Monday, August 13, 2007

Three Stars (and one Canadian export giving Boston sports fans more tummy aches than mad cow): the unhittable Bobby Jenks

The weekend’s studs:


1. BOBBY JENKS – the hefty, trashy White Sox closer tied a Major League record yesterday when he retired his 41st consecutive batter. Impressive, though it’s just the latest of many amazing streaks for Jenks. Forty-one consecutive beef jerky strips without vomiting. Forty-one burps in four minutes. Forty-one F-bombs in one phone call with Grandma. Forty-one straight math tests with a grade below 41. Congrats on the latest accolade, Bobby.


2. TIGER WOODS – believe it or not, this is Eldrick’s first SOJP star selection. Congrats on the cherry poppage, Tiger. Make that 13 major championships for you. What’s that? Tiger’s an annoying, obvious Three Star pick? F-U-C-K Y-O-U. What’s your problem? Why do you hate superstars so much? You hated Gretzky and Jordan too, didn’t you? Why can’t you just enjoy an era of greatness? We’re sorry the fat kid with a clubfoot beat you out for the last bench spot on the volleyball team in seventh grade, but don’t take it out on athletic icons like Tiger.


3. MAGGLIO ORDONEZ -- Maggs ran wild, homering twice in an eight-run second inning to lead Detroit to an 11-6 win over Oakland. Ordonez is the second player in Tigers history to homer twice in one inning and the first to spend half his salary on gel for his jerry curl.


AND ONE CANADIAN EXPORT GIVING BOSTON SPORTS FANS MORE TUMMY ACHES THAN MAD COW: ERIC GAGNE -- A few weeks ago, everyone and their dog ripped the Red Sox for acquiring reliever Eric Gagne, saying it was a stupid move for Boston. They were right, but for the wrong reasons. Before the bespectacled Canadian arrived in Beantown, the Sox bullpen had blown just four saves in 114 games. Gagne has blown leads in two of the past three games, leaving the Sox at 6-6 since the trade and filling Boston sports editors with glee because they can finally break out those clever “Gag” related puns they’ve been sitting on.

1 comment:

malcolm said...

Somewhere out there, Woody Austin's cursing the club-footed kid.

No love for Rick Ankiel?