Friday, November 16, 2007

Friday Fun Links (and MORE!) girating bodies are music to our...ears?

Kev the Intern is pathetic for many a reason. The fact that he’s 26 years old and still living with his parents is a glaring one. And, because Mr. and Mrs. Intern are protective of little Kevy, his supply of masturbatory inspiration is in limited supply – they’ve installed Net Nanny on the family computer, blocking his access to his favourite Hentai websites, among others.

Consequently, Kev must find alternatives. One such substitute? Music videos. Here’s a couple of vids Kev keeps bookmarked:

Eric Prydz, Call on Me

Benni Benassi, Satisfaction

Christina Aguliera, Dirrty

Random Thoughts of the Week:

Aren’t the current Miami Dolphins the perfect destination for Ricky Williams? No hype, no pressure, just a hopeless 0-9 team in a warm climate. He can probably light up on the sidelines. Will anyone care if he does? Will any TV network be airing a Miami game on purpose for the rest of the season? Maybe he’ll play barefoot with no helmet.

What’s with Wayne Gretzky’s hair? You could turn him upside down and use him as a mop. A crappy mop made of hay with no charisma that stars in a million commercials.

Remember Michael Vick?

Swing the fucking basketball already, Raptors.

Is there really any way A-Rod will still be a Yankee 10 years from now? We don’t care what his contract stipulates. There’s no way a player that douchey can survive a full decade on a team with fans more rabid than Mike Tyson after you jab his genitals with a fire poker and tongue kiss his mother in front of him.

Congrats, PGA, for introducing drug tests for 2008. Yes, some 13-year-old girls can drive the ball 300 yards, but grown men still need muscle to hit the ball far. It’s not about technique. The only question is: why the hell aren’t we cracking down on dart throwers and poker players? Geez.

Kev’s Picks

Each Friday, Kev picks football games. Bear in mind, he is a parasite, a disease of football picking. They’re more pathetic than people who eat bugs for attention.

Jobs given to an intern: picking up donuts. Making copies. Being the brunt of many rather insulting jokes. Save Larkin and Hurk's ass. You read that right. Look at this place. They take more days off than George W. They take yesterday off after missing a full week? Could it be because this site was featured on and they want to milk it? Perhaps their festering love for each other boiled over after many hours stuck elbow-to-elbow in the SOJP office, and they’re taking some "personal time." Either way, leave it to the Intern to salvage this wreck of a website. On with the picks! Here is your winning ticket this week:

San Diego (+3) @ Jacksonville

There are few things I enjoy more than watching Norv Turner fail. Watching Bryan McCabe pretend to play defense is up there, but I think Norv takes the cake. Hiring a career 63-86-1 coach may seem like a brilliant idea, but it's not really working out this year. Not that it’s really Norv's fault; he’s just a shitty head coach. I do kinda feel bad for L.T., though. That's why I'm taking San Diego this week. Pity. I've tried thinking these through logically. I'm done with that. Pity. I say San Diego for the “W.”

Chicago (+6) at Seattle

Seattle forced me to sit through possibly the worst Monday Nighter of all time, and it's for this reason alone I'm taking Chicago. Spite. Pure spite. Losing to Sexy Rexy and the Bears is their just desserts for subjecting me to three-plus hours of horrid football. Book it.

NY Giants at Detroit (+3)

Detroit sure did let me down last week. It's cool, I'm used to it. I'm still taking Detroit in an upset. Why? Frustration. Every time I pick the Lions, they lose. They can't lose out the year, so I'm thinking they'll win this week. Also, I can't trust the Giants and their droopy-faced quarterback. Google “Eli Manning” and this is the first picture to show up. Priceless.

Tennessee (+1) at Denver

There was a whole story on ESPN about how Vince Young's production is dropping, yet the Titans keep winning (well, except for last week). Denver plays well at home and is coming off an impressive road win at KC. I'm still taking Tennessee. Why? Blind faith. Young wins games; that’s all there is to it. Oh, and they have a pretty amazing run defense (fourth in the NFL), a pretty solid pass defense (seventh in the NFL), Travis Henry is banged up, and Jay Cutler has nine picks in nine games. There's that too. Just sayin'.

KC (+14.5) at Indy

I'm picking KC. Yup. Consider this my upset special of the week. No Marvin Harrison. No Dallas Clark. Anthony Gonzalez hasn't practiced. Dwight Freeney might not even be able to start next season. Robert Mathis was injured in practice this week and might not suit up. Bob Sanders hasn't practiced this week. How bad is it for Indy? By the end of last week's game, it only had 40 players available to play. To put that into perspective, an NFL team can have 53 players available to play, with 47 of those dressed. Practice roster players were in the lineup. Players signed days before the game got regular playing time. It ain't gettin' any prettier.

Last week: 1-4

Season record: 5-14


Anonymous said...

Season Record of 5-14? Kev is clearly a piece of shit who knows nothing about the sport. This must be the worst record on the continent for prognosticators (except for those guys who picked the baseball playoff winners based on hot chicks...I forget their names).

Kevin said...

you don't know me very well, do you?