Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Three Stars (and one guy who better watch his back in dark alleys)

Last night’s studs:

1. MATT MURPHY – The Queens, NY resident won a bloody scrum for Barry Bonds’ 756th career homer. He and his friend were on a one-day layover in San Francisco and decided to attend the game (What? How were tickets even available?).

The ball is predicted to fetch just $400-500,000, far less than the $3.3 million Mark McGwire’s 70th home run ball went for. But, if Murphy is smart, he’ll spend the money to build a time machine, travel 30 years into the past, kill McGwire and Sammy Sosa – thus ensuring their 1998 home run chase never occurs and meaning all of Bonds’ current records don’t feel watered down because of the homer-happy era, thereby upping the value of his current memorabilia – and return to the present to catch No. 756 with enough time to catch the last run of Sportscentre. Foolproof.

2. JOSH TOWERS – The Blue Jays finally gave us something to get even remotely excited about and, inexplicably, the fun was delivered by Josh Towers. Towers got pumped in a 9-2 loss to the Yanks, but he did drill that prick Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod approached the mound pretending he was going to do something about it (slowly approached the mound, waiting for help to arrive) while Towers pointed to first base and told the douche to keep walking.

Both benches cleared twice and Roger Clemens and Joe Torre were ejected. No punches were thrown, but this is as close as we’re getting to playoff excitement this year, so savour this moment, Jays fans. We’re having commemorative T-shirts made up.

One other note: Towers said he became incensed a second time not because of A-Rod, but Yanks base coach Tony Pena. He told reporters Pena should keep his cocksmoker shut because he’s a quitter (Pena quit as manager of Kansas City in May 2005). We need to make sure Ricciardi doesn’t resign Towers now that he’s made it obvious he’ll never quit. He’ll just keep trotting out there, game after game, serving up homer after homer, until all of our hearts explode.

3. GARY MATTHEWS JR. – In a 10-4 win over the Red Sox, Matthews had three hits, including a double, a homer and four RBIs. He also leaped over a wall and robbed Coco Crisp of dinger.

Gary Matthews Jr. Fun Fact: As a child, the Angels outfielder was babysat by Barry Bonds. This is the same Gary Matthews Jr. that was linked to a human growth hormone scandal in February. Hmm…

AND ONE GUY WHO BETTER WATCH HIS BACK IN DARK ALLEYS: BARRY BONDS – Yesterday, the SOJP staff wrote a Barry Bonds piece (to be printed today) contingent on him not homering last night. Well, guess what? Bonds did what he does best: fuck everybody else.

Now, we’re gonna have to spend extra time today coming up with new content. At Spirit of Jake Plummer we don’t do many things well, but if there’s one thing we’re good at, it’s starting and blowing out of proportion petty grudges. And we swear revenge on you, Barry. Your family will cry a thousand tears when they find out what we’ve done to you. We will haunt your children’s dreams forever. The cheating we can take. You being a complete asshole we can take. Costing us an extra 30 minutes of work? Sleep with one eye open, Barry, your demise is imminent.

6 comments:

malcolm said...

A) You could just print your outdated story as if Bonds never hit the homer. The Globe did it this morning with a story titled something like "Opposing players not sure how they'll react to 756". Gotta love a Sports sections that doesn't acknowledge anything happening after 11:00 the night before.

B) It's actually McGwire's 62nd ball you want to compare the ball from last night to, not his 70th (unless Bonds never hits another HR). That one was valued around $1 million, though, so the depreciation's still pretty huge.

Kevin said...

how didn't Matt Stairs make you list? Him following A-Rod around the infield while being held back by 2 yankees was gold, and sitting on the top stair of the dugout (on the third base side) on a gatorade cooler staring down A-Rod was downright amazing.

Spirit of Jake Plummer said...

Malc: See, I think Mac's 70th ball fetched the most money in the end because it was the new record (for example, Bonds' last career homer will be more valuable than 756). Either way, we're too lazy to fact check.

Kev: True, regarding Stairs, but I have to give Towers credit for making it all happen. Nobody did anything in NY before or two days ago in T.O. Finally, Towers decided he'd had enough (or, more likely, he just sucks balls and lost control. I love that Sportsnet commentators -- owned by Rogers, which owns the Jays -- continue to suck Towers' balls. All night they're like "he has such great, great control, that's why he gives up so many homers, because he's always around the plate." Well, congrats, Josh, you could be the world's best self-pitch softball pitcher.

Either way, Stairs was pretty cool. He was totally a Dad at his kid's softball game.

malcolm said...

Exactly my point about the last one being worth more (it was valued about 3 times as highly). My point is that Bonds' ball isn't worth less than McGwire's 70th because of diminished value in the steroid era. It's worth less because it's the ball after the previous record, not the one that'll eventually be the record.

My point is that 756 should be compared to the price of ball 62, since the two feats are more comparable.

Denomme said...

Fuck you, Malcolm.

Ever hear of something called deadlines? I feel bad for your editors.

If you got your paper downtown you would have had Bonds splashed all over the paper.

malcolm said...

Hahaha, sorry Doc; the Globe's early deadline is well worth it for the fact that it's actually there in the morning (unlike some of the other T.O papers, which might not show up 'til noon sometimes).