Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The PUP: Week 1

Summarizing Week 1 in 50 Words or Less:
Who wasn’t pining for the NFL after a brutal summer for sports? But would the league lay a stink bomb right off the bat? Despite a disappointing Colts-Saints blowout, normalcy was restored on the weekend: lots of tight games, the hitting seemed particularly lively, and Joey Harrington still sucks.

Musings/observations/things we thought of when we were drunk:
● Seven more touchdown tosses and LaDainian Tomlinson passes Ryan Leaf on the Chargers’ all-time list.

● Why can’t the NFL make everyone dress like this? Niners coach Mike Nolan looked quite dapper in a suit, while his Monday night counterpart Ken Whisenhunt’s zipped-up windbreaker and Cardinals ball cap made him look like a rep minor league hockey coach who constantly screams at the kids and drinks between periods to bury the painful realization that, yes, his life was all downhill from high school.

● Early Sunday afternoon, we received this text message from the Intern: “Dude... Gus Johnson is doing the Bills-Broncos game… Screaming his head off.”

And you know what? Kev was more right than the time he said he could last six months without trimming his pubes. Gus kicks ass. Bill Simmons has covered this before (sorry, too lazy to find the link), but Gus gets totally wound up without sounding fake or forced. Also, you have to love when he calls a ridiculous play, sort of settles down for a second as his brain tries to catch up, and let’s a “Hah Haah!” go. Jim Nantz’s call of Ellis Hobbs’ record 108-yard kickoff return sounded like Laurence Maroney took a second-quarter pitch and made a nice cut for 11 yards and the first down.

● Speaking of commentators, do these guys ever “reinvent” themselves? If a popular band lasts 20 years or so, usually it mixes its sound up here and there. Why don’t play-by-play men have to do the same thing? Al Michaels is older than Greg Oden and as far as we know, he’s always used the same style. At some point, shouldn’t he have had to switch things up? Maybe become a shouter like Gus Johnson or a blind guy like Bob Cole?

● Nice to see Randy Moss is trying again. What a cock.

● If Monday’s Cards-Niners tilt was a peek at the league’s future at quarterback (Matt Leinart and Alex Smith’s combined line: 48 per cent completions, 228 yards, one TD, two picks), pray Michael Biehn is coming back in time to protect Carson Palmer and Phillip Rivers and prevent the apocalyptic meltdown of the NFL. “Come with me if you want to live.”

● Is it just us, or is Steve Smith vastly underrated as a touchdown celebrator? Chad Johnson gets all the love – Riverdance and the pylon putt were cool – but what about Smith? The canoe paddle, the baby wipe, the fake ball throw at the Redskins fans, the turn-on-the-TV-and-call-a-friend-while-using-the-ball-as-a-phone…where’s the love?

● Rookie San Fran middle linebacker Patrick Willis is an amazing, terrifying man. Watch him.

● Does Rex Grossman walk around his house just dropping shit? Footballs just fall out of his hands these days, why should it be any different at home? Does he break the TV remote every other week? Is he allowed to handle fine china? Can you imagine Thanksgiving dinner at the Grossman household? Grossman tries to pass the gravy to Dad and fumbles it into his lap, scalding Pops and ruining the new table linens. Dad starts shouting that Rex should have stuck with Travel and Tourism at Florida, and Mom starts yelling at Dad because he’ll “hurt Rexy’s confidence!” Like every Thanksgiving, the evening ends with Grossman screaming “I hate you, I never want to see you again!” and running upstairs to his bedroom and burying his sobbing face into a pillow.

● Remember when Romeo Crennel was a good coach? We don’t.

● A John Madden reality feature in which you’d watch him do regular things in his everyday life that aired during halftime Sunday nights – c’mon, you’d watch it, wouldn’t you? Think about how distracted he gets, how confused he is, how confusing he can be, how he can dissect the most complicated play or notice the slightest nuances of the game, yet also drone on about the most obvious nothingness imaginable?

Picture Madden going to the bank to pay his cable bill:

“I came here, today, to pay my cable bill. I have cable TV at home, but when you watch cable TV, you have to pay for it. But you can’t just… [kind of chuckling and grinning to himself now; bank teller is forcing a smile and wondering how Madden dresses himself in the morning, ala Al Michaels]… you can’t just snap your fingers or put the money on your TV. You’ve got to take it to the bank. Banks are where we keep money. [A pigeon flies into the bank]. “Look at that guy. He just wanted to come to the bank, he just wanted to watch some good banking. This is a great place to do it. He’s got the best seat in the house. There’s some great banking going on in here today.”

Of course, he’d follow that up with something clever and interesting, like suggesting some potted plants to make the building more welcoming and pointing out a bank robber. That’s what Madden does.

Other possible scenarios include: ordering food at restaurants, getting fitted for a suit, handing out Halloween candy, working out at the gym, housebreaking his dog, taking his grandchildren to the circus, and so forth.

● Words can’t describe what the angry Bears will do to the Chiefs in their home opener. Thankfully, John Rambo can. Keep watching past the slowish first minute and you’ll quickly see that Rambo is the Bears defence and everyone else is the Chiefs offence.

Week 1 Power Rankings:
1. New England Patriots
2. Indianapolis Colts
3. San Diego Chargers
4-32. Right now, it doesn’t look like it matters

Suicide Watch: Whose fans are jumping in front of a subway car this week?
Da Bears. You hold LaDainian Tomlinson to 25 yards and lose. Let’s not count out Grossman having to finish up that Travel and Tourism degree just yet.

Offside joke of the week:
A friend of the website bitterly explaining to us that Kevin Everett’s spinal injury disrupted Denver’s offensive rhythm and “crippled his chances” on his Pro Line ticket.

Honourary Jake Plummer Award for Inexplicable Stupidity/Being a Complete Bust or Letdown/General Incompetence watch:

Each week, we’ll update our rankings of who’s in line to win this coveted annual award.

1. Charlie Frye, former Browns quarterback – 4/10, 34 yards, 1 INT
When you play so poorly your team immediately trades you away despite it only being Week 1, perhaps it’s time for a career change.

2. Jason David, Saints cornerback – burned for three passing touchdowns
David did score a touchdown, so, in terms of scoring, technically he was only minus-12 on the day. That Herculean effort keeps him from being No. 1 on the list – this week.

3. Rory Segrest, Eagles special teams co-ordinator – his unit had two costly turnovers
Sure, we could blame Greg Lewis and J.R. Reed for those two muffed punts that cost Philly the game against Green Bay. But we knew they sucked.

4. Steven Jackson, Rams running back – 58 rush yards, two lost fumbles
After turning it over just twice in ’06, Jackson protected the ball about as well as Travis Henry protects his sperm, turning it over twice in a loss to the Panthers.

5. Ellis Hobbs, Pats kick returner – NFL record 108-yard kick return for a touchdown
The TD is nice, but returning a kick eight yards deep in the end zone? That’s just not smart football.

Predictions for Week 2:
● Bill Simmons dies from a catastrophic orgasm when the Pats light it up again.
● Al Davis demands that JaMarcus Russell be inserted into the starting lineup immediately. Russell completes just three passes, but each goes for 60-plus yards. He also throws six picks.
● The Pats are caught cheating again. This time, we learn that they murdered Chargers G.M. A.J. Smith last winter, replaced him with a robot, had the robot fire the entire coaching staff, and hand-picked Norv Turner as the replacement coach:

ROBOT SMITH: We select you as the head coach of this American football franchise, Mr. Turner. Please report to Qualcomm Stadium tomorrow at 0600 hours.

TURNER: I, uh. Well, Mr. Smith. This is a surprise. This is a reeeeeally nice surprise. Are you sure about this, though? You ain’t pullin’ my leg? Heh….heh. Now, before we sign on the dotted line…think you could toss in some Acutane?

● Chris Brown probably won't run for 175 yards again.


Mark P said...

That stat about LT and Leaf made me laugh out loud. That's the one thing that Grossman, Frye and all the other shitty quarterbacks in the league can hold their heads up about. Grossman must look in the mirror every morning and say, "At least I'm not Ryan Leaf."

Anonymous said...

Dave Krieg thinks that Rex Grossman's hands are actually rather reliable.

*slinks away in realization that I'm the only one old enough to get that reference*


Spirit of Jake Plummer said...

Haha, I defintely remember Dave Kreig. He wins the award for fumbling over the course of a career, though nobody can top Tony Banks`single season effort (I think he had 21 one year).

T-MAC said...

I could totally see John Madden acting like that at the bank, but in my vision Al Michales is waiting next in line just shaking his head.

Todd Uncommon said...

Forget about the Madden curse.

What about the "Nike-makes-me-look-superhuman-commercial" curse?

Lucky for us, the commercial is in two parts:

Merriman: seems to be less of a playmaker after getting caught taking drugs like freshmakers.

Steven Jackson: a bust in the early going, and then busts himself for at least a few weeks.