Three Stars (and one guy whose job is less stable than a 15-year-old working at Burger King who always comes in hung over on Sundays)

Last night’s studs:

1. MIKE LOWELL --The BoSox three-bagger continued his 2007 rebirth with five hits last night, including a three-run homer and five RBI. It was against shitty, shitty Tampa Bay, though. How can anyone justify being a Rays fan? We’d rather watch a bunch of fat chicks play softball. Why do so many fat chicks play softball and/or bowl, anyway? It’s funny – if you’re a fat chick, you probably play a couple sports, but if you’re a fat guy, you probably play zero sports.

2. CHIPPER JONES -- The All-American boy hit two bombs last night to break Dale Murphy’s all-time Atlanta Braves home run record. He also homered from both sides of the plate for the seventh time in his career. Who hits a home run from both sides of the plate? Crazy. It's like when you're playing softball with a bunch of chicks and they're terrible, but one ends up showing decent pop and drives a double into the corner (it should have been a triple but chicks suck at base running, even if they have decent pop).

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS INFIELD -- We were wondering how Adam Wainright, who’s been pretty much a piece of dung this season, posted a statline of 7 IP, 2 ER, 5H, 4K. The answer: his infield bailed him the hell out with five double plays. And we’re not talking about the crappy softball double plays with chicks who don’t know what tagging up is and get doubled off on every flyout. These were legit twin killings.

ONE GUY WHOSE JOB IS LESS STABLE THAN A 15-YEAR-OLD WORKING AT BURGER KING WHO ALWAYS COMES IN HUNG OVER ON SUNDAYS:

J.P. RICCIARDI. At first glance, Ricciardi may look heroic for calling A.J. Burnett soft. But the reality is J.P knows his job’s slipping away and he’s lashing out at anyone he can find. Blaming the Jays’ struggles on Burnett’s lack of toughness? Come on, J.P. It’s your organization’s fault Burnett’s arm was handled worse than Blanket Jackson.

J.P. will be lucky if he's managing a chick softball team next year...