Snow takes desperate measures in free-agent negotiations

ISLANDERS GM MAKES INDECENT PROPOSAL TO SMYTH IN LATE-NIGHT PHONE CALL

Spirit of Jake Plummer staffers shop at those losery Spy Tech stores; we buy bugs and plant those bugs in houses. One such house belonged to New York Islanders backup goal- er, general manager Garth Snow.

We intercepted the following phone call early this morning:

VOICE CONFIRMED TO BE NEWLY SIGNED COLORADO AVALANCHE WINGER RYAN SMYTH: …hello?

SNOW: Ryan.

SMYTH: Yeah?

SNOW: Ryan.

SMYTH: Yes?

SNOW: Ryan.

SMYTH: HELLO?

SNOW: Ryan. It’s Garth. It’s…it’s Garth Snow here.

SMYTH: Garth? What the---man, what time is it?

SNOW: It’s about 10:30. 10: 27 to be exact.

SMYTH: What the fuck, man, it’s 2:42 a.m. I just looked at my clock. What are you doing calling me at 2:42 a.m.?

SNOW: Yeah…my clock’s broken. My pet broke it. My cat…dog. My –

SMYTH: Garth, why are you calling me now?

SNOW: Ok, Ryan. We’re business men here, aren’t we? Let’s do some eleventh hour crazy cowboy shit, let’s –

SMYTH: What are you talking about?

SNOW: …

SMYTH: OK, so you’re calling to make me another offer. Garth, I told you, I wouldn’t even take seven mil to go back to Long Island. I hate it there. I –

SNOW: Yeah, but would you take 12 mil? Huh?

SMYTH: That’s not even possible under the new rules. Garth, you have to stop calling me. You know I picked a new team. You saw on TV that I signed with Colorado.

SNOW: Oh yeah? Well you know who else picked a new team? Alexander Ovechkin. And guess what team he picked, Ryan?

SMYTH: He’s not even a free agent, Garth. Jesus Christ. You signed those pricks Guerin and Comrie, not Ovechkin. I’m hanging up –

SNOW: I SAID, do you know what team Ovechkin picked?

SMYTH: ……

SNOW. The New York Rangers, that’s who.

SMYTH:…you mean Islanders.

SNOW: Yeah, that’s what I said.

SMYTH: No, you said Rangers.

SNOW: I think I would know what I said.

SMYTH: ….fuck. Whatever. OK, you said Islanders. And I’m hanging up the phone now, Garth.

SNOW : Wait! Wait…I have one final offer. It’s a winner.

SMYTH: I’m sure it is. I’m gonna pass, though Ga –

SNOW: You like…tits? Legs? You like it when some hot…slut…is on you?

SMYTH: What? Stop talking.

SNOW: My wife, Erica…she’s a treasure. She’ll treat you nice. She’ll do whatever you want. You want her to shit on ya?

SMYTH: (click).