Monday, November 19, 2007

Douchemeter: these beauties were the only good thing about UFC 78

Our weekly look at the douchiest things in sports.

1. UFC 78 -- We all knew it was a crappy card, but couldn’t the fighters have used that as motivation and proven us wrong with some wicked fights? Nope. We were treated to a barrage of minute-long clinches, crappy decisions, and Houston Alexander, the badass who was supposed to be the saving grace of the night, getting his face tenderized. Joe Rogan looked freakishly healthy and well-rested. The ring girls were the only remotely exciting part of the night. Larkin’s dad and Hurk both fell asleep during the main event, which featured Rashad Evans, the most boring and overrated fighter on the planet. Yawn. And do we really need to know this is the 78th UFC? We get it. There have been many of them.

2. RAY EMERY -- Here’s an asshole who really knows how to rally his teammates around him. Loses his starting Sens netminding job to Martin Gerber, and how does he get himself back in the mix? Step one: play baseball on off day and strain back. Step two: laugh it off and tell media getting injured playing a different sport is no big deal for a professional athlete getting paid millions to play at the highest level and keep in top shape during the season. Step three: skip optional team practice, which Gerber, your goodie-goodie rival, attends. Are you trying to get yourself traded, Ray? Ottawa vagina not good enough for you or something?

3. “BEAT THE RUSH” GUYS – These cranky old fathers have been leaving games midway through the fourth quarter since the dawn of time. It begins late in the third, when the home team falls behind by 10 and they start complaining “It’s over, it’s over.” A few minutes into the fourth the lead “balloons” to 13 and he’s dragging his bitter kids back to his ’98 Altima. Yeah, we know you “have to work tomorrow.” The saddest part: our buddy Hayes, who has zero kids, left in third quarter to – you guessed it – “beat the rush.” Something tells us Hayes’ future involves many a lady ending a date with him early for the exact same reason.

4. BUFFALO -- So the SOJP guys made a little field trip to the slice of Americana known as Buffalo, New York for the Pats/Bills massacre. Hey, we shouldn’t riff on Buffalo, right? It’s a nice, friendly, blue-collar town. So what if it has no vegetation whatsoever?

Buffalo has many redeeming qualities, like the guys who called our Pats fan buddy a “faggot” (how creative!) every time he stood up for a Randy Moss touchdown, then chirped him again for sitting down; a chick in gold high heels who sauntered around the porto-potties in the parking lot before the game, kicking up gravel as she slammed back a tall boy; “cheese cup,” a sumptuous delicacy on sale at Ralph Wilson Stadium for $2.00; and lots of decked out Chevy Cavaliers with racing stripes on them, straight out of The Fat the Furious: Buffalo Drift, which you can find in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart next to I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.

5. TORONTO MEDIA – Not only did they strongly imply Leafs players were hinting that Sean Avery made the cancer comments about Jason Blake, which doesn’t necessarily appear to be the case, those reactionary pricks jumped all over Jiri Tlusty for “disgracing” the team. First of all, the Leafs charge 300 bucks a ticket despite not having won a Stanley Cup in 40 years. That’s a disgrace. Secondly, Tlusty is a 19-year-old kid who snapped some naked pics he probably sent to his girlfriend. How is that a disgrace? We’re jacking it as we type this, and we’re straight up class. Get off your high horse, Toronto media.

6. SPIRIT OF JAKE PLUMMER -- Fuck us. We missed a day last week and now we’re late as hell and making you stay a full day at work so you can read our bullshit before you go home. Give up on us, already. We don’t deserve you. Seek alternate forms of entertainment.

7. THE BARRY BONDS SCANDAL – Surprise! Perjury! No new evidence, but the sneak attack is fun! Surprise! Trainer released from prison! Surprise! We think the guy will talk now after spending a year getting his bum poked in prison.

8. THE SEAN AVERY SITUATION – We’re not sure who’s to blame, but somebody involved in that mess was very, very douchey. Either someone misreported and Avery didn’t taunt Jason Blake about his cancer or Avery, after noting his family has been affected by cancer and he’d thus never say such a terrible thing, is a liar and is hiding behind his grandfathers’ cancer-ridden corpses.

9. THE BROWNS/RAVENS OFFICIATING MESS – That was more confusing and chaotic than when Kev the Intern took Grade 10 Sex Ed and inadvertently learned he should have stopped breastfeeding years ago.

10. KOBE BRYANT – Last Friday, Kobe supposedly nixed a trade to the Pistons (though now reports say they weren’t close to an agreement), spoiling an opportunity for the SOJP staff to pitch the reality show Kicking it with Kobe: The Whitest Man in Detroit.


Seanvdb said...

The buffalo one was the best.

Hayesism said...

i also have the option of choosing a minivan, or my volvo s70 for transport. both better choices than a '98 altima. so take that.

The Rowdy One said...

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be easy. 1.

Paul Barnes said...

Dibs the one on the left.