Monday, July 16, 2007

The Douchemeter: L.A. knows soccer like chess players know sexual intercourse

This week’s look at the douchey-ist stuff in sports:

1. AMERICAN DAVID BECKHAM FANS -- David Beckham aint Nelson Mandela or reincarnated Lady Di, but Los Angeles citizens can’t seem to tell the difference. They showered the footballer with confetti upon his arrival on U.S. soil last weekend. What are they expecting? Beckham scoring five goals a game while riding a hover bike, shooting lasers and defeating giant robot goalies made of 24-karat gold? Hes a midfielder. Hell dominate, but not in a way L.A. soccer fans will understand.

2. PEYTON MANNING -- We missed the ESPYs last night, but our buddy Jonny Viegas filled us in:

Peyton walked out with some actress and when they got to the mic she improvised, telling Manning “I just wanted to say we’re both tall people.” Peyton looked awkward for a few moments before asking “What do I say to that?” The actress replied “I dunno, we’re both tall” before Peyton pointed to the prompter and said “There’s a script.”

What a dick. We guess Peyton can’t improvise unless he’s studied 60 hours of game film beforehand.

3. SOME TWO-LEGGED ASSHOLE WHO’S NAME WE DON’T KNOW -- Oscar Pistorius wants to face able-bodied competition at the 2008 Olympics. The double amputee’s biggest handicap isn’t his legs -- or lack thereof -- mind you, but officials worried Pistorius and others will go Six Million Dollar Man on us.

According to the AP, one official was reported to have opposed Pistorius’ involvement in able-bodied races on the grounds that it could pave the way for athletes to compete wearing jet-packs on their backs. Wasn’t that Slamball?


5. BARRY BONDS -- Leave it to Bonds to make the home run chase as painful as possible. Mired in an 0/20 streak, even Bonds is tired of Barry Watch. After going 0/5 yesterday, the big slugger dropped some expletive deleteds and overturned a cart (presumably in a fit of ’roid rage). If there’s any humanity left trapped inside that steroid-crafted chest of yours, Barry, let it take over. Mash some dingers and get your record so we can talk about something else.

6. RUSSIA -- Fuck off, Russia.

7. STRIPPERS -- Another NFL/stripper incident? Stop targeting our football players, Stripper Nation; we don’t know why you’re attacking our all-American golden boys, but we don’t like it. Note: we aren’t quite sure if we’ve ripped this joke off of Stephen Colbert. If so, remove strippers from The Douchemeter and replace with us.

8. PHIL MICKELSON -- The douchebag to end all douchebags tickled SOJP pink with yet another final-round collapse on Sunday. He bogied the Scottish Opens 72nd hole to let Frenchman Gregory Havret into a playoff, then bogied the playoff hole.

Funny how the media reference last years U.S. Open meltdown every time the PGAs curviest golfer hiccups. Theyve successfully reconstructed Mickelsons choker image despite his major championships. Its like letting a pedophile play with your kids after he gets out of prison. He’s not rehabilitated! You can’t take away what Mickelson or the pedophile did in the past.

9. MARK POLISHUK -- Our old newspaper boss and fellow blogger loves our site but only posts comments to point out typos and errors. Is he helping us or ripping us? Friend or foe? Whatever he is, we cant put too much stock into his insight. After all, he drinks milk in bars and carries a facecloth wrapped in a Ziploc bag so he can wipe his bald head when he gets too sweaty (so, quite often).

10. THE PEOPLE WHO STOLE FRANK WINTERS SUPER BOWL RING -- Are they Douchemeter material because they stole Winters jewellery? Sure. But the real reason they crack the list is they reminded us of Guy Lafleur selling all his Stanley Cup rings and awards in 2001. He even sold the first fucking skates he ever wore!

Whyd they have to remind us? The Flower (a) was a legendary NHL scorer; (b) tarnished his reputation with a crappy early-1990s comeback, during which he played helmetless for Quebec and chain smoked; (c) hit rock bottom when he starred in ED commercials and sold his memorabilia. So funny, so sad.

Hey, at least Lafleur bounced back with his helicopter rental company. Cough.


malcolm said...

To be fair to Russia, that transfer agreement rapes them from behind pretty hard. Would you be willing to put a million dollar price tag on guys like Malkin, or even Valentenko?

(I know, they're not getting a cent for them as it is, but I'm assuming they've gotta be working on fixing this whole opt-out loophole, right?)

If you really want to hate Russia, hate them for giving us pieces of shit like Sergei Samsonov, Alexander Perezhogin and Alexei Yashin.

Anonymous said...

What does Polishuk do when his hairless (one would assume) nuts get sweaty from getting too close to attractive women in said bar? Use the same facecloth? Not a pretty image, and I've never even met this guy.

Chad Nevett said...

I didn't see it, but that Peyton Manning thing sounds funny as hell. Dickish, sure, but funny.

And, finally, Shuk gets the comeuppance so richly deserved.

Dave A said...

Lay off chess players.
Chess club was cool.

Mark P said...

You'd be amazed at how hair is a natural sponge for perspiration. Without it, I must rely on a tool (i.e. the washcloth) to make up for my physical shortcoming. In that sense, I'm like Oscar Pistorius, or like Hurk using a stepstool to reach anything that's higher than the bottom shelf of his cupboard.

I just presumed the mistakes were part of the site's gimmick. If this blog is supposed to be infused with the spirit of Jake Plummer, then mistakes should be par for the course. But I just can't resist the temptation to correct a few of them. You said it yourselves, I'm a former editor --- old habits die hard. The real victim here is my computer monitor, since I can't resist the temptation to circle your errors in red ink.