Tuesday, October 23, 2007

The Sin Bin

The Sin Bin is SOJP’s weekly NHL rundown…

Random thoughts of the week:

Jonathan Toews isn’t going to be a superstar. He’s going to be a super duper star. He’s one of those kids who always looks a step faster than everyone around him. Broken finger? Piece of cake for him. Waltzes back into the lineup and scores on his first NHL shot. Then he followed that up by making the Colorado Avalanche look like a team of Aki Berg clones. The clones were grown in a lab by Walt, a 12th grade science student. He got a C-minus.

Speaking of Toews, fuck you, Toews family and ancestors, for pronouncing your name “Taves.” You confuse the hell out of many people. How would you feel if we pronounced our site “Spirit of Jub Plankage”?

Are the Leafs trying to mimic or outdo the St. Louis Cardinals' nightmare season? Let’s see here…the Cards had a DUI for their manager, a drunk driving death for a pitcher, an exploding eye and a human growth hormone scandal. The Leafs have a DUI arrest, leukemia, an own goal in overtime, and knee ligament damage for one of their top players in Darcy Tucker. It’s not even November and they’re a Wade Belak liquor store robbery gone wrong and a murder/suicide away from topping St. Louis (and at least St. Louis won the damn World Series the year before).

Everyone’s talking about Ryan Smyth deserving a hero’s welcome when he returns to Edmonton tonight. After all, Jason Smith got his penis licked on the jumbotron a couple weeks ago. Not so fast. Jason Smith was dealt away. Ryan Smyth was dealt away, but not before he turned down a $5.5-million offer because he wanted a $5.6 million a season. And if he was truly Captain Canada, the local boy who wanted to spend his whole career in Edmonton, you think he could’ve put aside his differences with Oilers management and re-signed with the club this summer. Is he Hitler? Clearly not. You could argue he got dissed by Edmonton and Colorado is his first chance to play pro hockey away from home. But a hero’s welcome is a bit much.

What’s with the Canucks? They used to justify their boringness with stifling defense. Now they’re just boring and kinda crappy. Reminds us of our grandparents running out of Werther's Originals. Without candy at their place, we're left with cardigans and pee-stained toilet seats.

Pat Quinn wants the Atlanta coaching job, and lots of people surely will herald him as the best candidate, but hiring him could be a big mistake. His style of hockey is pretty much bar fighting/hitting on drunk chicks at bars – stumble all over the ice, yell and scream if you think you’re being treated unfairly, throw yourself into every object and person in site, and hope you score. It worked great in the old NHL, but the new NHL devours Quinn teams. Just ask the slow, sloppy, hung over 2005-06 Leafs.

Philly: still really friggin’ for real. And don’t expect Joffrey Lupul to slow down too much, either. Last year’s stinkjob made total sense for Lupul. Imagine being him: you grow up in Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta, play your junior hockey in Medicine Hat and, despite being worshiped by young girls, have to settle for “Jess,” the waitress at the pool hall with the big jugs and boatloads of body odor, because she’s the best-looking girl you can find out there. Then you get drafted by the Ducks and live it up in California only to get banished back to Alberta in the Chris Pronger trade. Of course he sucked last year.

The Stars team name/number on the front of their new home jerseys is pretty badass. Very football. Maybe they’re trying to re-market the game to Texans as “small, black pigskin on a frozen field with sticks ‘n’ shit.”

Nik Antropov is ninth in the NHL in scoring. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California.

How terrifying/potentially hilarious is Buffalo’s broadcast pairing of maniacal Rick Jeanneret and senile Harry Neale? Do they stay in the press box day and night, urinating in their long underwear, while Jeanneret tosses half-eaten Danishes into the waste basket yelling “ScccoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREssss” and Neale analyzes the play? Will Neale eat Jeanneret on air?

Imagine, just imagine trying to fire Wayne Gretzky. What’s more likely – Don Maloney, GM of the 2-5-0 Phoenix Coyotes, axing the Great One some time soon, or Maloney looking Gretzky in the eyes, crying, shitting his pants, and literally melting?

Power Rankings:

  1. Ottawa Senators: Hilary Clinton could play goal for them and they’d still be 8-1
  2. Philadelphia Flyers: haven’t seen a turnaround this crazy since the Rams exorcised the Tony Banks demon in 1999
  3. Minnesota Wild: unbeaten in regulation, but they always start hot
  4. Detroit Red Wings: Zetterberg posterizing Zarley Zalapski in race to become best guy whose name starts with the letter “Z” ever
  5. Carolina Hurricanes: they’re mortal, but they looooove breaking Canadian teams’ hearts

Cutesy-Wutesy early season story that’ll be forgotten by Christmas: Pascal Leclaire’s crazy start. Yeah, he should become a good NHL netminder, but he plays for the Columbus Blue Jackets. He’ll see more rubber than – wait a second. Why do people always make the “seen more rubber than a two-bit whore” joke? Trashy whores probably don’t see a ton of rubber. They’re dumb and irresponsible, so they probably have unprotected sex. “Seen more rubber than a Christian girl who can’t wait before marriage”? Better?

Guys we want to see more of:

  1. The Chicago Blackhawks. Toews and fellow rook Patrick Kane are churning out highlight-reel goals already. Maybe we’ll get our wish since Chicago will start televising its fucking home games now.
  2. Niklas Backstrom. Is he really that good at stopping pucks or is it just Lemaire’s trap?
  3. Nicklas Backstrom. Note the “c” added to the first name. Different guy, dipshit. This one’s the Caps center, who some scouts compared to Peter Forsberg before he was drafted. Come on, coach! Put him with Ovechkin.

Devastating lines who are devouring everything in their path right now:

  1. Alex Tanguay-Daymond Langkow-Jarome Iginla, Calgary Flames: Tanguay and Langkow are so good at – who are we kidding? Iggy is God.
  2. Joe Thornton, San Jose Sharks. Doesn’t seem to matter who plays with him, though Kev the Intern could probably get him run out of town if the two played together. Kev’s season stats: 82 GP, 8 G, 21 A, 29 PTS, -29. “Empty net, Thornton, feeling generous, over to Kev, OH GOODNESS! KEV MISSED IT! KEV MISSED IT!”


Kevin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kevin said...

It's ok... Patrick Stefan showed me up on the empty net goal.


And 8 goals? I'm impressed you gave me credit for that many!

Mark P said...

So many jokes about crapping/pissing oneself...so little time.