Douchemeter: Summer

Each Monday, we review the douche-iest things in sports:

1. SUMMER – Yes, we get it. Flowers ‘n’ boobs ‘n’ patios ‘n’ barbeques rock. Wooo, summer, OMG, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up. We can only pretend to get excited over Nationals/Marlins games and Steve Stricker putts for so long. We want the NHL, NFL and NBA back. We’re sick of sports in which players can drink a glass of gravy every morning and still be in “game shape.”

2. THE WOMAN WRITING A BOOK ABOUT SCORING A NASCAR DRIVER -- Liz Allen is writing a book about picking up NASCAR drivers. Where do we begin (besides ramming a Phillips head screwdriver into our foreheads)? First, she's not exactly doing feminism any favours. Second, NASCAR drivers? Read that over again real slow-like: NASCAR drivers. Want a pick-up tip? Find the nearest NASCAR driver, shotgun a Budweiser, crush the can on your head, flash him the hot new tan lines you got when you passed out in a field at last weekend’s bush party, and try not to act too surprised when your husband-to-be waddles over and asks your name.

3. SPORTS WRITERS ACROSS THE CONTINENT – Did you like College Invasion 4? Just open up any newspaper, flip the sports page and scan the Pats/Jets game story. Writers can’t cram Randy Moss’ penis into their mouths fast enough. Not that we didn’t verbally deep-throat him yesterday as we watched the game, but fuck all the writers who dissed Moss this off-season. They’re like that bookworm chick who condemns chauvinists but goes on a sperm search with the entire Texas Tech O-line in the bathroom after a couple Jagerbombs.

4. THE PGA – Which of these doesn’t belong? Green Jacket, Claret Jug, Fedex Cup. Which of these doesn’t belong? Moon landing, Berlin Wall falling, the Holocaust (Germans, you’re excluded from this debate). The Fedex Cup? Have you seen the commercials? “IT’S THE PLAYOFFS.” The golf playoffs? Complete with a point system? Come on. What a pathetic attempt to duplicate NASCAR’s Chase for the Nextel Cup. Trailer trash will fall for crappy commercialized gimmicks; they’d be just as excited if it was the Whiskas Cup. But golf fans? For shame, PGA.

5. KEV THE INTERN – There are those who get by on the minimum possible effort to survive in their given trade and there are those who go the extra mile, putting their heart and soul into their work and always staying prepared even during “time off.” Can you guess which category Kev fits into? We’ll give you a hint. He kept up on his SOJP homework during our hiatus with:
- 0.0 submissions to our inbox
- 2.0 visits to Taco Bell
- 1.0 tickets to The Nanny Diaries
- 1.0 bags of gummy bears
- 5.0 episodes watched of Ellen
- 1.0 viewings of Mr. Wrong
- 2.5 masturbating sessions to Ellen DeGeneres
- 3.0 visits to Pottery Barn
Keep up the good work, Kev. Tell you what: we’ll stick with you as long as the Bears stick with Rex Grossman.

6. THE BASEBALL THAT EXPLODED JUAN ENCARNACION’S EYE – Encarnacion recently experienced a “career setback” when he was drilled in the eye by a foul ball. The Cardinals outfielder already had poor plate discipline, so we’re going to guess losing a peeper won’t help. What? It’s cold and despicable to make light of this serious situation? Hey, asshole – last time we checked, he lost his ability to watch movies in 3-D, not his sense of humour.

7. WHOEVER SUSPENDED KYLE GARCHAR – Garchar, a senior at Hilliard Davidson High School in Columbus, OH., spent 20 hours over three days planning a prank that resulted in crosstown rival Hilliard Darby High fans spelling out “We suck” at a football game. And even though it was Darby fans who were morons, Garchar was suspended. Do school officials not realize how much work he put into this thing? The average high school kid’s science fair project is a crappy “erupting” volcano. Garchar is launching complex and hilarious schemes at a university level. Shouldn’t he be rewarded?

8. CAMERON MORFIT –

“To watch Tiger woods is to be reminded of one of the better lines of the 1995 movie Apollo 13: ‘If they could get a washing machine to fly,’ says Blanche Lovell, ‘my Jimmy could land it.’ So it is with Tiger and golf. Hatch a competition like nothing else, make the rules as opaque as possible, and Woods is going to find a way to win it.

Apparently, Morfit took some time off from reorganizing his Encyclopedia Britannica collection and mounted set of rare dried butterfly carcasses to watch a round of golf. We can’t just call that line a stretch. It’s way beyond it. It’s Mr. Fantastic. Can we even top that if we try? Hmmm…

The dunk by LeBron James was reminiscent of the 1988 Disney film Oliver and Company, in which Cheech Marin, voicing Tito the Chihuahua, utters the line, “If this is torture…chain me to the wall.” James’ athletic prowess is the opposite of torture. We want to be subjected to it endlessly.

…nope, Morfit wins.

9. THE 100-METRE WORLD RECORD – Asafa Powell ran a 9.74s Sunday, becoming the latest sprinter in the last decade to sleep with that whore better known as the 100-metre world record.

What happened to you, 100-metre world record? You used to be a classy gal, a wholesome, long-term relationship type everyone wanted to be with. You’d only date the best of the best, even dumping Ben Johnson when he cheated on you. Now that you’ll let anyone have you, you’re just another broad with runs in your stockings and cold sores around various body orifices.


10. MICHIGAN – You are shit. That is all.