Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Hottie Hall of Fame: Who Belongs?



Canada was abuzz last week. No, it wasn’t because of the improved dollar or a new ice fishing innovation. It was Hockey Hall of Fame week, and this year’s class – Mark Messier, Ron Francis, Al MacInnis and Scott Stevens – may be the greatest ever. Also, Eric Lindros retired two weeks ago, sparking major debate about whether or not he’s HOF material.


That got us thinking. Thinking about boobies ‘n’ stuff. Then we smushed a bunch of ideas together and came up with this:


Shouldn’t we be talking more about the All-time Hot Chick Hall of Fame? Yes, that exists. We don’t have to review old faves; we know Marilyn Monroe and Sophia Loren are in. Thanks, Gramps. More importantly, we should gauge who’s on the verge of entering it, who has potential to get there, and who will fall short despite some people’s beliefs.


Let’s break down the ladies we think should be mentioned in the same breath as “Hall of Fame” and “piece of ass.”



FIRST BALLOT HALL OF FAMERS

Halle Berry, Beyonce, Angelina Jolie

Sports equivalent: Derek Jeter


Years of excellence have pushed these individuals beyond superstar status; they’re ambassadors of the game. A given starlet may not be your cup of tea, but she sure as hell should have your respect. Even their greatest haters can’t deny their Hall worthiness. Jennifer Aniston hates Jolie, Sox fans hate Jeter, and Dog the Bounty Hunter hates black people. But none of them is crazy enough to say Jeter sucks at baseball or that these ladies don’t belong in the Hottie Hall of Fame. Well, Dog might be.



ALWAYS GREAT, NEVER THE BEST, BUT A LOCK FOR THE HALL OF FAME

Mariah Carey, Kim Basinger, Tyra Banks, Heather Locklear, Cindy Crawford, Elizabeth Hurley, Sharon Stone, Pamela Anderson

Athlete equivalent: Tom Glavine


These perennial all-stars never really blew people away, but they never faltered. Year in, year out, they made our mouths water. While they were never the absolute best in the business, save for a few anomaly MVP seasons (Basic Instinct in 1992, Pam during the Baywatch years), they were consistently among the cream of the crop. We tip our hats to you, ladies, for your consistency. You made us cover our crotches with binders for 10 to 15 years. We forgave MJ for the Washington Wizards experiment, Sharon, so we’ll give you a pass on Basic Instinct 2.



HAVE THEY DONE ENOUGH?

Jennifer Lopez, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Charlize Theron, Shania Twain

Sports equivalent: Peter Forsberg


Growing up, we knew Peter Forsberg was great, just like we knew we wanted to bury our faces in Jennifer Love Hewitt’s cleavage after watching I Know What You Did Last Summer. Fairly or not, their prolonged absences from the lineup have soured our memories of both, leaving us with a plethora of “What ifs” and “Yeah, buts.” Regardless, all of these ladies were superstars at their peak and we won’t squawk if they’re inducted. After all, we still masturbate whenever The Mask of Zorro is on TV, don’t we?



SUPERNOVA EXPLOSION OUT OF THE GATE, FOLLOWED BY AN EPIC FALL FROM GRACE

Britney Spears

Sports equivalent: Dwight Gooden


“We’re going to bed, and you better get your butt in there soon yourself, mister,” shouted Mom from upstairs. “It’s a school night.” She was right, of course, but you’d waited downstairs all night for MTV to play “Baby One more Time” again. When Britney Spears first burst onto the scene, it was too much for adolescents. Her pigtails, stockings and exposed midriff had every boy aged 11-17 quietly hiding in the basement with the lights off so he could fuck the couch cushions like a rabbit on Red Bull. She had the world in her hands, and in a Godzilla-rampaging-through-Tokyo-like disaster, she threw it all away. We can only wonder what might have been.



RIDICULOUSLY TALENTED, BUT CAREER DERAILED BY COCAINE

Lindsay Lohan

Athlete Equivalent: Darryl Strawberry


Sigh. So sad. How hot was Lindsay a few years ago? It was almost unfair when her busty, barely legal bod beckoned to us from the cover of Rolling Stone. Then came the nose candy, and that was all she wrote. Lohan and Strawberry deserve each other; they’re physical specimens who’d rather do lines off a bathroom floor at Arby’s than perform at the top level of their professions.



TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE

Fergie, Eva Mendes, Kylie Minogue, Eva Longoria

Athlete Equivalent: Priest Holmes


Priest Holmes wasted the beginning his career backing up Jamal Lewis in Baltimore. Stacey Ferguson wasted the beginning of her career giving record producers hummers while high on heroin. You shake your head at the members of this group, wondering what could’ve been if they didn’t become sexy stars so late. Yeah, that’s right. We’re calling out Eva Longoria. She’s already 32, guys. She’s almost past her prime.



LOOKED LIKE A SURE THING A FEW YEARS AGO, BUT NOW WE’RE HAVING SERIOUS DOUBTS

Sarah Michelle Gellar, Anna Kournikova

Athlete Equivalent: Vince Carter


It seems like yesterday that they were all the rage. Vince was dunking over every living organism; Gellar was crushing vampires and screaming up a storm in cheesy horror flicks; Kournikova was looking gorgeous while getting her ass whooped on the tennis court. They were superstars. What the hell happened?


Our prediction: the stories end in tragedy. Gellar stars in an off-Broadway stage play that bombs. Vince limps and whines his way into NBA obscurity. Kournikova hits the gym, gets herself a manly build and shoots up the ATP rankings.



SHOOTING STARS WHO PERFORMED AT AN EXCEPTIONALLY HIGH LEVEL FOR A VERY BRIEF PERIOD OF TIME

Denise Richards, Shannon Elizabeth, Tara Reid, Alicia Silverstone

Sports equivalent: Terrell Davis


Ten years ago, readily accessible pornography was nonexistent for adolescent males, save for the stack of Playboys Dad hid under his bed. We weren’t old enough to use fake ID to buy our own and dialup Internet rendered online smut inadequate. The substitute? Denise Richards in Wild Things. She parlayed that into a few other roles, notably a Bond flick, but really didn’t do much else. Still, she got naked. In a pool. And made out. With another girl. These ladies may not be good enough to make the Hall, but they’re good enough to be in the discussion.



THE POLARIZING STARS

Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Garner, Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes

Sports equivalent: Art Monk


They’re pretty hot, we guess. Depends on whom you ask. Diaz, for example, was cute and charming in a couple of funny movies and dated some impressive talent over the years (Monk caught a billion balls, won a couple of titles with the Skins). Her mouth also almost got her cast as the Joker, and you could fit a second pair of tatters in the gap between her actual boobs (Monk caught little dinky passes, never really seemed to take a game over). Because there’s so much disagreement about their worth, they probably don’t belong.



STARS THAT PUT UP IMPRESSIVE NUMBERS BUT ARE CHEATERS

Paris Hilton, the Olsen twins, any reality TV star

Sports equivalent: Rafael Palmeiro


Yeah, you’ve got numerous supporters, but it has nothing to do with talent; these guys are a product of reality TV shows, clever marketing campaigns, and $500,000 worth of steroids. Doing drugs or releasing a sex tape might be enough to make you famous; it’s not enough to get you into any Hall of Fame.



ALL FLASH, NO SUBSTANCE

Carmen Electra, Jenny McCarthy

Sports equivalent: Andruw Jones


Jones hits bombs and makes highlight reel catches in center field, but he also strikes out a ton, doesn’t run anymore and is a career .263 hitter. Sound familiar? We’re enamored with Electra and McCarthy’s skills, rolling their “highlight reels” in our minds before we go to bed. Still, even the curviest body can’t make up for a lack of acting ability, general talent, or any semblance of mental activity.



RODE THE COATTAILS OF A DYNASTY

Victoria Beckham, Courtney Cox

Athlete Equivalent: Glenn Anderson


For those of you who may not know, Glenn Anderson was considered by many the fifth wheel of the Edmonton Oilers’ 1980s dynasty. He drove to the net like no one else, regularly potted 50 goals, and finished his career with over 1,000 points. Yet he’s overlooked by the Hall of Fame every year, likely because people think the legends around him – Gretzky, Messier, Coffey – made him great.


Same goes for Victoria Beckham. People make a huge deal over her, but where would she be without the Spice Girls or her dreamy footballer hubby? She’s a caricature. Looks like a lollipop. No one that bony can make the Hall of Fame. Courtney Cox is solid, but the Friends and Scream franchises carried her. David Arquette did NOT, by the way.



HAD A NICE CAREER, BUT WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR A TICKET LIKE THE REST OF US

Alyssa Milano, Christina Applegate, Teri Hatcher

Sports equivalent: Fred Taylor


Do you realize Fred Taylor has rushed for over 10,000 yards but never made a Pro Bowl? Do you realize Alyssa Milano’s IMDB page credits her with 47 roles but we can only remember the one with her really softcore sex scene? Each lady has enjoyed a period of “very good-ness” but never challenged for tops in the league. They’ve earned our respect, and they can play with us any day, but the Hottie Hall is reserved for the greats.



TONS OF TALENT BUT HAS YET TO REALIZE THEIR POTENTIAL

Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson

Sports equivalent: Reggie Bush


Everyone’s worried Bush might end up being a bust because he’s yet to capitalize on his immense talents. What about Alba and Johansson?


The ladies’ physiques and Reggie Bush’s sweet moves are almost equally boner-inducing, but will they take advantage of their unique abilities? To make the Hottie Hall, you need more than supermodel looks – you need to permeate our thoughts at all times, and you can’t do that when you’re sharing the screen with Dane Cook. Someday, you need to make it in something bigger than your bra. We’re a little worried we’re five or six years away from Bush becoming a return specialist and Johansson and Alba headlining NBC’s new sitcom, Weather Girls, about two sexy roommates competing at opposing local news stations. Hijinx ensue, as does a midseason cancellation.



AN UP-AND-COMER WHO WE KNEW WOULD BE DECENT BUT SUDDENLY EXPLODED INTO SUPERSTARDOM

Carrie Underwood

Athlete Equivalent: Adrian Peterson


Adrian Peterson ran over a bunch of guys in college and Carrie Underwood won American Idol. So what, right? Those types are a dime a dozen. Just ask Ron Dayne and Ruben Studdard. But a few prognosticators out there disagreed. They saw something special. They thought Peterson had NFL-ready talent and figured Underwood could dominate the ripe country music market. They were right. Peterson ate the universe for half a season and Underwood’s pumping out platinum records. Only time will tell if they’ll have Hall of Fame careers, but they’re sure starting strong.



TOO EARLY TO TELL, BUT STARTING OUT GREAT

Megan Fox, Hayden Panittiere, Rihanna

Athlete Equivalent: Dwight Howard


Just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re living up to the hype. Please, stay out of trouble. Maybe you could room with a vet like Heather Locklear when you’re on the road? She’d keep you away from the Lohans and Strawberries of the world.



SOLID YET UNSPECTULAR STAR WHO COULD HAVE A SHOT AT THE HALL SOMEDAY

Hilary Duff, Natalie Portman, Rachel McAdams, Mandy Moore, Keira Knightley

Athlete Equivalent: Chris Bosh


They do all the little things right; they make good career choices, avoid bad publicity and are generally likeable, attractive people. The downside: they’re boring. You’ll be hard pressed to find 360 dunks, naughty pics or sex scenes from this group. As a result, they could find themselves passed over for flashy types who flop their boobs all over the place and drop F-bombs on talk shows.

10 comments:

Mike said...

Outstanding piece(s). I'd add Whitney Houston to the list in the Daryl Strawberry category. Smoking hot in her prime, immensely talented...and through it all away for Bobby Brown and a steady stream of horse and blow

malcolm said...

It's incredible that you had Doc Gooden listed next to but not in the cocaine category.

Denomme said...

You should have done us all a favour and used a picture of Shania.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious stuff. What about Shakira? And for the record, Fergie was on meth, not heroin.

Anonymous said...

Jessica and Ashley Simpson, equivalent: the Hasslebecks? One genuinely hot (or good at football) and the other not (the other sister a lip-synching fraud who had plastic surgery to look like her sister!)

Anonymous said...

I honestly didn't read a single word of this entire piece.

Great work.

Alan said...

Demi Moore
athlete equivalent:Dale Earnhart sr.

"what ever it takes"

You don't make the kind of money ,this women has (and still does)by being a prude,stupid or ugly.A true hall of famer.A bag of oreo's,striptease and no ones home.
Man I miss the old days.

Tanner said...

Jessica Biel: sports equivalent, Tracey McGrady.

For years we were thrilled with watching McGrady toss up ally-oops for Vince to throw down. Just as happy as we were to secretly watch 7th Heaven and hope that Biel was sitting on her bed in pajamas with her hair up.

These two specimans didn't really make HOF discussions until they broke away from these roles.

Tracey making his own way with the Magic and Biel cleaverly getting out of her 7th Heaven deal by posing almost topless in Gear Magazine.

Tanner said...
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Tanner said...
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