The Douchmeter: Bud's a dud

Each Monday, we look at the Douchiest things in sports:

1. BUD SELIG -- Selig, you fucking douchebag. Is he not as douchie as any douche entry we’ve had this year? Indecisive: check. Awkward in reading crappy, pre-written statements: check. Totally spineless: check. An embarrassment to America’s pastime: check. Looking frighteningly similar to an 82-year-old woman who just filled her bedpan with runny feces when he stood up to “honour” Bonds’ record-tying homer? Check.

2. WOODY AUSTIN -- After finishing behind Woods at the PGA Championship, Austin basically insinuated that Tiger is no better than he, arguing he outplayed Tiger consistently over the course of the weekend and that the world’s No. 1 ranked golfer merely “scored higher.” Um, Woody? You’re not even in the same stratosphere as Tiger. He could've beaten you when he was 11. Next you’ll be telling us you “could get as much pussy as David Beckham, but I’m just lazy.” Maybe you should just take your second-place ribbon and be happy.

3. SPORTS ACCOMPLISHMENTS -- Doesn’t it suck that every major individual sports accomplishment will invite a major steroid investigation from now on?

“A-Rod breaks Bonds’ record; booed by home crowd over steroid use”

“Ovechkin scores 93^rd goal; denies taking performance-enhancing drugs”

“Rose drains 96-foot putt; former caddie claims he gave Rose energy bar before each round”

“Crosby scores hat trick; denies taking Sudafed before game”

“Jones wins donut-eating contest; stomach capacity doubled week before event”

“Bear kills mother of two in park; refuses to take urine test”

4. THE BOSTON CELTICS -- Sure, we could park Reggie Miller (and Penny Hardaway, for that matter) on the Douchemeter for a pathetic comeback attempt, but hey, if an NBA team threw money at us and wanted to make a championship run, what would we do?

The Celtics want a weapon to drop 10 points a game on opponents in limited action and deliver the odd dagger three-ball in clutch situations, Robert Horry style. Good idea, but it has nothing to do with Reggie Miller. Reggie Miller is a 41-year-old man with Calista Flockhart’s body who shot just 32 per cent from beyond the arc in his last season.

5. ANTHONY HARGROVE -- Anthony Hargrove did his best Anthony Soprano impression last week. The Buffalo defensive end was suspended for four games for violating the league’s substance abuse policy and was arrested and charged with three misdemeanours after tangling with police at a Rochester nightclub. Drugs and violence are bad, but intentionally hanging out in Rochester? That's crossing the line. Hargrove also allegedly broke a cop’s glasses.

6. COPS WITH GLASSES -- Losers.

7. ROGER CLEMENS -- We didn’t think it would happen this year, but The Rocket’s career may finally be approaching the sad phase. Do you play any beer league sports? Ever notice that it’s the 45-year-olds, not the young guys, who start all the skirmishes? They’re jealous of our easily erectable penises and low body fat percentage and play every game with a chip on their shoulder. They want to “teach us a lesson.” Just like Clemens wanted to teach Alex Rios a lesson.

8. A.J. BURNETT -- Burnett has teased our cocks more than the skanky chick at a high-school kegger who makes out with three guys and dances on a table in her bra but is actually a virgin. Yesterday’s three hit, one-run performance is merely a frustrating prelude to him getting crushed by the D-Rays, blowing out his elbow or finishing third in a sausage race.

9. RICK ANKIEL -- Woooo! Woooo! Rick Ankiel, home run hero! Rick Ankiel, future Disney blockbuster! Wooooo! You know what his amazing story reminds us of? THE TIME HE THREW 98 WILD PITCHES IN ONE INNING AND WAS A HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE OF AN ATHLETE.

God, we’re mean. Why can’t we just let him enjoy his success? We just needed to get one more crack in before his choker past fades away. Here’s hoping he develops a hiccup in his swing and starts hucking bats into the stands uncontrollably.

10. JEFF GORDON -- Gordon had a two-car-length lead on Tony Stewart at Watkins Glen before making a “stupid” mistake and spinning -- aw, fuck it. You know we care less about NASCAR than a NASCAR fan cares about sunburns, showering regularly or staying sober two days in a row. We tried.