Monday, October 22, 2007

The Douchemeter: Cleveland blows series, Peck blows Beckett (presumably)

Each Monday, we review the douchiest stuff in sports.

1. CLEVELAND INDIANS – So not only did Game 5 starter Josh Beckett throw it in Cleveland’s face (eight innings, one run, 11 strikeouts) when the Indians brought in his ex-girlfriend and country singer Danielle Peck (above) to sing the national anthem, but he probably threw something in the hottie’s face later that night in celebration. Way to rattle him, Cleveland. Oh, yeah, and that 3-1 series collapse? Also douchey.

2. JUSTIN WILLIAMS – You know the NBA is warming up when exhibition season begins. And when players start making headlines for sexually assaulting people. Speaking of which…

3. ISIAH THOMAS – We didn’t forget to mention Isiah’s sexual harassment case over the past few weeks. We were just afraid he’d show up at the SOJP office to slap our asses and call us “bitch” and “ho.” Sorry, Ike, but such treatment is reserved for Kev the Intern.

4. THE NEW YORK YANKEES – When your organization is commonly known as “The Evil Empire” and people are still shocked and appalled by the lowball offer you gave to your manager, perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate things.

5. MANNY RAMIREZ – It doesn’t matter that Boston won. Manny’s “if we lose, it’s not the end of the world” quotes (not to mention him seriously pimping his solo homer despite trailing 7-3 last Tuesday) were a bit much, even for him. Sure, Manny thinks said world is flat and the moon is made of green cheese, but c’mon.

6. RICH FRANKLIN’S FACE – The former UFC middleweight champion had his face turned into hamburger meat by Anderson “Spider” Silva during Saturday’s title bout. Silva seemed to be toying with Franklin, as if he felt bad about destroying the fighter in his hometown, before finishing him off in the second round. After the fight, Silva looked like he’d returned from a brisk jog. Franklin looked like he’d crashed a plane into a cliff.

7. THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE – On Sunday, The San Francisco Chronicle reported Indians pitcher Paul Byrd purchased $25,000 worth of HGH and syringes from 2002-05. Byrd admitted to the purchases, telling reporters he has a pituitary condition that requires HGH and that MLB knows all about it. It’s just like those snooty, West Coast pricks from Oregon to not get all the facts straight.

8. JOE BUCK – What, we need a reason?

9. MIKE WEIR – The Canadian lefty won his first tournament since 2004 on Sunday, going 87 starts without a win. Pathetic. At least Weir waited for a grand stage to make his return to the limelight, earning a one-stroke victory at the prestigious Fry’s Electronics Open.

10. BAPTISTS – Eric Schnupp, an assistant football coach at Baylor, the world’s largest Baptist university, did a little baptizing himself, pissing all over the bar at Scruffy Murphy’s in Texas. He was cited for disorderly conduct-reckless exposure and suspended indefinitely by the football team.

1 comment:

Paul Barnes said...

Now, I am not sure who wrote this article, but if it's Hurk, I gotta say this regarding number 10. I seem to remember an incident with you and Holgate at Pita Pitt one night that I was driving your drunk ass around. The moral of the story is that Hurk wasn't allowed to wear his pants...