Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Thursday Challenge: 115 of the scariest things in sports

Double, double, toil and trouble?

Or is it bubble, bubble, toil and trouble?

Seriously. We don't know what it is. Anyhoo, it's almost Halloween. That means trick or treating (buying "Nestle Favorites" box of candy from supermarket), costumes (wrapping self in toilet paper to create "mummy" getup) and girls (your neighbour Mrs. Wilson's boobs explode out of her genie costume. Who knew she still had 'em at 44 years old?).

It also means a unique and nightmarish Thursday challenge. We decided to name 115 things that frighten the feces out of us in sports today. Here goes:

  1. Gustavo Chacin’s face and existence
  2. Having unprotected sex with Travis Henry.
  3. Marrying Andrei Kirilenko
  4. Sharing a single bed with Dennis Rodman.
  5. The Colts and Pats playing to a tie in Week 9 and both teams finishing 15-0-1. Euuw.
  6. Darko Milicic dating your daughter.
  7. Vinny Testaverde’s knees.
  8. Underwear shopping with Marv Albert.
  9. The Germans.
  10. English soccer hooligans.
  11. Joy riding with Dany Heatley.
  12. Hopping on the back of Ben Roethlisberger’s Harley.
  13. John Henderson.
  14. Quinton “Rampage” Jackson.
  15. Bob Sapp.
  16. Bob Saget.
  17. Mike Tyson.
  18. Spirit of Jake Plummer’s 2007 MLB playoff predictions.
  19. Slamball.
  20. Little gymnast chicks like Kerri Strug who train so hard that they don’t grow properly.
  21. Chicks who like NASCAR.
  22. Anybody who likes NASCAR.
  23. Freddy Kruger. Think about it. He’s the scariest horror movie villain because, in a way, he’s real. If Freddy only lives in dreams, and we dream about Freddy, isn’t that the real Freddy?
  24. Dancing With the Stars.
  25. Everything about the New England Patriots.
  26. Randy Moss when he tries.
  27. Ilya Kovalchuk when he tries.
  28. Patrick Lalime whether he tries or not.
  29. Greg Oden’s prostate.
  30. Celtics starting fiv – er, the Celtics starting three.
  31. Sudden death overtime in the NHL playoffs when your team’s hemmed in its own zone.
  32. Ron Artest.
  33. Aliens.
  34. Chris Kaman.
  35. The young, suddenly sexy Chicago Blackhawks.
  36. Anyone who plays Tecmo Super Bowl enough to get this good.
  37. Clubber Lang.
  38. Going over the middle when Sean Taylor’s waiting for you.
  39. Shawne Merriman.
  40. Dick Jauron and his undead army.
  41. The city of Buffalo, New York.
  42. Eric Gagne with game on the line.
  43. Joel Zumaya’s fastball.
  44. Elijah Dukes’ super sperm.
  45. David Boston asking you to be his spotter at the gym.
  46. Sitting between Prince Fielder and David Wells on a crowded flight to Australia.
  47. Having Ozzie Guillen doing the toast at Lance Bass’ civil union.
  48. Being A-Rod’s pool boy.
  49. A three-hour lapdance featuring Phil Mickelson and his floppy, sweaty hooters.
  50. Working at Chris Chelios’ restaurant.
  51. Bud Selig headlining at The Improv.
  52. Michael Richards headlining at The Apollo.
  53. Manny Ramirez running a daycare.
  54. Drinking whiskey with Milton Bradley.
  55. People who think Dane Cook is funny.
  56. The Canadian Football League.
  57. Tiger with a lead on Sunday.
  58. Sending David Beckham to your mom’s Tupperware party.
  59. Jake Plummer.
  60. Rex Grossman starting for your favorite football team.
  61. 17 at Sawgrass.
  62. The Road Hole bunker.
  63. Mike Ditka wielding a microphone.
  64. Adrian Peterson in the open field.
  65. Shannon Sharpe “speaking.”
  66. Any Super Bowl halftime show.
  67. Roger Goodell.
  68. Being Michael Vick’s pet.
  69. Orenthal James Simpson.
  70. The Madden curse.
  71. All-Pro Football 2K8 on any console.
  72. Officer Shaquille O’Neal.
  73. Getting beat up by Marion Jones in prison.
  74. Bill Wuertz’s ghost.
  75. The palpable fear that you could be casually tossed to the curb like a piece of trash if you are diagnosed with cancer and are dating Lance Armstrong.
  76. Insufferable Boston fans.
  77. Appalachian State.
  78. WNBA players.
  79. The Williams sisters.
  80. Roger Federer.
  81. Insulting Zinedine Zidane’s family.
  82. Matt Millen somehow keeping his job long enough to get the Lions to 4-2.
  83. Any trade made by Mike Millbury.
  84. Garth Snow being a general manager of an NHL team that isn’t on his Xbox 360.
  85. John Madden’s rectum.
  86. Everything about Alexander Ovechkin.
  87. The Gameplan starring The Rock.
  88. The Comebacks starring Champ from Anchorman.
  89. Steamin’ Willie Beamen.
  90. Micah Owings batting.
  91. Being a Devil Rays fan.
  92. Being a Dolphins fan.
  93. Dan Marino’s fits of rage.
  94. The fact that Gus Johnson’s brain could rupture and his heart could explode at any moment.
  95. Scott Norwood attempting a game-winning field goal in the Super Bowl.
  96. Restaurants that serve mac and cheese (note: we may have ordered mac and cheese in a restaurant as we worked on this article).
  97. LenDale’s “training regimen” of watching reruns of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and washing down Big Macs with a nice, tall glass of turkey gravy.
  98. Anderson Silva.
  99. Getting in a bar fight with Forrest Griffin.
  100. Herm Edwards trying to manage the clock.
  101. Jonathan Papelbon
  102. Visiting HSBC Arena and giving up the first goal, leading to an overwhelming explosion of chaos and bedlam among bloodthirsty Sabres fans. When they get one, they usually get a bunch.
  103. Wearing BoSox gear in the Bronx.
  104. Wearing Yankee gear at Fenway.
  105. Wearing Royals gear.
  106. The Leafs’ blueline.
  107. Jose Theodore owning a Vezina and Hart trophy he didn’t steal or buy on Ebay.
  108. Golem (often referred to as “Michelle Tafoya”).
  109. Mike Ricci.
  110. Interviewing Joe Namath.
  111. Suggesting John Daly be the DD, followed by Daly slurring “I’ll fuckin’ show ya a designated driver,” grabbing an iron, and launching a golf ball through the window at White Castle.
  112. Sergio Garcia putting for the win.
  113. Hitting on/against Jennie Finch.
  114. Charlie Villanueva’s skin condition.
  115. Kevin Everett’s spine.
Throw your suggestions on the board.


Hayesism said...

John Henderson is a monster. In a fight, I could have a Louisville slugger and he could have his fists and still destroy me. If he tackled me, I would at least be in Kevin Everett's condition, if not worse.

Kevin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kevin said...

116. Game 1, World Series 2007

Anonymous said...

117. Kev the Intern's predictions and his life in general.

malcolm said...

Hahahaha incredible.

Can you guys please write just one article that doesn't make me hate my life as a Bills fan?

Archimedes said...

Going to a bar with JR Smith

Anonymous said...

That Techem guy is awesome!

Paul Barnes said...

116. Watching Arby pick up 17 year olds.

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