Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Selig not present for Bonds’ home run; Commissioner was at home watching Everybody Loves Raymond

As speculated, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig wasn’t present to witness Barry Bonds’ historic home run last night. Instead, he was at home watching sitcom television.

“I didn’t even see the home run on TV, to be honest,” Selig told reporters this morning. “I was watching Everybody Loves Raymond with [my wife] Suzanne.

Selig elaborated.

“It was the one where Raymond gets jealous because he goes to Robert’s apartment and there’s a bunch of pretty girls there,” he said. “It was a goodie.”

The commissioner has endured criticism for his handling of the Bonds situation and for not being present when he hit No. 756. Last night, Selig sent executive vice president Jimmie Lee Solomon and Hall of Famer Frank Robinson in his place, and there were rumours that if Bonds didn’t homer last night, the Mariner Moose – Seattle’s mascot that made headlines last week after clipping Red Sox Coco Crisp with an ATV – would have been chosen as a representative in an effort to mock Bonds.

The surly slugger waved off the Mariner Moose allegations.

“I don’t care about a moose,” Bonds said. “[The media], you guys come in here with your questions about all these things and you don’t even have any proof. You’re not in my shoes, Ok? You don’t know me; you don’t know who I am as a person.

“I’m just trying to concentrate on baseball and helping my team win, Ok? I don’t care about all these false allegations or these mooses. I don’t even like dessert.”

Selig wouldn’t comment on the Mariner Moose, though he did try to justify missing last night’s game.

“To be honest, Suzanne and I got to share some intimate relations last night, and it’s something we don’t get to do often,” Selig said. “She thinks Robert [Barone, Raymond's brother] is a cutie and that gets her fired up a little bit. I’m so busy with my ‘day job’ I just don’t have time.

“Plus, Viagra gives me the runs the next day. It takes a Herculean effort by me for us to have relations. I’m glad we were able to do that last night.”

Bonds didn’t seem to care whether the commissioner was there or not.

“[Selig] is a grown man, he can do what he wants,” Bonds said. “If he wants to stay home and watch Everybody Loves Raymond, that’s fine. It’s a good show.”

Bonds also said he wants to start convincing people his standoffish persona “wasn’t really him,” and that deep down, he’s really a nice guy.

“I’ve known since I got into this league I was going to break that record,” Bonds said. “That’s a lot of pressure and it really wore thin on me. That’s why sometimes I act like such a jerk. The last couple of weeks, with the end in sight, you guys have to admit I’ve acted pretty nice.

“I just hope I can change that perception since it’s all over.

“Now get the fuck away from my locker.”

Bonds then punched a female reporter in the gut and threw a teammate’s infant son into a trash can.

Selig said he will miss tonight’s scheduled meeting with baseball chief steroid investigator George Mitchell because the Women’s Entertainment network is running a Dharma & Greg marathon.

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