Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The Los Angeles Lakers trade Kobe Bryant to...



Trade winds are a blowin’. Kobe Bryant to the Bulls? The Pistons? The problem, as we all know, is that dealing Kobe means giving up your entire team. Kobe wants to be “dealt to a contender,” but the team he goes to gives up too much to remain one.


We decided to think outside the box. Maybe the Lakers should look beyond the NBA for the perfect trade…


THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO THE CAST OF CSI: LAS VEGAS FOR WILLIAM PETERSON, MARG HELGENBERGER AND GARY DOURDAN


Vegas is up in arms over this one, claiming CBS pulled a Rob Babcock. Dealing Kobe for the entire core of the show? Disaster, right? CSI will trail The Biggest Loser in the ratings in no time, right? Wrong. Kobe’s new forensic analyst teammates greatly underestimate his knowledge about tampering with evidence. He’s always one step ahead of the bad guys, predicting how they cover up their crimes.


“It’s simple, Stokes,” he says. “You do something bad, you gotta clean up your mess. How do you do that? Buy your woman some jewelry.” His “gimme the damn case” mentality leads to 48 convictions, 34 of them stemming from busts outside jewelry stores.


The Lakers aren’t converted to an instant contender with this deal, but they certainly become deeper. Helgenberger’s long arms make her a blocking and rebounding machine; think Marcus Camby with tits. Gary “Warrick” Dourdan breaks opponents’ hearts with his three-balls. Peterson, meanwhile, ends up relegated to the bench. Chunky and sweaty, he just doesn’t have the fitness for the NBA. L.A.’s a deeper team, yes, but it lacks a true star after the deal and finishes 43-39, good for eighth in the West and a quick first-round ousting by the Mavs.


THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO THE CIRCUS FOR TWO CLOWNS, TWO TRAPEZE ARTISTS, A SWORD SWALLOWER, AND A BEAR RIDING A MINIBIKE


As the heavy baseline of Snoop Dogg’s “Drop It Like It’s hot” pulsates through the audience, the ringmaster bellows to the crowd with great fervor: “Discovered in the depths of the concrete jungle, this magnificent creature is like no other. Majestic, graceful, it is a thing of beauty, never witnessed before the human eye… until now. Behold, The Great Flying Man!”


Pyrotechnics explode, strobe lights flash, and fog machines fill the arena with smoke. Seemingly out of thin air, Kobe emerges, unleashing a wicked 360 dunk on a basketball net strapped to an elephant’s face. His 12-minute dunking routine is a smash hit, but sadly, the circus is still plagued by the same problems as the Lakers. While people gladly pay full price to see Kobe perform, the circus gave up too much to compete with the likes of the Ringling Brothers or Cirque de Soleil.


The Lakers also struggle mightily with their new acquisitions. The clowns seem better suited for the Globetrotters, the trapeze artists can't capitalize on their tremendous athletic gifts, and the sword swallower is suspended after skipping a morning shootaround to get high with Luke Walton. The bear, which was thrown into the deal for salary cap purposes, turns out to be a steal, though. While his offensive skills leave much to be desired, he is a menacing defensive presence, chasing around smaller, quicker guards with his minibike and swatting balls away from the league’s best big men. His game-saving tearing in half of Tim Duncan in a December overtime game is a lock for Sportscenter’s Top 10 Plays of the Year.


THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO MAMA’S SUPERMARKET FOR TWO CASHIERS, 36 BAGS OF RUFFLES ALL-DRESSED CHIPS, “BIG DAN” THE SHELF STOCKER AND FOUR POUNDS OF APPLES


Be patient, Laker fans. This deal looks ugly at first. Courtney and Haley, the 15-year-old cashiers, can’t handle L.A. They spend two weeks shopping and doing coke with Pauly Shore before they get homesick and their moms come to get them. The apples work out great at first, giving the team an energy boost, but they go bad after a few weeks, leaving only the Ruffles. Lamar Odom falls in love with the chips and balloons to 284 pounds as the Lakers struggle to a 30-52 season.


The silver lining: “Big Dan” the stockboy. His 73 I.Q. led to some bad decisions as a kid; he’s had four stops at juvenile detention centres already, including one for fracturing his geography teacher’s skull during a classroom fracas. But his 6’9’’, 260-pound frame, hustle and huge throwdowns make him a fan favourite in LaLa Land and a great guy to build around.


Mama’s Supermarket gets the shaft on this one. Kobe can’t count. His tills are always off. He also spends half his time flirting with slutty Kristin from the produce department.


THE LOST ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO THE PRICE IS RIGHT FOR DREW CAREY


A complete disaster. The crosstown deal seemingly favored The Price is Right, which acquired a young, famous, charismatic personality to fill Bob Barker’s shoes. The trade looks particularly lopsided when Carey becomes ill during warmups at his first game:


“Oh, gee, fellas. I’m not feeling so good…I better sit down. Shouldn’t have had that second chili dog! Haha…ha…cough. My arm hurts.”


What could slow Kobe in a situation perfectly suited to his talents? Two words: Barker’s Beauties.


THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO THE WILSON FAMILY FOR GLENN, MARY, ZACK AND HEATHER


Great deal for the Lakers. Glenn, a chiropractor, chips in five points a game off the bench thanks to the hook shot that won him an Illinois state championship in ’71 and he doubles as the team doctor. Mary’s pot roast makes road trips feel like home. Heather gets an ego after her boob job but puts the other Laker girls to shame. Zack’s razzle-dazzle dribbling and crisp passing make him the closest thing to a true point guard the Lakers have had in years; his acne is forgivable. The Wilsons carry the Lakers to a 64-18 season and an NBA finals berth.


Poor baby Kaley Wilson. Stuck with Kobe as her dad. After a few days, Kobe’s feeling good. He likes cuddling a baby while watching satellite TV all day. Then reality kicks in. Kaley’s anus begins to stink and rot after Kobe doesn’t change her diaper for two days. The neighbours complain about the smell and Kaley’s in foster care before the week is up.


THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO GHOSTBUSTERS FOR PETER VENKMAN, RAY STANTZ AND WINSTON ZEDDEMORE


A win-win deal. The Lakers are energized by their new triumvirate. Ray’s goofy enthusiasm and Peter’s dry wit keep the locker room light and loose, a nice change of pace from Black Mamba’s steely demeanour. Winston, meanwhile, who was asked before joining the Ghostbusters if he believes in ghosts and replied “If there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe in anything you say,” quietly buys into the system and does the dirty work, so long as he’s paid on time. A surprisingly resurgent Lakers squad goes on a tear, finishing third in the West before bowing out in the conference final. Next season seems the most promising in years.


The new Ghostbusters squad also thrives. Kobe and Egon share a chemistry not seen since Stockton and Malone’s prime. A brains-and-brawn combo, this new dynamic duo plays off each others’ strengths. Kobe’s raw athleticism makes it difficult for even the nastiest supernatural baddie to pin him down; when he's in trouble, Egon bails his partner out with a crazy new gadget. Sharing interests when not at work – including spores, molds and fungus – only improves their rapport. Kobe and Slimer don’t get along, though. They put aside their differences to take down ghosts, but tensions rise when Slimer trashes Kobe in a newspaper interview.


THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO BOB’S PETTING ZOO FOR A GOAT, TWO HORSES, A PYTHON AND A SHEEP.


Textbook win-win deal here. Obviously, the Lakers shoot up the standings after this one. The horses run the floor like no one the NBA has ever seen. The sheep creates special unis that keep the players warm at all times. “Rex,” the 30-foot python, is a terrifying low post presence; no one goes near him. He forces every team onto the perimeter. Are the Lakers trailing? No problem. “What time is it, Laker fans? I SAID…what time is it? IT’S…..GOAT…TIME!!!!!!!” The goat goes berserk, nipping at opposing players’ jerseys and throwing off their timing. We smell an NBA championship.


Bob’s petting zoo ain’t complaining. Kobe quadruples ticket sales. Just don’t let your daughters get too close to the fence.


THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO BROADWAY FOR THE CAST OF CATS


The deal makes no sense for the Lakers, who acquire a bunch of bodies equally moody, temperamental and independent as Kobe. The cast purrs, combs its fur, prances around the court, and causes a fuss like Adam Morrison. Still, it’s unfair to assess the trade this season, as a key component, Mr. Mistoffelees, is placed on injured reserve after shattering his jaw on a vicious Dwight Howard elbow.


Kobe is a steal for Broadway, however. While his impressive dance moves are no surprise, given his athletic ability, critics are wowed by his booming voice. Dubbed the Michael Jordan of the stage, Kobe writes and stars in the hit musical “Love in Fifth Gear: The Rory Philback Story,” about a down-on-his-luck mechanic who makes a deal with a magic prairie dog to become a star F1 driver and win over the girl of his dreams.


THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO THE KINDERGARTEN CLASS AT ST. JOSEPHINE’S ELEMENTARY SCHOOL FOR JENNY, CHRIS, TAYLOR, MAGGIE AND MRS. CHANG.


Looks great on paper but isn’t a good fit for either team. Sure, Kobe’s highlight reel dunks over four year-olds are good for a YouTube compilation or two, but they get old. And he really struggles with the cursive writing lesson. He just doesn’t want to be there.


The Kindergartners force L.A. into a rebuilding phase. Jenny and Maggie don’t know what basketball is yet. Taylor spends games eating paste in the custodian’s closet of the Staples Center. Upon learning there are no cookies in the pre-game meal, Chris demands a trade. Not all is lost, however. Andrew Bynum falls in love with Mrs. Chang and they move to Hawaii to open a pottery store.

3 comments:

Tanner said...

You guys never stop amazing me...truely a masterful piece of randomness.

Mark P said...

Great post....though it's spelled 'Zeddemore.' Some Ghostbusters fans will claim it's Zeddmore, but these people are morons.

In a related story, I'm a nerd.

Hayesism said...

i ordered a great set of pasta bowls from the BynumChang Pottery Place