Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Three Stars (and one guy who somehow got rewarded for being crappy): Klesko Kles-K.O.'s the Pirates

Last night's studs:

1. RYAN KLESKO -- Travolta did it with Pulp Fiction; Mickey Rourke did it with Sin City; now Klesko, with his grand salami last night, confirmed the theory that aging, bloated pieces of shit can come out of nowhere to revive their careers. Oh, who are we kidding? Klesko will be flipping burgers within a year. And flipping burger remnants out of a dumpster and into his bearded mouth in two years.

2. RICHIE SEXSON -- Walkoff homers are flat out cool. Especially coming from overpaid hackers hitting .210. The jumping/head-patting chaos at home plate thing is cool too. Though it must be hard to reach Sexson's head.

3. MIKE RICCI -- Sure, his NHL career was blander than a biochemist's wardrobe, but he deserves to be honoured after announcing his retirement yesterday. Why? Because he may be the ugliest man ever to strap on skates. Who will be remembered more in 10 years -- Zigmund Palffy, who retired prematurely after many unspectacular all-star seasons, or Ricci, whose greasy locks and bird nose make Gilbert Gottfried seem downright hot by comparison?

AND ONE GUY WHO SOMEHOW GOT REWARDED FOR BEING CRAPPY: MIKE WEIR. Ranking sixth in the world is a distant memory for the 2003 Masters champion, yet he was named to the President's Cup team yesterday ahead of fellow countryman Stephen Ames, who's been better than Weir in every way this year. Why'd Gary Player pick Weir? Was it because Ames melted down in a second straight major, or because Ames' horse face frightens and/or blinds anyone foolish enough to look at it?


malcolm said...

"Kles-K.O." has gotta be the funniest non-offensive thing I've seen on here lol.

On a more serious note, I think it was Ames' off-course stuff that got his snubbed for the President's Cup roster. Supposedly he was badmouthing the RCGA for some reason? More importantly, he trash-talked Tiger. Nobody dumb enough to trash-talk Tiger should be allowed to compete in international competition. Now Ames turns to Stone every time he sees Tiger on the course -- if they ended up near each other in President's Cup competition, I feel like he'd shoot 142.

Denomme said...

Richie Sexson is funny and shitty.

Did you hear about that bar in Seattle?

They have a promotion called "Cheap Sex on Mondays." On that day, when you come into the bar, whatever Sexson is batting is what you pay for a pint.

Brilliant. I bet there's nowhere else you can get a beer for $2.10.