The Sin Bin is SOJP’s weekly NHL rundown…
Random thoughts of the week:
• Jonathan Toews isn’t going to be a superstar. He’s going to be a super duper star. He’s one of those kids who always looks a step faster than everyone around him. Broken finger? Piece of cake for him. Waltzes back into the lineup and scores on his first NHL shot. Then he followed that up by making the Colorado Avalanche look like a team of Aki Berg clones. The clones were grown in a lab by Walt, a 12th grade science student. He got a C-minus.
• Speaking of Toews, fuck you, Toews family and ancestors, for pronouncing your name “Taves.” You confuse the hell out of many people. How would you feel if we pronounced our site “Spirit of Jub Plankage”?
• Are the Leafs trying to mimic or outdo the St. Louis Cardinals' nightmare season? Let’s see here…the Cards had a DUI for their manager, a drunk driving death for a pitcher, an exploding eye and a human growth hormone scandal. The Leafs have a DUI arrest, leukemia, an own goal in overtime, and knee ligament damage for one of their top players in Darcy Tucker. It’s not even November and they’re a Wade Belak liquor store robbery gone wrong and a murder/suicide away from topping
• Everyone’s talking about Ryan Smyth deserving a hero’s welcome when he returns to
• What’s with the Canucks? They used to justify their boringness with stifling defense. Now they’re just boring and kinda crappy. Reminds us of our grandparents running out of Werther's Originals. Without candy at their place, we're left with cardigans and pee-stained toilet seats.
• Pat Quinn wants the
• Philly: still really friggin’ for real. And don’t expect Joffrey Lupul to slow down too much, either. Last year’s stinkjob made total sense for Lupul. Imagine being him: you grow up in Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta, play your junior hockey in Medicine Hat and, despite being worshiped by young girls, have to settle for “Jess,” the waitress at the pool hall with the big jugs and boatloads of body odor, because she’s the best-looking girl you can find out there. Then you get drafted by the Ducks and live it up in
• The Stars team name/number on the front of their new home jerseys is pretty badass. Very football. Maybe they’re trying to re-market the game to Texans as “small, black pigskin on a frozen field with sticks ‘n’ shit.”
• Nik Antropov is ninth in the NHL in scoring. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of
• How terrifying/potentially hilarious is
• Imagine, just imagine trying to fire Wayne Gretzky. What’s more likely – Don Maloney, GM of the 2-5-0 Phoenix Coyotes, axing the Great One some time soon, or Maloney looking Gretzky in the eyes, crying, shitting his pants, and literally melting?
Senators: Hilary Clinton could play goal for them and they’d still be 8-1 Ottawa Flyers: haven’t seen a turnaround this crazy since the Rams exorcised the Tony Banks demon in 1999 Philadelphia Wild: unbeaten in regulation, but they always start hot Minnesota
- Detroit Red Wings: Zetterberg posterizing Zarley Zalapski in race to become best guy whose name starts with the letter “Z” ever
Hurricanes: they’re mortal, but they looooove breaking Canadian teams’ hearts Carolina
Cutesy-Wutesy early season story that’ll be forgotten by Christmas: Pascal Leclaire’s crazy start. Yeah, he should become a good NHL netminder, but he plays for the Columbus Blue Jackets. He’ll see more rubber than – wait a second. Why do people always make the “seen more rubber than a two-bit whore” joke? Trashy whores probably don’t see a ton of rubber. They’re dumb and irresponsible, so they probably have unprotected sex. “Seen more rubber than a Christian girl who can’t wait before marriage”? Better?
Guys we want to see more of:
Blackhawks. Toews and fellow rook Patrick Kane are churning out highlight-reel goals already. Maybe we’ll get our wish since Chicago will start televising its fucking home games now. Chicago
- Niklas Backstrom. Is he really that good at stopping pucks or is it just Lemaire’s trap?
- Nicklas Backstrom. Note the “c” added to the first name. Different guy, dipshit. This one’s the Caps center, who some scouts compared to Peter Forsberg before he was drafted. Come on, coach! Put him with Ovechkin.
Devastating lines who are devouring everything in their path right now:
- Alex Tanguay-Daymond Langkow-Jarome Iginla, Calgary Flames: Tanguay and Langkow are so good at – who are we kidding? Iggy is God.
- Joe Thornton, San Jose Sharks. Doesn’t seem to matter who plays with him, though Kev the Intern could probably get him run out of town if the two played together. Kev’s season stats: 82 GP, 8 G, 21 A, 29 PTS, -29. “Empty net,
, feeling generous, over to Kev, OH GOODNESS! KEV MISSED IT! KEV MISSED IT!” Thornton