When Martina Hingis recently tested positive for cocaine, we didn’t scoff or admonish the tennis star. In fact, we were actually kind of turned on. Who knew the Swiss Miss was a party girl? Still, it came as a big surprise. Martina Hingis? Of course, the news made us wonder – what other athletes are closet partiers? This isn’t a list of the biggest party animals in sports; you won’t find Charles Barkley here, even though he’s probably drunk at this very moment. Rather, we’ve compiled a list of sports personalities who don’t seem like partiers at first glance but like to get down behind closed doors.
Michelle Tafoya, ESPN reporter: You’d think the troll-like Tafoya would be hard-pressed to find a date or party invite, but that’s exactly our point. Trying to keep up with the Kolbers and Bernsteins of the world, Tafoya downs a few too many whisky sours at ESPN’s Christmas party. With dishevelled hair and a low-cut top that’s a few sizes too small, Tafoya stumbles from one potential suitor to the next, making a complete ass of herself. Adjusting a run in her stocking, Tafoya musters the best sexy, husky voice she can manage: “Can Erin Andrews do this?” she queries before deep-throating a stapler.
Fred Funk, golfer: A nice Friday night dinner with the Funks’ favourite couple, the Martins, turns into dessert and a third bottle of wine, which gives way to Fred wearing his blazer inside out as he sings “Born to be Wild” at the karaoke bar. Interestingly, Fred finds himself looking into Jan Martin’s eyes as he stands on a table and belts out the wrong lyrics. The next thing you know, he’s getting freaky with Jan on his living room sofa while his wife heads for the hot tub with Mr. Martin.
Jeff Van Gundy, television commentator: If you knew what Jeff Van Gundy did behind closed doors, you’d think Pacman Jones was a Saint. Think high-class strip clubs, a pair of leggy, busty blondes twice his height on each knee, and doing lines out of their cleavage while yelling “I’m Jeff fucking Van Gundy!” He also makes the strippers play weird sex games, like one in which Van Gundy dangles $100 bills from a string and rides on the girls’ backs, spanking them while they crawl around on all fours.
Joe Buck, FOX announcer: Of course, Buck wouldn’t engage in traditional party activities. The glasses-and-Docker-clad commentator would rather lean against a wall while occasionally pointing out “What a disgusting act” that last keg stand was, or how “classless, ignorant and embarrassing” it was when those two co-eds made out.
Michelle Wie, golfer: She’s not quite old enough to get into bars with a fake ID yet, but Michelle Wie has to be a party girl. How else can you explain the so-called phenom’s horrific LPGA season? Some nights it’ll be joyriding in the back of some frat guy’s pickup, cramming her tongue down “Dean from Illinois’” throat; other nights it’s toiletpapering her neighbour’s house and screaming obscenities at the 7/11 owner as she vomits in the adjacent alley after too many Wildberry coolers; she also hosts huge bashes in her massive house when mom and dad go out of town and cries when someone spills wine on the carpet and her 52-inch plasma TV gets stolen.
Joffrey Lupul, Philadelphia Flyers: Not that we really had reason to think he didn’t tie one on now and then, but now we know for sure. Filled the net while playing in
Tiki Barber, NBC commentator: He’s not an “athlete,” he’s a broadcaster and author. But he does get on the town for the odd high-society soiree, consisting of three-piece suits, Martinis, hour-long chats about The New Yorker and jazz beats. Don’t bother showing up if your car isn’t a hybrid.
Steve Young, ESPN commentator: No, the straight-laced Mormon wouldn’t throw back beers like Koren Robinson or bong hits like Ricky Williams. But while all the boys – and the ladies, more importantly – get more discombobulated than Gary Busey trying to solve a puzzle, Sly Steve waits in the grass. Finally, his patience pays off. “Who are you?” giggles Jess, as she seductively arches her back and gently presses her finger against his chest. “I’m Steve Young, I used to play quarterback,” he replies. “Would you like to come back to my place and see my Super Bowl ring?”