The Douchemeter: "sport" and "underground crime ring" are synonymous

Each Monday, we look at the Douchiest things in sports:

1. TIM DONAGHY -- Not only did you sneak into the washroom at 7-11 and shit all over the walls, you’re gonna rat out your buddies who gave you the idea when they pissed all over the seat. We don’t know how you sleep at night, but very soon it’s going to be on a cold, hard slab of concrete next to a 250-lb man nicknamed “Man Eater” who’s going to fuck your face like a porn star on ’roids and Red Bull.

2. MAJOR NORTH AMERICAN PROFESSIONAL SPORTS -- Does anyone notice that the first five minutes of Sportscentre nowadays consist of crime news? Donaghy and the referee scandal. Rich Tocchet and “Operation Slap shot.” Vick offing doggies. Steroids in baseball. It’s beyond disheartening. Finding out there’s no Santa Claus (sorry, Kev) is disheartening. Learning every major sport is a front for an underground crime ring is worse than learning the guy who crept into your house on Christmas eve not only wasn’t Santa, but gave your dog AIDS.

3. NEW YORK -- Yankee fans are practically the last people you’d peg as bandwagoners but, low and behold, New York just gave A-Rod the key to the city. They hated him a year ago, but as soon as he hits a few extra bombs, they give him something they’ve previously given to Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, the Pope and the Dalai Lama. Seriously. Side note: Does the Dalai Lama deserve the key? What does he do? And should he really have a website?

4. ANTWAN BARNES AND IAN VAN DEN HURK -- Congrats, Antwan. You’re a big man. You crushed Eagles punter Sav Rocca in his first NFL game. The hit was a total cheapshot; Rocca was completely out of the play. And that prick Hurk says he would’ve done it too – “The punter shouldn’t have been on the field.” Shame on you.

5. POLICE/WHOEVER MADE THIS INTO A STORY -- Somewhere, bank robberies, fires, illegal gambling, burglaries and dog fighting are occurring, yet we have a couple of cops staking out a liquor store so they can nail Jimmy Clausen, 18-year-old Notre Dame golden boy quarterback, with a $170 fine. Congrats, gentleman, you’ll make sergeant in no time.

6. US -- Listen, kids. Now don’t get upset. Everything is OK. But Mommy and Daddy are moving apart for a little while. It’s not your fault and we both love you very much, but it’s just something Mommy and Daddy have to do, OK? So we’re just going to pack up our things and go our separate ways on Friday. Maybe take a week or two off, hopefully start publishing again September 3, September 10 at the latest. No, it’s not because of that time you stuffed the VCR full of popcorn. We just need a little time apart because sometimes, mommies and daddies get into fights.

7. PRESEASON INJURIES -- Our fantasy football teams are fucked! In other news, we’d like to have sex someday.

8. DAN HAWKINS -- Hawkins has made his son, Cody, a redshirt freshman, the starting quarterback of the Colorado Buffalos. Offensive co-ordinator/quarterbacks coach Mark Helfrich said Cody moved up because of his consistent play but meant to say “because I don’t want to lose my job.” This is just like the time Larkin’s dad made him first-line centre on the Pee-wee hockey team and he threw up on the goalie.

9. GUSTAVO CHACIN -- His name popped up in the news recently. God knows why. But it made a light bulb go off in our heads – a crappy light bulb in an unfinished basement that you turn on by pulling a chain. The light bulb said “Please revisit Gustavo’s hideousness.” Good idea, light bulb. Let’s reflect again. Think about how ridiculously hideous he is! Shrek: fake. Gustavo: real. No fall or winter league ball for him in the offseason. Gus chills under a bridge chompin’ on cats and small children instead.

10. CANADIAN GOLFERS -- Remember when Mike Weir and Lori Kane flirted with the top of the money list? Now they miss as many cuts as they make. We’re forced to depend on horse-faced pseudo Canadian Stephen Ames, and he chokes worse than a hammered Phil Mickelson playing Jenga on national TV.