Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Douchemeter: Michael Nylander has no soul (but can probably buy one with that new $19-millon contract)

1. MICHAEL NYLANDER -- Nylander solidified Swedes' rep as dirty, lying cheats when he reneged on a contract with the Oilers this week (Perhaps Sweden didn’t have a rep as dirty, lying cheats. But you have to wonder now, don’t you?). Edmonton claims it had an agreement complete with Nylander only to learn through media reports he had signed with Washington -- just as the Oilers were about to announce their deal.

Larkin recounts this story: "It reminds me of this time in my early days of high school when I wasn’t very popular yet and a cool kid joined my group for a drama presentation, only to realize his mistake and back out at the last minute."

Today’s lesson: Nobody wants to move to Edmonton, nobody wants to hang out with Larkin and don’t trust anyone from Sweden.

2. PAUL KARIYA -- Over the weekend, Kariya proved he has no desire to win and that he’s little more than a mercenary with scoring pop. The former Nashville Predator forewent the opportunity to play for a contender and signed an $18-million contract with the AHL’s San Antonio Rampage (Ok, he signed with the Blues, but explain to us the difference).

3. THE SAN ANTONIO RAMPAGE -- There's a hockey team in San Antonio? That calls itself the rampage? Really? Kill us.

4. SERENA WILLIAMS -- Williams flopped around the court like Dom Hasek yesterday, screaming, crying and generally making a scene because of cramps. Take a Midol and shut the hell up, please.

5. YI JIANLIAN -- So you’re telling us Yi wants to come to America to make millions of dollars to play a game, but only if he can play wherever he wants? We know he’s upset since there's less Chinese people in Milwaukee than the Scarborough Town Centre on any given Tuesday, but it could be worse -- he could be playing in Memphis, and they’re still mad at China for Pearl Harbor.

6. SPIRIT OF JAKE PLUMMER STAFF -- Just because they had a few too many Wildberry coolers over the long weekend they have to skip work on Monday and mail in the rest of the week? This week's Douchemeter is two days late. And there's not even 10 people on it. And it's full of spelig mistakes!

7. BOXERS WHO "RESPECT" EACH OTHER AND DON’T TALK SHIT BEFORE A FIGHT -- Wladimir Klitschko and Lamon Brewster are playing nice before their upcoming heavyweight title fight, refusing to call each other out -- despite the fact that Klitschko has accused Brewster of poisoning him before their last fight.

"I am not thinking of the past, there are no parallels between the two fights," Klitschko said at Monday’s press conference.

Added Brewster: "I don't have many words to say today, I want to thank Wladimir for accepting this challenge."

Thank him for the challenge? Why don’t you thank him for that large box of heavy-flow tampons he hooked you up with, Lamon? We look forward to Saturday’s fight, when Klitschko and Brewster will throw on their jammies and hop in the ring to eat ice cream and giggle about boys while watching Meet Joe Black.

8. MLB FANS -- They burn Bonds at the stake and heckle A-Rod daily, yet vote them both in as all-star starters? Make up your mind, hypocrites. You’re the same people who hated the mean, cool kid in grade school but still invited him to your birthday party to make the day more of an event.

7 comments:

ravi said...

nobody wants to live in edmonton? screw you guys...

Anonymous said...

MLB Fans not liking arod is a generalization.

have you ever been anywhere outside of toronto, like say new york where the guy has millions of fans and supporters, how about the fact that he is on his way to an AL MVP award, playing through a hamstring injury that puts most guys on the DL and plays in the largest market in the game, with the largest MLB fanbase in the world.

the media torches him because it sells papers and we read it, but the fans still know a good player when there is one, thats why he was voted in, not everyone rips this guy, and most do because they wish they had an ounce of his talent, but they will still respect him as a great player (outside of boston).

bonds overcoming a 120,000 vote defecit sounds fishy, but maybe people just felt bad for the guy since hes been quiet all year, has been trying to do the right things with the media for once and will be playing in his own park, i dont really know.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure (however fairly confident)that the SOJP staff is unaware of the fact that Paul Kariya, when becoming a free agent following the completion of his 3 year 30 million dollar contract with Anaheim (2003) chose to sign a one year 1.2 million dollar deal with Colorado, a decrease of 88% from his previous contract. So perhaps he has already tried to take a pay cut in hopes of winning a cup (which failed) and is now looking out for his future. Just something to consider.

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Spirit of Jake Plummer said...

We're well aware of Kariya's "good guy" pre-lockout contract with Colorado. That doesn't change the fact that he took a huge chunk of change to play for gross St. Louis.

Anonymous said...

See, I think Kariya taking the tiny salary with the Avs was a super merc move.

He just wanted to sign a one-year deal and hope he'd light it up (he had a solid season the year before but would now be teamed up with Selanne, whom he clicked with and thus net himself a massive, multi-year deal the following year.

Why else would you only sign a one-year deal? So he could sign with another contender the following year? It doesn't make sense.

-Hurk

malcolm said...

Gotta remember that money and contending aren't all that matters to these guys.

The city they have to live in through their contract is just as important, I don't know where Kariya stands toward the city of St. Louis, but you've gotta take that into consideration.

Same thing with Colorado -- it's reasonable to sign a one-year deal so that you can feel out the fit of the team dynamic and how you like the city. That way, you don't have to force a trade when your wife decides she hates the place and your contract hasn't expired (read: Chris Pronger).

There are a lot of factors involved besides winning percentage and base salary.

Anonymous said...

I didn't say it did change the fact that he signed with a lousy team. I was merely questioning how many times should a player take a pay cut in hopes of winning a cup when there are never guarantee's? Also it is believed that Kariya signed with the blues in hopes of playing with his younger brother Martin who also recently joined the club in June. In regards to Hurk's comment I'm not convinced a pro athlete (who's career could end at any moment) would purposely take a smaller, one year deal in hopes of getting a larger deal the following year. Kariya could have signed for solid money following the 2003 season (81 pts), he didn't need to play on a good team for a year to boost his status. Instead it is certainly resonable to assume that he was trying and win a cup by joining an established contender. He also certainly knew that his minutes (both powerplay and non) would decrease as he did not play on the first line and had to share powerplay time with an already star studded lineup. As to why he would only sign a one year deal? It seems fairly obvious this was because if he signed a long term/low pay deal he would be drastically underpaid during his tenure with the Avs. Also, one would have to assume with stars such as Joe Sakic, Peter Forsberg, Teemu Selanne, Rob Blake etc on the team they probably didn't have that much money to throw at Kariya in order to lock him up long term at his true value.

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