What does he make you think of?
(a) A probably harmless yet mildly creepy children's musician?
(b) A stumpy, underachieving, undisciplined NHL winger with major heart and a booming shot?
(c) That guy who played the yacht captain in Naughty Nautica 5 and got his pole greased by Asia Carrera?
If you chose any of the above, you probably don't have much sexual intercourse. If you chose (c), you know your porn. Needless to say, we know our porn at Spirit of Jake Plummer, just like we know loneliness, infomercials, and Maury Povich.
Doesn't Raffi Torres sound like a new-age porn star? He got us thinking. What other pro athletes have porn names? We gave it a whirl and named 64 fine gentleman for our Thursday Challenge.
Just NHL, NFL, MLB and NBA here, folks. Fred Funk and friends will make the next list.
You won’t find anyone named Ruth or Helen here, folks. These names scream fake boobies, rug burns and money shots.
1. Coco Crisp, outfielder,
2. Darcy Tucker, winger, Toronto Maple Leafs (fit little chick that dudes flip all over the place)
3. Aubrey Huff, first baseman, Baltimore Orioles (starring in Aubrey Huff: She’ll huff, puff, and blow your cock down)
4. Hunter Pence, OF,
5. Kiko Calero, P, Oakland Athletics (Asian schoolgirl fantasy)
6. Hayden Penn, P,
8. Sidney Crosby, center, Pittsburgh Penguins
9. Dallas Drake, winger,
10. Jocelyn Thibault, goalie,
11. Lindsey Hunter, guard,
12. Jamario Moon, forward,
13. Lee Evans, wide receiver,
14. Tatum Bell, running back,
15. Sidney Rice, wide receiver,
16. Marcedes Lewis, tight end,
17. Ashley Lelie, wide receiver,
18. Devin Hester, wide receiver,
19. Dominique Foxworth, cornerback,
20. Kerry Rhodes, strong safety,
A few gonzo projects aside, these guys work behind the camera. Without them, it’d be Sears Catalogue for you, chap.
21. Gabe Gross, outfielder, Milwaukee Brewers (mastermind behind famous Gabe Gross’ Stinkhouse series)
22. Dave Davidson, pitcher, Pittsburgh Pirates (2007 ERA: 22.50; number of ladies over 22 in Dave Davidson’s films: zero)
23. Alexander Semin, winger, Washington Capitals (won an AVN award for Semin’s Suckfest 8)
24. Smush Parker, guard, Miami Heat
25. Frank Gore, running back,
26. Wes Welker, wide receiver,
27. Johnny Jolly, defensive tackle, Green Bay Packers (taps unique market with Big and Jolly series)
CHEESY, OBVIOUS RETRO PORN STARS WITH TRASHY FACIAL HAIR
Yes, we get it. Your name is Dick Cox. It reminds us of penises. It works perfectly because you star in pornography. Sigh. Viewers were so easy to please in 1976.
28. Lance Broadway, pitcher, Chicago White Sox (renowned for his work in musical adult film)
29. Kevin Cash, catcher,
30. Grady Sizemore, outfielder,
31. Rocky Cherry, pitcher, Baltimore Orioles (specializes in deflowering “virgins”)
32. Jimmy Gobble, pitcher,
33. Luther Head, guard, Houston Rockets
34. Reggie Bush, running back, New Orleans Saints (serves market for pubic hair fetishes/everyone born before 1970)
35. Bobby Blizzard, tight end, Cincinnati Bengals (best work in Wet Christmas and White Caps)
36. Aaron Moorehead, wide receiver,
37. Rocky Bernard, defensive tackle,
38. Nick Mangold, center,
39. Damien Woody, center,
GENERIC FAKE NAME GUYS
So you’ve chosen a life in pornography, but you’re still smart enough to realize you don’t want your real name pasted all over the credits. Hey, why bother putting any thought into a pseudonym when you can just whip up something that totally sounds like it’s made up? Preferably, it should imply you’re a man with a very hard penis.
40. Jarret Jack, guard, Portland Trial Blazers
41. Rocco Baldelli, outfielder,
42. Robb Quinlan, first baseman, Los Angeles Angels (second “b” in Robb cements Quinlan’s trashy porn-name status)
43. Cody Ransom, shortstop,
44. Nick Swisher, outfielder,
45. B.J. Ryan, pitcher,
46. Kip Wells, pitcher,
47. Randy Wolf, pitcher,
48. Kerry Wood, pitcher,
49. Chet Mason, guard, Cleveland Cavaliers
50. Micki Dupont, defenseman,
51. Jeff Finger, defenseman,
52. Jeremy Shockey, tight end,
53. Michael Ryder, winger,
54. Ben Steele, tight end,
55. Brad Hoover, tight end, Carolina Panthers (gay industry’s answer to Jenna Jameson)
56. Nick Goings, running back,
57. Rock Cartwright, running back,
58. A.J. Feeley, quarterback,
59. Boss Bailey, linebacker,
60. Tank Williams, strong safety,
SERIOUSLY, THESE ARE REAL NAMES
These aren’t pornoriffic, per se. They just make us laugh. Like male porn stars who are out of shape and have to wear a T-shirt when they shoot a scene.
61. J.J. Furmaniak, shortstop,
62. Boof Bonser, pitcher,
63. John Vigilante, winger, Nashville Predators
64. Pooh Jeter, guard, Sacramento Kings