The worst killers in sports history

There have been many killers in the history of sport, guys you feared as the clock slowly wound down to zero.

Joe Montana. Wayne Gretzky. Mariano Rivera. MJ.

But none of them holds a candle to these guys. Some are in prison. Some accidentally played the role of Grim Reaper. Some botched the job worse than Brad Lidge trying to close a game after the 2005 NLCS.

Without further ado, here are the worst killers in sports. May they rot in hell (OK, maybe not Dany Heatley).

COULDN’T FINISH THE JOB

Ugeth Urbina
Stats: 44-49, 3.45 ERA, 237 saves, two-time all-star; began serving 14-year sentence for attempted murder on March 28, 2007

A traffic jam when you’re already late isn’t ironic. A major league closer who can’t close out a murder is.

Urbina was convicted of attempted murder after allegedly attacking farm workers who he claimed stole a pistol from his house. The victims claimed Urbina and several friends hacked the shit out of them with machetes, beat them and burned them. Sounds like Ugie was watching too much Hostel and not enough game film.

He’s currently serving a 14-year sentence for the crime and probably getting pummeled up the bum as you read these words.

That Northern Colorado punter who stabbed the other Northern Colorado punter
Stats: 5’10”, 214 lbs, former backup punter for the Northern Colorado Bears; stabbed starting punter in September 2006, faces attempted murder charges and 48 years in prison

Normally, a punter stops shanking to earn a starting job. Northern Colorado Bears punter Mitch Cozad took another approach, however, jumping starter Rafael Mendoza in a dark parking lot and stabbing him the back of his kicking leg, leaving a deep gash that bled severely.

“He's always been different,” said high school teammate Matt Carberry after the stabbing. “Not stabbing-people different, but different.”

If you ask us, Carberry and his teammates are the ones who should be charged with attempted murder. Had they ostracized Cozad for being different like most high school football players would have, Cozad would have quit the team and we could have avoided this whole mess.

Mike Danton
Stats: nine goals, five assists and 182 PIMS in 87 NHL games; pleaded guilty to attempting to hire a hitman

We’ll file Mikey under “weird and creepy” -- not the cool, stories-around-the-campfire weird and creepy, but kid-in-a-long-black-trenchcoat-who-writes-you-poetry-and-stares-at-you-during-class weird and creepy.

In 2004, the scrappy, crappy St. Louis Blues winger pleaded guilty to attempting to hire a hitman to whack scuzzbag David Frost -- Danton's agent.

Toss in Frost’s criminal record of pedophilia and a taped phone call in which he made Danton say “I love you” and you have a bizarre case. Can we blame Danton for wanting to off a kiddie diddler?

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, I SWEAR!

Jayson Williams
Stats: averaged 7.3 points and 7.5 rebounds in 475 NBA games, one all-star selection; charged with one count of reckless manslaughter after accidentally shooting limo driver

While giving a tour of his house, the former New Jersey Nets centre “accidentally” unloaded a shotgun on limo driver Costas “Gus” Christofi, killing him. Don’t you just hate that? You know, when you’re chillin’, walking around your house twirling a loaded shotgun and it somehow Dick Cheneys your driver?

It didn’t help Williams’ situation when his pals tampered with the crime scene to make it look like a suicide.

Christofi wasn’t the only thing Williams ran into the ground; he bought a National Lacrosse League expansion franchise for the 2002 season and it was dead by 2006.

Dany Heatley
Stats: 389 points in 354 career games, scored 50 goals in each of the past two seasons, Calder Trophy winner in 2002, All-Star MVP in 2003, Eastern Conference champ in 2007; crashed Ferrari in September 2003, killing teammate Dan Snyder, pleaded guilty to second-degree manslaughter

Wanting to shake things up, Dany Heatley took a night off from driving to the net and instead drove his Ferrari into a wall, killing teammate and friend Dan Snyder. A few years later Heatley asked to be traded, as he was still dogged by reminders of Snyder’s death.

Oddly, he hasn’t killed Ottawa and has in fact been rather productive. Also, you get the feeling most people have finally forgiven Heatley (Snyder, an undrafted free agent, wasn’t very good anyway).

CRIMES OF PASSION

Ivan Drago
Stats: 261 lbs, Olympic gold medallist, undefeated amateur boxing champion of the world; beat former U.S. heavyweight champ Apollo Creed to death in 1985 exhibition match

This machine-like steroid monkey killed former heavyweight champion Apollo Creed with a barrage of blows in the second round of their exhibition match. Though Drago didn’t intentionally kill Apollo -- we think -- his cold reaction is enough to earn him a spot on this list: “If he dies, he dies.”

Plus, with the commies struggling to keep things rolling as the Cold War drew to a close, Drago was probably one of the few dudes in the East with a healthy diet. Who knows how many malnourished Ruskies he put down before his voyage to America?

Pacman Jones
Stats: Tennessee Titans’ first-round draft pick in 2005, had four interceptions and four total return touchdowns in 2006; hasn’t killed anyone yet but you know it’s coming

Be honest -- if you had to bet your life on what would come first, the Titans winning a Super Bowl or Pacman shooting a stripper in the face, which would you choose? Yeah, we thought so. Call your bookie today!

COLD-BLOODED KILLAZ

Orenthal James Simpson
Stats: 11,236 rushing yards, 75 touchdowns, first player in NFL history to rush for 2,000 yards, six-time Pro Bowler; didn’t kill Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman

The Juice earns a high spot on this list considering he didn’t actually kill anybody (wink!). Seriously, though, are there any new O.J. jokes left? We need a fresh angle. Can someone get on some Ron Goldman jokes or something?

Chris Benoit
Stats: One WWE World Heavyweight title, three WWE World Tag Team titles, four WWE Intercontinental titles, three WWE U.S titles, one WCW World Heavyweight title, two WCW U.S. Heavyweight titles, two WCW World Tag Team titles; murdered wife Nancy and son Daniel, then committed suicide

Turns out the Canadian Crippler was the Canadian Strangler/Smotherer. Killing your own family? Nothing can match that sheer cold-bloodedness.

This one’s still a freshie, so let’s not strangle, er, beat it to death any further.

Rae Carruth
Stats: First team All-American with Colorado in 1996, first-round draft pick in 1997, led all rookie receivers in catches, yards and touchdowns; hired someone to shoot his pregnant wife four times while following alongside in another vehicle, sentenced to 18-24 years of prison

An absolute coward by anyone’s standards, Carruth had his pregnant girlfriend killed -- her baby was saved -- and fled police before being caught in a car trunk with $3,900 in cash, extra clothes, some candy bars and bottles to hold his urine.

The bastard was found not guilty of first-degree murder, avoided the death penalty and is now serving a paltry 18-24 years for conspiracy to commit murder, shooting into an occupied vehicle, and using an instrument to destroy a baby. We can only hope Carruth’s prison mates are using an instrument to destroy his anus as we speak.