Douchmeter: 2007 MLB Playoffs, any piece of fiction involving Kevin Costner equally entertaining

Each Monday, we review the douchiest stuff in sports.

1. THE 2007 MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL POSTSEASON -- RRROOOOOARRRRR! JESUS CHRIST. Dear God, are we angry at the crappy, bland, anticlimactic pile of possum vomit that called itself the MLB Playoffs.

Where do we begin? First there was the scheduling. Games on back-to-back days here, a day off there – Colorado had, what, a nine-day layoff before the World Series? Baseball ain’t a contact sport. That’s why teams average only a couple days off per month during the regular season. And what’s with the 8:30 p.m. start times? They’d be excusable if every game didn’t go longer than the Academy Awards.

We’re not even close to done. There was Colorado teasing our cocks with its cutesy, wutesy Cinderella story and shitting the bed in the Fall Classic. Did you not feel cheated? It would be like Terry Fox completing his cross-Canada run, inspiring us with his battle against cancer and revealing it was all a hoax and that his prosthetic leg was just “a wicked Halloween costume.”

Fuck you, Kevin Millar. You said you didn’t want a trade out of Baltimore. Then why, oh why, were you on the Red Sox telecast telling fans not to worry about Cleveland because “you got Manny and Big Papi, and everything’s gonna be fine.” Uh, what? Inexcusable. The city of Baltimore should disown him the only way it knows how: cold-blooded murder in a garbage-filled alley.

Let’s not even talk about A-Rod and Scott Boras. But speaking of that, everyone who made a huge deal over them is just as douchey.

Free taco promotions from Taco Bell? Last time we checked, the MLB Playoffs weren’t appearing after the Sylvester Stallone marathon on the USA Network.

You know what would’ve been cool? If every series wasn’t a god-damned sweep. One series went seven games and every other series went four games or less. It made a lot of playoff prognosticators look mentally challenged.

Good riddance, MLB Playoffs. We hate you like we hate new Simpsons episodes.

2. CALIFORNIA WILD FIRES – Fuck off.

3. GUY BERTRAND – The Quebec-based lawyer is upset because Canadiens captain Saku Koivu doesn’t speak French, arguing it’s disrespectful since the forward has played in Montreal for 12 years. “I have a right to be served in my own language, Bertrand said. You also have the right to shut your fucking mouth, Guy. What don’t you get on that?

4. O.J. SIMPSON’S FRIENDS – Where’s the loyalty? What a bunch of Judases.

5. BARRY BONDS – Oooh, big man. Boycotting the Hall of Fame. Clearly this is a pre-emptive strike. The day Cooperstown lets Bonds in the Hall is the day Gary Coleman has a growth spurt, cures cancer and develops the ability to communicate with lizards. Which would be an AWESOME day, by the way.

6. THE CANADIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE – Luca Congi was stripped of his All-Star selection after the CFL announced it had miscounted votes and accidentally awarded the kicker a place on the team. Time for a new abacus, guys.

7. MILLSAPP COLLEGE – As if the 15-lateral collapse wasn’t bad enough, the biggest reason it happened was because some of your players quit and laid down like the French. pussies.

8. THE TOUR DE FRANCE – Speaking of our friends across the pond, apparently the Tour will have revamped rules in 2008, featuring “a slightly less mountainous but hopefully more exciting course.” More exciting, eh? Unless the new race airs on Spike TV and depicts a post-apocalyptic world crippled by gasoline shortage, we’re not buying.

9. LONDON, ENGLAND – Londoners were so excited for an NFL showcase on their soil they forgot their city was being showcased to the world at the same time. Nothing says “tourist attraction” like mud, rain, yellow teeth and fans decked out in bandwagon jerseys they clearly bought the day of the Giants/Dolphins game. Hey, at least they have that giant Ferris wheel.

10. THE BALTIMORE RAVENS OFFENSE – Last week, Ray Lewis called out Brian Billick and the offense for its lackluster play this season, and, you know, the last decade or so. Pretty douchey, sure, but isn’t it even douchier when your offense is so pathetic a team leader has to call you out publicly? Hearing that Billick was an “offensive genius” before his Baltimore stint is like learning Richard Simmons fucked the whole varsity cheerleading squad in college.