Showing posts with label Reviews for Men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reviews for Men. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Reviews for Men: Finally, EA's NHL franchise scores again



NHL 08
EA Sports

Graphics: 10
Gameplay: 9
Options: 8
Season mode: 9
Multiplayer: 9
Difficulty: 7
Fun: 9
Overall: 8.7

Where would we be without EA Sports?

It’s the standard. Ever since John Madden slapped his name on a football game and trashy, trashy Sega released the glitchy but fun NHL Hockey in the early 1990s, our generation of sports-loving gamers has been tickled pink.

For the most part, EA built and sustained a tradition of excellence and made itself the measuring stick for pretty much all sports games. Think All-Pro Football holds a candle to Madden? Euwww.

But something went wrong with hockey over the last few years. The NHL franchise was as good as gold for about 10 seasons, offering easy controls and smooth, fast, yet fairly believable gameplay. Then everything went south. After NHL 2004, which many purists believe was the pinnacle of hockey gaming due to its realistic physics, EA seemingly gave up on hockey.

Was it the lockout? Did EA just pass the hockey programming onto Doug, the computer programming-school drop out from Santa Monica who spent most of his time playing Halo 2? The NHL franchise went totally arcade on us. Suddenly Hal Gill could make tape-to-tape, blueline-to-blueline lead passes and Maxim Afinogenov could toss Chris Pronger into the boards like a rag doll. If that high-flying, NBA Jam-esque hockey action wasn’t enough, there were the mini games, featuring the likes of “EA Sports free-for-all.” It was a glorified version of Hog, and admittedly it was kind of fun. Still, EA was looking frighteningly similar to the 2K franchise.

What the hell happened?

In a way, Gary Bettman happened. His push to make hockey more appealing south of the border spilled into the video game realm. Maybe a realistic hockey simulation bored the Yanks as much as the live version did.

Whatever the reasons behind the EA’s recent hockey shittiness were, we need not worry anymore. NHL 08 puts the NHL back in NHL…or….puts the….well, you get it. The game is friggin’ good. It’ll please the feces out of hockey purists but still packs enough “zap!” “pow!” arcad-y modes to stimulate the “I can’t see the puck” fake hockey fan contingent.

Keep in mind, I’m referring to the Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 versions. It’s an unwritten rule that when the newest of the new console starts releasing second and third editions of sports games, the programmers mail it in on the old console. So don’t be surprised if NHL 08 on PS2 is just NHL 07 with new rosters and another cheap analog stick gimmick like “New! EA Sports Call for the Pass Control.”

NHL 08’s graphics obviously don’t disappoint. The cut sequences are amazingly detailed; the camera tricks include pan shots and focus shifts so realistic you’d swear a real camera man was working the game. The in-game graphics are also silky smooth – especially with the tight angles for shootout mode – without treading into that “too smooth” territory that makes every guy fly around the screen as like a fairy (see: Madden 08). Not surprisingly, NHL 08 dominates its competition in player face recognition. Art imitates life; real hockey broadcasts give you more isolation shots than NFL broadcasts, and we can see players’ faces much easier, so NHL 08 players naturally look like the real deal.

The controller layout polarized NHL franchise fans last year; some liked to pass, shoot, deke and hit with the same analog stick and some hated it. Thankfully, the hybrid control lets you use classic mode – good old fashioned button mashing – and the new stick at the same time. You can use buttons to pass and shoot but deke with the right stick. Pretty cool, and it gives you unprecedented control of your player.

Complementing the improved controls is the best, most realistic gameplay in years. For one, speed burst is out. Daniel Briere will blow by people with his natural speed while Wade Belak will lumber about like a Brachiosaurus…and there’s nothing you (or the Leafs) can do about it. Hitting ain’t easy anymore. You can’t just touch any skater and send him sprawling across the screen; you have to line him up. And while runts like Martin St. Louis can still throw hits, they bump guys away from the puck without knocking them down.

The hitting really seems to divide the purists and new-agers. I, for one, am a purist; I walked uphill in the snow to my grandad’s cabin and played NHL ’94 between firewood-chopping sessions, so I think the new hitting is amazing. Others I’ve talked with say their only complaint is “it’s so hard to hit guys now.” Suck it up, babies. Go watch Mystery, Alaska and play Wayne Gretzky 3-D hockey.

One-timers are back. They’re no longer impossible to pull off a-la-NHL 07, though we haven’t returned to the “every one-timer goes in” age either. Why? Because the goaltending is actually good. Netminders are no longer dead to the world after making the first save or going down; they recover to slide across the crease and make big stops. Your first few games will be filled with “OHHHH” moments as goalies stop shots you expect to go in. You can still score on one-timers, but the play has to be well-executed.

Another thing EA finally got right: the power play. Gamers weren’t used to penalties actually hurting. Usually, a five-minute boarding major against you meant “Sweet. The clock slows down for five minutes. I’ll steal the puck from the D and score five shorthanded goals.” Now, because the game allows for real power-play puck movement, killing off penalties becomes important. Egads – the defencemen actually keep the puck in at the point! You can cycle the puck like never before in the corners and actually use the open ice to set up a cross-crease pass or one-timer from the point. Badass.

Fighting leaves a bit to be desired. You throw seemingly unlimited bombs back and forth and, while that does sound a lot like real hockey fighting, it isn’t. Instead, your guys stand there, bolted to the ice, popping each other in the face like Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots. It’s cool that you can angle the right stick to throw different types punches, like in EA Sports Fight Night, but overall the fighting just doesn’t work.

With the controls returning to their formerly easy-to-master mode, multiplayer rocks. You can pick up the controller layout and play high-quality hockey against a bud within minutes of cracking open the game. Co-op mode is cool, too, if you can handle your buddy constantly going offside, throwing the puck to the other team when he controls the goalie, and trying a nifty drop pass to you when he’s on a breakaway. Seriously, though, it’s really fun if you need a bigger challenge.

“Are the franchise mode and off-season mode good?” essentially means “Are they anything like the Madden franchise mode?” NHL’s dynasty mode still doesn’t measure up to Madden, but it’s getting closer. The salary cap matters, players mull over offers from multiple teams, and the scouting is neato – you can send your scouts to different countries during the season and have them peek at prospects in advance.

The minor-league system is also vastly improved, giving you full control over American Hockey League affiliates. You can play as your team’s affiliate, develop players on the farm or send Andrew Raycro – er, struggling guys down to hone their skills.

The NHL franchise doesn’t pride itself on difficulty; it never had an answer to All-Madden. But thanks to better goaltending, tougher hitting physics, and “AI learning,” which apparently makes the computer adapt to you if you keep trying the same old crap, the game is tough enough to give you your money’s worth.

Thanks, EA. You finally got off your asses and gave us the game we’ve been waiting for. Here’s hoping you don’t mail it in until Xbox 720 or PS4 comes out.

-- M.L.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Reviews for Men: Superbad


Superbad
Starring: Michael Cera, Jonah Hill
Directed by Greg Mottola
114 Minutes
R

Story: 8
Quotability: 9
Sex/Girls: 6
“LOL” moments: 9
Awkward scenarios:10
Non-cheesiness (cheesiness = bad, agreed?): 7
Characters: 8
Intelligence: 9
Rewatchability: 9
Overall: 8.3

Some comedies make us laugh and say “Man, I wish that was me at that age.” Superbad makes us laugh and say “Wow, that really was me at that age.”

We don’t care what you say: you weren’t a pimp at age 17. Neither were we. The “pimps” from high school aren’t writing or reading this review. Actually, they’ve probably started their slide into baldness, obesity, and child abuse by now.

The truth is we’ve all had our severely awkward moments at that age. Case in point:

LARKIN: I had a really good time tonight.

CHICK: Me too.

(Larkin moves in for kiss, chick turns away, they hug awkwardly)

LARKIN: This…this is good. I like this. I…I’m glad we did this.

(Larkin turns toward the stairs and points at a nearby box of macaroni and cheese)

LARKIN: Oh…Easy Mac.

True story, and it’s that same sense of horrible awkwardness and fear of rejection that makes Superbad, the latest instalment of the Apatow crew (Knocked Up, The 40-year-old Virgin), so believable and funny.

Superbad follows nerds Evan (Michael Cera, known to most as George Michael from Arrested Development) and Seth (Jonah Hill, whom you may remember as one of the deadbeat friends from Knocked Up) on the eve of the last party of their senior year. Their goal, surprise, surprise: get laid.

Simple, clichéd premise? Sure, but Superbad makes up for it with intelligent dialogue and hilarious, painful-to-watch predicaments as the pals try to score with their respective chicks. Superbad packs more “I’ve been there” moments than any teen flick since American Pie.

Ever run out of things to say to a girl, then turn to leave only to realize she’s heading in the same direction as you, so you’re forced to walk together and continue your already-dead conversation? That happens in Superbad, as do an endless number of cringeworthy scenarios, from getting caught drawing penises in class to a girl leaking her period onto someone’s leg.

Evan’s high voice and awkwardness and Seth’s vulgarity and Belushi-like physical comedy make a good tandem. But the character people will still talk about a few years from now is McLovin. You’ve probably heard about him already. Fogel, the boys’ uber-geeky friend, uses a fake ID under the name McLovin to buy booze. He meets up with a couple cops (one of whom is Seth Rogen, who co-wrote the film) and some crazy adventures begin.

The truth: McLovin is overrated. The gag’s a great idea and the name is hilarious, but Superbad milks the McLovin story too much. The movie is at its best when it follows Evan and Seth’s efforts to woo and bang two lovely ladies. Sure, there are cheesy moments and messages galore, but any good comedy should have poignant spots.

Superbad’s women are pretty sexy, and you do get to see them do sexy things, but it’s a teen movie, so don’t expect full frontal or anything. Wait, American Pie and Porky’s got away with it. What gives?

Superbad isn’t the perfect guy comedy. It’s cheesy in spots, predictable and lacking in the boob department. But most of the time it’s hilarious, awkward and as smart as any Hollywood teen flick around. It also has enough memorable lines that you’ll have to watch it again since you laughed over some of the jokes the first time.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Reviews for Men: Transformers



Do guys like movies?


It depends on what you consider a movie. A sweeping romance set in the Victorian era ending with the word “fin” before the credits roll ain’t worth a man’s time. Sex, drugs, explosions and one liners most certainly are. Sense and Sensibility bad, Pulp Fiction good.


Do guys like movie critics?


Not really. Most movie critics fellate Victorian era romances and slam big, loud action flicks. Pride and Prejudice good, Road House bad.


Clearly, we need a "guy movie" critic, and Spirit of Jake Plummer is up to the task.


We won’t rate films for their “importance,” “acting” or “historical accuracy.” We’ll rate 'em for how well they amp up the boobs, carnage and cheese.


With that, we launch our inaugural guy review with a doozie.


Transformers

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Jon Voight, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson

Directed by Michael Bay

144 minutes

PG-13


Story: 9

Explosions: 10

Violence: 8

One-liners: 8

Car Chases: 10

Sex/chicks: 4

Intangibles: 9

Rewatchability: 9

Overall: 8.4



Everything about Transformers is big. Big fan base, big robots, big hype, big budget.


Big letdown? Hell no.


Take the primary Transformers cartoon characters, place them in The Rock, update their physics to make them modern and realistic, add Steven Spielberg’s input to give them heart, and you have one of the best, most mind-blowing blockbusters this millennium.


Is Transformers perfect? No. Super cartoon/comic goobers will whine because Michael Bay deemed Frank Welker’s voice “too old” for modern Megatron and some strange Golemn-like Decepticon keeps popping up, making cutesy noises that sound like the Ewoks.


But considering how challenging it is to make a friggin’ live-action movie about giant robots tearing apart Earth in their war – and to make viewers actually care about those robots the entire two and a half hours – we’ll let those flaws slide.


Five minutes into Transformers, your jaw will drop as you realize “Oh shit. They’re actually going to do this right.” Michael Bay, Hollywood’s purest over-the-top cheese action director, pummels the screen with his trademark slo-mo pan shots and sunny backdrops as a Decepticon absolutely demolishes a U.S. army base to steal information.


The movie then splits into two halves, each of which is good for different reasons. The first half reeks of Spielberg. Teenager Sam Witwicky (perfectly cast Shia LaBeouf, who pulls off the cheesy, awkward role without making you hate him) buys his first car, a yellow Chevy Camaro which turns out to be – you guessed it – Bumblebee. The next hour is like E.T. and Jurassic Park, with lots of comedic moments as Sam gradually learns about the Autobots and why they’re on Earth while the government tries to figure out what the hell is attacking them.


The Sam/Bumblebee storyline is somewhat hokey, but it really works. You can’t help but chuckle as Sam tries to tell the cops that his car “stole itself.” Mikaela Barnes (Megan Fox), Sam’s love interest, provides solid eye candy as she runs from the Decepticons with him, sweating in her short skirt. Transformers is still a kid movie first, though, so don’t expect any nudity or even heavy petting.


So far, so good. Pretty tough to screw up the “learn about the origin” part of any supernatural adventure flick (see: any comic book movie, Ninja Turtles, etc.).


The second leg of Transformers is the true pleasant surprise. Trailers for the film have been highly secretive – showing very few Transformers and boatloads of humans – so many viewers will enter theatres expecting disappointment. Without giving too much away, let’s just say you’ll be satisfied. Plenty of your fave generation-one Transformers pop up, albeit modified for 2007.


Most importantly, Peter Cullen returns to voice Optimus Prime, giving the flick huge credibility. How can you not get sucked in as if you’re watching any old Transformers episode when the original Optimus Prime is talking?


Your eardrums will almost explode as the Autobots and Decepticons butt heads in the second half of Transformers to fight over the AllSpark, an energy cube from the Transformers’ home planet that gives them life. Humans, buildings, cars and anything else in sight get obliterated during the truly epic battle. Forget Star Wars or Pirates of the Carribean; these special effects set a new standard.


As long as you check your uber fact-checking nerd self at the door, Transformers will blow you away.


UPDATE: The Intern sent along this insightful documentary explaining Soundwave's absence from the film.