The Hottie Hall of Fame: Who Belongs?

Canada was abuzz last week. No, it wasn’t because of the improved dollar or a new ice fishing innovation. It was Hockey Hall of Fame week, and this year’s class – Mark Messier, Ron Francis, Al MacInnis and Scott Stevens – may be the greatest ever. Also, Eric Lindros retired two weeks ago, sparking major debate about whether or not he’s HOF material.

That got us thinking. Thinking about boobies ‘n’ stuff. Then we smushed a bunch of ideas together and came up with this:

Shouldn’t we be talking more about the All-time Hot Chick Hall of Fame? Yes, that exists. We don’t have to review old faves; we know Marilyn Monroe and Sophia Loren are in. Thanks, Gramps. More importantly, we should gauge who’s on the verge of entering it, who has potential to get there, and who will fall short despite some people’s beliefs.

Let’s break down the ladies we think should be mentioned in the same breath as “Hall of Fame” and “piece of ass.”

FIRST BALLOT HALL OF FAMERS

Halle Berry, Beyonce, Angelina Jolie

Sports equivalent: Derek Jeter

Years of excellence have pushed these individuals beyond superstar status; they’re ambassadors of the game. A given starlet may not be your cup of tea, but she sure as hell should have your respect. Even their greatest haters can’t deny their Hall worthiness. Jennifer Aniston hates Jolie, Sox fans hate Jeter, and Dog the Bounty Hunter hates black people. But none of them is crazy enough to say Jeter sucks at baseball or that these ladies don’t belong in the Hottie Hall of Fame. Well, Dog might be.

ALWAYS GREAT, NEVER THE BEST, BUT A LOCK FOR THE HALL OF FAME

Mariah Carey, Kim Basinger, Tyra Banks, Heather Locklear, Cindy Crawford, Elizabeth Hurley, Sharon Stone, Pamela Anderson

Athlete equivalent: Tom Glavine

These perennial all-stars never really blew people away, but they never faltered. Year in, year out, they made our mouths water. While they were never the absolute best in the business, save for a few anomaly MVP seasons (Basic Instinct in 1992, Pam during the Baywatch years), they were consistently among the cream of the crop. We tip our hats to you, ladies, for your consistency. You made us cover our crotches with binders for 10 to 15 years. We forgave MJ for the Washington Wizards experiment, Sharon, so we’ll give you a pass on Basic Instinct 2.

HAVE THEY DONE ENOUGH?

Jennifer Lopez, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Charlize Theron, Shania Twain

Sports equivalent: Peter Forsberg

Growing up, we knew Peter Forsberg was great, just like we knew we wanted to bury our faces in Jennifer Love Hewitt’s cleavage after watching I Know What You Did Last Summer. Fairly or not, their prolonged absences from the lineup have soured our memories of both, leaving us with a plethora of “What ifs” and “Yeah, buts.” Regardless, all of these ladies were superstars at their peak and we won’t squawk if they’re inducted. After all, we still masturbate whenever The Mask of Zorro is on TV, don’t we?

SUPERNOVA EXPLOSION OUT OF THE GATE, FOLLOWED BY AN EPIC FALL FROM GRACE

Britney Spears

Sports equivalent: Dwight Gooden

“We’re going to bed, and you better get your butt in there soon yourself, mister,” shouted Mom from upstairs. “It’s a school night.” She was right, of course, but you’d waited downstairs all night for MTV to play “Baby One more Time” again. When Britney Spears first burst onto the scene, it was too much for adolescents. Her pigtails, stockings and exposed midriff had every boy aged 11-17 quietly hiding in the basement with the lights off so he could fuck the couch cushions like a rabbit on Red Bull. She had the world in her hands, and in a Godzilla-rampaging-through-Tokyo-like disaster, she threw it all away. We can only wonder what might have been.

RIDICULOUSLY TALENTED, BUT CAREER DERAILED BY COCAINE

Lindsay Lohan

Athlete Equivalent: Darryl Strawberry

Sigh. So sad. How hot was Lindsay a few years ago? It was almost unfair when her busty, barely legal bod beckoned to us from the cover of Rolling Stone. Then came the nose candy, and that was all she wrote. Lohan and Strawberry deserve each other; they’re physical specimens who’d rather do lines off a bathroom floor at Arby’s than perform at the top level of their professions.

TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE

Fergie, Eva Mendes, Kylie Minogue, Eva Longoria

Athlete Equivalent: Priest Holmes

Priest Holmes wasted the beginning his career backing up Jamal Lewis in Baltimore. Stacey Ferguson wasted the beginning of her career giving record producers hummers while high on heroin. You shake your head at the members of this group, wondering what could’ve been if they didn’t become sexy stars so late. Yeah, that’s right. We’re calling out Eva Longoria. She’s already 32, guys. She’s almost past her prime.

LOOKED LIKE A SURE THING A FEW YEARS AGO, BUT NOW WE’RE HAVING SERIOUS DOUBTS

Sarah Michelle Gellar, Anna Kournikova

Athlete Equivalent: Vince Carter

It seems like yesterday that they were all the rage. Vince was dunking over every living organism; Gellar was crushing vampires and screaming up a storm in cheesy horror flicks; Kournikova was looking gorgeous while getting her ass whooped on the tennis court. They were superstars. What the hell happened?

Our prediction: the stories end in tragedy. Gellar stars in an off-Broadway stage play that bombs. Vince limps and whines his way into NBA obscurity. Kournikova hits the gym, gets herself a manly build and shoots up the ATP rankings.

SHOOTING STARS WHO PERFORMED AT AN EXCEPTIONALLY HIGH LEVEL FOR A VERY BRIEF PERIOD OF TIME

Denise Richards, Shannon Elizabeth, Tara Reid, Alicia Silverstone

Sports equivalent: Terrell Davis

Ten years ago, readily accessible pornography was nonexistent for adolescent males, save for the stack of Playboys Dad hid under his bed. We weren’t old enough to use fake ID to buy our own and dialup Internet rendered online smut inadequate. The substitute? Denise Richards in Wild Things. She parlayed that into a few other roles, notably a Bond flick, but really didn’t do much else. Still, she got naked. In a pool. And made out. With another girl. These ladies may not be good enough to make the Hall, but they’re good enough to be in the discussion.

THE POLARIZING STARS

Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Garner, Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes

Sports equivalent: Art Monk

They’re pretty hot, we guess. Depends on whom you ask. Diaz, for example, was cute and charming in a couple of funny movies and dated some impressive talent over the years (Monk caught a billion balls, won a couple of titles with the Skins). Her mouth also almost got her cast as the Joker, and you could fit a second pair of tatters in the gap between her actual boobs (Monk caught little dinky passes, never really seemed to take a game over). Because there’s so much disagreement about their worth, they probably don’t belong.

STARS THAT PUT UP IMPRESSIVE NUMBERS BUT ARE CHEATERS

Paris Hilton, the Olsen twins, any reality TV star

Sports equivalent: Rafael Palmeiro

Yeah, you’ve got numerous supporters, but it has nothing to do with talent; these guys are a product of reality TV shows, clever marketing campaigns, and $500,000 worth of steroids. Doing drugs or releasing a sex tape might be enough to make you famous; it’s not enough to get you into any Hall of Fame.

ALL FLASH, NO SUBSTANCE

Carmen Electra, Jenny McCarthy

Sports equivalent: Andruw Jones

Jones hits bombs and makes highlight reel catches in center field, but he also strikes out a ton, doesn’t run anymore and is a career .263 hitter. Sound familiar? We’re enamored with Electra and McCarthy’s skills, rolling their “highlight reels” in our minds before we go to bed. Still, even the curviest body can’t make up for a lack of acting ability, general talent, or any semblance of mental activity.

RODE THE COATTAILS OF A DYNASTY

Victoria Beckham, Courtney Cox

Athlete Equivalent: Glenn Anderson

For those of you who may not know, Glenn Anderson was considered by many the fifth wheel of the Edmonton Oilers’ 1980s dynasty. He drove to the net like no one else, regularly potted 50 goals, and finished his career with over 1,000 points. Yet he’s overlooked by the Hall of Fame every year, likely because people think the legends around him – Gretzky, Messier, Coffey – made him great.

Same goes for Victoria Beckham. People make a huge deal over her, but where would she be without the Spice Girls or her dreamy footballer hubby? She’s a caricature. Looks like a lollipop. No one that bony can make the Hall of Fame. Courtney Cox is solid, but the Friends and Scream franchises carried her. David Arquette did NOT, by the way.

HAD A NICE CAREER, BUT WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR A TICKET LIKE THE REST OF US

Alyssa Milano, Christina Applegate, Teri Hatcher

Sports equivalent: Fred Taylor

Do you realize Fred Taylor has rushed for over 10,000 yards but never made a Pro Bowl? Do you realize Alyssa Milano’s IMDB page credits her with 47 roles but we can only remember the one with her really softcore sex scene? Each lady has enjoyed a period of “very good-ness” but never challenged for tops in the league. They’ve earned our respect, and they can play with us any day, but the Hottie Hall is reserved for the greats.

TONS OF TALENT BUT HAS YET TO REALIZE THEIR POTENTIAL

Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson

Sports equivalent: Reggie Bush

Everyone’s worried Bush might end up being a bust because he’s yet to capitalize on his immense talents. What about Alba and Johansson?

The ladies’ physiques and Reggie Bush’s sweet moves are almost equally boner-inducing, but will they take advantage of their unique abilities? To make the Hottie Hall, you need more than supermodel looks – you need to permeate our thoughts at all times, and you can’t do that when you’re sharing the screen with Dane Cook. Someday, you need to make it in something bigger than your bra. We’re a little worried we’re five or six years away from Bush becoming a return specialist and Johansson and Alba headlining NBC’s new sitcom, Weather Girls, about two sexy roommates competing at opposing local news stations. Hijinx ensue, as does a midseason cancellation.

AN UP-AND-COMER WHO WE KNEW WOULD BE DECENT BUT SUDDENLY EXPLODED INTO SUPERSTARDOM

Carrie Underwood

Athlete Equivalent: Adrian Peterson

Adrian Peterson ran over a bunch of guys in college and Carrie Underwood won American Idol. So what, right? Those types are a dime a dozen. Just ask Ron Dayne and Ruben Studdard. But a few prognosticators out there disagreed. They saw something special. They thought Peterson had NFL-ready talent and figured Underwood could dominate the ripe country music market. They were right. Peterson ate the universe for half a season and Underwood’s pumping out platinum records. Only time will tell if they’ll have Hall of Fame careers, but they’re sure starting strong.

TOO EARLY TO TELL, BUT STARTING OUT GREAT

Megan Fox, Hayden Panittiere, Rihanna

Athlete Equivalent: Dwight Howard

Just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re living up to the hype. Please, stay out of trouble. Maybe you could room with a vet like Heather Locklear when you’re on the road? She’d keep you away from the Lohans and Strawberries of the world.

SOLID YET UNSPECTULAR STAR WHO COULD HAVE A SHOT AT THE HALL SOMEDAY

Hilary Duff, Natalie Portman, Rachel McAdams, Mandy Moore, Keira Knightley

Athlete Equivalent: Chris Bosh

They do all the little things right; they make good career choices, avoid bad publicity and are generally likeable, attractive people. The downside: they’re boring. You’ll be hard pressed to find 360 dunks, naughty pics or sex scenes from this group. As a result, they could find themselves passed over for flashy types who flop their boobs all over the place and drop F-bombs on talk shows.

The Los Angeles Lakers trade Kobe Bryant to...

Trade winds are a blowin’. Kobe Bryant to the Bulls? The Pistons? The problem, as we all know, is that dealing Kobe means giving up your entire team. Kobe wants to be “dealt to a contender,” but the team he goes to gives up too much to remain one.

We decided to think outside the box. Maybe the Lakers should look beyond the NBA for the perfect trade…

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO THE CAST OF CSI: LAS VEGAS FOR WILLIAM PETERSON, MARG HELGENBERGER AND GARY DOURDAN

Vegas is up in arms over this one, claiming CBS pulled a Rob Babcock. Dealing Kobe for the entire core of the show? Disaster, right? CSI will trail The Biggest Loser in the ratings in no time, right? Wrong. Kobe’s new forensic analyst teammates greatly underestimate his knowledge about tampering with evidence. He’s always one step ahead of the bad guys, predicting how they cover up their crimes.

“It’s simple, Stokes,” he says. “You do something bad, you gotta clean up your mess. How do you do that? Buy your woman some jewelry.” His “gimme the damn case” mentality leads to 48 convictions, 34 of them stemming from busts outside jewelry stores.

The Lakers aren’t converted to an instant contender with this deal, but they certainly become deeper. Helgenberger’s long arms make her a blocking and rebounding machine; think Marcus Camby with tits. Gary “Warrick” Dourdan breaks opponents’ hearts with his three-balls. Peterson, meanwhile, ends up relegated to the bench. Chunky and sweaty, he just doesn’t have the fitness for the NBA. L.A.’s a deeper team, yes, but it lacks a true star after the deal and finishes 43-39, good for eighth in the West and a quick first-round ousting by the Mavs.

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO THE CIRCUS FOR TWO CLOWNS, TWO TRAPEZE ARTISTS, A SWORD SWALLOWER, AND A BEAR RIDING A MINIBIKE

As the heavy baseline of Snoop Dogg’s “Drop It Like It’s hot” pulsates through the audience, the ringmaster bellows to the crowd with great fervor: “Discovered in the depths of the concrete jungle, this magnificent creature is like no other. Majestic, graceful, it is a thing of beauty, never witnessed before the human eye… until now. Behold, The Great Flying Man!”

Pyrotechnics explode, strobe lights flash, and fog machines fill the arena with smoke. Seemingly out of thin air, Kobe emerges, unleashing a wicked 360 dunk on a basketball net strapped to an elephant’s face. His 12-minute dunking routine is a smash hit, but sadly, the circus is still plagued by the same problems as the Lakers. While people gladly pay full price to see Kobe perform, the circus gave up too much to compete with the likes of the Ringling Brothers or Cirque de Soleil.

The Lakers also struggle mightily with their new acquisitions. The clowns seem better suited for the Globetrotters, the trapeze artists can't capitalize on their tremendous athletic gifts, and the sword swallower is suspended after skipping a morning shootaround to get high with Luke Walton. The bear, which was thrown into the deal for salary cap purposes, turns out to be a steal, though. While his offensive skills leave much to be desired, he is a menacing defensive presence, chasing around smaller, quicker guards with his minibike and swatting balls away from the league’s best big men. His game-saving tearing in half of Tim Duncan in a December overtime game is a lock for Sportscenter’s Top 10 Plays of the Year.

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO MAMA’S SUPERMARKET FOR TWO CASHIERS, 36 BAGS OF RUFFLES ALL-DRESSED CHIPS, “BIG DAN” THE SHELF STOCKER AND FOUR POUNDS OF APPLES

Be patient, Laker fans. This deal looks ugly at first. Courtney and Haley, the 15-year-old cashiers, can’t handle L.A. They spend two weeks shopping and doing coke with Pauly Shore before they get homesick and their moms come to get them. The apples work out great at first, giving the team an energy boost, but they go bad after a few weeks, leaving only the Ruffles. Lamar Odom falls in love with the chips and balloons to 284 pounds as the Lakers struggle to a 30-52 season.

The silver lining: “Big Dan” the stockboy. His 73 I.Q. led to some bad decisions as a kid; he’s had four stops at juvenile detention centres already, including one for fracturing his geography teacher’s skull during a classroom fracas. But his 6’9’’, 260-pound frame, hustle and huge throwdowns make him a fan favourite in LaLa Land and a great guy to build around.

Mama’s Supermarket gets the shaft on this one. Kobe can’t count. His tills are always off. He also spends half his time flirting with slutty Kristin from the produce department.

THE LOST ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO THE PRICE IS RIGHT FOR DREW CAREY

A complete disaster. The crosstown deal seemingly favored The Price is Right, which acquired a young, famous, charismatic personality to fill Bob Barker’s shoes. The trade looks particularly lopsided when Carey becomes ill during warmups at his first game:

“Oh, gee, fellas. I’m not feeling so good…I better sit down. Shouldn’t have had that second chili dog! Haha…ha…cough. My arm hurts.”

What could slow Kobe in a situation perfectly suited to his talents? Two words: Barker’s Beauties.

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO THE WILSON FAMILY FOR GLENN, MARY, ZACK AND HEATHER

Great deal for the Lakers. Glenn, a chiropractor, chips in five points a game off the bench thanks to the hook shot that won him an Illinois state championship in ’71 and he doubles as the team doctor. Mary’s pot roast makes road trips feel like home. Heather gets an ego after her boob job but puts the other Laker girls to shame. Zack’s razzle-dazzle dribbling and crisp passing make him the closest thing to a true point guard the Lakers have had in years; his acne is forgivable. The Wilsons carry the Lakers to a 64-18 season and an NBA finals berth.

Poor baby Kaley Wilson. Stuck with Kobe as her dad. After a few days, Kobe’s feeling good. He likes cuddling a baby while watching satellite TV all day. Then reality kicks in. Kaley’s anus begins to stink and rot after Kobe doesn’t change her diaper for two days. The neighbours complain about the smell and Kaley’s in foster care before the week is up.

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO GHOSTBUSTERS FOR PETER VENKMAN, RAY STANTZ AND WINSTON ZEDDEMORE

A win-win deal. The Lakers are energized by their new triumvirate. Ray’s goofy enthusiasm and Peter’s dry wit keep the locker room light and loose, a nice change of pace from Black Mamba’s steely demeanour. Winston, meanwhile, who was asked before joining the Ghostbusters if he believes in ghosts and replied “If there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe in anything you say,” quietly buys into the system and does the dirty work, so long as he’s paid on time. A surprisingly resurgent Lakers squad goes on a tear, finishing third in the West before bowing out in the conference final. Next season seems the most promising in years.

The new Ghostbusters squad also thrives. Kobe and Egon share a chemistry not seen since Stockton and Malone’s prime. A brains-and-brawn combo, this new dynamic duo plays off each others’ strengths. Kobe’s raw athleticism makes it difficult for even the nastiest supernatural baddie to pin him down; when he's in trouble, Egon bails his partner out with a crazy new gadget. Sharing interests when not at work – including spores, molds and fungus – only improves their rapport. Kobe and Slimer don’t get along, though. They put aside their differences to take down ghosts, but tensions rise when Slimer trashes Kobe in a newspaper interview.

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO BOB’S PETTING ZOO FOR A GOAT, TWO HORSES, A PYTHON AND A SHEEP.

Textbook win-win deal here. Obviously, the Lakers shoot up the standings after this one. The horses run the floor like no one the NBA has ever seen. The sheep creates special unis that keep the players warm at all times. “Rex,” the 30-foot python, is a terrifying low post presence; no one goes near him. He forces every team onto the perimeter. Are the Lakers trailing? No problem. “What time is it, Laker fans? I SAID…what time is it? IT’S…..GOAT…TIME!!!!!!!” The goat goes berserk, nipping at opposing players’ jerseys and throwing off their timing. We smell an NBA championship.

Bob’s petting zoo ain’t complaining. Kobe quadruples ticket sales. Just don’t let your daughters get too close to the fence.

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO BROADWAY FOR THE CAST OF CATS

The deal makes no sense for the Lakers, who acquire a bunch of bodies equally moody, temperamental and independent as Kobe. The cast purrs, combs its fur, prances around the court, and causes a fuss like Adam Morrison. Still, it’s unfair to assess the trade this season, as a key component, Mr. Mistoffelees, is placed on injured reserve after shattering his jaw on a vicious Dwight Howard elbow.

Kobe is a steal for Broadway, however. While his impressive dance moves are no surprise, given his athletic ability, critics are wowed by his booming voice. Dubbed the Michael Jordan of the stage, Kobe writes and stars in the hit musical “Love in Fifth Gear: The Rory Philback Story,” about a down-on-his-luck mechanic who makes a deal with a magic prairie dog to become a star F1 driver and win over the girl of his dreams.

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO THE KINDERGARTEN CLASS AT ST. JOSEPHINE’S ELEMENTARY SCHOOL FOR JENNY, CHRIS, TAYLOR, MAGGIE AND MRS. CHANG.

Looks great on paper but isn’t a good fit for either team. Sure, Kobe’s highlight reel dunks over four year-olds are good for a YouTube compilation or two, but they get old. And he really struggles with the cursive writing lesson. He just doesn’t want to be there.

The Kindergartners force L.A. into a rebuilding phase. Jenny and Maggie don’t know what basketball is yet. Taylor spends games eating paste in the custodian’s closet of the Staples Center. Upon learning there are no cookies in the pre-game meal, Chris demands a trade. Not all is lost, however. Andrew Bynum falls in love with Mrs. Chang and they move to Hawaii to open a pottery store.

The comic book heroes football dream team

Let’s get this out of the way: yes, we’re freaking goobers. But you can’t tell us you didn’t read comic books or at least watch Saturday morning cartoons as a kid. Perhaps we’ve taken it a bit too far by creating a faux football team based on comic book characters and what they’re best suited to play in the NFL, with the only caveat being nobody is allowed to use their flying powers. Perhaps you can go to hell.

And yes, we had sex once. It was okay. She’s probably had better.

HEAD COACH

Forget Dick Vermeil’s crying or Bill Cowher’s menacing glare. No one can top King Leonidas' motivational power. He’s the ultimate players’ coach. He’s fought in the trenches. We’re not talking “Ok, fellas, let’s go now, all day!” We’re talking “TONIGHT…WE DINE…IN HELLLLLL!” How terrifying is that? The Spartans made a ridiculous goal line stand in Hell’s Gate, so something tells us Leonidas’ D-line could stuff Brandon Jacobs at the one.

QUARTERBACK

Easy choice here. You could argue the concept of a quarterback is modelled after Superman in the first place. He’s a tall, strong farm boy with a chiselled jaw and wholesome family values. Great with the media, absolute canon for an arm, tough enough to hang in the pocket and absorb any hit but also a major threat to take off. Naturally, Captain America would back him up.

RUNNING BACK

You’ll be hard-pressed to find more toughness and grit in a runner than Wolverine. While he lacks true breakaway speed, his agility and quickness make him a perfect fit for our one-cut, zone blocking scheme (if it can make Olandis Gary a star, Wolverine should be partying in Honolulu every February). His healing powers make injuries a non-concern, and with an adamantium exoskeleton, worn-out defenders will be complaining in the fourth quarter that “It hurts to tackle this guy.”

FULLBACK

He’s a little tall and lean for a fullback, but Iron Man’s strength-and-speed combination make him an ideal blocker out of the backfield. Watch out; we’ll even throw him a pass or two around the goal line.

WIDE RECEIVER

Spider-Man’s leaping ability and sticky hands are unparalleled; he’s a Sunday night Sportscenter staple on his way to shattering every NFL receiving record like Joe Theismann’s leg. Think it’s worth taking the skinny arachnid out with a cheap shot? Good luck getting around his spider sense.

His lack of superpowers hasn't stopped him from putting away some of the world’s most ruthless villains. Why would it bother Batman on the gridiron? Diligence in the film room – though some label it paranoia – ensure the Dark Knight is always in the right place at the right time. A tough guy who battles through injuries, Batman leads our team in receptions and is a key third-down target, creating yards after the catch when he looks all but doomed (think Anquan Boldin). Of course, his frail human body will eventually give out, but the man who prepares for any scenario will simply start patrolling the sidelines, undoubtedly becoming his generation’s Bill Walsh or Clark Shaughnessy.

Our third receiver, The Flash, is a feared deep threat. Usually working out of the slot, his blinding speed is just enough for us to put up with his terrible hands (it’s him or Devery Henderson).

OFFENSIVE LINE

Our squad employs the trendy zone-blocking scheme popularized by the Denver Broncos, so we’ve gone with a relatively undersized squad of Colossus, Juggernaut, Thor, Rhino, and The Thing. Still, these guys all pack a mean punch and suit their individual positions well. Colossus and the Thing line up at tackle, with the tall, long Ruskie manning the left side to handle the league’s most feared speed rushers and The Thing being your typical, right-side mauler. Juggernaut and Rhino are most effective on the move, so they play guard where they can run traps or pull (think of Lombardi’s old power sweeps). Thor gets the call in the middle. The Thing defines the unit with his gruff, blue-collar mentality.

TIGHT END

We’ve gone with a lighter, mobile offensive line, so we’ve eschewed a pass-catching tight end for a more traditional run blocker. That’s where Sandman comes in. While his season receiving stats are modest at 16 catches, 142 yards and a pair of scores, run defenders are flummoxed every time they line Wolverine up in their sights only to be levelled by a rock-solid wall.

DEFENSIVE END

Playing in a blinding rage, The Incredible Hulk is widely regarded as the league’s most intense player. A threat to stop the run or rush the quarterback, Hulk’s forced fumbles, multi-sack performances, and Dikembe Mutombo-like swatted passes into the nosebleeds are worth the occasional roughing the passer penalty. Sabertooth is a physical specimen, but it’s his tenacity that makes him a nice compliment to the big green monster.

DEFENSIVE TACKLE

Kingpin is a big, sloppy, sluggish man who never rushes the passer but swallows up any tailback dumb enough to run at him. Not afraid to eye gouge or sling mud in someone’s eyes, either.

LINEBACKERS

Beast, a defensive captain, heads this terrifying unit. Venom and Lizard run wild, Shawne Merriman style, attacking the passer, trucking ball carriers left and right, getting loads of facemask penalties and showboating like crazy after every tackle. Beast, meanwhile, never gets caught out of position and isn’t afraid to call audibles if he doesn’t like what he sees. The wild card: Dr. Otto Octavius. While his weak, flabby frame makes him useless if you put a hat on him, he’s unstoppable if he has room; swim move with one arm, trying to strip the ball with another, wrapping up the quarterback with two more arms. No one tries play action or draw plays with Doc Ock on the field, as he has a tentacle on the quarterback and running back simultaneously during every play fake. He’d be an absolute nightmare for holding calls, though.

CORNERBACKS

These guys give opposing offenses fits. Carson Palmer thinks Chad Johnson has a step on his man, but Nightcrawler just disappears and reappears on top of Ocho Cinco. You can’t catch Daredevil napping, as he senses where Housh and the ball are at all times. Finally, Palmer thinks he has a seam and fires a laser to Chris Henry, but the ball stops in mid air and starts hurtling in the opposite direction. Gus Johnson makes the crazy call:

“Picked off by the Invisible Woman! Oh my goodness! WHERE IS SHE? And…pushed out of bounds at the 10, Comic Book Heroes football.”

SAFETIES

It’s just not fair. Mr. Fantastic gets a hand on any pass within 20 yards of him, so he can cover the split end, then stretch an arm across the field and whack down a ball thrown to the flanker. Wonder Woman can end a career in a second. She explodes anyone with the balls to make a catch over the middle. Better yet, she uses her truth-inducing magic lasso to make O-linemen tip her off before the snap. “Sigh…it’s a play-action deep post, ma’am.”

PUNTER

Coffin corner for Bullseye every time. Every time.

KICKER

We have no idea if Mr. Freeze can kick, but he’s got ice in his veins and that’s good enough for us.

RETURNER

The Flash, of course.

TRICK PLAY SPECIALISTS

“Forth and 17, Comic Book Heroes on their own 40….time for one more play, down by six, they need a miracle…Superman, drops back…..pump fakes and ducks under Richard Seymour….he…THROWS THE BALL STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR….what the….OH MY GOODNESS, A GIANT CLOUD OF SMOKE….and….snakes…SNAKES ARE FALLING FROM THE RAFTERS! And…what the, one of the snakes turns into a football…it’s…..it’s Comic Heroes’ ball! And…it’s MYSTERIO…MYSTERIO HAS IT….HE LOOKS DEEP….UNLOADS…..AND….OHHHHHHHHH.!!!! AHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RIDDLER! WIDE OPEN! 20, 10, TOUCHDOWWWWWWWNNNN! COMIC BOOK HEROES WIN! COMIC BOOK HEROES WIN! COMIC BOOK HEROES WIN! DO….YOU….BELIEVE IT!?!

SPECIAL TEAMS ACES

In terms of talent, they don’t measure up to their teammates. But Kraven the Hunter and Robin both show enough desire and hustle to contribute on special teams. Kraven’s animal-like instincts make him an ideal candidate to bust open wedges. The diminutive Robin gets shoved all over the field when covering punts, but he’s a fearless competitor who quickly becomes a fan favourite.

GENERAL MANAGER

Lex Luthor

TEAM BUS

Optimus Prime

Our fizzin', poppin' NFL midseason review

Coke and Pepsi. The unquestioned soft drink champions of the universe. The world’s greatest scientists and philosophers have debated for centuries which bubbly beverage is truly No. 1. All we know for sure is that, like the New England Patriots and Indianapolis Colts, both drinks stand above the rest. Where does each NFL team fit into the cutthroat world of beverages? Read on, from worst to first.

CREAM SODA

Atlanta, Miami, New York Jets, St. Louis

Remember when you were in elementary school and someone would host a party in his basement? His parents stocked the place with Doritos and a 24-mixer pack of pop? You’d turn the sound way up on the TV so the parents wouldn’t hear you guys playing Spin the Bottle or Seven Minutes in Heaven? And at the end of the night, most of the pop was gone, save for three or four pink cans, plus two or three more pink cans that were still half full because somebody said “Crap, they’re out of ginger ale? I guess I’ll try one of these,” had a few sips, and left it for dead? That was Cream Soda.

MOUNTAIN DEW

Oakland

“Groossss, Mountain Dew. Oh God, it’s so horrible. I hear it reduces your sperm count. And how annoying is it that it’s so ‘Xtreme?’” Blah blah blah. We get it. Mountain Dew sucks. But you know what? It’s been so trendy to bash Moutain Dew over the years that piling onto the yellow stuff has officially gotten out of hand. Don’t you think Mountain Dew is better than its record? It’s bad. But it’s not that bad.

ROCKSTAR ENERGY DRINK

San Francisco

Where are you now, Rockstar? Everyone thought it was the next big thing, the new energy drink powerhouse. Then everyone remembered that one trashy, unhealthy energy drink on the market was more than enough. “Oh yeah, Rockstar is disgusting.” Kinda like San Fran’s passing game.

SPRITE

Chicago, Denver, Philadelphia, Cincinnati

What the hell happened? Was it just a well-oiled hype machine that had us “obeying our thirst”? The days of Bears defense, the Denver running game, Donovan McNabb, the resurgent Bengals and Grant Hill commercials are gone. “Image is nothing,” and so are these teams.

A CHEAP CASE OF BEER WITH A FREE T-SHIRT INSIDE

Minnesota

Looking for a good time? Stay away from the cheap case of booze that will invariably give you a severe hangover and a bloody rectum thanks to two days on your “beeriod.” Then again, it does come with that free Adrian Peterson T-shirt…

RED BULL

Houston

Zip! Zap! Pow! After slamming one of these puppies, you have “wings,” right? Well, for a few fleeting moments. Then reality kicks in and you crash. Hard. Now you’re exhausted, it’s 2 a.m. and your plan to complete your essay via all-nighter looks pretty stupid.

NO NAME COLA

Kansas City

It’s a piece of shit and everyone knows it, but it keeps on trucking. There will always be that divorced single dad out there who tosses a case of it into the trunk of his Firebird, hoping to give his kids a cheap, sugary thrill on the one day a week he gets to see them.

“But Dad, we want Coke!” shriek the little brats.

“What the hell do you want me to do about it,” replies an angry Carl Peterson. “Do you know how much alimony your mother is bleeding me for? This is all your fault anyway, you little shits.”

GATORADE

New Orleans

It’s pretty jazzy and popular. There’s loads of hype surrounding it. Naturally, your expectations are pretty high as you slam it back. But something’s wrong. The sugary liquid bloats you and you feel surprisingly sluggish. You trudge to the gym for your lunch-hour basketball game with your office buddies, wishing you could take a nap instead. Could this be the supposed superdrink you’ve heard so much about? You huff and puff for 10 minutes, turning over the ball repeatedly, tossing up bricks and drawing eye-rolls from your teammates. Wait. A few more minutes pass and you feel…refreshed. Pulsing with energy, your electrolytes replenished, you start trash talking the other team. You grab the rock and dunk over Glenn, that smarmy douchebag from marketing who wears the headband and the D-Wade jersey.

FRESCA

Buffalo, Carolina, Arizona

In a word, “meh.” What else can you say about Fresca? It’s not bad, really, but it isn’t good, either. It’s just…there. You won’t order it in a restaurant or find it at parties, but every once in a while, it pops up in a hotel minibar. You down it and a bag of almonds, watch Conan, hit the sack and forget about it the next morning. With its fizzy, fruity taste, it has enough going for it that it won’t go out of business, but that’s about it. It won’t be making a run at the big boys any time soon.

ORANGE CRUSH

San Diego, Baltimore, Seattle

“And what would you like to drink, sir?” asks the Applebee’s waitress. “Ugh… I’m so sick of Pepsi and Coke,” you think to yourself, wincing in the direction of the fountain pop machine as if your squinted eyes will force it into answering for you. “I’ll have a Pep—actually, I’ll have an Orange Crush.” An Orange Crush? Why go for something tried-and-true when you can gamble on the trendy pick? Inevitably, it blows up in your face. “I should have just asked for Coke,” you sigh between bites of Chicken Parmesan. Something tells us you’ll be changing your order when the waitress comes around with refills.

ROOT BEER

Jacksonville, Washington

Though it doesn’t belong in the upper echelon of drinks, root beer is a respected and generally well-liked beverage. Admittedly, it’s incomplete; while it makes for a great float, you can’t really mix it with alcohol and there are numerous occasions where it’d be inappropriate to order one. Still, despite its limitations, root beer will always hang above the middle-of-the-pack drinks and, given the right circumstances, can actually be quite satisfying.

DR. PEPPER

Detroit, Tennessee, Cleveland, Tampa Bay

Mind-blowing. Just mind-blowing. Who the fuck drinks Dr. Pepper? Seriously, WHO DRINKS IT? Yet it’s somehow stumbled upon pretty big commercial success despite its arguably horrible taste. What exactly is it? Root beer? Mint cola? Regardless, what we have here is a fluke. A crappy, college-dropout scientist – let’s call him “Dr. Millen” – screwed around with his chemistry set in his garage and wound up with a drink that some crazy, idiotic people out there like.

ICED TEA

Dallas, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, New York Giants

Are they the supreme drink juggernauts of the universe? No. But they sure as hell deserve respect. Lots of people drink iced tea, and with good reason. It’s a refreshing drink with few flaws. For all we know, it could beat out Coke and Pespi in the odd random taste test or poll. Especially if you poll a bunch of old guys who’ve “been drinkin’ iced tea since the days of Bart Starr and Roger Staubauch.”

COKE AND PEPSI

New England and Indianapolis

The ultimate fate of those two teams has yet to be determined; after all, despite fair evidence against it, a valid argument can be made that Pepsi (Indy) is still actually better than Coke (New England). It just depends on who you ask. Either way, you’re best off ordering one of these instead of getting crazy and trying the Strawberry-Kiwi Frutopia.