Thursday, August 16, 2007

Three Stars (and one guy who must've downed a glass of Ex Lax, because he totally lost his shit): Torii the motivator

Last night's studs:

TORII HUNTER -- yeah, he led the Twins to a 6-1 win and smacked a ninth-inning grand slam yesterday, but he mainly earns points for his bizarre motivation tactics. After Minny started its road trip 1-6, Hunter told his teammates, manager and himself, "You stink." The Twinkies have responded with two straight wins. So that's why daddy called mommy a worthless whore who's never worked a day in her life. He was motivating her. We love you, dad.

DAVID BECKHAM -- we have to admit he impressed us last night. In his first significant action of the MLS regular season, Becks scored on a free kick and set up another goal as the Galaxy won 2-0. Does the performance prove his dominance, or how unbelievably crappy MLS is?

RYAN JORGENSEN -- yeah, Russell Martin hit two bombs last night, but we have to give love to a guy who goes yard in his first big league at-bat. Atta boy, Ryan! Last night was the first and best moment of a mediocre career in which you'll hit .238, snort some coke off Alyssa Milano's tits and fade into obscurity.

AND ONE GUY WHO MUST'VE DOWNED A GLASS OF EX LAX, BECAUSE HE TOTALLY LOST HIS SHIT: JOSE OFFERMAN -- somebody's been watching the end of Casino over and over with Delmon Young snuggled up on the couch. What the fuck, Jose? The former major leaguer -- and current Long Island Duck...ouch -- went apeshit in a minor league game yesterday after getting beaned, striking two guys with his bat. We're sorry you're crappy now, Jose, and that you were never even that good to begin with, but control yourself. Maybe this was his sick, twisted audition for The Douchmeter.

1 comment:

malcolm said...

My favourite part of the Offerman ordeal is Tommy John (who was managing the other team) going on ESPN and saying "If you're going to throw at somebody, you don't throw a slider at his left calf."