The PUP (Probably Unfit for Print) list is our weekly NFL report.
Summarizing Week 5 in 50 Words or Less:
Indy proved it can score as long as Peyton is in the lineup. Green Bay proved it can’t win when it turns the ball over; Dallas proved it can. The Dolphins/Texans game proved Trent Green and Travis Johnson have roughly the same number of brain cells, but for different reasons.
Musings and Observations:
● Thanks to his upcoming suspension stemming from a positive drug test, the list of people who have been fucked by Travis Henry is now up to: the Bills, the Broncos, countless fantasy teams, his (at least) nine alimony-starved children and every other woman in Buffalo.
● While we’re on the subject, the Broncos are done; they can’t stop the run, their starting running back is a pothead, and their quarterback is playing like the guy who gave him that $12 haircut.
● What was with the Monday Night crew and Trent Edwards? Between Ron Jaworski and Tony Kornheiser giving him reach-arounds on national television, did anybody else notice the rookie quarterback led the Bills to a whopping three points? Buffalo scored on two interceptions and a kick return.
● The Monday Night guys also rambled on about Tony Romo’s “10 Commandments,” given to him by former coach Bill Parcells. You think “Thou shalt wipe that stupid fucking grin off your face and make a Goddamn play when you throw four first-half picks” is one of them?
● Terrell Owens is an asshole. Just a reminder.
● Chad Pennington sucks. Why is he still playing? He can’t challenge defenses downfield. The quarterback threw three interceptions against the Giants and led the offense to just one touchdown. Remember, it’s not like Thomas Jones suddenly became a bad running back; teams refuse to honour the pass. Moreover, if New York falls behind, it’s incapable of catching up because of Chad’s wet noodle. Kellen Clemens should have been starting for the Jets since the Baltimore game.
● Remember when Eric Mangini and Sean Payton were the toast of the NFL? They’re like the best man who organizes a sweet bachelor party filled with strippers and booze, but follows it up by losing the ring and ralphing on the bride during the ceremony
● David Garrard hasn’t thrown an interception since last December.
● Until this week, we thought Norv Turner was actually a scarecrow.
● If Jake Delhomme didn’t suck so much to begin with, we’d be worried about David Carr taking over at quarterback for the Panthers.
● If Trent Green didn’t suck so much to begin with, we’d be worried about Cleo Lemon taking over at quarterback for the Dolphins.
● If Damon Huard didn’t suck so much to begin with, we’d be worried about Brodie Croyle taking over at quarterback for the Chiefs.
● Apparently, Sunday’s Packer game was attended by Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel, Faith Hill, Taylor Hicks and Ashton Kutcher. What? How is that even possible? It’s Green Bay. It doesn’t matter if the Pack is undefeated or playing at hallowed Lambeau Field. That’s like the Queen going for dinner at Arby’s.
Choke on Your Cheesecake Stat of the Week:
Larry Johnson carried the ball nine times for 12 yards.
Kurt’s Krazy Komeback Watch:
Warner’s numbers weren’t spectacular (190 yards, one passing touchdown, one rushing touchdown, one pick), but he led Cardinals to a 34-31 win over his former team, the Rams. More importantly, Matt Leinart broke his collarbone and will miss extended action, meaning Warner has a chance to start for the 3-2 Cardinals. And by the way, the Ravens won on Sunday, also improving to 3-2. Does anyone else smell a Steve McNair-Kurt Warner Super Bowl rematch?
KKK Watch: stock rising
Week 4 Power Rankings:
1. New England Patriots: O-line dominating, Brady has been sacked just three times, Sammy Morris has two straight 100-yard rushing games
2. Indianapolis Colts: Even Cedric Benson could run for 100 in this offense
3. Dallas Cowboys: Best part of Monday night win was Jerry Jones chomping on cigar, wildly firing pistols into the air
4. Pittsburgh Steelers: Like SB XL, Super Bowl rematch sucked
5. Green Bay Packers: Second-half play calling more conservative than Ned Flanders
6. Tennessee Titans: Vince Young inexplicably defying the Madden curse
Suicide Watch: whose fans are slowly killing themselves inside by watching video of their wife getting double teamed by their best friend and worst enemy. No, worst enemy and brother. No, worst enemy and dad
Buffalo Bills. We can’t even imagine what the city looked like yesterday morning, though we’d wager it was eerily similar to Britain in Children of Men. How depressing was Monday’s loss? What is there to even look forward to in Buffalo besides sports? Shovel snow so you can get your ’88 Caprice out of the driveway? Heading to the plant and opening up your lunch pail to find out the wife went with roast beef instead of salami today?
If you missed it, this clip from Monday’s game pretty much sums things up.
Honorary Jake Plummer Award for Inexplicable Stupidity/Being a Complete Bust or Letdown/General Incompetence Watch:
1. New Orleans Saints, “football team” – season stats: 0-4, crushing the dreams of a city trying to rebuild itself in the wake of tragedy
Right now, Drew Brees would have a better chance playing with Notre Dame’s roster
2. Travis Henry, Broncos running back – season stats: 498 yards, one touchdown
Signed huge contract with team perfectly suited for his skills and likely to spring him to NFL rushing title; celebrated by getting high as shit
3. Phillip Rivers, Chargers quarterback – season stats: 1156 yards, seven touchdowns, six interceptions
Played well against Denver, but must keep it going
4. LaDainian Tomlinson, Chargers running back – season stats: 329 yards, 3.4 avg., 2 TDs
Posted Reggie Bush-like 67 yards on 21 carries, though total yardage wasn’t bad (140). Still on pace for just 1052 yards and 10 total touchdowns
5. Aaron Schobel, Bills defensive end – season stats: 10 tackles, 1.5 sacks
Had 26 sacks over past two seasons; SOJP unfairly blaming him for Bills’ woes/Kevin Everett
Moving out: Steven Jackson, Julius Peppers
Predictions for Week 6:
● Unconcerned with Chad Pennington’s “passing ability,” the Eagles eschew fielding a secondary, instead starting six defensive linemen and five linebackers. Philly wins in a walk
● Peyton Manning will throw as many touchdowns as Cleo Lemon. Peyton Manning is on a bye week.
● During a 24-17 loss to Oakland, Marty Schottenheimer, in attendance at Qualcomm Stadium, is shown on the jumbotron. Schottenheimer laughs maniacally and flips fans the finger
● Buffalonians shuffle through the streets like zombies as work productivity drops over 200 per cent. As a result, America suffers a shortage of chicken wings. Romeo Crennel refuses to coach another game until normalcy is restored; fans point out he really wasn’t coaching in the first place