So we were watching the Tour de France last week and – just kidding. Imagine if we were actually watching, though. Would you disown us? We would. The Tour de France sucks. It sucks worse than a John Travolta movie – but the DVD fell out of its case and you accidentally put it in the Gigli case. So the Tour de France sucks worse than a Travolta movie wrapped in a Gigli case.
But we shouldn’t give up on that overblown, juiced up monstrosity of a sporting event, right? That’s why Hurk challenged Larkin to cook up 19 ways to fix the Tour de France. Bon appetite.
1. Allow unicyclists to enter. Imagine the deaths when they hit rough terrain?
2. Equip the bikes with lasers.
3. Kick off the race with a celebrity pro-am. Athletes share a double bike with a celebrity. Picture Floyd Landis and Mary Hart from Entertainment Tonight riding together. They hit a rock, Hart flies head first into a tree, then starts malfunctioning. Wires and nuts and bolts come out of her ears, then she grabs a nearby little girl by the throat and choke-slams her.
4. Allow custom riding outfits. Tuxedos and gorilla suits would be cool.
5. Have John Madden do colour commentary. “You know, racing is…is about winning. You’re either gonna win, or you’re not gonna win. A lot of guys lose, and one guy wins. Often you see one guy win one year, and BOOM! Another guy wins another year. You pedal with your feet, and the moves."
6. Let ’roid ragers race, but they have to do it on foot.
7. Have Lakitu from the Super Mario Bros. games hover on his cloud and throw the spiny-shelled things at the racers (Remember him? What a prick).
8. Helicopter David Hasselhoff around the event and repeatedly place him at random points on the track. Watch him stumble and grasp at the riders as they swerve to avoid him.
9. Dip the yellow jersey in urine. The race will stay super close since everyone will want to be in second place until the end.
10. Remove the breaks from every bike.
11. Turn the event into a triathlon…sort of. Racers enter water but must ride their bikes through the water. Then they run…while carrying their bikes.
12. Put jumps and ramps on the track. Let BMX guys enter.
13. Have the race pass through
14. Enter Lance Armstrong with a child’s 10-speed bike and see what he can do.
15. Enter Joe Pesci. Why Joe Pesci? Dunno. It would just be hilarious to see Pesci puffing, sweating and swearing while he pedals up a hill.
16. Cancel it.
17. Allow only monkey-lizard tandems to race. The monkeys drive the bikes with lizards in their respective sidecars. Can you say FOX’s next ratings juggernaut?
18. Guillotine whoever finishes last in each stage.
19. Feed the contestants only Fruit Roll-Ups for the entire event.
8 comments:
20. Rotate the tour among other French-speaking nations or territories. Picture the Tour of Haiti. Maybe the Tour of Quebec. That would be cool. The winner could be given the right to fuck Sophie Trudeau, which would keep everybody off the 'roids. Seriously, would you want to win if it meant seeing Sophie's chunky monkey? I didn't think so.
If you want to bring respectability back to the race, you need to make sure the winner isn't doping.
That means bringing back the one guy who every cycling fan this side of France, Sal Ruibal included, knows for a fact isn't doping: Lance Armstrong.
If Lance was still winning titles, we'd know the winner was clean.
21. Castrate those who are caught cheating. I mean, it worked for Lance Armstrong. He wasn't cheating. Right? RIGHT?!
PS - he was clearly cheating.
Kevin I suggest calling your lawyer. The lawsuit from Mr. Armstrong is arriving soon.
Listen to 'anonymous', Kevin.
-- Vol. 100 Hate Mail Champion Malcolm Aboud
I like number 16 especially.
The "the spiny-shelled things" you speak of are called Spinys. Come on now, let's see some investigative reporting next time.
And just for completion's sake, Lakitu's cloud is named Jugem's Cloud.
haha
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