Monday, November 26, 2007

Monday...Fun...Links?



Aaaaaaargh. Monday. Friggin' Monday. So hard to get out of bed. AaaaAAAARRRRRRRRGh. Well, at least that's what you regular, nine-to-five cubicle bastards are probably thinking at the moment. So we decided to help you out today. Help you out by giving you reading that requires minimal brain power, a.k.a. stuff composed by and/or involving Kev the Intern.

Kev's a simple guy. A simple guy who still eats multiple pudding cups a day, likes to jump around in sprinklers during the summer, and thinks ICQ is "hip." For that reason, he's the perfect target for those fad Internet videos that start on YouTube and make average Joes famous. He's obsessed with this stuff. Quoting Kev:

"It's the reason why the Internet was made in my opinion. Well, that and porn. Can't forget that porn."

You're right, Kev. Can't forget that porn. Nor can we forget these sweet videos.

DRAMATIC CHIPMUNK

Prairie dog? Chipmunk? Who cares. this thing is funny.

The Chipmunk dabbled in espionage, too.

He may have been born to star in revenge flicks.

Or maybe he should stick to modelling?

Don't really know what we can say about this doozie.

THE STAR WARS KID

Yeah, we know you've seen it. The poor fat fuck who waggled around a golf ball retriever pretending he was a Jedi and became the laughing stock of the continent. Breaking news: he's from Quebec. Ha. That adds to the comedy. People who are different and talk funny must be persecuted.

Shortly after the Star Wars Kid's coming out party, some equally goobery person added lightsaber effects to the video.

Then someone else took the CGI to the next level, and the rest was history. Countless other imitations emerged. Now let's stop for a moment to ponder once more just how hilarious this poor kid is.

THE "DAFT" VIDEOS

Some poor schmuck with way too much free time decided to write the lyrics to Daft Punk's "Harder, Faster, Stronger" on his hands -- or is it a "her"? -- and perform the song with a finger dance. Pretty crazy.

Then some cocky prick decided to speed up the time and show up the first hand dancer. Congrats, pal. Funny thing is that he can't prove he didn't just film himself at normal tempo and speed up the tape.

Then a couple slender beauties blew both guys out of the water with "Daft Bodies." Pretty self explanatory.



Kev’s Week 12 Picks (we swear to God, we didn’t change a thing)


Of course the week we withhold Kev's picks to keep you from losing money is the week Kev actually gets a few right.


Before I start, two things. First, I'm watching the Falcons-Colts game right now, and I don't think there could be a more uninspired play-by-play effort than what Gumble is giving us right now. I mean, this is putting Summerall to shame! The Colts just scored a touchdown, and I don't think his tone of voice changed a bit. And he just said "bugaboo." And he keeps calling "quarters" "periods." Put some effort into this, Gumble (I don't know which Gumble it is, not that it really matters).


Second, your last article was strangely reminiscent of the Cosby Show episode where Theo classifies girls as different types of hamburgers depending on how hot they are, with the hottest being the Big Mac. Where's Cliff Huxtable when you need him!


Anyhoo, on with the picks! God damn you, Thursday night football. It's pretty obvious I would have chosen Dallas and Green Bay. I'm considering myself 2-0 right now. What's left of the games this weekend? Garbage, that's what. I mean, Miami's playing on Monday night. That's pretty much all you need to know.


Philly at New England (-23)
The Pats are favored by 23. TWENTY THREE. In case you missed ESPN/FSN/TSN/Sportsnet, etc, that's the largest point spread for an NFL game not involving an expansion team. As if the Pats needed another reason to go for it on 4th and goal with the game out of reach. I need a win, and I'm taking the Pats at home.
Kev loses!


Houston at Cleveland (-3.5)
Remember Charlie Frye? Yeah, neither does anyone else in Cleveland. Derek Anderson has been great this year, and Braylon Edwards is carrying my fantasy team. I actually can't believe this might be a good game. Last year, we’d be looking at this game in disgust. Houston is coming off a nice win against New Orleans, and the Browns are a respectable 6-4. Cleveland should come away with a victory in this one.

Kev wins!


Baltimore at San Diego (-3.5)

Sure, I picked the Chargers last week, and they lost. That sucked. BUT, if you recall, I also said how much I enjoyed watching Norv Turner fail, so I still took some solace in their defeat. Seeing Maurice Jones-Drew just roach that douchebag Shawne Merriman helped make my weekend as well.


Fortunately for the Bolts, they’re coming up against a team with an offense resembling Hurk — it’d have trouble scoring against a team comprised of sixth-grade girls. Sure, they scored 30 last week, but they were playing against the 32nd ranked defense in the league (the Browns… which makes me really think about my last pick...). The last time they scored more than 20 points? Way back in Week 6. I'm taking San Diego.
Kev wins!


Buffalo at Jacksonville (-9)
Normally, when a team hangs 56 on you – in the national spotlight – you’d be pretty bummed out. Then you remember you're living in Buffalo, which is way shittier than losing by 50-plus in front of millions of people. Then you remember you were playing the Pats, and you begin to nod your head knowingly. J.P. "If no one's open deep, I'm not throwing it, and even then I just might throw it deep" Losman and the Bills should expect to lose their second straight against 7-3 Jacksonville. As long as Jack Del Rio doesn't break out the motivational stump and axe. Take Jacksonville.

Kev wins!


Canadian Bonus Pick! Saskatchewan vs. Winnipeg in the Grey Cup Final

Maxim parties on the top of the CN Tower. Pancake breakfasts. Lenny Kravtiz at halftime (they asked for U2, but organizers refused when U2's appearance fee was "the entire proceeds from the Grey Cup" – I’m not joking). Saskatchewan being known for something other than a town named "Moose Jaw.”


It's Grey Cup weekend (also known as "The CFL Gets 45 Seconds of Exposure on ESPN" Weekend), so why not make a pick? Having their starting quarterback break his arm in the conference final isn’t a good thing for the Bombers. The only way the Riders lose is by taking the Bombers’ second-string quarterback for granted, and if you actually look at the guy – he’s kind of creepy looking – they just might. Take the Green Riders to win for the first time since '89, which is kind of depressing in an eight team league.

Kev wins!


Week 12 record: 4-1 (whaaat?!?)

Season record: 9-15




3 comments:

malcolm said...

I have a whole lot of trouble keeping up my pro-CFL argument when we need to refer to Saskatchewan as the "Green Riders" rather than the Roughriders so as not to confuse them with the defunct Ottawa Rough Riders. Here's hoping that the next NFL relocation/expansion team is named the Sea Hawks.

Denomme said...

You assholes...not only are you "Crappy. Publishing late, missing posts, you name it."

Your grammar is slipping, too. You used 'your' instead of 'you're'.

Come on, that's a mistake 16-year-old girls make on Facebook.

Spirit of Jake Plummer said...

Well, maybe that's why we're pondering retirement. Seems much of our readership is more interested in correcting our grammar than commenting on the actual content of what we write.