1. MICHAEL NYLANDER -- Nylander solidified Swedes' rep as dirty, lying cheats when he reneged on a contract with the Oilers this week (Perhaps Sweden didn’t have a rep as dirty, lying cheats. But you have to wonder now, don’t you?). Edmonton claims it had an agreement complete with Nylander only to learn through media reports he had signed with Washington -- just as the Oilers were about to announce their deal.
Larkin recounts this story: "It reminds me of this time in my early days of high school when I wasn’t very popular yet and a cool kid joined my group for a drama presentation, only to realize his mistake and back out at the last minute."
Today’s lesson: Nobody wants to move to Edmonton, nobody wants to hang out with Larkin and don’t trust anyone from Sweden.
2. PAUL KARIYA -- Over the weekend, Kariya proved he has no desire to win and that he’s little more than a mercenary with scoring pop. The former Nashville Predator forewent the opportunity to play for a contender and signed an $18-million contract with the AHL’s San Antonio Rampage (Ok, he signed with the Blues, but explain to us the difference).
3. THE SAN ANTONIO RAMPAGE -- There's a hockey team in San Antonio? That calls itself the rampage? Really? Kill us.
4. SERENA WILLIAMS -- Williams flopped around the court like Dom Hasek yesterday, screaming, crying and generally making a scene because of cramps. Take a Midol and shut the hell up, please.
5. YI JIANLIAN -- So you’re telling us Yi wants to come to America to make millions of dollars to play a game, but only if he can play wherever he wants? We know he’s upset since there's less Chinese people in Milwaukee than the Scarborough Town Centre on any given Tuesday, but it could be worse -- he could be playing in Memphis, and they’re still mad at China for Pearl Harbor.
6. SPIRIT OF JAKE PLUMMER STAFF -- Just because they had a few too many Wildberry coolers over the long weekend they have to skip work on Monday and mail in the rest of the week? This week's Douchemeter is two days late. And there's not even 10 people on it. And it's full of spelig mistakes!
7. BOXERS WHO "RESPECT" EACH OTHER AND DON’T TALK SHIT BEFORE A FIGHT -- Wladimir Klitschko and Lamon Brewster are playing nice before their upcoming heavyweight title fight, refusing to call each other out -- despite the fact that Klitschko has accused Brewster of poisoning him before their last fight.
"I am not thinking of the past, there are no parallels between the two fights," Klitschko said at Monday’s press conference.
Added Brewster: "I don't have many words to say today, I want to thank Wladimir for accepting this challenge."
Thank him for the challenge? Why don’t you thank him for that large box of heavy-flow tampons he hooked you up with, Lamon? We look forward to Saturday’s fight, when Klitschko and Brewster will throw on their jammies and hop in the ring to eat ice cream and giggle about boys while watching Meet Joe Black.
8. MLB FANS -- They burn Bonds at the stake and heckle A-Rod daily, yet vote them both in as all-star starters? Make up your mind, hypocrites. You’re the same people who hated the mean, cool kid in grade school but still invited him to your birthday party to make the day more of an event.