Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Guest Blogger: John Daly*

A few weeks ago, Spirit of Jake Plummer tracked down one of its favourite athletes, John Daly, hoping he could give us an inside look at this year’s PGA Championship. When we found Daly, face down in a pool of urine wearing only a g-string made out of candy, he quickly agreed. Daly shot a 67 Thursday before following up with three consecutive 73s. He then disappeared for the next few days. Daly didn’t let us down, however. While his blog entry was late -- we received it at 4:34 a.m. this morning -- it arrived here all the same.

Here’s what Daly had to say about this weekend’s PGA Championship:

Hey everybody. First, I wanna thank Jake Plummer for letting me do this. I don’t really do the whole interweb thing, not unless I’m searching for porn, but Mr. Plummer won me a whole whack of money when he threw all those interceptions in the AFC Championship game against the Steelers a few years ago, so I don’t mind doing him a favour.

So I guess he mostly wants me to talk about the PGA Championship. I did pretty good. Some people were wondering what happened to me because I got that 67 on Thursday but finished 32nd. It was so hot though, and I’d had like 15 beers. I just wanted to be sitting in a pool eating hot dogs, you know? I sort of lost concentration.

But that’s life. I still made pretty good prize money. It’s not Tiger money, but I don’t need Tiger money. He’s a nice guy, but I don’t buy all those fancy things, I don’t need the frills like Tiger. He drinks premium lager. It’s like 40 bucks a case! I’m a Schlitz man, myself. Either way, I won’t make excuses like that fag Sergio Garcia.

Alright, what else happened? I saw Woody Austin was saying some stuff after, saying he was better than Tiger. What a bunch of crap. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Tiger is the best golfer in the world. Austin said Tiger doesn’t intimidate him, that it’s not like he’s gonna fight Tiger. I tell you what, if that fairy was talking like that about me, I’d kick his ass. That’s what Tiger should do, just beat his ass down.

Austin said Tiger doesn’t intimidate him. I think Tiger is a pretty intimidating guy. He’s in good shape. He doesn’t have the boiler like me. But there’s lots of intimidating things in golf. Try chipping in from a sand trap when it’s 120 degrees out and you’ve downed 11 Bud Lights on the back nine (I only drink light beer on the course. People always say I’m nuts and that I drink too much and stuff. It’s light beer. You’d think it was prohibitten or something). Or try heading back to your car after a round knowing your wife might be there with a steak knife. That’s intimidating.

But Tiger is the best in the world, he’s an intimidating guy. Nice guy though. I went to his house for dinner once, it was a really nice place. I felt bad cause I had too many drinks. I was singing on the table, and I fell and pulled their chandelier down, then I got sick all over Elin. She was good about it even though I don’t really like the Germans because of what they did at the Hollacost. You could bounce a quarter off her ass. But the wait staff was pissed and the manager was yelling at me pretty good. Actually, that might have been at T.G.I. Friday’s. But Tiger is still a nice guy though.

I liked Tulsa a lot. That’s where the Championship was. Tulsa. It sounds like salsa. One time I was hanging out with Jeremy Shockey, he plays for the Giants. It was like 3 a.m. and we were at an all-night grocery store, we needed more cigarettes cause the ones Shock rolled fell apart, they fuckin sucked. So we get there and he dared me to eat a whole jar of extra hot salsa. I polished the sucker off in a minute and half. That’s Shockey though, he’s crazy, always daring me to do crazy stuff. Actually, I’m in Tijuana right now, the salsa here is great. [Daly’s wife] Sherrie and I got into a fight after the final round Sunday cause I burst into the bathroom and smoked her with a water balloon while she was taking a shit. I don’t remember much, but somehow I ended up here. It’s been a lot of fun, everyone likes to party. It’s kind of hard because I don’t speak Mexican, but as long as I can say “tequila” I’m ok, right? Hah.

I’m going home this afternoon. A really nice pig farmer I met, Miguel, is giving me a lift. He’s gonna let me ride in the back of his pig truck. Those fuckers are fun, we just wrestle around back there. I even named some of them. There’s Porky, and Bacon Bits, and Professor Wiggum. That’s a combination of my two favourite Simpsons characters. Professor Frink is one of them. That guy is such an egghead! He makes me laugh though, and he’s really smart. The other guy is Chief Wiggum. Some people say I remind them of Wiggum. That’s not a bad thing, cause he’s one of my favourite characters, but I don’t really like cops. We were having a party and things got a little loud and somebody called the cops. One of ‘em even pepper-sprayed me in the face! He was making such a big deal, cause I was trying to grab his gun, but I wasn’t trying to start nothing. I was gonna show him my range out back. We shoot old cans of Chef Boyardee. But I think the cops are pretty unfair. Normally, Sherrie and I just say “Hey, let’s have a quiet night in the trailer” and we just pop in some Simpsons DVDs.

Anyway, I guess that’s pretty much everything that happened at the PGA Championship. I hope you enjoyed this “insiders” look at it. I’d tell you more, but I’ve got a splitting headache and I’m about to crap out a log the size of Professor Wiggum.

Until next time,

John Daly

* Clearly not John Daly.


Anonymous said...

Awesome! I think Daly should be a guest blogger after every major.

Hayesism said...

very fucking hilarious guys. i especially liked the part about shockey...

Anonymous said...

Dude, am still trying to get the g-string and Daly mental picture out of my head ... get out, get out!

Taryn said...

Well written article.

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Sorry for offtopic