Monday, October 8, 2007

The Douchemeter: and the Oscar for biggest douchebag goes to...Dida

Each Monday we review the douchiest things in sports:

1. DIDA -- no, we're not talking about Dido. This is the Douchemeter, not Kev's iPod playlist.

For anyone who wonders if soccer will ever truly make it big in North America, this video answers the question. We don’t have to say much, though it is funny that Milan goalie “Dida” could’ve made the Douchemeter just for being named Dida alone.

2. SPIRIT OF JAKE PLUMMER BASEBALL PLAYOFF PICKS – Wow. 1-12 in 13 total games. Our picks have gone so poorly we’re openly rooting for the Yankees so we can save some face. This is worse than that time we picked Germany in WWII.

3. CECIL COLTRANE – Normally, college kids are unmotivated because they sit around smoking weed all day. Coltrane, however, is so motivated to play he actually planted a stash in the starting running back’s room. Put him in, coach. He just wants it more.

4. TRAVIS JOHNSON – Did Johnson really have to taunt Trent Green, who lay unconscious on the ground after getting his brains completely scrambled? We’re pretty sure they put down the horse that crippled Christopher Reeve for doing the same thing.

5. PACMAN JONES – Pacman thinks he’s done enough to be reinstated by the NFL, and we agree. Because winning Total Nonstop Action’s tag team title and not being involved in any strip club shootings in the past month is just like performing successful open heart surgery on conjoined twin babies and discovering a cure for AIDS. Roger Goodell, you fool, bring Pacman back. His last month of good behavior makes Mother Teresa look like Charles Manson.

6. CANADIAN SOLDIERS – No, not those Canadian soldiers. We mean the little bugs nicknamed “Canadian soldiers” who pestered the Yanks and Indians in Game 2. Those bastards tormented Joba Chamberlain into tossing two wild pitches (after only one all year) and letting Cleveland back into the game. On the bright side, they did make Derek Jeter spaz out like a 12-year-old girl/Larkin trying to swat bees out of her hair.

7. ALEX RODRIGUEZ – Last night, A-Rod did snap an 18-at bat hitless streak in the playoffs, but he’s still mired in a six-for-54, zero RBI slump. Glad to have you back, Alex. A Douchemeter without you is like The Price is Right without Bob Barker.

8. TRAVIS HENRY – First, we learn Henry has fathered enough children to field a basketball team. Now he’s facing suspension for marijuana? That sonuva bitch Selvin Young! Desiring the starting job, Young must have torn a page from Cecil Coltrane’s playbook and planted the weed in Henry’s bloodstream!

9. MARION JONES – she lied, cheated and stole more than Eddie Guerrero. But now that she came forward, is it any fun to bash her on the Douchmeter? Hmm…how can we reverse this on her… Ah, yes. Confessing doesn’t take away what you did, Marion. And now you’re going to jail, where you’ll pump iron with no help form BALCO and do laundry with a 310-pound woman from North Dakota named Doreen MacTavish. And the contaminated baby you had with fellow ’roider Tim Montgomery may or may not hit puberty at age eight and grow a third arm. Wooo!

10. LEBRON JAMES – so Lebron’s Mr. Cleveland and an unofficial representative of the city. Does that mean he needs to show up to Jacobs Field in his Albert Belle jersey? No. But did he have to wear the Yankee cap? Fine, cheer for the Bronx Bombers. It’s your right, LeBron. But think before you wound your fans. Cleveland children cried blood that night. Jesus’ blood. Mixed with puppies.


Paul Barnes said...

RE: baseball picks

A better analogy would have been picking Italy in winning WWII. Just sayin

Hayesism said...

You should see Doreen devour a serving of cheese grits. I swear it should be on the Discovery Channel.

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