Reviews for Men: Transformers

Do guys like movies?

It depends on what you consider a movie. A sweeping romance set in the Victorian era ending with the word “fin” before the credits roll ain’t worth a man’s time. Sex, drugs, explosions and one liners most certainly are. Sense and Sensibility bad, Pulp Fiction good.

Do guys like movie critics?

Not really. Most movie critics fellate Victorian era romances and slam big, loud action flicks. Pride and Prejudice good, Road House bad.

Clearly, we need a "guy movie" critic, and Spirit of Jake Plummer is up to the task.

We won’t rate films for their “importance,” “acting” or “historical accuracy.” We’ll rate 'em for how well they amp up the boobs, carnage and cheese.

With that, we launch our inaugural guy review with a doozie.

Transformers

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Jon Voight, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson

Directed by Michael Bay

144 minutes

PG-13

Story: 9

Explosions: 10

Violence: 8

One-liners: 8

Car Chases: 10

Sex/chicks: 4

Intangibles: 9

Rewatchability: 9

Overall: 8.4

Everything about Transformers is big. Big fan base, big robots, big hype, big budget.

Big letdown? Hell no.

Take the primary Transformers cartoon characters, place them in The Rock, update their physics to make them modern and realistic, add Steven Spielberg’s input to give them heart, and you have one of the best, most mind-blowing blockbusters this millennium.

Is Transformers perfect? No. Super cartoon/comic goobers will whine because Michael Bay deemed Frank Welker’s voice “too old” for modern Megatron and some strange Golemn-like Decepticon keeps popping up, making cutesy noises that sound like the Ewoks.

But considering how challenging it is to make a friggin’ live-action movie about giant robots tearing apart Earth in their war – and to make viewers actually care about those robots the entire two and a half hours – we’ll let those flaws slide.

Five minutes into Transformers, your jaw will drop as you realize “Oh shit. They’re actually going to do this right.” Michael Bay, Hollywood’s purest over-the-top cheese action director, pummels the screen with his trademark slo-mo pan shots and sunny backdrops as a Decepticon absolutely demolishes a U.S. army base to steal information.

The movie then splits into two halves, each of which is good for different reasons. The first half reeks of Spielberg. Teenager Sam Witwicky (perfectly cast Shia LaBeouf, who pulls off the cheesy, awkward role without making you hate him) buys his first car, a yellow Chevy Camaro which turns out to be – you guessed it – Bumblebee. The next hour is like E.T. and Jurassic Park, with lots of comedic moments as Sam gradually learns about the Autobots and why they’re on Earth while the government tries to figure out what the hell is attacking them.

The Sam/Bumblebee storyline is somewhat hokey, but it really works. You can’t help but chuckle as Sam tries to tell the cops that his car “stole itself.” Mikaela Barnes (Megan Fox), Sam’s love interest, provides solid eye candy as she runs from the Decepticons with him, sweating in her short skirt. Transformers is still a kid movie first, though, so don’t expect any nudity or even heavy petting.

So far, so good. Pretty tough to screw up the “learn about the origin” part of any supernatural adventure flick (see: any comic book movie, Ninja Turtles, etc.).

The second leg of Transformers is the true pleasant surprise. Trailers for the film have been highly secretive – showing very few Transformers and boatloads of humans – so many viewers will enter theatres expecting disappointment. Without giving too much away, let’s just say you’ll be satisfied. Plenty of your fave generation-one Transformers pop up, albeit modified for 2007.

Most importantly, Peter Cullen returns to voice Optimus Prime, giving the flick huge credibility. How can you not get sucked in as if you’re watching any old Transformers episode when the original Optimus Prime is talking?

Your eardrums will almost explode as the Autobots and Decepticons butt heads in the second half of Transformers to fight over the AllSpark, an energy cube from the Transformers’ home planet that gives them life. Humans, buildings, cars and anything else in sight get obliterated during the truly epic battle. Forget Star Wars or Pirates of the Carribean; these special effects set a new standard.

As long as you check your uber fact-checking nerd self at the door, Transformers will blow you away.

UPDATE: The Intern sent along this insightful documentary explaining Soundwave's absence from the film.