Tuesday, December 18, 2007

SOJP Classics: Alternate jobs for NFL head coaches

You have to love NFL head coaches. Perhaps more than any other sport’s leaders, they’re caricatures – larger than life personalities who pop up in the media constantly.

We’re so used to seeing their usually ugly, often animated faces that we began wondering – if we ran into these guys in the street not knowing who they were, what occupation would we think they had?

Bill Simmons recently hammered the nail on the head when he said Seattle coach Mike Holmgren “should be wearing a sheriff’s outfit and buying donuts.” But we think Dallas’ Wade Phillips deserves a vote, too. While Holmgren would work to maintain order, Phillips would straddle the line of good and evil as he prowls the Interstate.

Picture Wade (above) pulling over poor 19-year-old Billy Bob and girlfriend Lucy on a dark country road:

"Well loookeeeee. What do we have here....looks like we gots ourself a cowboy, drivin' real fast. And (Pulls out nightstick…smash!) Oooowee! Looks like his tail light's out too. And by golly, that's a pretty lady you got with ya. What’s your name? Sweetheart? I bet you taste like a juicy strawberry."

Today’s Thursday Challenge? Name 20 NFL coaches and their alternate job possibilities. Giddy up!

Mike McCarthy, Green Bay Packers: Crappy, low-end mob henchman who Batman beats up easily.

McCarthy: OK Bats, bring it on…I tackled guys bigger than you in college ball.”

(Batman grabs McCarthy, throws him down flight of stairs)

Batman: …Guess your team finished in the basement.

McCarthy: ungh….

Other possibilities: delivery guy

Lane Kiffin, Oakland Raiders: star of made-for-TV movie Face of an Angel, Heart of a Demon about an average but strangely distant sales rep accused of murder after a dozen dead prostitutes are found in his tool shed; based on “true events”

Jack Del Rio, Jacksonville Jaguars: Sales rep who brings a jock mentality to the job. “Let’s fucking close this. BOO-YAH!”

He calls himself “Jackie Boy,” speaks in third-person, and claims he can go shot for shot with anyone at the bar.

After he narrowly edges out slutty cougar Janine in a drink-off at the office Christmas party, he stumbles into an alley, followed by his cronies, who hang on his every word. He pukes on the ground. When junior sales rep Todd comes to his aid, he grabs Todd.

“Get…OFF me you fuck!” He busts Todd’s nose with a vicious right, then throws him into a puddle and stomps on him a few times. The other sales guys are mortified.

“You didn’t see NOTHIN!” Del Rio says. “You didn’t see nothin’.”

He lurches off into the night, breathing like a hungry animal.

Ken Whisenhunt, Arizona Cardinals: Head guard at a maximum security prison who takes secret money handouts and beats inmates in public to display his power. “You gonna cry? Shutup. You’re in Hell now, boy. And I’m Satan, understand? Three days in the hole!”

Sean Payton, New Orleans Saints: full-of-shit athletic store clerk who doesn’t really know what he’s talking about – will try to sell you golf gloves when you asked for batting gloves; wears visor on the job; working on commission, tries to stay hip with shoe-shopping teenagers by altering his lingo when they ask for a particular size: “Let me hook you up with that, man.”

Lovie Smith, Chicago Bears: old, wise custodian in a movie about a youth struggling to find his way in life; despite his socially frowned-upon job status, offers valuable guidance that puts the protagonist on the path to self-fulfillment

Other possibilities: kindly store clerk, grave digger who you think is a homicidal maniac but turns out to be a nice guy who's just really shy

Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles: hotdog/chip truck vendor who wears an apron and paper hat

Other possibilities: crappy guard in prison movie who gets killed first during the riot scene

Eric Mangini, New York Jets: good natured but clueless guidance counselor who thinks he’s making a difference at the local high school but is actually a joke.

“Fuck, I have to see old man Mangini today. I don’t think I’m gonna show up. Or maybe I can distract him with a bag of Oreos and make a break for it.”

Brad Childress, Minnesota Vikings: pedophile

Other possibilities: camp counsellor; kindergarten teacher; baby sitter; catholic priest

Mike Nolan, San Francisco 49ers: Our conversation went like this:

Larkin: Hmm… Nolan, he’s pretty cool. Maybe he’d be a renegade army guy. A general? A platoon leader?

Hurk: Yeah, but he dresses well; he’s not a jarhead. I see him wearing a dress uniform and being kind of stressed out, always rubbing his face, because the generals make him carry out orders that he finds morally conflicting – does he follow orders or do the right thing?

Larkin: See, I don’t know. I think his face is tough looking. I think he’d be more of the decorated general covered in medals or something.

Hurk: Oh, I still see him with the medals; I see him fairly high up, just not at the top. But he still has the honour. Maybe at the end he goes against orders to do the right thing, but it pans out and he becomes general!

Dick Jauron, Buffalo Bills: zombie

Other possibilities: socially outcast undertaker, extra in “Thriller” video

Brian Billick, Baltimore Ravens: washed up action hero who used to ride motorbikes, get chicks, and “be the best,” but now he’s an aging alcoholic living in a houseboat. When the modern action hero needs help, he calls upon Billick for “one last ride.” Billick grabs his sawed-off shotgun and gives glory one more shot.

Other possibilities: executive for a relatively small telecommunications company, but a real hot shot. Thinks he can get away with anything. Major violator of inner-office harassment policy. Tells Judy her “tits look great today” and tries to justify it because he was “giving her a compliment.” Gets slapped with a lawsuit and he’s dumbfounded, as if everyone else is crazy.

Jeff Fisher, Tennessee Titans: host of weekly, low-budget fishing show on cable

Rod Marinelli, Detroit Lions: girls high school track and field coach who gets “a little too close” to the ladies, often exchanging hugs or massaging their cramped legs; parents say there’s “something about that Mr. Marinelli” but are too uncomfortable to truly broach the subject

Romeo Crennel, Cleveland Browns: Chef at a grillhouse who always gets caught eating the food. His specialty: deep-fried banana-bacon waffles.

Other possibilities: fat-yet-strong professional mover who wears coveralls and sweats a lot; smokey pool hall manager who gives youths advice to keep them out of trouble; bartender in a tough part of town who wears a towel over his shoulder and tells scrappers to “take it outside.”

Herm Edwards, Kansas City Chiefs: office manager who always delivers ridiculous speeches like “You’re killing me, guys. Killing me. We gotta pick it up now!” for mundane stuff like forgetting to call the copier repair guy so now he won’t be here until four; laughs too hard at his own bad jokes, slaps the back of guy next to him; entire staff hates him

Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers: wannabe-hardass high school principal who commands no respect and gets pelted with paper airplanes during assemblies.

Other possibilities: politician rocked by scandal (weakness for the flesh)

Cam Cameron, Miami Dolphins: host of Action News at 6 on Rochester 4

Other possibilities: bullshit self-help guru, televangelist

Tony Dungy, Indianapolis Colts: creepy background character in a gangster or prison movie; quiet and wiry, he is covered in tattoos and always wears a wife-beater; nicknamed “Whisper” because of his quiet demeanour and silent killing method of knives; in one gruesome scene, stabs a guy in the stomach and spills his guts everywhere. Then licks some blood off the knife

Thursday, November 29, 2007

SOJP Classics

Since we won't be posting new content in the next couple of days, we figured we'd throw up some "SOJP Classics" a couple of times a week over the next little while. A cheap cop out? Yes. An effective tactic enabling us to spend all day faux-tailgating in preparation for Packers-Cowboys tonight? Yes.

Speaking of which, today's piece is a Thursday Challenge from mid-July that lists 41 reasons we were excited for the upcoming NFL season. Much of our list rings true, including No. 40: "being so desperate for website content that we have to write absurdly inane lists about leagues that dont begin for two months." Ha! Why write inane lists when you can just reprint them? Enjoy.

Is it just us, or is the summertime sports schedule blander than a two-hour video of Tim Duncan eating Melba toast?

We love baseball as much as anyone, but enough of the monotony; we need a little flavour in our lives. One can only take so much of watching Josh Towers pitch every five days or Sportscentre leading off with Tour de France coverage.

As such, Larkin challenged Hurk to list 41 random reasons to look forward to the NFLs return.

Forty-one reasons, mocked Hurk. Surely, you underestimate me.

1. The first time Sportscentre shows this.

2. The first time a head coach tops this.

3. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann.

4. Watching the next chapter of Eli Mannings gradual mental breakdown as he continues realizing hes not his brother and he hates football.

5. Watching an artery in Tom Coughlins head explode during an interview with Bonnie Bernstein, showering the reporter’s shirt with blood. B-squared is forced to finish the broadcast topless.

6. Mike Holmgren missing most of the third quarter against Philadelphia because he ate four cheesesteaks before the game and couldnt get off the can.

7. Edgerrin James committing suicide after his request for a trade to Indy is denied.

8. The Bengals signing Andy Reids kids.

9. Cris Collinsworth calling decisions inexcusable and being in complete disbelief every time someone does something stupid.

10. Herm Edwards trying to manage the clock.

11. Steve McNair being hit and losing control of his bowels on the field. We can only pray hell be wearing white pants.

12. Bill Simmons stubborn refusal to acknowledge LaDainian Tomlinson as LT.

13. Analysts stubborn refusal to compare white receivers to black receivers (Kevin Curtis really reminds me of Ed McCaffrey) .

14. A formal apology from Minneapolis police after bringing in Brad Childress on kiddie-diddlin charges.

15. Roger Goodell tightening his dictatorial grip on the league and throwing himself a Hitler-esque midseason parade.

16. The late-season flexible schedule.

17. Hitting Ralph Wilson Stadium for Bills-Pats and our buddy Malcolm, a Buffalo fan, getting trashed off three beers. Inside, hell comment that he didnt know the Bills got new uniforms, which he thinks are terrible -- while New England is warming up.

18. Jerome Bettis getting so fat hell have to work from his own studio, which is really just a large pile of soiled mattresses surrounded by cameras.

19. Jeremy Shockey patronizing somebodys culture, race, religion, sexual orientation, fashion sense or pet, then dropping three balls in his next game.

20. Games that actually affect the bigger picture.

21. When people start trying to justify why their surefire sleeper teams didnt make the playoffs (see: 2006 Arizona Cardinals, 2007 Detroit Lions).

22. LenDale White suffering a heart attack and dying on the field after this fourth consecutive carry. Ron Dayne sympathizes.

23. Chris Henry drawing a gun from his handwarmer and shooting Ed Reed in the face on route to the end zone in his Week 10 return against Baltimore. During the ensuing celebration, Henry is stabbed in the kidney and killed. No killer is found, though Ray Lewis is quickly whisked away in a field cart after the incident and claims to have seen nothing.

24. Ocho Cinco.

25. Searching for Jake Plummers replacement as my new favourite whipping boy (Im watching you, Jake Delhomme).

26. Jon Gruden effectively ending my search by coaxing Jake Plummer out of retirement in Week 4 (cross your fingers!).

27. Michael Vick. Anything to do with Michael Vick.

28. Players actually believing God gives a shit about who wins a football game.

29. Ed Hochuli punching out Todd Pinkston after the receiver bumps the official over a pass interference call.

30. Peyton Manning having a career year for commercials filmed.

32. Snow games.

33. Rex Grossman not completing a pass until Week 3 (the Bears will be 2-1).

34. Buffalo fans finally saying Fuck it, I dont care anymore and just getting up and walking out of the stadium midseason, never to return again.

35. That fat guy in Minnesota who dresses like a Viking.

36. Matt Leinart going on the IR in November with gonorrhea.

37. My Dad quitting on the Jets by Week 3, getting back on the wagon by Week 9, and quitting football entirely by Week 10.

38. Commentators freebasing Brett Favres scrotum and explaining his 40-yard interception is just as good as a punt.

39. Spending 13 consecutive hung-over hours on the couch on Sundays, with the most difficult decision of the day being one of the following: a) should I get up and take a leak now or try and hold off for another hour? or b) wings or pizza?

40. Not being so desperate for website content that I have to write absurdly inane lists about leagues that dont begin for two months.