Tuesday, August 7, 2007

The Douchemeter: Rory is a baby

Each Monday, we review the Douchey-ist stuff in sports.

1. RORY SABBATINI – Sabbatini had a retired firefighter/paramedic thrown off the course at the Firestone Country Club this weekend after the fan asked “Hey, Rory. Still think Tiger’s beatable?”, referring to Sabbatini earlier this year calling Tiger “beatable as ever.”

“We’re out here to do our job -- let us do our job,'' Sabbatini said later after asking police to eject the fan.

We didn’t know his job description included acting like a pussy because he opened his big yap and tried to talk shit about the best golfer in the world before realizing he’s Rory Sabbatini and probably should just keep his mouth shut.

2. NFL PRESEASON GAMES – They mean less than “that look” the hot intern at work supposedly keeps shooting you. You and preseason games are ugly. If you could just sit down in the back, keep quiet and try not to draw any attention to yourself, everyone would really appreciate it.

3. US – Not publishing yesterday because of a civic holiday? A Canadian civic holiday? Poor form. By the way, the weekend hangover is probably going to water down content at least until Thursday. We’re not young anymore.

4. THE CHINESE FOOD INDUSTRY – Beijing Olympic officials are installing a “high-tech” plan to ensure healthy food is delivered to its athletes. Global positioning satellites will help oversee food production, processing factories and food hygiene after questions regarding China’s food production arose. Chinese-made pet food killed some North American dogs and cats and since then numerous products, ranging from toothpaste to tires, have been recalled.

Two things, China: A) You probably didn’t need to wait until you were awarded an Olympics to get your pet-killing food industry in order. B) You’re starting to go a little overboard with the whole technology thing. Solving your rancid food problem with GPS? Try washing your hands.

5. KNEE INJURIES – Each year during NFL training camp, more knees get banged up than on the set of Oral Action 8. It’s a shame, especially when a star goes down. Not only do we missing watching said star – and perhaps he’ll never be the same again – but fantasy footballers’ collective anus falls out.

6. DAVID BECKHAM – Remember when Beckham was going to save soccer in the U.S.? Weird, neither do we.

Everyone’s favourite metrosexual skipped the Galaxy’s match against Toronto this weekend because his poor ’widdle ankle still hurts. Honestly, we could care less about watching Beckham play. But we feel cheated the raucous Toronto FC crowd didn’t get a chance to spend an afternoon getting hammered and throwing shit at him (not that they don’t do that every week anyway).

7. MICHAEL STRAHAN – The Giants defensive end is holding out, though says his absence isn’t about money. Note: Strahan just got divorced and the court awarded his wife $15.3 million. Mike? You don’t have to lie, buddy. We know it’s about money.

8. PACMAN JONES – Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. Sorry, that earns Pacman a second consecutive week on the Douchemeter. Does anything about this guy surprise you anymore? If news broke that he was running a secret Guatemalan midget sex-slave ring, would you even blink?

9. BRADY QUINN – Hey, dick. It wasn’t that long ago you were on television literally imploding before our eyes as the Dolphins skipped over you in the draft for a 170-lb receiver. Maybe you should just be thankful the Browns drafted you and get your ass into camp, Golden Boy.

10. STEVE SPURRIER – The old ball coach is threatening to quit SC because he was so embarrassed by the school’s rejection of two of his recruits. Though the recruits met NCAA academic minimums, South Carolina turned them down anyway. What’s more surprising? That SC turned away the recruits, or that Spurrier was even aware they taught classes at the university?


malcolm said...

Why all the complaint that NFL Preseason games don't mean anything? Isn't that sort of the idea? Every year, NFL teams play four games that don't mean anything in order to get ready for the games that do. Complaining that preseason games are meaningless is like complaining that training camp's meaningless.

Anonymous said...

Pacman is just plum-crazy. I was gonna say that he should be in Simmon's 'Tyson Zone', but after this action, I definitely think a renaming of the zone is required - the 'Pacman Zone' sounds way better, and makes just as much sense. I also think a boycott of ESPN should be started until Simmons comes back...that way he will never leave again. I can't deal with a day without one of his columns, let alone a month.

malcolm said...

Simmons is gone? That makes more sense for why he hasn't written much. When's he coming back?

In the meantime, Numbahs, you can fill the void with Peter King's NFL stuff.

Chad Nevett said...

Well, just so you know, I apparently did not get that sports editor position. Not because I'm horribly unqualified and don't know nearly enough about sports, but because the article I submitted to show them what I meant about having a balance between more newsy stories and more fun articles was deemed offensive. You guys wrote MUCH more offensive stuff when you were sports editors.

Anonymous said...

I read in a Simmons chat a few weeks ago that he was still going to do his one or two articles a week for the rest of the summer, and also do his regular BS Report. He's taking time off to write another book. Seems like he's slacking on the articles this week. I'm looking forward to when he starts his weekly Friday football article again. This summer of sports is painful.


malcolm said...

Yeah, that sounds right Hayes, and Simmons has definitely been slow to print stuff. It's tough getting through the shitty sports time of summer without him (thank god for King, Banks, Dr. Z and NFL training camp).

Even if he hasn't printed much, though, his last few columns have been some of his best. The Donaghy and Garnett pieces were money.

Anonymous said...

I need a daily diet of Simmons though - his columns are at least a shit long, so I only have to print one thing (not 3-5).
Also, I can only deal with so much information in sports - I want opinions and rants to make the day go by faster, they are much more interesting.
All I can say is that his book better be good.
He also said they were gonna update the sports guy main page - should be sick. He wanted to make it a place you would go everyday.
I've read all of the training camp stuff, and all it really says is that the Pats are gonna rip shit up. Not that I'm not happy about that.
The three stars are definitely the highlight of every work day now though, so keep up the good work on that one guys.