Three Stars (and one man who may or may not have needed a performance-enhancing drug to accomplish what many women and children can): Tex delivers

Last night's studs:

1. MARK TEIXEIRA -- He went yard in his first game as a Brave and got a curtain call. Is it just us, or are curtain calls a dime a dozen these days? They used to mean something -- they belonged only to McGwire and Sosa 10 years ago. Now they're as common as the wave. Do you think snobby corporate fans in the good seats will start boycotting the curtain call because they don't want to stand up and clap?

2. A.J. BURNETT -- He threw a four-inning simulated game yesterday...and his elbow didn't disintegrate! That $55-million contract is paying for itself!

3. JORGE POSADA -- The little rat deserves some respect. Baseball brass claimed he was on the decline heading into this season, but he keeps hammering the ball. Two homers last night brought his weekly total to three and his average remains above .340. So Posada gets rewarded for pissing on his hands, yet "special" children get ridiculed for it. What a world.

AND ONE MAN WHO MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE NEEDED A PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUG TO ACCOMPLISH WHAT MANY WOMEN AND CHILDREN CAN: ALESSANDRO PISSILLI. What do Michelle Wie and that 11-year-old loser kid who collects beetles and gets dropped off at golf camp by his neglectful parents for the entire day have in common? They can both crush a golf ball. They can reach some par fives in two.

So why the hell would Pissilli, an Italian golfer, feel the need to use 'roids? Being a jacked monster doesn't help in a sport that's more about technique than anything (read: David Duval). He tested positive to a banned drug that treats the prostate, stops hair loss and allegedly masks steroids. You disgust us, Pissilli. How dare you hide your comb-over and your bulging, swollen prostate that makes you pee every half hour?