Well, we’re about a quarter of the way through the 2007-2008 NHL season. Now would be a good time to get the experts’ opinion on the season so far. After Scotty Bowman, Don Cherry, John Davidson, Brett Hull, Donald Trump, Rosie O’Donnell, Condoleezza Rice, Montel Williams and Janeane Garofolo didn’t return our calls, we went with our backup guy.
You know his name.
Time to welcome back…New York Islanders general manager and regular SOJP contributor Garth Snow!
SOJP: Well, Garth, it’s “good” to have you back.
SNOW: Yep, you know it. Garth the Shark is back.
SOJP: Is that supposed to rhyme?
SNOW: Yeah. Garth. Shark. It’s pretty simple logic.
SOJP: Well, kind of. But…it doesn’t really rhyme. “Arth” and “ark?”
SNOW: I’m like a poet, eh? Or a rapper? Garth Snow’s the name, gonna send you into a craze…
SOJP: …OK. So that wasn’t supposed to rhyme, right?
SNOW: Hello…”name” and “craze”? It rhymes, man. You just aren’t gangsta enough, I guess.
SOJP: Sigh. Yeah, I guess. So…how about that NHL?
SOJP: The NHL.
SOJP: The NHL. Hockey. We called you to talk about it. What do you think of the season so far?
SNOW: The season, eh? You are an inquisitive one, aren’t you?
SOJP: Sure am. So, the Islanders. Pretty amazing. How are you guys doing it so far?
SNOW: Well, you see…things are…going to get better. We’ll tough it out….and…break…our…streak…of losses?
SOJP: Hmm. Losses, eh? Garth, do me a favour. Tell me your team’s record.
SOJP: You won’t tell me?
SOJP: Or you don’t know?
SOJP: Garth. Garth. Look at me. I’m opening the newspaper. I’m flipping to the sports section. I’m reading the standings. Your New York Islanders are 11-6-0. Three points out of first in the division.
SNOW:…I….yeah…I…I knew that. I…YEAH! WOO! This is…great. I have to call my parents.
SOJP: Glad to bear the good news. Garth. Now, I was hoping to get your early season MVP candidate…
SNOW: Hmm, let me just rub my crystal ball here…yes, yes…..I’m seeing…Owen Nolan.
SOJP: …yeah. Have you watched any hockey this season, Garth?
SNOW: Define “watched.”
SNOW: I “watched” the hockey standings in this newspaper you speak of. It’s like a paper television. It’s going to change the world. So…I’m a regular viewer?
SOJP: What? Please, Garth, earn the JC Penney gift certificate, for Christ’s sake. Give us some wisdom.
SNOW: I haven’t had sex with my wife in four months.
SNOW: I…I just need someone to talk to, and –
SNOW Oh God, I’m sorry. I’M SORRY! Fine. Uh…ok. Ok. Hockey insight. Well….I went to
SNOW: and we did some coke, and drank scotch…
SNOW: and he told me…that he’s contracting the Ottawa Senators, Calgary Flames and Edmonton Oilers.
SNOW: And…there’s a
SOJP: Holy shit!
SNOW: I know. I’ll take my gift certificate now.
SOJP: Not so fast. What’s the name of the Dominican franchise?
SNOW: The Robots.
SOJP: The Robots.
SNOW: The Robots.
SOJP: OK. Get the fuck out.
SNOW: What? But I gave you the goods.
SOJP: Get out before I call the cops.
SNOW: …yes sir.
SOJP: Let’s never do this again.
SNOW…OK…I….NOOOOOOO! PLEASE! PLEASE HELP ME! OH…GOD….MY WIFE THREW ME OUT…I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I’M DOING…I TRIED TO TRADE FOR SIDNEY CROSBY BUT THEY SAID NO…OH…OH…HELP ME….
SOJP: Sigh. OK. Stand up, Garth. Reach out your hand.
SOJP: Take the gift certificate. Now go.
SNOW: Oh…thank you…thank you! God bless you. I’ll make it up to you.
SOJP: That’s nice. Goodbye, Garth.