Monday, October 1, 2007

MLB Playoff Preview: Who's hot, who's not

Who likes baseball? We do, we do!

Who likes boobies? We do, we do!

Naturally, the only thing better than baseball or boobies is baseball and boobies combined. That's why we decided to saturate our Major League Baseball playoff predictions with fine ladies.

Every ballclub reminds us of a different chick. Thankfully for you, we're only talking about baseball's best, which means we've got nothing but hotties for you. No New York Mets, Pittsburgh Pirates or Toronto Blue Jays here.


The total package. Not too old, not too young. A bit of everything on the roster – phenomenal bullpen, toned legs, solid defense, beautiful smile, great baserunning skills, perky breasts. They’re also a deep squad, with bats like Reggie Willits and Juan Rivera used to coming off the bench and providing big hits. There’s too much talent on this team for the playoffs to be a brief fling. We get the feeling there’s more to Jessica Biel than her amazing bod – she looked smart wearing that blazer in Chuck and Larry – and we know there’s a hell of a lot more to the Angels than Vladdy’s bat.

BOSTON RED SOX: Angelina Jolie

Like Jolie, the Sox have the best roster on paper. Loaded bullpen, impressive starters, big-time hitters; loaded sexual energy, impressive lips, big-time rack. Still, both have limped around lately, with Boston blowing late-game leads and letting the Yankees back into the division race and Angelina struggling to keep her weight in triple digits and fighting with Brad Pitt. Each deserves respect and is arguably still the best in the business, but we can’t help but feel a complete meltdown is around the corner.


Year in and year out, they get it done. We keep looking for chinks in the armor, for wrinkles, but nothing seems to change. The Bronx Bombers mash the baseball like no one else, and Halle Berry is just as hot today as she was 10 years ago. But something has to give one of these years, right? The Yankees can’t lean on aging arms like Mussina, Pettitte and Rivera much longer, and one of these days that extra hot fudge sundae will go straight to Halle’s ass.

CLEVELAND INDIANS: Hayden Panettiere

Who knew they’d look so good so soon? The talent has always been there; Grady Sizemore, Victor Martinez and C.C. Sabbathia are bonafide stars – but we figured it would be a few more years before the Tribe really started turning heads. We also figured we’d need to wait a few more years before downloading hot Hayden Panettiere wallpaper for our desktops, but she, er, “developed” quicker than expected. Just like Fausto Carmona.

CHICAGO CUBS: Jennifer Aniston

Is this finally the year for America’s sweethearts? The Cubbies are baseball’s Jennifer Aniston. She’s the girl next door we all wanted to be with – hot but not in the same class as the Biels and Albas of the world. The Cubbies are the loveable team anyone would want to play for – they’re not weak in any area but aren’t the best in any either. As long as Aniston’s demented father – a.k.a. Lou Pinella – doesn’t get in the way, we could see some magic in the Windy City.


Brandon Webb is the man, but beyond that the D-Backs’ starting pitching is shallower than the latest Bachelor contestant. But hey, at least ’Zona can rely on its streaky bats, which hit .250 this year, second worst in the majors. Can you say overrated? People think Maria Sharapova is hot because she’s a high-profile athlete with little competition; put her on the street or next to some actual models and she’s average potatoes. Ditto for the D-Backs if you stuck them in the American League.


Though we can’t exactly quantify it, we find ourselves strangely attracted. On paper, neither is great, but each just seems to get it done. Colorado’s late, unexpected playoff push could even be likened to Jenna’s appearance in Blades of Glory: What? Colorado? Making a playoff run? With no pitching? What? Jenna Fischer? Wearing lingerie? With that body? Both were/are oddly appealing thoughts. And if Jenna and the lingerie worked out, why can’t a Rockies playoff run?


The similarities run much deeper than the alliterative names; though exciting and sexy, both are significantly flawed. The Phillies can slug with anyone, but with their disastrous pitching their postseason won’t last long. Don’t get us wrong – we love the Phils’ feel-good, comeback story, just like we’d love to party it up/have coked-out sex with Lindsay Lohan in a room with a mirrored ceiling. But c’mon, we’re talking about Philadelphia and Lindsay Lohan. Is there any way this thing ends well?

Just missed the cut (thanks to Matt Holliday's phoney home plate slide)...


Yawn. Yes, the Padres are a good baseball team. Yes, their pitching is dominant, from their starters, to their setup men, to stopper Trevor Hoffman. Yes, Anne Hattaway’s face is no catcher’s mit, and she’d probably do a great job organizing your bookshelves and DVD collection, but would it kill her to slip into a lacey teddy and nibble on our ear once in a while (or shoot a topless scene – we’re not picky)? Maybe the Padres could take a hint and hit some bombs for a change. Regardless, they’ll be tough to beat.

SOJP’s playoff predictions


Los Angeles Biels vs. Boston Jolies: in an epic tilt between juggernauts, the slightly younger, slightly fitter Biel overpowers Angelina. Shame they had to meet in the first round.

New York Berrys vs. Cleveland Panettieres: Halle’s just too experienced. She’ll school the tarty Panettiere.

Chicago Anistons vs. Arizona Sharapovas: everyone will pick the “powerhouse” Sharapova, but fuck her and her man shoulders. Our girl Jennifer will fight dirty and grind out the upset.

Colorado Fischers vs. Philadelphia Lohans: Sorry, Jenna. The MLB playoffs are no place for good girls. We know the Phillies are trash, but they’re fucking crazy, man. They’ll pull your hair…and snort coke off a drug dealer’s dick.


Los Angeles Biels vs. New York Berrys: we respect you, Halle, but Biel’s flat-out hotter right now.

Chicago Anistons vs. Philadelphia Lohans: Like Lindsay after a two-week binge, the Phillies used up all their energy to get here. The Cubbies are on their way to the World Series.


Los Angeles Biels vs. Anyone from the NL: Do you really think the Hathaways, Anistons, Fishers, Lohans or Sharapovas have a hope in hell against the mighty Biel? Or Jolie, Berry and Panettiere for that matter? The AL dominates the NL. With a foot-long strap-on.

UPDATE: Many of our readers have pointed out we made a few errors regarding Anne Hathaway. We would like to thank these readers. We had not realized A) Anne Hathaway's jublies are as big as they are and B) she has, in fact, done some nude scenes and even a sex scene. We didn't give her enough of a chance. Hopefully the bad karma isn't what cost the Padres a playoff spot.

Also, we'd also like to say thanks for nothing to those same readers. We've wasted three hours this morning pouring through Anne Hathaway video clips and desktop wallpapers. Dicks.


Anonymous said...

Great analysis...though I didn't read a fucking word. The pics said it all.

well done

Hayesism said...

you boys are on a roll

Mark P said...

Great post, guys. Anne Hathaway actually has a topless scene in Brokeback Mountain, thus giving an excuse to every heterosexual man who went to see that movie.

The Halle/Yankees comparison is a bit off since most of America doesn't hate Halle Berry. Also, since the Snakes are such a statistical oddity, perhaps a better pick would've been a woman who on paper isn't hot, but manages to be quirkily attractive nonetheless. Alyson Hannigan?

Paul Barnes said...

You know, I absolutely LOVE Jenna Fischer...I mean, her character Pam...I would so wreck that chick. Like, all night long.

And Hayden...don't get me started on her. I knew she was gonna be hot since Remember the Titans...and on Malcolm in the Middle...

Finally, Anne Hathaway was also nude in the movie Havoc apparently...I have been trying to look for it online unsuccessfully. I refuse to watch Brokeback on the account that it's still way too gay.

Mark P said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mark P said...

Well lads, I couldn't resist using my own blog to come up with more hot women to compare to the rest of the teams in MLB. And I didn't even bother to find pictures of them all. I suck.


dan dedic said...

barnes what the fuck is wrong with you?

Paul Barnes said...

Dan, you scum sucking Slav. I don't understand your question.

Joe said...

Good idea for an article, but Jessica Biel is the hottest chick you could come up with? weak. She shouldn't even make the top 32

Anonymous said...

I like a lot of the matchups but I find it funny that Hale Berry was selected as the Yankees. This is funny to me only because Hale Berry grew up in cleveland and is playing her hometown team in the first round for this scenario. Just wanted to pass on the observation.

Anonymous said...

Dude, Anne Hathaway has been topless in two movies. Do yourself a favor and Google "Havoc" and enjoy.

Anonymous said...

How does Halle Berry become the Yankees girl when she is basically from Cleveland?!?! Hayden is not bad but Halle is ALREADY a Clevelander.

Eddie said...

Dude, before I read this blog, when I thought of my Red Sox...I thought so sexy, but so fucking crazy. I knew IT HAD TO BE JOLIE. Your picks are awful though...Hayden for Cleveland is close to perfect. I was thinking Lauren Conrad, the LC, for Arizona actually. Aniston for Cubbies is GOLD. I root for Jennifer Aniston exactly the same way I root for the long as she's not going up against Jolie, because we all know how that ended up.

Eddie said...

Correction, your picks for winning each series are awful, your picks for the hot girls are good.

Anonymous said...

Where's jessica alba?? And you give the D'backs a manly chick that's messed up. Watch they're gonna win the World Series so you might want to change that bro!!

David said...

Anne did a whole nude/ sex scene in Havoc. It's what got her kicked out of Disney, god bless her.

adriano said...

gotta agree with eddie, your comparisons were great, but you're picking the angels to win it all. after that shutout last night against beckett, i just can't see it. also i have jolie beating biel until jessica convinces me she can act and/or starts helping third world countries

Anonymous said...

hathaway did a topless scene

Anonymous said...

Anne Hathaway actually had a couple of nice topless scenes in "Havoc." No need to rent "Brokeback Mountain."

Mark said...

Anne Hathaway went topless in the Movie " Havoc" watch it you'll be delightfully pleased

Anonymous said...

Ever see Anne in Havoc?


Perv said...

Has anyone said yet that Anne Hathaway had topless scenes already?

Little do many know, however, that Natalie Portman has nude video clips out there from her new movie. Teh hawntess.

Anonymous said...

How about the New York Brittany's?

They both started out so HOT and then became aboslute trainwrecks.

Anonymous said...

AHAHAHAHA your fucking Jessica Biel got rocked by the Jolie's, personally i would go with Alba for the Sox, prob cuz they not only can they get you with their dominant pitching(body of Alba) but they can also slug it out if needed(face of Alba. Cmon, guys did you really think the angels could beat the redsox IN Boston.

Indians fan in the desert said...

All I have to say is that Hayden Panettiere sure as hell gave Halle Berre a major spanking tonight. With image in my mind, I will get absolutely zero work done tomorrow. If I get fired it is entirely your fault!!!

Anonymous said...

Looks like you're going to be 0-4 in your predictions.

Anonymous said...

I know the point of the article is the women, but it is funny to me that you are going to be wrong on all four divisional series...

Anonymous said...

Hey, Jessica Biel went to Yankee stadium for a Yankee/Red Sox game completely decked out in Red Sox gear. She's OURS!!! :)

Anonymous said...

Chicago Aniston gets BITCHED-SLAPPED by Arizona Sharapova in a 3 game SWEEP.

Anonymous said...

Have to admit the 'great' analysis was as advertised - poorly planned and inadequate lol

Sort of like the Cubs plan to pitch Zambrano in Game 4.

Thanks, Lou. We'll treat ya to a bottle of Aquafina, next time you bring the Cubbies to Chase Field - next season!

Anonymous said...

Think you guys should stick to profiling hot chicks, cuz you clearly know dick about sports.

Could be the Rockies has been killer for the last month.

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what do you want? just think in these girl as a cheerleaders for the teams that you mentioned, no one player can play focused, specially with Hayden Panattiere.

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