Friday Fun Links: Dumb Criminals

After Kev’s horrific showing in football picks last week (0-5), he said he’d find some videos of people dumber than him to boost his self-confidence. He didn’t have much trouble. The criminals in his compilation don’t exactly belong in the Ted Bundy/genius category. “Think Corky from Life Goes On,” Kev says:

One time, this guy crapped his pants because he was in such a hurry to get into a public restroom.

He’s already broken his patio door window twice.

Who asks for $200 in ransom (for yourself, no less)? Why not a hundred billion?

Why not put martial arts-trained Iranians in every convenience store? Although, the Intern says: “Who’s the bigger douche? The robber, or the store clerk making himself into a hero and doing jump kicks in the interview?”

And, finally, Kev’s piece de resistance, which will provide more laughs than his football picks. Almost.

Kev’s “super guaranteed” picks (3-7 this season)

Each Friday, Kev picks football games. Bear in mind, he is a parasite, a disease of football picking. They’re more pathetic than Kirk Van Houten.

We’ll review his picks every Wednesday in the PUP.

Painful. Watching the scores rack up last week – and multiple (justified) text messages and e-mails from Hurk and Larkin mocking my picks – has humbled my soul. Losses don't faze me, however. Undeterred, I will trudge to the local gambling kiosk and fill out a sure-fire winning ticket this week. You read that right. Sure-fire. It’s confidence like that that has landed me in the position I'm in today.

Cleveland @ St. Louis (+3)
My dream match-up this year would be Miami vs. St. Louis. It would be like watching Stephen Hawking and Chris Reeves duke it out. Unfortunately, it's not going to happen. St. Louis has been HORRENDOUS this year and is an underdog at home. I'm taking them to win. Why? Steven Jackson is returning this week, which will undoubtedly help the receiving corps (it doesn't hurt that Cleveland is ranked 30th vs. the run). Could this blow up in my face? Sure could, but after 0-5, what do I have to lose??

Jacksonville @ Tampa Bay (-3)

David Garrard went down last week and put the nail in my 0-5 coffin. Damn you Jacksonville, and your injury-prone quarterbacks! (See: Byron Leftwich) Having the back-up in won’t help against Tampa. The Bucs will cover. The line on Jeff Garcia "accidentally" fondling his centre's junk is four. He'll cover that on the first series.

Detroit at Chicago (-5)

What's up with Brian Griese? He's actually playing like a "quarterback." Detroit has been a decent team this year, but I can't see them beating the Bears at home. John Kitna's prayers to god go unanswered this week. Bears win.

Washington @ New England (-16.5)

Is -16.5 enough? Honestly? They've scored at least 34 in every game and basically made Miami look like a Pop Warner team. Actually, that's not far from the truth. The Pats are an impressive team, which will win impressively this week at home. Whatever the over is on this game, take it.

Philadelphia at Minnesota (+1)

This game is a toss-up, but the deciding factor will be whether or not Brian Childress has enough brains to figure out who his No. 1 running back is. Does it make sense that “All Day” had just 12 touches last week? After reading that, does it make sense that Minnesota lost? If you have the leading rusher in the NFL... you... USE HIM! Especially when he's averaging 5.25 yards a carry (vs. Dallas). Philly won't have Dawkins in the line-up and that will hurt – provided Childress doesn't get too much sun on that dome of his and keeps giving the ball to Chester Taylor. Take the Vikes with the mild upset at home.