NHL announces '08 slogan: "Two steps forward, three steps back"

CHICAGO (SOJP) -- National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman revealed the league’s new slogan at yesterday’s board of governors meeting in Chicago.

This year’s annual, barely detectable marketing campaign will be spearheaded by the slogan “Two steps forward, three steps back.” Past slogans have included “The coolest game on Earth” and “Game on.” Other ideas included “Two steps forward, nine steps back” and “Hockey: maybe you’ve heard of it?”

“We feel the slogan best summarizes the direction the board is trying to take the league,” Bettman said. “Coupled with some of this year’s other initiatives, we feel we’re close to our goal of destroying the game of hockey.”

Observers were shocked by the commissioner’s blunt remarks. Bettman said at this stage of his tenure with the NHL, there’s no reason to play coy.

“We’ve reached the point where it’s silly to pretend we’re making intelligent decisions,” Bettman said. “Everyone knows what we’re doing, so the least we can do is be honest with the league’s few remaining fans.”

The league’s ineptitude has been well-documented, though it may have reached a new plateau this off-season. Canadian billionaire Jim Balsillie tried purchasing the Nashville Predators before seemingly being boxed out by the commissioner in favour of an American group offering far less money. Balsillie reportedly hoped to move the team to Southern Ontario, where people have heard of hockey.

Bettman also announced the league will host another outdoor hockey game -- on New Year’s Day. That same day, the Sugar Bowl, Cotton Bowl and Rose Bowl will be played.

Bettman said he hoped an outdoor game would appeal to the small yet “unique” audience he’s built on the digital cable channel Versus, formely known as the Outdoor Life Network. He announced a deal in 2005 that made OLN the primary carrier of NHL games despite its small audience.

“Some see a significantly smaller American audience than we had in the past as a negative,” Bettman said. “But a smaller audience is also a prestigious one. For our outdoor people, these private hockey broadcasts are a luxurious treat.”

Yesterday, the board of governors met in Chicago to discuss possible expansion plans, including putting franchises in Las Vegas, Kansas City and Seattle.

“It’s genius, in one sense,” said University of Toronto business professor Arthur Tilden. “If you were ever to design a business model for failure, Mr. Bettman’s would be award-worthy.”

“We’ve seen sports like the National Football League and Major League Baseball grow to national prominence,” Bettman said. “It’s been done. Few people can claim to have brought a major sports league to its knees.”

Gary Bettman demands people stop calling NHL crappiest of the four major North American sports

TORONTO (SOJP) -- In light of controversy swirling around the NFL, NBA and Major League Baseball, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman is demanding people stop dubbing hockey the worst of the four “major” North American sports leagues.

“It’s time our status was elevated,” Bettman told reporters yesterday. “Hockey is finally ready to shine in the spotlight.”

The commissioner pointed to baseball’s steroid scandal, basketball’s referee gambling, and football’s dog fighting problems as reasons why sports fans, particularly those in the U.S., should stop calling NHL hockey the crappiest of all major sports.

“Look at all the problems they’re having,” Bettman said. “My league is full of bearded guys who think a wild night is scoring a hat trick and receiving oral sex from a drunk Canadian woman while on a road trip.

“It’s a family atmosphere.”

National Basketball League commissioner David Stern, who worked with Bettman while Bettman was with the NBA, had a harsh response for hockey’s top executive.

“With all due respect, I think Gary should mind his own league,” Stern said. “LeBron James sleeps with more people in one season than the Thrashers get to a single game.”

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig also chimed in.

“Many people can make an excellent case that I am the most incompetent league commissioner, if not person, in the past 30 years of sports,” Selig said. “But Gary Bettman makes me look like the offspring of Marie Curie and Leonardo da Vinci.”

National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell declined to comment about Bettman. He did tell reporters he “didn’t know” what hockey was but that he would crush anything in his path, particularly anything originating from Canada.

The NHL commissioner shrugged off the rebuttals, however, saying that now is the perfect opportunity for hockey to strike and capitalize on the sour taste each league is leaving in its fans’ mouths.

“All I know is the good people of Texas will agree with me,” he said. “That’s why I’m putting teams in Fort Worth, Plano and Houston.

“Maybe in Hawaii, too. They’ll watch anything. Dog the Bounty Hunter? It’s a terrible show! Same thing over and over, and there’s no action. It’s nothing like hockey.”

When asked about Rick Tocchet and his recent organized gambling conviction, Bettman denied the affair would negatively impact the NHL.

“Unfairly, the NHL hasn’t been given much publicity in recent years,” Bettman said. “Mr. Tocchet, however, has done the league a service.

“Thanks to the controversial nature of his story, we have appeared on ESPN’s Sportscenter twice this month, Bettman said. “One of those times we appeared as the 11th story, after baseball scores, an NFL training camp update, a soccer feature, and an instalment of Who’s Now?”

SOJP polled some sports fans as to whether they felt hockey should no longer be deemed the worst of the four major North American sports. One American fan said he still won’t attend games because he “finds Eskimos shifty and untrustworthy.” Another said he thinks hockey has a chance to elevate its status “because of that Beckham guy.”

Regardless, Bettman stuck to his guns.

“C’mon,” he said. “Nobody likes the NBA anymore. Watch hockey. It’s the fastest game on Earth!”

Round table: Madden 08

Spirit of Jake Plummer looooves video games. They’ve been a safe haven for us all our lives, protecting us from chores, sitting on our creepy uncle’s knee while he’s “excited,” and the horrible realization that acne hinders your chances of intercourse.

As sports fans, we herald no video game like we herald EA Sports’ Madden franchise. Madden NFL 08 came out yesterday. After we cleaned our semen off the floor, we arranged a top-notch roundtable interview with the personalities behind the video game magic:

John Madden, football commentator, former NFL head coach and video game franchise founder

Vince Young, Tennessee Titans quarterback and current Madden cover model

Cyrus Worbodowksi, lead EA Sports programmer for this year’s Madden game

________________________________________________________________

SOJP reporter: Well, I’m in awe here. I sit before three of my idols. The men behind the Madden magic.

WORBODOWSKI: Well, technically Mr. Young is the man in front of the aforementioned magic. He adorns the cover of this year’s game.

SOJP: Right.

MADDEN: Interesting that you, you, you say “right.” It’s a word that comes up a lot. Some people are right about stuff, and some are wrong. Sometimes you make a right turn, sometimes a left one. Heck, some times you make a right one when you were supposed to make a left! Then you get your Mapquest goin’, and ---

SOJP: All right, then. Let’s get down to business. First off -- whenever a new version of a popular game comes out, the fans always want to know what’s different. What makes Madden 08 special? Why should I buy it if I have last year’s game?

WORBODOWSKI: Well, for the record, I’m saving my money for the next Final Fantasy game. HELLO! Someone’s been living under a rock.

MADDEN: The Rock. Duane Johnson.

SOJP: Well, humour me. What’s new for 2008?

WORBODOWSKI: First off, we’ve drastically improved the tackling A.I. People love impact. People love collisions and big hits. We’ve introduced Hit Stick 2.0., which lets you tackle ball carriers high or low. The physics are truly astounding.

SOJP: Hold on a second. Cyrus, have you ever played a game of football in your life?

WORBODOWSKI: Well, I was more of a Dungeons & Dragons kid. Level 11 Warlock, actually.

SOJP: OK, Vince, Vinny, you haven’t chimed in yet. Do you think a guy like Cyrus Worbodowski is really equipped to understand and program tackling physics?

YOUNG: Well man, shit, I dunno. I…it’s all good, baby. It’s all good.

SOJP: So you’re cool with him being the “tackling expert”?

YOUNG: Well, ha ha, to be honest wit chou, I’m too busy avoiding tackles to know much about ’em, ha ha ha, you know what I mean?

WORBODOWSKI: Typical answer. Great job, cover boy! Just what I expect from the guy who wrote the worst Wonderlic test in recent memory.

YOUNG: Wonderlic? I told you, man, I don’t eat ice cream. What the fuck’s your problem? I’m lactose intol….lactose ain’t good inside me, man.

MADDEN: Ice cream. HA! I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. Sometimes you get a big ole offensive lineman screamin’ louder than the rest of the kids.

SOJP: … so, back to the new features. What else should we be creaming ourselves over?

WORBODOWSKI: Our new weapons feature is sure to please. Any player rated 90 or better in a certain category is considered a “weapon player.”

SOJP: Cool. So Pacman and Vick actually get to use guns and shit? Is it a cheat code?

YOUNG: I didn’t do nothing.

WORBODOWSKI: (rolls eyes impatiently) Very funny. No, it means, for example, that Marvin Harrison is a perfect route runner, just like in real life. He has a 100 route-running rating.

SOJP: 100? Perfect? Is it fair to claim Harrison’s perfect?

MADDEN: The Perfect Storm. Good movie. Didn’t see it.

SOJP: …OK. Well, let’s move on. We can’t talk Madden without talking about the curse. Is it real or not?

MADDEN: White or whole wheat? Day games, and night games.

SOJP: What?

WORBODOWSKI: Just ignore him. He’s been doing it all day. Anyway, the curse isn’t real. Well, it was once. In 2002 Daunte Culpepper called me a “goober cracker,” so I cast a Level 11 lizard lightning bolt curse on him. Low and behold, he hurt his back.

SOJP: So, any horrible curses planned for your boy Vince here?

WORBODOWSKI: Depends on if he gives me my Mont Blanc pen back.

YOUNG: Fuck this shit, man. I’m outta here. I’m gone. I never took that pen. Let me axe you something – how much writing do you think VY does? How much?

SOJP: He has you there.

MADDEN: I think I may secretly be gay. Sometimes I think about turkey sandwiches during sex with my wife. But sometimes I think about a big ole defensive tackle coming down on top of me and kissing my nipples. I-i-i-i-it’s something I should address.

SOJP: Well, I think this is getting a little weird, even for SOJP. So I’m going to turn the tape recorder off.

Note: After the interview, Worbodowski pulled a plastic lightsaber from his brief case and struck Young in the temple with it. Young laughed and stuffed Worbodowski into a garbage can. Seconds later, Young’s ACL spontaneously exploded. Madden also asked our reporter if anyone has ever “kissed him where he pees.” Wow.

Selig not present for Bonds’ home run; Commissioner was at home watching Everybody Loves Raymond

As speculated, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig wasn’t present to witness Barry Bonds’ historic home run last night. Instead, he was at home watching sitcom television.

“I didn’t even see the home run on TV, to be honest,” Selig told reporters this morning. “I was watching Everybody Loves Raymond with [my wife] Suzanne.

Selig elaborated.

“It was the one where Raymond gets jealous because he goes to Robert’s apartment and there’s a bunch of pretty girls there,” he said. “It was a goodie.”

The commissioner has endured criticism for his handling of the Bonds situation and for not being present when he hit No. 756. Last night, Selig sent executive vice president Jimmie Lee Solomon and Hall of Famer Frank Robinson in his place, and there were rumours that if Bonds didn’t homer last night, the Mariner Moose – Seattle’s mascot that made headlines last week after clipping Red Sox Coco Crisp with an ATV – would have been chosen as a representative in an effort to mock Bonds.

The surly slugger waved off the Mariner Moose allegations.

“I don’t care about a moose,” Bonds said. “[The media], you guys come in here with your questions about all these things and you don’t even have any proof. You’re not in my shoes, Ok? You don’t know me; you don’t know who I am as a person.

“I’m just trying to concentrate on baseball and helping my team win, Ok? I don’t care about all these false allegations or these mooses. I don’t even like dessert.”

Selig wouldn’t comment on the Mariner Moose, though he did try to justify missing last night’s game.

“To be honest, Suzanne and I got to share some intimate relations last night, and it’s something we don’t get to do often,” Selig said. “She thinks Robert [Barone, Raymond's brother] is a cutie and that gets her fired up a little bit. I’m so busy with my ‘day job’ I just don’t have time.

“Plus, Viagra gives me the runs the next day. It takes a Herculean effort by me for us to have relations. I’m glad we were able to do that last night.”

Bonds didn’t seem to care whether the commissioner was there or not.

“[Selig] is a grown man, he can do what he wants,” Bonds said. “If he wants to stay home and watch Everybody Loves Raymond, that’s fine. It’s a good show.”

Bonds also said he wants to start convincing people his standoffish persona “wasn’t really him,” and that deep down, he’s really a nice guy.

“I’ve known since I got into this league I was going to break that record,” Bonds said. “That’s a lot of pressure and it really wore thin on me. That’s why sometimes I act like such a jerk. The last couple of weeks, with the end in sight, you guys have to admit I’ve acted pretty nice.

“I just hope I can change that perception since it’s all over.

“Now get the fuck away from my locker.”

Bonds then punched a female reporter in the gut and threw a teammate’s infant son into a trash can.

Selig said he will miss tonight’s scheduled meeting with baseball chief steroid investigator George Mitchell because the Women’s Entertainment network is running a Dharma & Greg marathon.

One-on-one with J. P. Ricciardi

Yesterday’s Major League Baseball trade deadline saw big names like Mark Teixeira and Eric Gagne change teams, but it was relatively uneventful. Especially in Toronto, where Jays general manager J.P. Ricciardi stayed true to his word and stood pat.

Spirit of Jake Plummer sent a reporter to Tampa Bay aboard a cheap, stuffy bus to track down J.P. at the Jays/Rays tilt. Our reporter recorded the following interview from a luxury box.

SOJP: Howdy, Mr. Ricciardi.

RICCIARDI: Hello, kid. How are you?

SOJP: I’m good, sir. You enjoying the game?

RICCIARDI: Of course I’m enjoying the game. It’s a baseball game. It’s a baseball game in Tampa Bay, and people like baseball games in Tampa Bay. Tampa Bay is a nice city. It’s warm. If you study the temperature statistics year to year, it puts up good numbers – always around 80 degrees this time of year. So what are you complaining about? This is Tampa Bay and I’m fine with it.

SOJP: Uh…what? Ok. Anyway, I wanted to discuss the trade deadline with you. Several deals occurred yesterday, none of which involved you. Can you discuss why you chose to stand pat?

RICCIARDI: Are you kidding me? Is this why you came to Tampa? To hear a broken record? But OK kid, I can tell your whole outfit came from Value Village, so I’ll humour you.

SOJP: …thanks?

RICCIARDI: So I stood pat. So I said I was going to stand pat and I stood pat. Let me ask you something. What’s our winning percentage?

SOJP: Well, I guess if we hang on to win this game, it’ll be .500, sir.

RICCIARDI: That’s right, son. .500. A .500 ball club. And what kind of win percentage do championship baseball clubs typically have?

SOJP: Well, I suppose around .600. Or at least well over .500.

RICCIARDI: Now you’re getting it, kid. Let me clarify my point for you: YOU CAN’T SPELL “WELL OVER .500” WITHOUT .500. And what are we?

SOJP: .500.

RICCIARDI: Bingo. So we’re a championship team. Why would a championship team move its top talent?

SOJP: Well, not speaking for myself, Mr. Ricciardi…but some baseball experts, while they agree with you for the most part, are wondering why you didn’t move some of your lesser or older talents. Josh Towers will be a free agent this winter, and –

RICCIARDI: Let me tell you something about Josh Towers. His career ERA against the Detroit Tigers: 1.74. Johan Santana’s: 2.69.

SOJP: But Towers has faced the Tigers only three times and Santana has faced them 25 --

RICCIARDI: Next question. Wait, let me answer it for you. No, I didn’t want to move Frank Thomas. He’s old. What does old mean? Wise. What does wise mean? Good at baseball. Mark Teixeira? Come on. Some young first baseman with power from both sides of the plate? Does the Rogers Centre want some freak who bats both ways? It’s a family facility.

SOJP: Well…why don’t we move on to non-baseball questions, then?

RICCIARDI: Shoot.

SOJP: One of your clubhouse staffers was just charged with possession of child pornography, yet you kept him on your staff. Why haven’t you let him go?

RICCIARDI: Let me tell you something about Murray. Regardless of what he allegedly did, he brings results. Isn’t that what fans want? Average custodian uses two cans of Lysol and three bottles of Windex a week to clean a Major League Clubhouse. Guess what Murray uses?

SOJP: I…gosh. I, I don’t know Mr. Ricciardi.

RICCIARDI: One can of Lysol. That’s it. He even cleans the glass surfaces with it. Doesn’t even need the Windex! Do you realize what that does for team costs?

SOJP: Um, but what about the pornography, sir?

RICCIARDI: Let me tell you something about child pornography, OK? It involves C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N. You following me? It involves a love of children. Do you realize how much fun my kids have with Murray? Takes them to the park an average of four times a week. When he babysits them during the offseason, he buys them 1.4 candy apples a day on average. Pro-rated to a full year, that’s a whopping 511 candy apples. You simply cannot argue with that productivity.

SOJP: …right. Actually, now that we’re discussing your home life – some team officials have indicated that your home life has put a strain on your general manager duties this year. Your wife has publicly lamented your inability to throw out obsolete appliances.

RICCIARDI: Most people look at a 1987 Mac and say “It’s a 1987 Mac. What use could we have for it?” But to that I say, “Greg Myers. Greg Zaun.” Macs still have keyboards, don’t they? They can type. So they don’t have Internet. So they can’t hit lefties. But they have value as part of my team. And they can flat out get on base.

SOJP: …OK. You lost me. I think that’s all I need from you sir –

RICCIARDI: And my wife probably talked about the toaster. Says I mismanaged it. Says I overused it, right? Says I put too many pieces of toast in it? Well let me tell you something about that toaster. It lacks toughness. It had every opportunity to succeed and didn’t have the courage to toast bread through pain.

SOJP: I’m shutting the door now, so…bye.

Leafs sign 18-year-old lawn tractor to $22-million deal; will pair with Kaberle on blue line

TORONTO (SOJP) -- With most of the NHL’s more appealing free agents locked up, general managers are turning to the second wave of unrestricted free agents. Toronto GM John Ferguson Jr. got the ball rolling with a surprising move yesterday, signing a 1989 Troy-Bilt lawn tractor to a seven-year, $22-million deal.

“We felt we were only a player or two away from competing now,” Ferguson said after announcing the signing. “We hope this is the final piece of the puzzle.”

The 18-year-old tractor will be driven by Carlton the Bear, the Leafs’ mascot, and pair with Tomas Kaberle on the blue line. Its tires will be fitted with chains to provide traction on the ice.

The signing fueled speculation of turmoil within the club. Some believe Ferguson’s already suspect hockey judgement is being impaired because of his lame duck contract status; others believe he made the signing to spite any “senior advisor” the Leafs might hire, like former Senators GM John Muckler. Others think he’s simply lost his mind.

During the announcement Ferguson said the tractor impressed Toronto in a team workout.

“He came in and did a good job,” Ferguson said. “He beat Hal Gill in a blueline-to-blueline race and he didn’t even have the chains on.”

Some say the signing is another move by Ferguson that will pay small, immediate dividends but compromise Toronto’s future. The seven-year deal is easily the longest granted by the Leafs in the salary cap era and it’s doubtful the tractor will hold up for the duration of the contract, let alone perform at last year’s level.

Last summer, the tractor cut a career-high 93 lawns, but critics have noted its age and the unlikelihood it can repeat last year’s success. Ferguson disagreed.

“Last year, Sidney Crosby was the youngest player ever to win the Hart and I don’t hear anyone complaining about that,” Ferguson told reporters. “He’s a year older than the Troy-Bilt. Maybe Troy will break Crosby’s Hart record.

“Old? Sidney Crosby is old. Go bother Mario Lemieux.”

Reporters peppered Ferguson with questions yesterday. When a Leafs beat reporter asked if the tire chains would damage the ice, Ferguson stared blankly at the floor for a few moments before wetting his pants.

“This interview is over!” Ferguson shouted, his face turning red and seething with rage, before he stormed into a storage closet.

The tractor did provide some laughs -- and possibly foreshadowed the Leafs’ future -- when presented with its jersey. Ferguson draped the no. 43 jersey on top of the tractor, which slipped to the side and was caught in the blades, shredding it to pieces.

“Look out, Ottawa,” cackled a grinning Ferguson. “Troy’s got a mean streak.”

The Troy-Bilt’s signing also means more work for the Zamboni staff. Because the tractor can’t hop the boards for line changes, it must park in the Zamboni area. Leafs captain Mats Sundin said he’ll also use the Zamboni area for shift changes.

“Uh… my hip is fine. I will be completely healthy by the season opener,” Sundin said. “I’m a team leader and I just want to use the Zamboni pad to keep Carlton and Troy company.”

An Eastern Conference general manager who asked not to be named was surprised and confused by the signing, but felt Leafs fans still had reason to be optimistic.

“It’s a lot of money to sink into an aging player, let alone a tractor,” said the GM. “But he’ll do okay [for Toronto]. Defensively, it’s a big step up from McCabe.”

When asked to comment, Carlton the Bear tried starting the wave and threw some T-shirts into the media scrum.

Snow takes desperate measures in free-agent negotiations

ISLANDERS GM MAKES INDECENT PROPOSAL TO SMYTH IN LATE-NIGHT PHONE CALL

Spirit of Jake Plummer staffers shop at those losery Spy Tech stores; we buy bugs and plant those bugs in houses. One such house belonged to New York Islanders backup goal- er, general manager Garth Snow.

We intercepted the following phone call early this morning:

VOICE CONFIRMED TO BE NEWLY SIGNED COLORADO AVALANCHE WINGER RYAN SMYTH: …hello?

SNOW: Ryan.

SMYTH: Yeah?

SNOW: Ryan.

SMYTH: Yes?

SNOW: Ryan.

SMYTH: HELLO?

SNOW: Ryan. It’s Garth. It’s…it’s Garth Snow here.

SMYTH: Garth? What the---man, what time is it?

SNOW: It’s about 10:30. 10: 27 to be exact.

SMYTH: What the fuck, man, it’s 2:42 a.m. I just looked at my clock. What are you doing calling me at 2:42 a.m.?

SNOW: Yeah…my clock’s broken. My pet broke it. My cat…dog. My –

SMYTH: Garth, why are you calling me now?

SNOW: Ok, Ryan. We’re business men here, aren’t we? Let’s do some eleventh hour crazy cowboy shit, let’s –

SMYTH: What are you talking about?

SNOW: …

SMYTH: OK, so you’re calling to make me another offer. Garth, I told you, I wouldn’t even take seven mil to go back to Long Island. I hate it there. I –

SNOW: Yeah, but would you take 12 mil? Huh?

SMYTH: That’s not even possible under the new rules. Garth, you have to stop calling me. You know I picked a new team. You saw on TV that I signed with Colorado.

SNOW: Oh yeah? Well you know who else picked a new team? Alexander Ovechkin. And guess what team he picked, Ryan?

SMYTH: He’s not even a free agent, Garth. Jesus Christ. You signed those pricks Guerin and Comrie, not Ovechkin. I’m hanging up –

SNOW: I SAID, do you know what team Ovechkin picked?

SMYTH: ……

SNOW. The New York Rangers, that’s who.

SMYTH:…you mean Islanders.

SNOW: Yeah, that’s what I said.

SMYTH: No, you said Rangers.

SNOW: I think I would know what I said.

SMYTH: ….fuck. Whatever. OK, you said Islanders. And I’m hanging up the phone now, Garth.

SNOW : Wait! Wait…I have one final offer. It’s a winner.

SMYTH: I’m sure it is. I’m gonna pass, though Ga –

SNOW: You like…tits? Legs? You like it when some hot…slut…is on you?

SMYTH: What? Stop talking.

SNOW: My wife, Erica…she’s a treasure. She’ll treat you nice. She’ll do whatever you want. You want her to shit on ya?

SMYTH: (click).

Fans, pundits upset Sam Alexis Woods has yet to become the greatest/hottest golfer in the history of the universe

ORLANDO (SOJP) -- A few days ago Tiger Woods and wife Elin Nordegren were greeted with handshakes, cigars and congratulations. Today they face questions as to why their newborn daughter has yet to develop into the hottest, greatest golfer of all time.

Sam Alexis Woods, born Monday, is facing even more scrutiny than her father faces each time he goes more than three tournaments without a victory. Sports broadcasters filled the airwaves yesterday, debating why it’s taking Sam so long to dominate golf and pageantry.

Woods is arguably the greatest golfer of all time and Nordegren is a supermodel and nanny. Observers heaped criticism on the new parents as Sam, already three days old, has yet to swing a club or babysit.

“It’s the equivalent of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love having a kid,” wrote ESPN columnist Bill Simmons between three dozen other pop culture references, “except the kid doesn’t grow up to be a screwed up junkie who ends up on the cover of Star magazine every other week with headlines like ‘Kurtney’s kid out of control -- again!!!’”

The barbs didn’t stop there.

“This is another example of a spoiled athlete failing to capitalize on their God-given talent,” said Rush Limbaugh. “It would be like if Adam and Eve’s child didn’t grow up to be God!”

Making matters worse, the baby is uglier than Rosie O’Donnell’s asshole after cheap wing night at Hooters.

“That... kid... sure doesn’t look like it came out of Elin” said Steve Williams, Tiger’s caddy. “It will haunt my dreams forever.”

Many argued that, since Nordegren was always attractive and Tiger began golfing as a toddler, Sam should already be a little hottie well on her way to golf supremacy. Woods tried erasing the notion yesterday in an interview on ESPN radio.

“It’s tough, when you watch sports these days, everyone wants these young athletes to develop so quickly,” Tiger said. “They want and expect somebody to be the next Wayne Gretzky, or Michael Jordan, or even Tiger Woods. That’s a lot of unfair pressure.”

Phil Mickelson, who has volunteered to help care for the Woods’ new daughter while his wrist heals, came to the Woods family’s defence today.

“This is all blown out of proportion,” said Mickelson while breastfeeding Sam at the hospital. “I barely practice and I do just fine.”

Sam Woods declined comment, as she hasn’t learned to speak.

One on One: Keepin' it real with "Real" Neil O'Donnell

We sent a Spirit of Jake Plummer reporter south of the border to interview former Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Neil O'Donnell. O'Donnell recently contacted SOJP to discuss the recent controversy surrounding retired NFLers' pensions.

Jim Brown, Bart Starr and Dick Butkus have it made, not just because of their legendary NFL careers, but because they retired before 1977. Thanks to a recent league ruling, players who retired before 1977 will see their pension doubled. Great deal for rickety old players. Shitty deal for forgotten players who retired after ’77. The superstars of the last few decades sit atop Scrooge McDuck-esque money piles, but what about the other guys? Guys like Neil O’Donnell? Chokers like Neil O’Donnell?

SOJP met with O’Donnell in his native New Jersey to discuss the pension ruling. O’Donnell contacted us by leaving his business card – a piece of cereal box with his name and address scribbled down in pencil crayon – at our office.

Upon arriving at O’Donnell’s townhouse, I was sure I’d been duped or given the wrong address. An elderly woman answered the door and claimed she’d never heard of O’Donnell. Just as I was about to leave, a man burst out of a nearby compost heap and accosted me.

"Roarrrgh," the man said, coughing uncontrollably. "Stop the presses… Barbara Walters special, baby… one on one with ‘Real Neil O’Donnell… put the young ones to bed.’"

Why was this homeless man claiming to be O’Donnell? Still, there was something familiar about him – a sadness, a sense of despair in his eyes, along with a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey smeared with what looked like kitty litter.

I picked a pop can off the ground and tossed it to the hobo.

"OK, ‘O’Donnell,’" I said. "Throw this can to me. Prove it’s you."

The bum took a lazy two-step drop and hurled the can five feet over my head, landing it softly in the arms of a man jogging by. It was O’Donnell.

O’Donnell told me to "step into his office." He didn’t move. Standing in the middle of the elderly woman’s driveway, we were apparently already there.

After sneezing on me, he finally discussed the pension issue. He claimed the rule ignored the money a given player made during his career.

Take Jim Brown," O’Donnell said. "Think he needs the pension? Guy was a star, made good coin and launched a movie career out of it. Won an Oscar for Jerry Maguire.

"Then you have guys like Neil O’Donnell," he continued. "How many movies was I in? Who wants to make a movie about fuckin’ interceptions? A movie about my failed investment in Nerf toys? A movie about eating bags of Cheetos and watching reruns of Three’s Company?"

O’Donnell said pension should be determined by how much money a player made during his career; only players who made less than the league average would qualify. I asked O’Donnell if it would be fair for someone who made less than the league average today to collect pension upon retirement while someone who made top dollar several decades ago receives nothing.

"You’re talking the crazy talk," O’Donnell said. "Inflation doesn’t exist. It’s a myth. The U.S. of fuckin’ A created it during the Cold War to confuse the Nazis."

Almost as soon as O’Donnell’s tirade began, it ended. His expression grew grim and he dropped to the ground, writhing in pain. Here was a tortured soul; every Super Bowl interception stalked him like a demon.

I bent down beside O’Donnell and patted the back of his tattered denim jacket, which was several sizes too small.

"Neil," I said. "I’m here. I can help you. You have to let Super Bowl XXX go. You can’t go on in this kind of pain."

"Super Bowl XXX?" O’Donnell said. "What are you talking about? This pain comes from my gut. As in, I have a rumble in my gut. As in, I haven’t eaten since someone threw an apple core at me yesterday and I caught it. As in, what do you say we hit the KFC drive thru pronto, your treat?"

The interview was clearly over. I pulled a pack of Tic Tacs from my pocket and tossed it to O’Donnell before returning to my car, saddened to see another NFL retiree left to fend for himself.

As I pulled away, O’Donnell moaned loudly. I glanced at him and gagged.

He was masturbating.

Anaheim dumps Ottawa in Game 5, Leafs fans celebrate first Stanley Cup victory in four decades

TORONTO (SOJP) -- Cars were burned and windows were shattered as, for the first time in 40 years, Leafs fans finally had something to celebrate.

Before a sell out crowd at the Honda Centre in California last night the Anaheim Ducks eliminated the Ottawa Senators in Game 5 of the Stanley Cup final.

“It’s unbelievable,” shouted Robbie Tilton, who was parading about town with a posse of fellow Leafs fans. “It’s been a long wait but we fuckin’ deserve it! You can’t call us losers anymore!”

Travis Moen scored two goals in Anaheim’s 6-2 win. Ducks defenseman and captain Scott Niedermayer was awarded the Conn Smythe trophy. Anaheim is the first West Coast team to win the Cup.

“It’s, like, a wild trip,” said Devin Aspen, a Ducks fan and California native who watched the game in Toronto. “You could just feel the energy, you know? I could feel my brothers and sisters even though they were miles away.

“Now that Stanley trophy is finally ours.”

Dozens of elated Ducks fans gathered in downtown Anaheim to celebrate the win, but the real party was happening north of the border. The streets of Toronto were filled with rejoicing Leafs fans, who wandered through town with painted faces, waving flags and chanting “Go Leafs go.”

“We really showed those Ottawa pricks!” shouted Lou Pilber, a Toronto tavern owner, over the raucous crowd in his bar. “They think they’re hot shit. Who’s No. 1 now, huh?”

Embattled Toronto general manager John Ferguson Jr. admitted though the Leafs didn’t actually win the Stanley Cup, he’ll take it.

“It’s the closest we’ve been since I got here, I know that much,” Ferguson Jr. said. “Ottawa loses the Cup and everyone goes nuts. Unbelievable.

“It’s bought me some time, but I’m trying to win a real Cup. Now will you please get off my back? I’ve got Boston on the phone and I’m this close to pulling the trigger on a Steen/Pogge/first-round-pick package for Sturm and Tim Thomas.”

With the championship drought seemingly over, Toronto fans might leave Ferguson Jr. alone for a long time.

“People said we couldn’t do it, that we only ever won a championship because we were in a six-team league,” said Michael Troy, 54, a lifelong Leaf fan. “This proves the Toronto Maple Leafs are back and we’ve regained our rightful place as the greatest franchise in professional sports.”

A tickertape parade through downtown Toronto has been scheduled for Saturday.

Halladay will miss tomorrow's start: Ricciardi lied about appendix, ace's arm was amputated

TORONTO (SOJP) -- Roy Halladay will not return to the Blue Jays’ line-up tomorrow night after it was learned general manager J.P. Ricciardi lied about the pitcher having appendix surgery three weeks ago. While Halladay’s appendix remained in place, his arm has gone missing.

“Roy won’t go tomorrow,” Ricciardi told reporters outside the Jays clubhouse. “His pitching arm was removed during an operation three weeks ago. We said it was his appendix so we could have a bit more time.”

Details are sketchy, though it’s believed Halladay’s arm became gangrenous after shaking hands with Jays lefty Gustavo Chacin. When approached under his bridge, Chacin -- who reeked of bad cologne and cheese -- refused to comment and chased reporters away with a large club.

Ricciardi was under fire earlier this season after lying about closer B.J. Ryan. The team claimed Ryan was suffering from back problems but shut him down a month later for Tommy John surgery.

For now, Halladay will go back on 15-day disabled list. Though medical experts, Toronto beat reporters, and anyone with a second-grade education predict an armless Halladay won’t be able to pitch again, Ricciardi heavily criticized the notion.

“You know, [the media] like to jump to conclusions and run wild with these stories,” he said, clearly agitated. “This is a baseball thing, okay? You guys don’t know what it’s like on the diamond, you’re not doctors, you don’t know the extent of Doc’s injury, you’re not behind the scenes in the trainer’s room like we are.

“I know baseball. Roy is a competitor and it’s my belief that he will return better than ever.”

When reporters rebutted by listing his increasingly spotty track record and the fact that most of the team’s young talent was acquired by former GM Gord Ash, Ricciardi listed the greatest accomplishments of his five-plus years in Toronto.

“I traded for Eric Hinske and he was Rookie of the Year,” Ricciardi said. “And in 2004, I chose not to resign Cory Lidle. Two years later he’s dead in a plane crash. Who could have predicted that?”

Speaking of predictions, the fiery Halladay also hopes to make a quick recovery.

“We’ll see how it goes,” said a scowling Halladay. “They only cut it off from below the elbow. If I keep at it, hopefully I can return in a few weeks.”

Today, reporters pressed Ricciardi about why he felt it necessary to lie about Halladay’s injury.

“It is not the truth that matters, but victory,” said Ricciardi, quoting Hitler.

The Blue Jays are 24-27 this season and 422-438 under Ricciardi. They have never made the postseason under his watch.