielder into the right field wall and let you turn singles into round-trippers. We're talking moonshots. We wouldn't bet against them snaking the Wild Card.
2. THE CELTICS AND TIMBERWOLVES -- now here's a good trade. We admittedly ripped Danny Ainge a few months back for his desperate Ray Allen deal, but we have to give him props for going the whole nine yards now. Sure, he absolutely gutted his team's young core, but who cares? With Allen, Paul Pierce and now KG, the Celts will compete every night. Who knows what they'll do this year?
The T-Wolves should feel great about their return too, which included Al Jefferson, Gerald "Dunk Contest" Green and a stable of vets and picks. Who knows? Maybe we'll be talking about a T-Wolves dynasty in five years, saying "Man, do you realize they got all the main pieces of this team back in the Garnett trade?" Reminds us of the Lindros-to-Philly deal that eventually won the Nordiques, er, Avalanche, the Stanley Cup.
3. KELLY JOHNSON -- so you're a male named Kelly. That sucks. How do you escape ridicule? Go four for four at the dish and smash two bombs in one night. (Presumably) have intercourse with two or more chicks at the same time. Show everyone you're a big, strong man. He must've been watching Shelley Duncan highlights last week.
AND THREE LEGENDS WHO JUST AREN'T BEING LEGENDARY ENOUGH THESE DAYS AND ARE REALLY STARTING TO ANNOY US: BARRY BONDS, TOM GLAVINE AND ALEX RODRIGUEZ -- Hurry up already, guys. Hit your milestones. If we hear or read one more "could this be baseball's ultimate, magical supercalifragilisticexpialidicious night of history?" comment, we'll shoot ourselves. No, we'll spend a day with Mimi from Drew Carey. And kiss her private parts.
1. THE BRONX BOMBERS -- are they scary these days or what? The Yanks smashed eight homers yesterday. And we're not talking about those crappy inside-the-park homers you got when you played your dad in Ken Griffey Baseball on Super Nintendo and he didn't know how to field and ran his outfielder into the right field wall and let you turn singles into round-trippers. We're talking moonshots. We wouldn't bet against them snaking the Wild Card.
2. THE CELTICS AND TIMBERWOLVES -- now here's a good trade. We admittedly ripped Danny Ainge a few months back for his desperate Ray Allen deal, but we have to give him props for going the whole nine yards now. Sure, he absolutely gutted his team's young core, but who cares? With Allen, Paul Pierce and now KG, the Celts will compete every night. Who knows what they'll do this year?
The T-Wolves should feel great about their return too, which included Al Jefferson, Gerald "Dunk Contest" Green and a stable of vets and picks. Who knows? Maybe we'll be talking about a T-Wolves dynasty in five years, saying "Man, do you realize they got all the main pieces of this team back in the Garnett trade?" Reminds us of the Lindros-to-Philly deal that eventually won the Nordiques, er, Avalanche, the Stanley Cup.
3. KELLY JOHNSON -- so you're a male named Kelly. That sucks. How do you escape ridicule? Go four for four at the dish and smash two bombs in one night. (Presumably) have intercourse with two or more chicks at the same time. Show everyone you're a big, strong man. He must've been watching Shelley Duncan highlights last week.
AND THREE LEGENDS WHO JUST AREN'T BEING LEGENDARY ENOUGH THESE DAYS AND ARE REALLY STARTING TO ANNOY US: BARRY BONDS, TOM GLAVINE AND ALEX RODRIGUEZ -- Hurry up already, guys. Hit your milestones. If we hear or read one more "could this be baseball's ultimate, magical supercalifragilisticexpialidicious night of history?" comment, we'll shoot ourselves. No, we'll spend a day with Mimi from Drew Carey. And kiss her private parts.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Three Stars (and one manager who's as useful as an electric razor on Charlie Villanueva): Goodbye, Bill
Last night's studs:
1. BILL WALSH -- West coast! WEST COAST! WHAT?! WHAT?! YEEE. WEST COAST 'TIL YOU DIE, MOTHA FUCKA. (We'll miss you, Bill.)
2. CARL CRAWFORD -- Must be nice to play at his level. "Sorry guys, can't play against the Jays tonight. My wrist hurts too much. What's that? You need me to pinch run in the bottom of the ninth? Ok. Hey, I tied the game! What's that? Now you want me to swing a bat in the 11th? OK, I'll tough it out. Hey, would ya look at that? A walkoff homer."
3. TEXAS RANGERS MANAGEMENT -- at first glance, the Teixeira trade seemed crappy. Why trade a young, marquis bat like Teixeira for, well, anything? Especially since he isn't a free agent until the end of 2008? But the Rangers know that (a) they're shit and (b) Teixeira knows their shit and won't re-sign, so why not parlay him into big prospect Jarod Saltalamacchia, a switch hitter who looks like the next Jorge Posada, and several young prospects with big upside? Good for them.
AND ONE MANAGER WHO'S AS USEFUL AS AN ELECTRIC RAZOR ON CHARLIE VILLANUEVA: JOHN GIBBONS. Every once in a while Gibbons gives a clinic on "how not to manage a baseball team," and last night was one of those times. He leaves proven relievers Jason Frasor and Brandon League on the bench in favour of rookie Brian Wolfe in the 10th last night. We'll let it slide. But to send Wolfe back out for the 11th? Of course he got lit up.
1. BILL WALSH -- West coast! WEST COAST! WHAT?! WHAT?! YEEE. WEST COAST 'TIL YOU DIE, MOTHA FUCKA. (We'll miss you, Bill.)
2. CARL CRAWFORD -- Must be nice to play at his level. "Sorry guys, can't play against the Jays tonight. My wrist hurts too much. What's that? You need me to pinch run in the bottom of the ninth? Ok. Hey, I tied the game! What's that? Now you want me to swing a bat in the 11th? OK, I'll tough it out. Hey, would ya look at that? A walkoff homer."
3. TEXAS RANGERS MANAGEMENT -- at first glance, the Teixeira trade seemed crappy. Why trade a young, marquis bat like Teixeira for, well, anything? Especially since he isn't a free agent until the end of 2008? But the Rangers know that (a) they're shit and (b) Teixeira knows their shit and won't re-sign, so why not parlay him into big prospect Jarod Saltalamacchia, a switch hitter who looks like the next Jorge Posada, and several young prospects with big upside? Good for them.
AND ONE MANAGER WHO'S AS USEFUL AS AN ELECTRIC RAZOR ON CHARLIE VILLANUEVA: JOHN GIBBONS. Every once in a while Gibbons gives a clinic on "how not to manage a baseball team," and last night was one of those times. He leaves proven relievers Jason Frasor and Brandon League on the bench in favour of rookie Brian Wolfe in the 10th last night. We'll let it slide. But to send Wolfe back out for the 11th? Of course he got lit up.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Three Stars (and one guy who could've been replaced by a tee-ball tee yesterday with the same results. No, better results): Cal and Tony join the Hall
The weekend's studs:
1. CAL RIPKEN JR. AND TONY GWYNN -- If you had to entrust your children to two ballplayers during an emergency, you couldn't find two better picks than these class acts. Cramming them in the Hall-of-Fame was a slam-dunk choice. Side note: imagine entrusting, say, A.J. Pierzynski with your kids? "What? What do you want from me? Your fuckin' kid was crying when I was trying to watch Texas Chain Saw Massacre, so I hit him."
2. MILT STEGALL -- Eek, another CFL pick! Hopefully this is the last for a while. But we have to give props to Winnipeg wideout Stegall, who set the all-time league touchdown mark Friday. So what if half the corners he beat to the endzone over the years were slower than NFL linebackers? 139 career TDs is impressive.
3. ALBERTO CONTADOR -- Ugh. He won the Tour de France. It's still kind of a big deal, right? So we should honour him? Feels like we're at some corporate function for the evil CEO's birthday. Everyone hates him and knows he's a heartless, phoney bastard, yet we're forced to kiss his ass and sing to him through gritted teeth.
AND ONE GUY WHO COULD'VE BEEN REPLACED BY A TEE-BALL TEE YESTERDAY WITH THE SAME RESULTS. NO, BETTER RESULTS: JASON JENNINGS. 11 earned runs in two thirds of an inning? What? How? How could Astros manager Phil Garner leave him in that long? We can only assume Garner found out Jennings banged his wife and left him in for revenge.
Says Hurk: "It's like he didn't realize he was in a major league game. Was he asleep on the mound? Maybe it wasn't Jason Jennings. Maybe he has a lousy athlete twin brother, and they did one of those 'let's switch as a joke' things twins do."
1. CAL RIPKEN JR. AND TONY GWYNN -- If you had to entrust your children to two ballplayers during an emergency, you couldn't find two better picks than these class acts. Cramming them in the Hall-of-Fame was a slam-dunk choice. Side note: imagine entrusting, say, A.J. Pierzynski with your kids? "What? What do you want from me? Your fuckin' kid was crying when I was trying to watch Texas Chain Saw Massacre, so I hit him."
2. MILT STEGALL -- Eek, another CFL pick! Hopefully this is the last for a while. But we have to give props to Winnipeg wideout Stegall, who set the all-time league touchdown mark Friday. So what if half the corners he beat to the endzone over the years were slower than NFL linebackers? 139 career TDs is impressive.
3. ALBERTO CONTADOR -- Ugh. He won the Tour de France. It's still kind of a big deal, right? So we should honour him? Feels like we're at some corporate function for the evil CEO's birthday. Everyone hates him and knows he's a heartless, phoney bastard, yet we're forced to kiss his ass and sing to him through gritted teeth.
AND ONE GUY WHO COULD'VE BEEN REPLACED BY A TEE-BALL TEE YESTERDAY WITH THE SAME RESULTS. NO, BETTER RESULTS: JASON JENNINGS. 11 earned runs in two thirds of an inning? What? How? How could Astros manager Phil Garner leave him in that long? We can only assume Garner found out Jennings banged his wife and left him in for revenge.
Says Hurk: "It's like he didn't realize he was in a major league game. Was he asleep on the mound? Maybe it wasn't Jason Jennings. Maybe he has a lousy athlete twin brother, and they did one of those 'let's switch as a joke' things twins do."
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Three Stars (and one pitcher who's getting lit up like the Griswolds' house at Christmas these days): Man Rampage
Last night's studs:
1. MANNY RAMIREZ -- He mashed two more bombs last night. In 15 games since the all-star break, he's hitting .415 with six homers and 19 RBI. Better yet, he's pimping his blasts as much as ever. It's tough to top Manny's trademark "Fuck you, pitcher" when he stares at the ground as soon as the ball touches the bat, knowing it's gone, and walks the first few steps of his homer trot like he just rolled out of bed at 4 p.m. after an all-night bender.
2. LINDSAY LOHAN -- A British tabloid recently claimed Courtney Love-in-training bet her friends a crapload of money that she can get David Beckham to sleep with her by December. Please let this be true. Stay away, David. We've all fantasized about snorting coke off Lindsay Lohan's, ahem, table, but it ain't worth it. Your ankle's swollen already; if you cave, your penis will meet the same fate, but with puss and burning during urination to boot.
3. BRIAN BRATTON -- Choosing CFL players for the Three Stars sucks, we know, but we should reward big plays. Cementing a win for Montreal with 79-yard punt return TD late in the fourth quarter is clutch. If your son makes a big catch or tackle in his pee-wee game, you tell the other sales guys at the water cooler on Monday, right? So why not give props to the CFL?
AND ONE PITCHER WHO'S GETTING LIT UP LIKE THE GRISWOLD'S HOUSE AT CHRISTMAS THESE DAYS: DAVID WELLS -- After the Astros -- the Astros! -- took him deep three times last night, he's now allowed six long flys in his last two starts. Both those starts came at Petco Park, the best pitcher's park in baseball. Translation: It's over, David. Hang 'em up and drink yourself into oblivion. Do you think he remembers last night's game? Or does he wake up, vomit, lament his "horrible dream," then get ready to pitch, not knowing why his arm hurts?
1. MANNY RAMIREZ -- He mashed two more bombs last night. In 15 games since the all-star break, he's hitting .415 with six homers and 19 RBI. Better yet, he's pimping his blasts as much as ever. It's tough to top Manny's trademark "Fuck you, pitcher" when he stares at the ground as soon as the ball touches the bat, knowing it's gone, and walks the first few steps of his homer trot like he just rolled out of bed at 4 p.m. after an all-night bender.
2. LINDSAY LOHAN -- A British tabloid recently claimed Courtney Love-in-training bet her friends a crapload of money that she can get David Beckham to sleep with her by December. Please let this be true. Stay away, David. We've all fantasized about snorting coke off Lindsay Lohan's, ahem, table, but it ain't worth it. Your ankle's swollen already; if you cave, your penis will meet the same fate, but with puss and burning during urination to boot.
3. BRIAN BRATTON -- Choosing CFL players for the Three Stars sucks, we know, but we should reward big plays. Cementing a win for Montreal with 79-yard punt return TD late in the fourth quarter is clutch. If your son makes a big catch or tackle in his pee-wee game, you tell the other sales guys at the water cooler on Monday, right? So why not give props to the CFL?
AND ONE PITCHER WHO'S GETTING LIT UP LIKE THE GRISWOLD'S HOUSE AT CHRISTMAS THESE DAYS: DAVID WELLS -- After the Astros -- the Astros! -- took him deep three times last night, he's now allowed six long flys in his last two starts. Both those starts came at Petco Park, the best pitcher's park in baseball. Translation: It's over, David. Hang 'em up and drink yourself into oblivion. Do you think he remembers last night's game? Or does he wake up, vomit, lament his "horrible dream," then get ready to pitch, not knowing why his arm hurts?
Three Stars (and one piece of donkey shit masquerading as a sporting event): our favourite Martin calls it a career
Last night's studs:
AND ONE PIECE OF DONKEY SHIT MASQUERADING AS A SPORTING EVENT: THE TOUR DEFRANCE France
1. CURTIS MARTIN -- The long-time New York Jet is calling it quits after an amazing, relatively under-the-radar career. Martin should be remembered not for his five Pro Bowls, 14,101 yards, or mental toughness that allowed him to play for Bill Parcells so long he could write a 500-page report documenting the Tuna’s breast development over the past decade. Rather, he should be remembered for how he carried himself on and off the field.
When asked to name some of the greatest backs in NFL history, few would immediately consider Martin, but his yardage ranks him fourth all-time on the rushing list. He never got into trouble and celebrated touchdowns by flipping the ball to the ref and heading for the bench. Finally, Curtis Martin is getting his due, forever immortalized with a star on Spirit of Jake Plummer.
2. RYAN RABURN – You just bought MLB 2K7 for PS3. You create your own guy, max out his rating, and park him on the Tigers. Then you mash 2 HR and 7 RBI in one game with him. Pretty cool, eh? That actually happened. Tigers rookie Raburn, who had roughly 40 big-league ABs before yesterday, mashed a pair of homers and knocked in seven. He had a sacrifice bunt in the first inning, then got the green light to put his 99 power rating and 99 contact rating to work. Note: Larkin hit 4 HR in an MLB 2K game with his dog yesterday. Eat that, Raburn.
3. THE SIXTH-INNING BLUE JAYS -- The Jays are doing what any self-respecting collection of jerks who don’t really care about winning would do: win just enough games in the second half to finish slightly above .500, giving the fans and ownership hope and ensuring people who aren’t even qualified to run your local Dairy Queen (hint: their names rhyme with A.D. Baccardi and Ron Hibbons), let alone a Major League baseball team, save their jobs for next season.
But hey, at least they’re doing it in style.
AND ONE PIECE OF DONKEY SHIT MASQUERADING AS A SPORTING EVENT: THE TOUR DE
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