Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The PUP: Week 7


Summarizing Week 7 in 50 Words or Less:


We’ve officially reached the point where the only games left that actually matter are New England-Indianapolis in Week 9 and New England-Indianapolis in the AFC Championship game.


Musings and Observations:


● Mike Nolan and Jack Del Rio’s choice to wear suits this season was an excellent one, but maybe it’s time for Del Rio to go back to the golf shirt or windbreaker. During Monday’s blowout loss to the Colts, it wasn’t long before Del Rio was stalking the sidelines with his tie pulled loose and the top button on his collar undone. What kind of confidence does that disheveled look inspire? You think Vince Lombardi or Tom Landry would have loosened their ties on the sideline? Throw in the tired, “What now?” face he wore all night and it looked like his partner at the firm just stole Del Rio’s best client and ran away with his wife.


● Why not just switch Devin Hester to wide receiver completely? He’s not better than Rashied Davis or Mark Bradley?


● SOJP is desperately trying to ignore Eli Manning’s continuing development into a decent NFL quarterback.


● Don’t you hate games like Tennessee-Houston? On paper, it was an interesting match-up, but with Vince Young out and Matt Schaub injured early, it was about as appealing as one of your buddies farting in your mouth.


Two hours later you feel vindicated when the ticker pops up and Tennessee is romping by four touchdowns. Then the fourth quarter begins and suddenly the score is 29-14. “Heh,” you chuckle to yourself, “Sage Rosenfels threw a touchdown. Hilarious.” You’re still not really paying attention as Houston continues adding “garbage touchdowns” until you realize there’s two minutes left in the game and suddenly the Houston Rosenfels are only down by six. You’ve just missed the best game of the week because you were too busy watching close trash like Lions-Bucs.


● Somehow, Kansas City is 4-3. We didn’t expect them to win four games until September ’08.


● Also, if you haven’t been paying attention to KC’s Jared Allen, start.


● What happens to kickers when they celebrate after a big game? Rob Bironas nailed an NFL-record eight field goals against Houston, including the game winner, and obviously the team went out to celebrate afterward. Did the team truly appreciate him and treat him like gold, if only for a night? Or is it sort of like when you and your buddies are doing a birthday for that guy from work nobody really likes, but nobody ever told him to get lost so he just keeps hanging around, so you buy him tons of shots to make him throw up and send him home with a fat chick and no condoms?


● Jason Taylor is on the verge of snapping like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. All year he’s been throwing out hilarious quotes about the apocalyptic-like state of the Dolphins. “We can’t win in America,” Taylor said after the game, whose Dolphins travel to London, England this week. “Maybe we can win overseas.”


● Tom Brady is a machine. He comes out of the game after pumping Miami, takes off his gear, and starts fucking around on the sidelines, wondering what positions he and Gisele are gonna do tonight. Matt Cassel enters the game, craps the bed like Drew Carey after a chili-eating contest, gets yanked, and Brady goes back in. Four plays, 59 yards, touchdown, Tom Brady to Wes Welker. Un-but-slowly-becoming-believable.


● We think Kevin Williams actually died during a long fumble return touchdown against Dallas, which was called back anyway. We know you weigh 300-pounds, but c’mon. We expect that shit when Prince Fielder attempts a bunt, not from an NFL football player.


● With Ronnie Brown done for the year, please let the Dolphins bring Ricky Williams back to the comedy can continue.


Choke on Your Chow Mien Stat of the Week:


The Detroit Lions are 4-2.


Kurt’s Krazy Komeback Watch:


Despite wearing a bulky brace on his mangled left arm, Warner went 27 of 41 for 282 yards, a pair of scores and two picks. He put his team in position to win with a late drive to get within two points of Washington, and another that set up Neil Rackers for a game-winning field goal attempt. Rackers missed. Despite an admirable performance, the magic isn’t back yet.


KKK Watch: steady


Half-assed SOJP Apology of the Week:


Dear Brian Griese,


Despite you playing well and putting up some points, last week, we called the Bears offense pathetic. We’re sorry for the rips, even though we’re gonna do it again later in this column. Still, going from Rex Grossman to you is like going from Mountain Dew to Dr. Pepper. Woo…hoo?


Week 7 Power Rankings:


1. New England Patriots: Absolutely terrifying; can they be stopped?


2. Indianapolis Colts: 29 points against a tough Jacksonville defense


3. Dallas Cowboys: Sloppier than a drunken prom date, but a win is a win


4. New York Giants: Defense set up 24 points against San Fran


5. Green Bay Packers: Did McCarthy find a running game over the bye week?


6. Pittsburgh Steelers: Big Ben up to his kinda good/kinda crappy tricks


Suicide Watch: Whose fans are looking for an extension cord and a strong support beam in the basement?


Philadelphia Eagles. Brian Griese drives 97 yards in less than two minutes with no time outs. Brian Griese. Of the Chicago Bears. With no timeouts. Not good, Eagle fans. Not good.


Honorary Jake Plummer Award for Inexplicable Stupidity/Being a Complete Bust or Letdown/General Incompetence Watch:


1. New Orleans Saints – seasons stats: 2-4

Reggie Bush deserves lots of credit for the past two wins; his blood and guts running is making a difference for New Orleans. Maybe he can get them off this list


2. Donovan McNabb – season stats: 1447 passing yards, seven touchdowns, two interceptions

Eagles scoring less than a Dungeons & Dragons world champion; McNabb not the only one to blame, but we don’t care


3. Adrian Peterson – season stats: 670 yards, 6.2 avg., five touchdowns

Hype machine is out of control; anything less than 150 total yards a couple of scores per game is unsatisfactory


4. Travis Henry – seasons stats: 549 yards, 4.9 avg., one touchdown

Considering his scoring proficiency off the field, one touchdown isn’t good enough


5. Any team that kicks to Devin Hester – 23.6 yards per KR, 19.4 yards per PR, three touchdowns


Finally, somebody wised up; no special team touches for Hester versus Philly


Moving out: Chicago Bears defense


Kev’s Picks


Each Friday, Kev picks football games. Bear in mind, he is a parasite, a disease of football picking. His picks are more pathetic than Stephen Hawking trying to hit a piñata. You’ve been warned.


Each week, the PUP reviews the previous week’s picks:


Colts @ Jags (+3): Kev’s “upset special” was “upset” and “special” like a child with Down syndrome who can’t reach the cookie jar. Kev loses!


Titans @ Texans (+1): As usual, Kev is teased and screwed over by a current or former Dolphin; Sage Rosenfels can’t quite do enough to bring back the Texans. Kev loses!


Bears @ Eagles (-5.5): SOJP’s star prognosticator rips Bears’ defense; Chicago responds by holding Philly to 16 points. Kev loses!


Steelers (-3.5) @ Broncos: Pittsburgh runs for 119 yards, but it’s nowhere near the rushing romp the Intern expected. Kev loses!


Ravens (-3) @ Bills: Perhaps the Intern should have cared a little more about his pick in the “Who Cares Bowl” of the week; this cost him a $500 bet (well… plus the other four losses). Kev loses!


This week: 0-5 (holy hell!)


Season record: 3-7


Predictions for Week 7:


Vinny Testaverde goes into cardiac arrest after Dwight Freeney puts a helmet in his sternum. He convulses on the sidelines throughout the second quarter as David Carr replaces him and throws three picks. At halftime, Panthers team doctor Pat Connor saves Testaverde’s life with a defibrillator. Standing in the corner of the dressing room, chomping on gum, his hands on his broad knees, head coach John Fox has an idea.


CONNOR: ….he’s not doing well, John. I, I saved him…this time. But I don’t know how many more times I can –


FOX: You’re not paid to predict the future, Doc. Get out the smelling salts and cortisone and morphine, or whatever the hell it is you need to get Vinny on that football field.


CONNOR: But coach Fox, this is suicide!


FOX: Last time I checked, suicide means killing yourself. And this choice has nothing to do with Vinny. This is more like Eucalyptus.


CONNOR: Euthanasia?


FOX: Right. Ok, good talk, then. Let’s revive Vinny and win a fuckin’ football game.


A gurgling sound explodes from the trainer’s table. Testaverde coughs up blood and tries to speak.


VINNY: g-glurp…oh God…oh Jesus….help me. Please. I…I’m dying.


FOX: Vinny, you’re here, baby, Coach Fox is here. You’re back. Let’s get on that football field. DOC, GET OVER HERE! HE’S TALKING! HE WANTS BACK INTO THE GAME!


VINNY: No….please…I…I see my grandparents….I see….my old golden retriever Ralphie.


CONNOR: Oh my God. Coach, we can’t do this!


FOX: Doc, you’re a good man. Now gimme that needle and look away. Let’s see here…can’t be much to it…just jam into the affected area, right?


Fox stabs a cortisone injection into Testaverde’s heart. Testaverde jumps from the operating table and stumbles into Fox.


VINNY: I’m cold…


FOX: Well, we best get you warmed up then, son. Ride the bike, son. Ride the bike. We got a game to win. OK, PANTHERS, COME ON, NOW, LET’S COME TO PLAY, I DON’T CARE IF IT’S 21-0 RIGHT NOW, VINNY’S BACK BABY, VINNY’S BACK, LET’S GO!


CONNOR: …I hate my job.


Testaverde throws two TDs and a pick in the second half as the Panthers fall 42-17 to Indy. He is not available for post game comments and isn’t seen at practice all week.

2 comments:

malcolm said...

Hahahaha fuck you, Kev. Take Buffalo this week.

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