Each Monday we review the douchiest things in sports:
1. DIDA -- no, we're not talking about Dido. This is the Douchemeter, not Kev's iPod playlist.
For anyone who wonders if soccer will ever truly make it big in
2. SPIRIT OF JAKE PLUMMER BASEBALL PLAYOFF PICKS – Wow. 1-12 in 13 total games. Our picks have gone so poorly we’re openly rooting for the Yankees so we can save some face. This is worse than that time we picked
3. CECIL COLTRANE – Normally, college kids are unmotivated because they sit around smoking weed all day. Coltrane, however, is so motivated to play he actually planted a stash in the starting running back’s room. Put him in, coach. He just wants it more.
4. TRAVIS JOHNSON – Did Johnson really have to taunt Trent Green, who lay unconscious on the ground after getting his brains completely scrambled? We’re pretty sure they put down the horse that crippled Christopher Reeve for doing the same thing.
5. PACMAN JONES – Pacman thinks he’s done enough to be reinstated by the NFL, and we agree. Because winning Total Nonstop Action’s tag team title and not being involved in any strip club shootings in the past month is just like performing successful open heart surgery on conjoined twin babies and discovering a cure for AIDS. Roger Goodell, you fool, bring Pacman back. His last month of good behavior makes Mother Teresa look like Charles Manson.
6. CANADIAN SOLDIERS – No, not those Canadian soldiers. We mean the little bugs nicknamed “Canadian soldiers” who pestered the Yanks and Indians in Game 2. Those bastards tormented Joba Chamberlain into tossing two wild pitches (after only one all year) and letting
7. ALEX RODRIGUEZ – Last night, A-Rod did snap an 18-at bat hitless streak in the playoffs, but he’s still mired in a six-for-54, zero RBI slump. Glad to have you back, Alex. A Douchemeter without you is like The Price is Right without Bob Barker.
8. TRAVIS HENRY – First, we learn Henry has fathered enough children to field a basketball team. Now he’s facing suspension for marijuana? That sonuva bitch Selvin Young! Desiring the starting job, Young must have torn a page from Cecil Coltrane’s playbook and planted the weed in Henry’s bloodstream!
10. LEBRON JAMES – so Lebron’s Mr. Cleveland and an unofficial representative of the city. Does that mean he needs to show up to Jacobs Field in his Albert Belle jersey? No. But did he have to wear the Yankee cap? Fine, cheer for the Bronx Bombers. It’s your right, LeBron. But think before you wound your fans.