Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Thursday Challenge: 64 athletes whose names sound like porn names

Oh, give it to me, baby!


Raffi Torres.

What does he make you think of?

(a) A probably harmless yet mildly creepy children's musician?

(b) A stumpy, underachieving, undisciplined NHL winger with major heart and a booming shot?

(c) That guy who played the yacht captain in Naughty Nautica 5 and got his pole greased by Asia Carrera?

If you chose any of the above, you probably don't have much sexual intercourse. If you chose (c), you know your porn. Needless to say, we know our porn at Spirit of Jake Plummer, just like we know loneliness, infomercials, and Maury Povich.

Doesn't Raffi Torres sound like a new-age porn star? He got us thinking. What other pro athletes have porn names? We gave it a whirl and named 64 fine gentleman for our Thursday Challenge.

Just NHL, NFL, MLB and NBA here, folks. Fred Funk and friends will make the next list.

HOT CHICKS


You won’t find anyone named Ruth or Helen here, folks. These names scream fake boobies, rug burns and money shots.


1. Coco Crisp, outfielder, Boston Red Sox


2. Darcy Tucker, winger, Toronto Maple Leafs (fit little chick that dudes flip all over the place)


3. Aubrey Huff, first baseman, Baltimore Orioles (starring in Aubrey Huff: She’ll huff, puff, and blow your cock down)


4. Hunter Pence, OF, Houston Astros


5. Kiko Calero, P, Oakland Athletics (Asian schoolgirl fantasy)


6. Hayden Penn, P, Baltimore Orioles


7. Huston Street, P, Oakland Athletics


8. Sidney Crosby, center, Pittsburgh Penguins


9. Dallas Drake, winger, Detroit Red Wings


10. Jocelyn Thibault, goalie, Buffalo Sabres


11. Lindsey Hunter, guard, Detroit Pistons (sounds like an uberskank)


12. Jamario Moon, forward, Toronto Raptors


13. Lee Evans, wide receiver, Buffalo Bills


14. Tatum Bell, running back, Detroit Lions


15. Sidney Rice, wide receiver, Minnesota Vikings


16. Marcedes Lewis, tight end, Jacksonville Jaguars


17. Ashley Lelie, wide receiver, San Francisco 49ers


18. Devin Hester, wide receiver, Chicago Bears


19. Dominique Foxworth, cornerback, Denver Broncos


20. Kerry Rhodes, strong safety, New York Jets



DIRECTORS/PRODUCERS


A few gonzo projects aside, these guys work behind the camera. Without them, it’d be Sears Catalogue for you, chap.


21. Gabe Gross, outfielder, Milwaukee Brewers (mastermind behind famous Gabe Gross’ Stinkhouse series)


22. Dave Davidson, pitcher, Pittsburgh Pirates (2007 ERA: 22.50; number of ladies over 22 in Dave Davidson’s films: zero)


23. Alexander Semin, winger, Washington Capitals (won an AVN award for Semin’s Suckfest 8)


24. Smush Parker, guard, Miami Heat


25. Frank Gore, running back, San Francisco 49ers


26. Wes Welker, wide receiver, New England Patriots


27. Johnny Jolly, defensive tackle, Green Bay Packers (taps unique market with Big and Jolly series)



CHEESY, OBVIOUS RETRO PORN STARS WITH TRASHY FACIAL HAIR


Yes, we get it. Your name is Dick Cox. It reminds us of penises. It works perfectly because you star in pornography. Sigh. Viewers were so easy to please in 1976.


28. Lance Broadway, pitcher, Chicago White Sox (renowned for his work in musical adult film)


29. Kevin Cash, catcher, Boston Red Sox


30. Grady Sizemore, outfielder, Cleveland Indians


31. Rocky Cherry, pitcher, Baltimore Orioles (specializes in deflowering “virgins”)


32. Jimmy Gobble, pitcher, Kansas City Royals


33. Luther Head, guard, Houston Rockets


34. Reggie Bush, running back, New Orleans Saints (serves market for pubic hair fetishes/everyone born before 1970)


35. Bobby Blizzard, tight end, Cincinnati Bengals (best work in Wet Christmas and White Caps)


36. Aaron Moorehead, wide receiver, Indianapolis Colts


37. Rocky Bernard, defensive tackle, Seattle Seahawks


38. Nick Mangold, center, New York Jets


39. Damien Woody, center, Detroit Lions



GENERIC FAKE NAME GUYS


So you’ve chosen a life in pornography, but you’re still smart enough to realize you don’t want your real name pasted all over the credits. Hey, why bother putting any thought into a pseudonym when you can just whip up something that totally sounds like it’s made up? Preferably, it should imply you’re a man with a very hard penis.


40. Jarret Jack, guard, Portland Trial Blazers


41. Rocco Baldelli, outfielder, Tampa Bay Devil Rays


42. Robb Quinlan, first baseman, Los Angeles Angels (second “b” in Robb cements Quinlan’s trashy porn-name status)


43. Cody Ransom, shortstop, Houston Astros


44. Nick Swisher, outfielder, Oakland Athletics


45. B.J. Ryan, pitcher, Toronto Blue Jays


46. Kip Wells, pitcher, St. Louis Cardinals


47. Randy Wolf, pitcher, Los Angeles Dodgers


48. Kerry Wood, pitcher, Chicago Cubs


49. Chet Mason, guard, Cleveland Cavaliers


50. Micki Dupont, defenseman, St. Louis Blues


51. Jeff Finger, defenseman, Colorado Avalanche


52. Jeremy Shockey, tight end, New York Giants


53. Michael Ryder, winger, Montreal Canadiens


54. Ben Steele, tight end, Houston Astros


55. Brad Hoover, tight end, Carolina Panthers (gay industry’s answer to Jenna Jameson)


56. Nick Goings, running back, Carolina Panthers


57. Rock Cartwright, running back, Washington Redskins


58. A.J. Feeley, quarterback, Philadelphia Eagles


59. Boss Bailey, linebacker, Detroit Lions


60. Tank Williams, strong safety, Minnesota Vikings



SERIOUSLY, THESE ARE REAL NAMES


These aren’t pornoriffic, per se. They just make us laugh. Like male porn stars who are out of shape and have to wear a T-shirt when they shoot a scene.


61. J.J. Furmaniak, shortstop, Oakland Athletics


62. Boof Bonser, pitcher, Minnesota Twins


63. John Vigilante, winger, Nashville Predators


64. Pooh Jeter, guard, Sacramento Kings

20 comments:

Paul Barnes said...

Regarding number 55. I think Dan Dedic or Dave Allison works equally well. Suck it you two!

Anonymous said...

Pooh Jeter - cleary an anal specialist.

Anonymous said...

Richie Incognito is sorely missed

Anonymous said...

Coco Crisp has played for the Red Sox since last year FYI

Commish CH said...

hilarious.
some from the coaching realm:
Lovie Smith, Jack Del Rio, Dick Jauron, Maurice Cheeks, Bobby Cox

Mole said...

All great names, but on of Nascar's older divers, Dick Trickle, is hard to beat.

Anonymous said...

Bubba Franks?

Donald Driver?

Marc Bulger?

Quentin Jammer?

Anonymous said...

MACK STRONG

Anonymous said...

You forgot Nook Logan, star of the Nook and Crannies series.

Anonymous said...

Huge oversight....what about Randy Johnson??

Anonymous said...

I'm not a Simmons supporter but this is a bit of a rip off

Q: What about "The Lindsey Hunter All Stars" for male athletes with names that make them sound like a hot girl? Members include Keary Colbert, Ashley Lelie, Lynn Greer, Andrea Bargnani and maybe even Zaza Pachulia? That could be a European supermodel chick to-be-sure. I'm sure I'm missing some obvious ones. Got any?
--Mike DeArmond, Minneapolis

SG: You missed Alexis Rios! How could you create a Lindsey Hunter All-Stars team and not include Alexis Rios??? I'd also include Tatum Bell, Samie Parker, Coco Crisp, Jamie Walker, Aubrey Huff, Jensen Lewis and Kelley Washington. Not sure where Boof Bonser fits into all of this though.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/070810

Anonymous said...

The QB coach for the Kansas City Chiefs is named Dick Curl.

Anonymous said...

No John Coutlangus?

Anonymous said...

Easy... Reggie Tongue and Billy Cundiff

Mark P said...

Geez guys, Rich Harden. That one's a layup.

Anonymous said...

Great list. From the Chicago area, here are some I can think of off the top of my head -

Dick Pole
Tank Johnson
Daniael Manning
Dickey Simpkens
Lovie Smith

Others
Dick Stockton
Brian Cox

Anonymous said...

um Fukudome?

Anonymous said...

Paris Warren.

Anonymous said...

Hello! Wonderful topic, but will this really work?

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