Round table: Madden 08

Spirit of Jake Plummer looooves video games. They’ve been a safe haven for us all our lives, protecting us from chores, sitting on our creepy uncle’s knee while he’s “excited,” and the horrible realization that acne hinders your chances of intercourse.

As sports fans, we herald no video game like we herald EA Sports’ Madden franchise. Madden NFL 08 came out yesterday. After we cleaned our semen off the floor, we arranged a top-notch roundtable interview with the personalities behind the video game magic:

John Madden, football commentator, former NFL head coach and video game franchise founder

Vince Young, Tennessee Titans quarterback and current Madden cover model

Cyrus Worbodowksi, lead EA Sports programmer for this year’s Madden game

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SOJP reporter: Well, I’m in awe here. I sit before three of my idols. The men behind the Madden magic.

WORBODOWSKI: Well, technically Mr. Young is the man in front of the aforementioned magic. He adorns the cover of this year’s game.

SOJP: Right.

MADDEN: Interesting that you, you, you say “right.” It’s a word that comes up a lot. Some people are right about stuff, and some are wrong. Sometimes you make a right turn, sometimes a left one. Heck, some times you make a right one when you were supposed to make a left! Then you get your Mapquest goin’, and ---

SOJP: All right, then. Let’s get down to business. First off -- whenever a new version of a popular game comes out, the fans always want to know what’s different. What makes Madden 08 special? Why should I buy it if I have last year’s game?

WORBODOWSKI: Well, for the record, I’m saving my money for the next Final Fantasy game. HELLO! Someone’s been living under a rock.

MADDEN: The Rock. Duane Johnson.

SOJP: Well, humour me. What’s new for 2008?

WORBODOWSKI: First off, we’ve drastically improved the tackling A.I. People love impact. People love collisions and big hits. We’ve introduced Hit Stick 2.0., which lets you tackle ball carriers high or low. The physics are truly astounding.

SOJP: Hold on a second. Cyrus, have you ever played a game of football in your life?

WORBODOWSKI: Well, I was more of a Dungeons & Dragons kid. Level 11 Warlock, actually.

SOJP: OK, Vince, Vinny, you haven’t chimed in yet. Do you think a guy like Cyrus Worbodowski is really equipped to understand and program tackling physics?

YOUNG: Well man, shit, I dunno. I…it’s all good, baby. It’s all good.

SOJP: So you’re cool with him being the “tackling expert”?

YOUNG: Well, ha ha, to be honest wit chou, I’m too busy avoiding tackles to know much about ’em, ha ha ha, you know what I mean?

WORBODOWSKI: Typical answer. Great job, cover boy! Just what I expect from the guy who wrote the worst Wonderlic test in recent memory.

YOUNG: Wonderlic? I told you, man, I don’t eat ice cream. What the fuck’s your problem? I’m lactose intol….lactose ain’t good inside me, man.

MADDEN: Ice cream. HA! I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. Sometimes you get a big ole offensive lineman screamin’ louder than the rest of the kids.

SOJP: … so, back to the new features. What else should we be creaming ourselves over?

WORBODOWSKI: Our new weapons feature is sure to please. Any player rated 90 or better in a certain category is considered a “weapon player.”

SOJP: Cool. So Pacman and Vick actually get to use guns and shit? Is it a cheat code?

YOUNG: I didn’t do nothing.

WORBODOWSKI: (rolls eyes impatiently) Very funny. No, it means, for example, that Marvin Harrison is a perfect route runner, just like in real life. He has a 100 route-running rating.

SOJP: 100? Perfect? Is it fair to claim Harrison’s perfect?

MADDEN: The Perfect Storm. Good movie. Didn’t see it.

SOJP: …OK. Well, let’s move on. We can’t talk Madden without talking about the curse. Is it real or not?

MADDEN: White or whole wheat? Day games, and night games.

SOJP: What?

WORBODOWSKI: Just ignore him. He’s been doing it all day. Anyway, the curse isn’t real. Well, it was once. In 2002 Daunte Culpepper called me a “goober cracker,” so I cast a Level 11 lizard lightning bolt curse on him. Low and behold, he hurt his back.

SOJP: So, any horrible curses planned for your boy Vince here?

WORBODOWSKI: Depends on if he gives me my Mont Blanc pen back.

YOUNG: Fuck this shit, man. I’m outta here. I’m gone. I never took that pen. Let me axe you something – how much writing do you think VY does? How much?

SOJP: He has you there.

MADDEN: I think I may secretly be gay. Sometimes I think about turkey sandwiches during sex with my wife. But sometimes I think about a big ole defensive tackle coming down on top of me and kissing my nipples. I-i-i-i-it’s something I should address.

SOJP: Well, I think this is getting a little weird, even for SOJP. So I’m going to turn the tape recorder off.

Note: After the interview, Worbodowski pulled a plastic lightsaber from his brief case and struck Young in the temple with it. Young laughed and stuffed Worbodowski into a garbage can. Seconds later, Young’s ACL spontaneously exploded. Madden also asked our reporter if anyone has ever “kissed him where he pees.” Wow.