Monday, November 26, 2007
Douchemeter: If we hear "shot during a robbery at his home" one more time...
1. SECURITY AT FOOTBALL PLAYERS' HOMES -- By no means do we want to rip on Sean Taylor -- his passing is shocking and sad -- but why are NFLers' homes easier to rob than a homeless lady's pop can-filled shopping cart? We feel like it's happened a lot, as of late, and it's the second break-in Taylor has endured recently. At least the old lady can holler in gibberish while clattering the cans and possibly vomiting on you. Guard dogs and giant security gates aren't working anymore. The solution? As always, hire a homeless lady.
2. LIU XIANG -- The Chinese hurdler and Olympic gold medalist got his legs insured for $13.3 million. First J-Lo's wobbly ass (which isn't that big, by the way... come on), now this? What's next, Johan Santana's arm? Scarlett Johansson's hooters? Michael Buffer's larynx? Robin Williams' arm hair? Charlie Weis' blubber?
3. CANADIAN YOUTH HOCKEY COACHES -- We know Canuck hockey parents are stereotyped as angry, raving lunatics who down too many large Tim Hortons coffees at six a.m. every Saturday morning , but this is ridiculous. A brawl started in a game between eight-year-olds on the weekend. Eight-year-olds. And the coaches sent more eight-year-olds over the boards to start a giant child war. Yes, a massive child hockey brawl would be friggin' amazing to watch. Yes, we've scoured YouTube trying to find it. But that's beside the point.
4. THE CANADIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE -- A quarterback makes his first career start in the Grey Cup and his team only loses by four points. Only in the CFL.
5. BRAZILIAN SOCCER STADIUMS -- Apparently, being ranked the worst/least safe stadium out of 29 in the country didn't motivate Fonte Nova stadium to renovate. Maybe having seven fans die after falling through a giant concrete hole will.
6. THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS -- Just move the team to Mexico City and put us out of our misery.
7. HERM EDWARDS -- 4th and 1, your team down by three, ball on your opponent's 23. What do you do? Let's ask our panel of experts.
Infant: "goo...gaaa....fee go!, fee go!"
"Special" kid: "uurragh...take da...urg...POINTS!"
Madden: "When the you're close to the other team's goal line, and you're down by three, and it's fourth and one, I mean, you gotta kick the field goal. You're gonna get a guy here and there that wants to be a cowboy, but most of the time it isn't gonna work out for ya."
Dog: (boots football with his paw)
Dog the Bounty Hunter: Give the ball to the white guy, brother. Kick it.
Herm Edwards, head coach, Kansas City Chiefs: Run the football!
8. ELI MANNING -- Forget that he showed the athleticism of a six-foot-one, headgear-laden, 13-year-old girl playing Twister with the boy she likes. Fuck Eli Manning for giving any fantasy football owner with the Minnesota Vikings team defense a free win this week (i.e. Larkin).
9. KENYON MARTIN -- Yeah, K-Mart, you're big and bad, posterizing guys left and right. How about doing it for more than two games a year without getting injured?
10. MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL -- The 49ers, Dolphins and Ravens every other week. Can we please just bring back Slamball on Monday night? It would be more entertaining and the playcalling would be better.