SOJP Classics: Alternate jobs for NFL head coaches

You have to love NFL head coaches. Perhaps more than any other sport’s leaders, they’re caricatures – larger than life personalities who pop up in the media constantly.

We’re so used to seeing their usually ugly, often animated faces that we began wondering – if we ran into these guys in the street not knowing who they were, what occupation would we think they had?

Bill Simmons recently hammered the nail on the head when he said Seattle coach Mike Holmgren “should be wearing a sheriff’s outfit and buying donuts.” But we think Dallas’ Wade Phillips deserves a vote, too. While Holmgren would work to maintain order, Phillips would straddle the line of good and evil as he prowls the Interstate.

Picture Wade (above) pulling over poor 19-year-old Billy Bob and girlfriend Lucy on a dark country road:

"Well loookeeeee. What do we have here....looks like we gots ourself a cowboy, drivin' real fast. And (Pulls out nightstick…smash!) Oooowee! Looks like his tail light's out too. And by golly, that's a pretty lady you got with ya. What’s your name? Sweetheart? I bet you taste like a juicy strawberry."

Today’s Thursday Challenge? Name 20 NFL coaches and their alternate job possibilities. Giddy up!

Mike McCarthy, Green Bay Packers: Crappy, low-end mob henchman who Batman beats up easily.

McCarthy: OK Bats, bring it on…I tackled guys bigger than you in college ball.”

(Batman grabs McCarthy, throws him down flight of stairs)

Batman: …Guess your team finished in the basement.

McCarthy: ungh….

Other possibilities: delivery guy

Lane Kiffin, Oakland Raiders: star of made-for-TV movie Face of an Angel, Heart of a Demon about an average but strangely distant sales rep accused of murder after a dozen dead prostitutes are found in his tool shed; based on “true events”

Jack Del Rio, Jacksonville Jaguars: Sales rep who brings a jock mentality to the job. “Let’s fucking close this. BOO-YAH!”

He calls himself “Jackie Boy,” speaks in third-person, and claims he can go shot for shot with anyone at the bar.

After he narrowly edges out slutty cougar Janine in a drink-off at the office Christmas party, he stumbles into an alley, followed by his cronies, who hang on his every word. He pukes on the ground. When junior sales rep Todd comes to his aid, he grabs Todd.

“Get…OFF me you fuck!” He busts Todd’s nose with a vicious right, then throws him into a puddle and stomps on him a few times. The other sales guys are mortified.

“You didn’t see NOTHIN!” Del Rio says. “You didn’t see nothin’.”

He lurches off into the night, breathing like a hungry animal.

Ken Whisenhunt, Arizona Cardinals: Head guard at a maximum security prison who takes secret money handouts and beats inmates in public to display his power. “You gonna cry? Shutup. You’re in Hell now, boy. And I’m Satan, understand? Three days in the hole!”

Sean Payton, New Orleans Saints: full-of-shit athletic store clerk who doesn’t really know what he’s talking about – will try to sell you golf gloves when you asked for batting gloves; wears visor on the job; working on commission, tries to stay hip with shoe-shopping teenagers by altering his lingo when they ask for a particular size: “Let me hook you up with that, man.”

Lovie Smith, Chicago Bears: old, wise custodian in a movie about a youth struggling to find his way in life; despite his socially frowned-upon job status, offers valuable guidance that puts the protagonist on the path to self-fulfillment

Other possibilities: kindly store clerk, grave digger who you think is a homicidal maniac but turns out to be a nice guy who's just really shy

Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles: hotdog/chip truck vendor who wears an apron and paper hat

Other possibilities: crappy guard in prison movie who gets killed first during the riot scene

Eric Mangini, New York Jets: good natured but clueless guidance counselor who thinks he’s making a difference at the local high school but is actually a joke.

“Fuck, I have to see old man Mangini today. I don’t think I’m gonna show up. Or maybe I can distract him with a bag of Oreos and make a break for it.”

Brad Childress, Minnesota Vikings: pedophile

Other possibilities: camp counsellor; kindergarten teacher; baby sitter; catholic priest

Mike Nolan, San Francisco 49ers: Our conversation went like this:

Larkin: Hmm… Nolan, he’s pretty cool. Maybe he’d be a renegade army guy. A general? A platoon leader?

Hurk: Yeah, but he dresses well; he’s not a jarhead. I see him wearing a dress uniform and being kind of stressed out, always rubbing his face, because the generals make him carry out orders that he finds morally conflicting – does he follow orders or do the right thing?

Larkin: See, I don’t know. I think his face is tough looking. I think he’d be more of the decorated general covered in medals or something.

Hurk: Oh, I still see him with the medals; I see him fairly high up, just not at the top. But he still has the honour. Maybe at the end he goes against orders to do the right thing, but it pans out and he becomes general!

Dick Jauron, Buffalo Bills: zombie

Other possibilities: socially outcast undertaker, extra in “Thriller” video

Brian Billick, Baltimore Ravens: washed up action hero who used to ride motorbikes, get chicks, and “be the best,” but now he’s an aging alcoholic living in a houseboat. When the modern action hero needs help, he calls upon Billick for “one last ride.” Billick grabs his sawed-off shotgun and gives glory one more shot.

Other possibilities: executive for a relatively small telecommunications company, but a real hot shot. Thinks he can get away with anything. Major violator of inner-office harassment policy. Tells Judy her “tits look great today” and tries to justify it because he was “giving her a compliment.” Gets slapped with a lawsuit and he’s dumbfounded, as if everyone else is crazy.

Jeff Fisher, Tennessee Titans: host of weekly, low-budget fishing show on cable

Rod Marinelli, Detroit Lions: girls high school track and field coach who gets “a little too close” to the ladies, often exchanging hugs or massaging their cramped legs; parents say there’s “something about that Mr. Marinelli” but are too uncomfortable to truly broach the subject

Romeo Crennel, Cleveland Browns: Chef at a grillhouse who always gets caught eating the food. His specialty: deep-fried banana-bacon waffles.

Other possibilities: fat-yet-strong professional mover who wears coveralls and sweats a lot; smokey pool hall manager who gives youths advice to keep them out of trouble; bartender in a tough part of town who wears a towel over his shoulder and tells scrappers to “take it outside.”

Herm Edwards, Kansas City Chiefs: office manager who always delivers ridiculous speeches like “You’re killing me, guys. Killing me. We gotta pick it up now!” for mundane stuff like forgetting to call the copier repair guy so now he won’t be here until four; laughs too hard at his own bad jokes, slaps the back of guy next to him; entire staff hates him

Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers: wannabe-hardass high school principal who commands no respect and gets pelted with paper airplanes during assemblies.

Other possibilities: politician rocked by scandal (weakness for the flesh)

Cam Cameron, Miami Dolphins: host of Action News at 6 on Rochester 4

Other possibilities: bullshit self-help guru, televangelist

Tony Dungy, Indianapolis Colts: creepy background character in a gangster or prison movie; quiet and wiry, he is covered in tattoos and always wears a wife-beater; nicknamed “Whisper” because of his quiet demeanour and silent killing method of knives; in one gruesome scene, stabs a guy in the stomach and spills his guts everywhere. Then licks some blood off the knife

SOJP Classics

Since we won't be posting new content in the next couple of days, we figured we'd throw up some "SOJP Classics" a couple of times a week over the next little while. A cheap cop out? Yes. An effective tactic enabling us to spend all day faux-tailgating in preparation for Packers-Cowboys tonight? Yes.

Speaking of which, today's piece is a Thursday Challenge from mid-July that lists 41 reasons we were excited for the upcoming NFL season. Much of our list rings true, including No. 40: "being so desperate for website content that we have to write absurdly inane lists about leagues that don’t begin for two months." Ha! Why write inane lists when you can just reprint them? Enjoy.

Is it just us, or is the summertime sports schedule blander than a two-hour video of Tim Duncan eating Melba toast?

We love baseball as much as anyone, but enough of the monotony; we need a little flavour in our lives. One can only take so much of watching Josh Towers pitch every five days or Sportscentre leading off with Tour de France coverage.

As such, Larkin challenged Hurk to list 41 random reasons to look forward to the NFL’s return.

“Forty-one reasons,” mocked Hurk. “Surely, you underestimate me.”

1. The first time Sportscentre shows this.

2. The first time a head coach tops this.

3. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann.

4. Watching the next chapter of Eli Manning’s gradual mental breakdown as he continues realizing he’s not his brother and he hates football.

5. Watching an artery in Tom Coughlin’s head explode during an interview with Bonnie Bernstein, showering the reporter’s shirt with blood. B-squared is forced to finish the broadcast topless.

6. Mike Holmgren missing most of the third quarter against Philadelphia because he ate four cheesesteaks before the game and couldn’t get off the can.

7. Edgerrin James committing suicide after his request for a trade to Indy is denied.

8. The Bengals signing Andy Reid’s kids.

9. Cris Collinsworth calling decisions “inexcusable” and being in complete disbelief every time someone does something stupid.

10. Herm Edwards trying to manage the clock.

11. Steve McNair being hit and losing control of his bowels on the field. We can only pray he’ll be wearing white pants.

12. Bill Simmons’ stubborn refusal to acknowledge LaDainian Tomlinson as LT.

13. Analysts’ stubborn refusal to compare white receivers to black receivers (“Kevin Curtis really reminds me of Ed McCaffrey”) .

14. A formal apology from Minneapolis police after bringing in Brad Childress on kiddie-diddlin’ charges.

15. Roger Goodell tightening his dictatorial grip on the league and throwing himself a Hitler-esque midseason parade.

16. The late-season flexible schedule.

17. Hitting Ralph Wilson Stadium for Bills-Pats and our buddy Malcolm, a Buffalo fan, getting trashed off three beers. Inside, he’ll comment that he didn’t know the Bills got new uniforms, which he thinks are terrible -- while New England is warming up.

18. Jerome Bettis getting so fat he’ll have to work from his own studio, which is really just a large pile of soiled mattresses surrounded by cameras.

19. Jeremy Shockey patronizing somebody’s culture, race, religion, sexual orientation, fashion sense or pet, then dropping three balls in his next game.

20. Games that actually affect the bigger picture.

21. When people start trying to justify why their surefire sleeper teams didn’t make the playoffs (see: 2006 Arizona Cardinals, 2007 Detroit Lions).

22. LenDale White suffering a heart attack and dying on the field after this fourth consecutive carry. Ron Dayne sympathizes.

23. Chris Henry drawing a gun from his handwarmer and shooting Ed Reed in the face on route to the end zone in his Week 10 return against Baltimore. During the ensuing celebration, Henry is stabbed in the kidney and killed. No killer is found, though Ray Lewis is quickly whisked away in a field cart after the incident and claims to have seen nothing.

24. Ocho Cinco.

25. Searching for Jake Plummer’s replacement as my new favourite whipping boy (I’m watching you, Jake Delhomme).

26. Jon Gruden effectively ending my search by coaxing Jake Plummer out of retirement in Week 4 (cross your fingers!).

27. Michael Vick. Anything to do with Michael Vick.

28. Players actually believing God gives a shit about who wins a football game.

29. Ed Hochuli punching out Todd Pinkston after the receiver bumps the official over a pass interference call.

30. Peyton Manning having a career year for commercials filmed.

32. Snow games.

33. Rex Grossman not completing a pass until Week 3 (the Bears will be 2-1).

34. Buffalo fans finally saying “Fuck it, I don’t care anymore” and just getting up and walking out of the stadium midseason, never to return again.

35. That fat guy in Minnesota who dresses like a Viking.

36. Matt Leinart going on the IR in November with gonorrhea.

37. My Dad quitting on the Jets by Week 3, getting back on the wagon by Week 9, and quitting football entirely by Week 10.

38. Commentators freebasing Brett Favre’s scrotum and explaining his 40-yard interception “is just as good as a punt.”

39. Spending 13 consecutive hung-over hours on the couch on Sundays, with the most difficult decision of the day being one of the following: a) should I get up and take a leak now or try and hold off for another hour? or b) wings or pizza?

40. Not being so desperate for website content that I have to write absurdly inane lists about leagues that don’t begin for two months.

41. NO JOE THEISMANN.

Douchemeter: If we hear "shot during a robbery at his home" one more time...

1. SECURITY AT FOOTBALL PLAYERS' HOMES -- By no means do we want to rip on Sean Taylor -- his passing is shocking and sad -- but why are NFLers' homes easier to rob than a homeless lady's pop can-filled shopping cart? We feel like it's happened a lot, as of late, and it's the second break-in Taylor has endured recently. At least the old lady can holler in gibberish while clattering the cans and possibly vomiting on you. Guard dogs and giant security gates aren't working anymore. The solution? As always, hire a homeless lady.

2. LIU XIANG -- The Chinese hurdler and Olympic gold medalist got his legs insured for $13.3 million. First J-Lo's wobbly ass (which isn't that big, by the way... come on), now this? What's next, Johan Santana's arm? Scarlett Johansson's hooters? Michael Buffer's larynx? Robin Williams' arm hair? Charlie Weis' blubber?

3. CANADIAN YOUTH HOCKEY COACHES -- We know Canuck hockey parents are stereotyped as angry, raving lunatics who down too many large Tim Hortons coffees at six a.m. every Saturday morning , but this is ridiculous. A brawl started in a game between eight-year-olds on the weekend. Eight-year-olds. And the coaches sent more eight-year-olds over the boards to start a giant child war. Yes, a massive child hockey brawl would be friggin' amazing to watch. Yes, we've scoured YouTube trying to find it. But that's beside the point.

4. THE CANADIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE -- A quarterback makes his first career start in the Grey Cup and his team only loses by four points. Only in the CFL.

5. BRAZILIAN SOCCER STADIUMS -- Apparently, being ranked the worst/least safe stadium out of 29 in the country didn't motivate Fonte Nova stadium to renovate. Maybe having seven fans die after falling through a giant concrete hole will.

6. THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS -- Just move the team to Mexico City and put us out of our misery.

7. HERM EDWARDS -- 4th and 1, your team down by three, ball on your opponent's 23. What do you do? Let's ask our panel of experts.

Infant: "goo...gaaa....fee go!, fee go!"

"Special" kid: "uurragh...take da...urg...POINTS!"

Madden: "When the you're close to the other team's goal line, and you're down by three, and it's fourth and one, I mean, you gotta kick the field goal. You're gonna get a guy here and there that wants to be a cowboy, but most of the time it isn't gonna work out for ya."

Dog: (boots football with his paw)

Dog the Bounty Hunter: Give the ball to the white guy, brother. Kick it.

Herm Edwards, head coach, Kansas City Chiefs: Run the football!

8. ELI MANNING -- Forget that he showed the athleticism of a six-foot-one, headgear-laden, 13-year-old girl playing Twister with the boy she likes. Fuck Eli Manning for giving any fantasy football owner with the Minnesota Vikings team defense a free win this week (i.e. Larkin).

9. KENYON MARTIN -- Yeah, K-Mart, you're big and bad, posterizing guys left and right. How about doing it for more than two games a year without getting injured?

10. MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL -- The 49ers, Dolphins and Ravens every other week. Can we please just bring back Slamball on Monday night? It would be more entertaining and the playcalling would be better.

Monday...Fun...Links?

Aaaaaaargh. Monday. Friggin' Monday. So hard to get out of bed. AaaaAAAARRRRRRRRGh. Well, at least that's what you regular, nine-to-five cubicle bastards are probably thinking at the moment. So we decided to help you out today. Help you out by giving you reading that requires minimal brain power, a.k.a. stuff composed by and/or involving Kev the Intern.

Kev's a simple guy. A simple guy who still eats multiple pudding cups a day, likes to jump around in sprinklers during the summer, and thinks ICQ is "hip." For that reason, he's the perfect target for those fad Internet videos that start on YouTube and make average Joes famous. He's obsessed with this stuff. Quoting Kev:

"It's the reason why the Internet was made in my opinion. Well, that and porn. Can't forget that porn."

You're right, Kev. Can't forget that porn. Nor can we forget these sweet videos.

DRAMATIC CHIPMUNK

Prairie dog? Chipmunk? Who cares. this thing is funny.

The Chipmunk dabbled in espionage, too.

He may have been born to star in revenge flicks.

Or maybe he should stick to modelling?

Don't really know what we can say about this doozie.

THE STAR WARS KID

Yeah, we know you've seen it. The poor fat fuck who waggled around a golf ball retriever pretending he was a Jedi and became the laughing stock of the continent. Breaking news: he's from Quebec. Ha. That adds to the comedy. People who are different and talk funny must be persecuted.

Shortly after the Star Wars Kid's coming out party, some equally goobery person added lightsaber effects to the video.

Then someone else took the CGI to the next level, and the rest was history. Countless other imitations emerged. Now let's stop for a moment to ponder once more just how hilarious this poor kid is.

THE "DAFT" VIDEOS

Some poor schmuck with way too much free time decided to write the lyrics to Daft Punk's "Harder, Faster, Stronger" on his hands -- or is it a "her"? -- and perform the song with a finger dance. Pretty crazy.

Then some cocky prick decided to speed up the time and show up the first hand dancer. Congrats, pal. Funny thing is that he can't prove he didn't just film himself at normal tempo and speed up the tape.

Then a couple slender beauties blew both guys out of the water with "Daft Bodies." Pretty self explanatory.

Kev’s Week 12 Picks (we swear to God, we didn’t change a thing)

Of course the week we withhold Kev's picks to keep you from losing money is the week Kev actually gets a few right.

Before I start, two things. First, I'm watching the Falcons-Colts game right now, and I don't think there could be a more uninspired play-by-play effort than what Gumble is giving us right now. I mean, this is putting Summerall to shame! The Colts just scored a touchdown, and I don't think his tone of voice changed a bit. And he just said "bugaboo." And he keeps calling "quarters" "periods." Put some effort into this, Gumble (I don't know which Gumble it is, not that it really matters).

Second, your last article was strangely reminiscent of the Cosby Show episode where Theo classifies girls as different types of hamburgers depending on how hot they are, with the hottest being the Big Mac. Where's Cliff Huxtable when you need him!

Anyhoo, on with the picks! God damn you, Thursday night football. It's pretty obvious I would have chosen Dallas and Green Bay. I'm considering myself 2-0 right now. What's left of the games this weekend? Garbage, that's what. I mean, Miami's playing on Monday night. That's pretty much all you need to know.

Philly at New England (-23)
The Pats are favored by 23. TWENTY THREE. In case you missed ESPN/FSN/TSN/Sportsnet, etc, that's the largest point spread for an NFL game not involving an expansion team. As if the Pats needed another reason to go for it on 4th and goal with the game out of reach. I need a win, and I'm taking the Pats at home.
Kev loses!

Houston at Cleveland (-3.5)
Remember Charlie Frye? Yeah, neither does anyone else in Cleveland. Derek Anderson has been great this year, and Braylon Edwards is carrying my fantasy team. I actually can't believe this might be a good game. Last year, we’d be looking at this game in disgust. Houston is coming off a nice win against New Orleans, and the Browns are a respectable 6-4. Cleveland should come away with a victory in this one.

Kev wins!

Baltimore at San Diego (-3.5)

Sure, I picked the Chargers last week, and they lost. That sucked. BUT, if you recall, I also said how much I enjoyed watching Norv Turner fail, so I still took some solace in their defeat. Seeing Maurice Jones-Drew just roach that douchebag Shawne Merriman helped make my weekend as well.

Fortunately for the Bolts, they’re coming up against a team with an offense resembling Hurk — it’d have trouble scoring against a team comprised of sixth-grade girls. Sure, they scored 30 last week, but they were playing against the 32nd ranked defense in the league (the Browns… which makes me really think about my last pick...). The last time they scored more than 20 points? Way back in Week 6. I'm taking San Diego.
Kev wins!

Buffalo at Jacksonville (-9)
Normally, when a team hangs 56 on you – in the national spotlight – you’d be pretty bummed out. Then you remember you're living in Buffalo, which is way shittier than losing by 50-plus in front of millions of people. Then you remember you were playing the Pats, and you begin to nod your head knowingly. J.P. "If no one's open deep, I'm not throwing it, and even then I just might throw it deep" Losman and the Bills should expect to lose their second straight against 7-3 Jacksonville. As long as Jack Del Rio doesn't break out the motivational stump and axe. Take Jacksonville.

Kev wins!

Canadian Bonus Pick! Saskatchewan vs. Winnipeg in the Grey Cup Final

Maxim parties on the top of the CN Tower. Pancake breakfasts. Lenny Kravtiz at halftime (they asked for U2, but organizers refused when U2's appearance fee was "the entire proceeds from the Grey Cup" – I’m not joking). Saskatchewan being known for something other than a town named "Moose Jaw.”

It's Grey Cup weekend (also known as "The CFL Gets 45 Seconds of Exposure on ESPN" Weekend), so why not make a pick? Having their starting quarterback break his arm in the conference final isn’t a good thing for the Bombers. The only way the Riders lose is by taking the Bombers’ second-string quarterback for granted, and if you actually look at the guy – he’s kind of creepy looking – they just might. Take the Green Riders to win for the first time since '89, which is kind of depressing in an eight team league.

Kev wins!

Week 12 record: 4-1 (whaaat?!?)

Season record: 9-15

The Hottie Hall of Fame: Who Belongs?

Canada was abuzz last week. No, it wasn’t because of the improved dollar or a new ice fishing innovation. It was Hockey Hall of Fame week, and this year’s class – Mark Messier, Ron Francis, Al MacInnis and Scott Stevens – may be the greatest ever. Also, Eric Lindros retired two weeks ago, sparking major debate about whether or not he’s HOF material.

That got us thinking. Thinking about boobies ‘n’ stuff. Then we smushed a bunch of ideas together and came up with this:

Shouldn’t we be talking more about the All-time Hot Chick Hall of Fame? Yes, that exists. We don’t have to review old faves; we know Marilyn Monroe and Sophia Loren are in. Thanks, Gramps. More importantly, we should gauge who’s on the verge of entering it, who has potential to get there, and who will fall short despite some people’s beliefs.

Let’s break down the ladies we think should be mentioned in the same breath as “Hall of Fame” and “piece of ass.”

FIRST BALLOT HALL OF FAMERS

Halle Berry, Beyonce, Angelina Jolie

Sports equivalent: Derek Jeter

Years of excellence have pushed these individuals beyond superstar status; they’re ambassadors of the game. A given starlet may not be your cup of tea, but she sure as hell should have your respect. Even their greatest haters can’t deny their Hall worthiness. Jennifer Aniston hates Jolie, Sox fans hate Jeter, and Dog the Bounty Hunter hates black people. But none of them is crazy enough to say Jeter sucks at baseball or that these ladies don’t belong in the Hottie Hall of Fame. Well, Dog might be.

ALWAYS GREAT, NEVER THE BEST, BUT A LOCK FOR THE HALL OF FAME

Mariah Carey, Kim Basinger, Tyra Banks, Heather Locklear, Cindy Crawford, Elizabeth Hurley, Sharon Stone, Pamela Anderson

Athlete equivalent: Tom Glavine

These perennial all-stars never really blew people away, but they never faltered. Year in, year out, they made our mouths water. While they were never the absolute best in the business, save for a few anomaly MVP seasons (Basic Instinct in 1992, Pam during the Baywatch years), they were consistently among the cream of the crop. We tip our hats to you, ladies, for your consistency. You made us cover our crotches with binders for 10 to 15 years. We forgave MJ for the Washington Wizards experiment, Sharon, so we’ll give you a pass on Basic Instinct 2.

HAVE THEY DONE ENOUGH?

Jennifer Lopez, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Charlize Theron, Shania Twain

Sports equivalent: Peter Forsberg

Growing up, we knew Peter Forsberg was great, just like we knew we wanted to bury our faces in Jennifer Love Hewitt’s cleavage after watching I Know What You Did Last Summer. Fairly or not, their prolonged absences from the lineup have soured our memories of both, leaving us with a plethora of “What ifs” and “Yeah, buts.” Regardless, all of these ladies were superstars at their peak and we won’t squawk if they’re inducted. After all, we still masturbate whenever The Mask of Zorro is on TV, don’t we?

SUPERNOVA EXPLOSION OUT OF THE GATE, FOLLOWED BY AN EPIC FALL FROM GRACE

Britney Spears

Sports equivalent: Dwight Gooden

“We’re going to bed, and you better get your butt in there soon yourself, mister,” shouted Mom from upstairs. “It’s a school night.” She was right, of course, but you’d waited downstairs all night for MTV to play “Baby One more Time” again. When Britney Spears first burst onto the scene, it was too much for adolescents. Her pigtails, stockings and exposed midriff had every boy aged 11-17 quietly hiding in the basement with the lights off so he could fuck the couch cushions like a rabbit on Red Bull. She had the world in her hands, and in a Godzilla-rampaging-through-Tokyo-like disaster, she threw it all away. We can only wonder what might have been.

RIDICULOUSLY TALENTED, BUT CAREER DERAILED BY COCAINE

Lindsay Lohan

Athlete Equivalent: Darryl Strawberry

Sigh. So sad. How hot was Lindsay a few years ago? It was almost unfair when her busty, barely legal bod beckoned to us from the cover of Rolling Stone. Then came the nose candy, and that was all she wrote. Lohan and Strawberry deserve each other; they’re physical specimens who’d rather do lines off a bathroom floor at Arby’s than perform at the top level of their professions.

TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE

Fergie, Eva Mendes, Kylie Minogue, Eva Longoria

Athlete Equivalent: Priest Holmes

Priest Holmes wasted the beginning his career backing up Jamal Lewis in Baltimore. Stacey Ferguson wasted the beginning of her career giving record producers hummers while high on heroin. You shake your head at the members of this group, wondering what could’ve been if they didn’t become sexy stars so late. Yeah, that’s right. We’re calling out Eva Longoria. She’s already 32, guys. She’s almost past her prime.

LOOKED LIKE A SURE THING A FEW YEARS AGO, BUT NOW WE’RE HAVING SERIOUS DOUBTS

Sarah Michelle Gellar, Anna Kournikova

Athlete Equivalent: Vince Carter

It seems like yesterday that they were all the rage. Vince was dunking over every living organism; Gellar was crushing vampires and screaming up a storm in cheesy horror flicks; Kournikova was looking gorgeous while getting her ass whooped on the tennis court. They were superstars. What the hell happened?

Our prediction: the stories end in tragedy. Gellar stars in an off-Broadway stage play that bombs. Vince limps and whines his way into NBA obscurity. Kournikova hits the gym, gets herself a manly build and shoots up the ATP rankings.

SHOOTING STARS WHO PERFORMED AT AN EXCEPTIONALLY HIGH LEVEL FOR A VERY BRIEF PERIOD OF TIME

Denise Richards, Shannon Elizabeth, Tara Reid, Alicia Silverstone

Sports equivalent: Terrell Davis

Ten years ago, readily accessible pornography was nonexistent for adolescent males, save for the stack of Playboys Dad hid under his bed. We weren’t old enough to use fake ID to buy our own and dialup Internet rendered online smut inadequate. The substitute? Denise Richards in Wild Things. She parlayed that into a few other roles, notably a Bond flick, but really didn’t do much else. Still, she got naked. In a pool. And made out. With another girl. These ladies may not be good enough to make the Hall, but they’re good enough to be in the discussion.

THE POLARIZING STARS

Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Garner, Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes

Sports equivalent: Art Monk

They’re pretty hot, we guess. Depends on whom you ask. Diaz, for example, was cute and charming in a couple of funny movies and dated some impressive talent over the years (Monk caught a billion balls, won a couple of titles with the Skins). Her mouth also almost got her cast as the Joker, and you could fit a second pair of tatters in the gap between her actual boobs (Monk caught little dinky passes, never really seemed to take a game over). Because there’s so much disagreement about their worth, they probably don’t belong.

STARS THAT PUT UP IMPRESSIVE NUMBERS BUT ARE CHEATERS

Paris Hilton, the Olsen twins, any reality TV star

Sports equivalent: Rafael Palmeiro

Yeah, you’ve got numerous supporters, but it has nothing to do with talent; these guys are a product of reality TV shows, clever marketing campaigns, and $500,000 worth of steroids. Doing drugs or releasing a sex tape might be enough to make you famous; it’s not enough to get you into any Hall of Fame.

ALL FLASH, NO SUBSTANCE

Carmen Electra, Jenny McCarthy

Sports equivalent: Andruw Jones

Jones hits bombs and makes highlight reel catches in center field, but he also strikes out a ton, doesn’t run anymore and is a career .263 hitter. Sound familiar? We’re enamored with Electra and McCarthy’s skills, rolling their “highlight reels” in our minds before we go to bed. Still, even the curviest body can’t make up for a lack of acting ability, general talent, or any semblance of mental activity.

RODE THE COATTAILS OF A DYNASTY

Victoria Beckham, Courtney Cox

Athlete Equivalent: Glenn Anderson

For those of you who may not know, Glenn Anderson was considered by many the fifth wheel of the Edmonton Oilers’ 1980s dynasty. He drove to the net like no one else, regularly potted 50 goals, and finished his career with over 1,000 points. Yet he’s overlooked by the Hall of Fame every year, likely because people think the legends around him – Gretzky, Messier, Coffey – made him great.

Same goes for Victoria Beckham. People make a huge deal over her, but where would she be without the Spice Girls or her dreamy footballer hubby? She’s a caricature. Looks like a lollipop. No one that bony can make the Hall of Fame. Courtney Cox is solid, but the Friends and Scream franchises carried her. David Arquette did NOT, by the way.

HAD A NICE CAREER, BUT WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR A TICKET LIKE THE REST OF US

Alyssa Milano, Christina Applegate, Teri Hatcher

Sports equivalent: Fred Taylor

Do you realize Fred Taylor has rushed for over 10,000 yards but never made a Pro Bowl? Do you realize Alyssa Milano’s IMDB page credits her with 47 roles but we can only remember the one with her really softcore sex scene? Each lady has enjoyed a period of “very good-ness” but never challenged for tops in the league. They’ve earned our respect, and they can play with us any day, but the Hottie Hall is reserved for the greats.

TONS OF TALENT BUT HAS YET TO REALIZE THEIR POTENTIAL

Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson

Sports equivalent: Reggie Bush

Everyone’s worried Bush might end up being a bust because he’s yet to capitalize on his immense talents. What about Alba and Johansson?

The ladies’ physiques and Reggie Bush’s sweet moves are almost equally boner-inducing, but will they take advantage of their unique abilities? To make the Hottie Hall, you need more than supermodel looks – you need to permeate our thoughts at all times, and you can’t do that when you’re sharing the screen with Dane Cook. Someday, you need to make it in something bigger than your bra. We’re a little worried we’re five or six years away from Bush becoming a return specialist and Johansson and Alba headlining NBC’s new sitcom, Weather Girls, about two sexy roommates competing at opposing local news stations. Hijinx ensue, as does a midseason cancellation.

AN UP-AND-COMER WHO WE KNEW WOULD BE DECENT BUT SUDDENLY EXPLODED INTO SUPERSTARDOM

Carrie Underwood

Athlete Equivalent: Adrian Peterson

Adrian Peterson ran over a bunch of guys in college and Carrie Underwood won American Idol. So what, right? Those types are a dime a dozen. Just ask Ron Dayne and Ruben Studdard. But a few prognosticators out there disagreed. They saw something special. They thought Peterson had NFL-ready talent and figured Underwood could dominate the ripe country music market. They were right. Peterson ate the universe for half a season and Underwood’s pumping out platinum records. Only time will tell if they’ll have Hall of Fame careers, but they’re sure starting strong.

TOO EARLY TO TELL, BUT STARTING OUT GREAT

Megan Fox, Hayden Panittiere, Rihanna

Athlete Equivalent: Dwight Howard

Just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re living up to the hype. Please, stay out of trouble. Maybe you could room with a vet like Heather Locklear when you’re on the road? She’d keep you away from the Lohans and Strawberries of the world.

SOLID YET UNSPECTULAR STAR WHO COULD HAVE A SHOT AT THE HALL SOMEDAY

Hilary Duff, Natalie Portman, Rachel McAdams, Mandy Moore, Keira Knightley

Athlete Equivalent: Chris Bosh

They do all the little things right; they make good career choices, avoid bad publicity and are generally likeable, attractive people. The downside: they’re boring. You’ll be hard pressed to find 360 dunks, naughty pics or sex scenes from this group. As a result, they could find themselves passed over for flashy types who flop their boobs all over the place and drop F-bombs on talk shows.

NHL report featuring...sigh...Garth Snow

Well, we’re about a quarter of the way through the 2007-2008 NHL season. Now would be a good time to get the experts’ opinion on the season so far. After Scotty Bowman, Don Cherry, John Davidson, Brett Hull, Donald Trump, Rosie O’Donnell, Condoleezza Rice, Montel Williams and Janeane Garofolo didn’t return our calls, we went with our backup guy.

You know his name.

Time to welcome back…New York Islanders general manager and regular SOJP contributor Garth Snow!

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SOJP: Well, Garth, it’s “good” to have you back.

SNOW: Yep, you know it. Garth the Shark is back.

SOJP: Is that supposed to rhyme?

SNOW: Yeah. Garth. Shark. It’s pretty simple logic.

SOJP: Well, kind of. But…it doesn’t really rhyme. “Arth” and “ark?”

SNOW: I’m like a poet, eh? Or a rapper? Garth Snow’s the name, gonna send you into a craze…

SOJP: …OK. So that wasn’t supposed to rhyme, right?

SNOW: Hello…”name” and “craze”? It rhymes, man. You just aren’t gangsta enough, I guess.

SOJP: Sigh. Yeah, I guess. So…how about that NHL?

SNOW: …hm?

SOJP: The NHL.

SNOW: eh?

SOJP: The NHL. Hockey. We called you to talk about it. What do you think of the season so far?

SNOW: The season, eh? You are an inquisitive one, aren’t you?

SOJP: Sure am. So, the Islanders. Pretty amazing. How are you guys doing it so far?

SNOW: Well, you see…things are…going to get better. We’ll tough it out….and…break…our…streak…of losses?

SOJP: Hmm. Losses, eh? Garth, do me a favour. Tell me your team’s record.

SNOW: …No.

SOJP: You won’t tell me?

SNOW: NO!

SOJP: Or you don’t know?

SNOW: NO!

SOJP: Garth. Garth. Look at me. I’m opening the newspaper. I’m flipping to the sports section. I’m reading the standings. Your New York Islanders are 11-6-0. Three points out of first in the division.

SNOW:…I….yeah…I…I knew that. I…YEAH! WOO! This is…great. I have to call my parents.

SOJP: Glad to bear the good news. Garth. Now, I was hoping to get your early season MVP candidate…

SNOW: Hmm, let me just rub my crystal ball here…yes, yes…..I’m seeing…Owen Nolan.

SOJP: …yeah. Have you watched any hockey this season, Garth?

SNOW: Define “watched.”

SOJP: ……..

SNOW: I “watched” the hockey standings in this newspaper you speak of. It’s like a paper television. It’s going to change the world. So…I’m a regular viewer?

SOJP: What? Please, Garth, earn the JC Penney gift certificate, for Christ’s sake. Give us some wisdom.

SNOW: I haven’t had sex with my wife in four months.

SOJP: Garth…

SNOW: I…I just need someone to talk to, and –

SOJP: GARTH!

SNOW Oh God, I’m sorry. I’M SORRY! Fine. Uh…ok. Ok. Hockey insight. Well….I went to Atlantic City with Gary Bettman last Friday.

SOJP: and…

SNOW: and we did some coke, and drank scotch…

SOJP: and…

SNOW: and he told me…that he’s contracting the Ottawa Senators, Calgary Flames and Edmonton Oilers.

SOJP: What!?

SNOW: And…there’s a Dominican Republic franchise on the way.

SOJP: Holy shit!

SNOW: I know. I’ll take my gift certificate now.

SOJP: Not so fast. What’s the name of the Dominican franchise?

SNOW: The Robots.

SOJP: The Robots.

SNOW: The Robots.

SOJP: OK. Get the fuck out.

SNOW: What? But I gave you the goods.

SOJP: Get out before I call the cops.

SNOW: …yes sir.

SOJP: Let’s never do this again.

SNOW…OK…I….NOOOOOOO! PLEASE! PLEASE HELP ME! OH…GOD….MY WIFE THREW ME OUT…I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I’M DOING…I TRIED TO TRADE FOR SIDNEY CROSBY BUT THEY SAID NO…OH…OH…HELP ME….

SOJP: Sigh. OK. Stand up, Garth. Reach out your hand.

SNOW: …OK.

SOJP: Take the gift certificate. Now go.

SNOW: Oh…thank you…thank you! God bless you. I’ll make it up to you.

SOJP: That’s nice. Goodbye, Garth.