Thursday, July 5, 2007

The worst killers in sports history

There have been many killers in the history of sport, guys you feared as the clock slowly wound down to zero.

Joe Montana. Wayne Gretzky. Mariano Rivera. MJ.

But none of them holds a candle to these guys. Some are in prison. Some accidentally played the role of Grim Reaper. Some botched the job worse than Brad Lidge trying to close a game after the 2005 NLCS.

Without further ado, here are the worst killers in sports. May they rot in hell (OK, maybe not Dany Heatley).


Ugeth Urbina
Stats: 44-49, 3.45 ERA, 237 saves, two-time all-star; began serving 14-year sentence for attempted murder on March 28, 2007

A traffic jam when you’re already late isn’t ironic. A major league closer who can’t close out a murder is.

Urbina was convicted of attempted murder after allegedly attacking farm workers who he claimed stole a pistol from his house. The victims claimed Urbina and several friends hacked the shit out of them with machetes, beat them and burned them. Sounds like Ugie was watching too much Hostel and not enough game film.

He’s currently serving a 14-year sentence for the crime and probably getting pummeled up the bum as you read these words.

That Northern Colorado punter who stabbed the other Northern Colorado punter
Stats: 5’10”, 214 lbs, former backup punter for the Northern Colorado Bears; stabbed starting punter in September 2006, faces attempted murder charges and 48 years in prison

Normally, a punter stops shanking to earn a starting job. Northern Colorado Bears punter Mitch Cozad took another approach, however, jumping starter Rafael Mendoza in a dark parking lot and stabbing him the back of his kicking leg, leaving a deep gash that bled severely.

“He's always been different,” said high school teammate Matt Carberry after the stabbing. “Not stabbing-people different, but different.”

If you ask us, Carberry and his teammates are the ones who should be charged with attempted murder. Had they ostracized Cozad for being different like most high school football players would have, Cozad would have quit the team and we could have avoided this whole mess.

Mike Danton
Stats: nine goals, five assists and 182 PIMS in 87 NHL games; pleaded guilty to attempting to hire a hitman

We’ll file Mikey under “weird and creepy” -- not the cool, stories-around-the-campfire weird and creepy, but kid-in-a-long-black-trenchcoat-who-writes-you-poetry-and-stares-at-you-during-class weird and creepy.

In 2004, the scrappy, crappy St. Louis Blues winger pleaded guilty to attempting to hire a hitman to whack scuzzbag David Frost -- Danton's agent.

Toss in Frost’s criminal record of pedophilia and a taped phone call in which he made Danton say “I love you” and you have a bizarre case. Can we blame Danton for wanting to off a kiddie diddler?


Jayson Williams
Stats: averaged 7.3 points and 7.5 rebounds in 475 NBA games, one all-star selection; charged with one count of reckless manslaughter after accidentally shooting limo driver

While giving a tour of his house, the former New Jersey Nets centre “accidentally” unloaded a shotgun on limo driver Costas “Gus” Christofi, killing him. Don’t you just hate that? You know, when you’re chillin’, walking around your house twirling a loaded shotgun and it somehow Dick Cheneys your driver?

It didn’t help Williams’ situation when his pals tampered with the crime scene to make it look like a suicide.

Christofi wasn’t the only thing Williams ran into the ground; he bought a National Lacrosse League expansion franchise for the 2002 season and it was dead by 2006.

Dany Heatley
Stats: 389 points in 354 career games, scored 50 goals in each of the past two seasons, Calder Trophy winner in 2002, All-Star MVP in 2003, Eastern Conference champ in 2007; crashed Ferrari in September 2003, killing teammate Dan Snyder, pleaded guilty to second-degree manslaughter

Wanting to shake things up, Dany Heatley took a night off from driving to the net and instead drove his Ferrari into a wall, killing teammate and friend Dan Snyder. A few years later Heatley asked to be traded, as he was still dogged by reminders of Snyder’s death.

Oddly, he hasn’t killed Ottawa and has in fact been rather productive. Also, you get the feeling most people have finally forgiven Heatley (Snyder, an undrafted free agent, wasn’t very good anyway).


Ivan Drago
Stats: 261 lbs, Olympic gold medallist, undefeated amateur boxing champion of the world; beat former U.S. heavyweight champ Apollo Creed to death in 1985 exhibition match

This machine-like steroid monkey killed former heavyweight champion Apollo Creed with a barrage of blows in the second round of their exhibition match. Though Drago didn’t intentionally kill Apollo -- we think -- his cold reaction is enough to earn him a spot on this list: “If he dies, he dies.”

Plus, with the commies struggling to keep things rolling as the Cold War drew to a close, Drago was probably one of the few dudes in the East with a healthy diet. Who knows how many malnourished Ruskies he put down before his voyage to America?

Pacman Jones
Stats: Tennessee Titans’ first-round draft pick in 2005, had four interceptions and four total return touchdowns in 2006; hasn’t killed anyone yet but you know it’s coming

Be honest -- if you had to bet your life on what would come first, the Titans winning a Super Bowl or Pacman shooting a stripper in the face, which would you choose? Yeah, we thought so. Call your bookie today!


Orenthal James Simpson
Stats: 11,236 rushing yards, 75 touchdowns, first player in NFL history to rush for 2,000 yards, six-time Pro Bowler; didn’t kill Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman

The Juice earns a high spot on this list considering he didn’t actually kill anybody (wink!). Seriously, though, are there any new O.J. jokes left? We need a fresh angle. Can someone get on some Ron Goldman jokes or something?

Chris Benoit
Stats: One WWE World Heavyweight title, three WWE World Tag Team titles, four WWE Intercontinental titles, three WWE U.S titles, one WCW World Heavyweight title, two WCW U.S. Heavyweight titles, two WCW World Tag Team titles; murdered wife Nancy and son Daniel, then committed suicide

Turns out the Canadian Crippler was the Canadian Strangler/Smotherer. Killing your own family? Nothing can match that sheer cold-bloodedness.

This one’s still a freshie, so let’s not strangle, er, beat it to death any further.

Rae Carruth
Stats: First team All-American with Colorado in 1996, first-round draft pick in 1997, led all rookie receivers in catches, yards and touchdowns; hired someone to shoot his pregnant wife four times while following alongside in another vehicle, sentenced to 18-24 years of prison

An absolute coward by anyone’s standards, Carruth had his pregnant girlfriend killed -- her baby was saved -- and fled police before being caught in a car trunk with $3,900 in cash, extra clothes, some candy bars and bottles to hold his urine.

The bastard was found not guilty of first-degree murder, avoided the death penalty and is now serving a paltry 18-24 years for conspiracy to commit murder, shooting into an occupied vehicle, and using an instrument to destroy a baby. We can only hope Carruth’s prison mates are using an instrument to destroy his anus as we speak.


Mark P said...

Man, my suggestion of Carl Mays was rejected? The dude threw a pitch that killed Ray Chapman! What more does he have to do?

malcolm said...

Don't worry, I've got your backs. I've already written a Ron Goldman joke into my Buffalo Bills preview, coming later today at!

Kevin said...

What about Alexander Perezhogin? He tried to kill someone on the ice!

Ps- am I the only one who thinks that the announcer from TSN who's name escapes me looks a little like Hurk?

Anonymous said...

who the hell wants to read a buffalo bills preview? why not make it easy by just saying "the weather is gonna be cold, the people are gonna be hicks, and the team is gonna suck."

Raskolnikov said...

No Michael Pittman?

JMP said...

Can Fred Lane's wife (Deidre?) be included?

Rae Carruth's Trunk said...

Eh, bit late:

Garth Tingey said...

Don't forget about Julio Machado either:

Anonymous said...

Didn't Cory Lidle kill his flying instructor?

Anonymous said...

How about Leonard Little, the most despicable professional athlete still playing?

Anonymous said...

Leonard Little?

Anonymous said...

Yeah... that piece of trash Leonard Little needs to be at the top of any list like this.

left nut said...

what about Donnie Moore, Pelle Lindbergh and Drazen Petrovic?

they were all efficient killaz

or maybe in Moore's case, dave 'hendu' henderson pulled the trigger

Anonymous said...

Favorite Ron Goldman joke:

What did Ron say when he met Nicole in heaven?

"Here's your fucking glasses!"

A said...

David Wesley killing Bobby Phills.

Jordi said...

Rumor has it Ty Cobb pistol-whipped a man to death. That's a killa.

Anonymous said...

How could you leave Henley off your list?

Eric said...

Don't forget Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini.

Andy Kuhn said...

I wonder how many people Eddie Sutton has killed when driving drunk? Or bob huggins for that matter

Anonymous said...

Lets not forget about Don King, folks. Only in America!

Anonymous said...


He stabbed a guy! How does he not make the list? Oh, that's right, he passed the knife on and then 'obstructed justice'. My bad.

Anonymous said...

no one wants to say anything bad about ray lewis for fear of getting stabbed to death themselves. he's a mean dude.

Mr. Bad Example said...

In the spirit of international cooperation, I have a few cases from "South of the Border":

CARLOS MONZON: Argentinean boxer. Held the middleweight title of the WBC and WBA for about seven years, during the 70's. Was stabbed by first wife. Threw second wife off a balcony, killing her and earning an 11 year sentence. Died in a car crash while on a weekend furlough.

GONZALO FARFAN: Mexican soccer player with America. Ran over 3 roadside workers while driving under the influence, killing all of them. Walked on bail (that's the Mexican justice system for ya).

RAMON RAMIREZ: Mexican soccer player with Chivas Guadalajara. Crashed his car while rushing to the airport, killing 3 members of a family who were travelling in the opposite direction. Also walked.

AURELIO RIVERA: Mexican soccer player with Puebla. Ran over two marathon runners while intoxicated, killing them. Got two years. Walked after a few months.

ISAAC TERRAZAS: Mexican soccer player with Veracruz. Ran over two bike driving kids, killing a 14 year old. Walked on bail.

What did we learn today, kids?

Paul Barnes said...

That mexicans are dirty and nobody likes them?

Anonymous said...

And who can forget Dusty Baker who killed the arms of some of the best young pitchers in the game, Mark Prior and Kerry Wood. It's no wonder the Cubs are approaching 100 years without a World Series, with assholes like Baker ruining the teams chances for legitimate title runs earlier this century.

p.s. little known fact. Cubbie's won back-to-back in 1907 and 1908.

Anonymous said...

Where's OJ Simpson?

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking that Michael Vick has now earned a place on this list...killed his deal with Nike...killed his chances of getting laid by hot chicks from the SPCA...killed a bunch of bitches in his 4-legged fight club.