Oh, give it to me, baby!Raffi Torres.
What does he make you think of?
(a) A probably harmless yet mildly creepy children's musician?
(b) A stumpy, underachieving, undisciplined NHL winger with major heart and a booming shot?
(c) That guy who played the yacht captain in Naughty Nautica 5 and got his pole greased by Asia Carrera?
If you chose any of the above, you probably don't have much sexual intercourse. If you chose (c), you know your porn. Needless to say, we know our porn at Spirit of Jake Plummer, just like we know loneliness, infomercials, and Maury Povich.
Doesn't Raffi Torres sound like a new-age porn star? He got us thinking. What other pro athletes have porn names? We gave it a whirl and named 64 fine gentleman for our Thursday Challenge.
Just NHL, NFL, MLB and NBA here, folks. Fred Funk and friends will make the next list.
HOT CHICKS
You won’t find anyone named Ruth or Helen here, folks. These names scream fake boobies, rug burns and money shots.
2. Darcy Tucker, winger, Toronto Maple Leafs (fit little chick that dudes flip all over the place)
3. Aubrey Huff, first baseman, Baltimore Orioles (starring in Aubrey Huff: She’ll huff, puff, and blow your cock down)
4. Hunter Pence, OF,
5. Kiko Calero, P, Oakland Athletics (Asian schoolgirl fantasy)
6. Hayden Penn, P,
8. Sidney Crosby, center, Pittsburgh Penguins
9. Dallas Drake, winger,
10. Jocelyn Thibault, goalie,
11. Lindsey Hunter, guard,
12. Jamario Moon, forward,
13. Lee Evans, wide receiver,
14. Tatum Bell, running back,
15. Sidney Rice, wide receiver,
16. Marcedes Lewis, tight end,
17. Ashley Lelie, wide receiver,
18. Devin Hester, wide receiver,
19. Dominique Foxworth, cornerback,
20. Kerry Rhodes, strong safety,
DIRECTORS/PRODUCERS
A few gonzo projects aside, these guys work behind the camera. Without them, it’d be Sears Catalogue for you, chap.
21. Gabe Gross, outfielder, Milwaukee Brewers (mastermind behind famous Gabe Gross’ Stinkhouse series)
22. Dave Davidson, pitcher, Pittsburgh Pirates (2007 ERA: 22.50; number of ladies over 22 in Dave Davidson’s films: zero)
23. Alexander Semin, winger, Washington Capitals (won an AVN award for Semin’s Suckfest 8)
24. Smush Parker, guard, Miami Heat
25. Frank Gore, running back,
26. Wes Welker, wide receiver,
27. Johnny Jolly, defensive tackle, Green Bay Packers (taps unique market with Big and Jolly series)
CHEESY, OBVIOUS RETRO PORN STARS WITH TRASHY FACIAL HAIR
Yes, we get it. Your name is Dick Cox. It reminds us of penises. It works perfectly because you star in pornography. Sigh. Viewers were so easy to please in 1976.
28. Lance Broadway, pitcher, Chicago White Sox (renowned for his work in musical adult film)
29. Kevin Cash, catcher,
30. Grady Sizemore, outfielder,
31. Rocky Cherry, pitcher, Baltimore Orioles (specializes in deflowering “virgins”)
32. Jimmy Gobble, pitcher,
33. Luther Head, guard, Houston Rockets
34. Reggie Bush, running back, New Orleans Saints (serves market for pubic hair fetishes/everyone born before 1970)
35. Bobby Blizzard, tight end, Cincinnati Bengals (best work in Wet Christmas and White Caps)
36. Aaron Moorehead, wide receiver,
37. Rocky Bernard, defensive tackle,
38. Nick Mangold, center,
39. Damien Woody, center,
GENERIC FAKE NAME GUYS
So you’ve chosen a life in pornography, but you’re still smart enough to realize you don’t want your real name pasted all over the credits. Hey, why bother putting any thought into a pseudonym when you can just whip up something that totally sounds like it’s made up? Preferably, it should imply you’re a man with a very hard penis.
40. Jarret Jack, guard, Portland Trial Blazers
41. Rocco Baldelli, outfielder,
42. Robb Quinlan, first baseman, Los Angeles Angels (second “b” in Robb cements Quinlan’s trashy porn-name status)
43. Cody Ransom, shortstop,
44. Nick Swisher, outfielder,
45. B.J. Ryan, pitcher,
46. Kip Wells, pitcher,
47. Randy Wolf, pitcher,
48. Kerry Wood, pitcher,
49. Chet Mason, guard, Cleveland Cavaliers
50. Micki Dupont, defenseman,
51. Jeff Finger, defenseman,
52. Jeremy Shockey, tight end,
53. Michael Ryder, winger,
54. Ben Steele, tight end,
55. Brad Hoover, tight end, Carolina Panthers (gay industry’s answer to Jenna Jameson)
56. Nick Goings, running back,
57. Rock Cartwright, running back,
58. A.J. Feeley, quarterback,
59. Boss Bailey, linebacker,
60. Tank Williams, strong safety,
SERIOUSLY, THESE ARE REAL NAMES
These aren’t pornoriffic, per se. They just make us laugh. Like male porn stars who are out of shape and have to wear a T-shirt when they shoot a scene.
61. J.J. Furmaniak, shortstop,
62. Boof Bonser, pitcher,
63. John Vigilante, winger, Nashville Predators
64. Pooh Jeter, guard, Sacramento Kings
20 comments:
Regarding number 55. I think Dan Dedic or Dave Allison works equally well. Suck it you two!
Pooh Jeter - cleary an anal specialist.
Richie Incognito is sorely missed
Coco Crisp has played for the Red Sox since last year FYI
hilarious.
some from the coaching realm:
Lovie Smith, Jack Del Rio, Dick Jauron, Maurice Cheeks, Bobby Cox
All great names, but on of Nascar's older divers, Dick Trickle, is hard to beat.
Bubba Franks?
Donald Driver?
Marc Bulger?
Quentin Jammer?
MACK STRONG
You forgot Nook Logan, star of the Nook and Crannies series.
Huge oversight....what about Randy Johnson??
I'm not a Simmons supporter but this is a bit of a rip off
Q: What about "The Lindsey Hunter All Stars" for male athletes with names that make them sound like a hot girl? Members include Keary Colbert, Ashley Lelie, Lynn Greer, Andrea Bargnani and maybe even Zaza Pachulia? That could be a European supermodel chick to-be-sure. I'm sure I'm missing some obvious ones. Got any?
--Mike DeArmond, Minneapolis
SG: You missed Alexis Rios! How could you create a Lindsey Hunter All-Stars team and not include Alexis Rios??? I'd also include Tatum Bell, Samie Parker, Coco Crisp, Jamie Walker, Aubrey Huff, Jensen Lewis and Kelley Washington. Not sure where Boof Bonser fits into all of this though.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/070810
The QB coach for the Kansas City Chiefs is named Dick Curl.
No John Coutlangus?
Easy... Reggie Tongue and Billy Cundiff
Geez guys, Rich Harden. That one's a layup.
Great list. From the Chicago area, here are some I can think of off the top of my head -
Dick Pole
Tank Johnson
Daniael Manning
Dickey Simpkens
Lovie Smith
Others
Dick Stockton
Brian Cox
um Fukudome?
Paris Warren.
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