This week’s look at the douchey-ist stuff in sports:
1. AMERICAN DAVID BECKHAM FANS -- David Beckham ain’t Nelson Mandela or reincarnated Lady Di, but
2. PEYTON MANNING -- We missed the ESPYs last night, but our buddy Jonny Viegas filled us in:
Peyton walked out with some actress and when they got to the mic she improvised, telling Manning “I just wanted to say we’re both tall people.” Peyton looked awkward for a few moments before asking “What do I say to that?” The actress replied “I dunno, we’re both tall” before Peyton pointed to the prompter and said “There’s a script.”
What a dick. We guess Peyton can’t improvise unless he’s studied 60 hours of game film beforehand.
3. SOME TWO-LEGGED ASSHOLE WHO’S NAME WE DON’T KNOW -- Oscar Pistorius wants to face able-bodied competition at the 2008 Olympics. The double amputee’s biggest handicap isn’t his legs -- or lack thereof -- mind you, but officials worried Pistorius and others will go Six Million Dollar Man on us.
According to the AP, one official was reported to have opposed Pistorius’ involvement in able-bodied races on the grounds that it could pave the way for athletes to compete wearing jet-packs on their backs. Wasn’t that Slamball?
4. PEOPLE WHO THINK NBA SUMMER LEAGUE GAMES MATTER -- They don’t.
5. BARRY BONDS -- Leave it to Bonds to make the home run chase as painful as possible. Mired in an 0/20 streak, even Bonds is tired of Barry Watch. After going 0/5 yesterday, the big slugger dropped some expletive deleteds and overturned a cart (presumably in a fit of ’roid rage). If there’s any humanity left trapped inside that steroid-crafted chest of yours, Barry, let it take over. Mash some dingers and get your record so we can talk about something else.
7. STRIPPERS -- Another NFL/stripper incident? Stop targeting our football players, Stripper Nation; we don’t know why you’re attacking our all-American golden boys, but we don’t like it. Note: we aren’t quite sure if we’ve ripped this joke off of Stephen Colbert. If so, remove strippers from The Douchemeter and replace with us.
8. PHIL MICKELSON -- The douchebag to end all douchebags tickled SOJP pink with yet another final-round collapse on Sunday. He bogied the Scottish Open’s 72nd hole to let Frenchman Gregory Havret into a playoff, then bogied the playoff hole.
Funny how the media reference last year’s U.S. Open meltdown every time the PGA’s curviest golfer hiccups. They’ve successfully reconstructed Mickelson’s choker image despite his major championships. It’s like letting a pedophile play with your kids after he gets out of prison. He’s not rehabilitated! You can’t take away what Mickelson or the pedophile did in the past.
9. MARK POLISHUK -- Our old newspaper boss and fellow blogger “loves” our site but only posts comments to point out typos and errors. Is he helping us or ripping us? Friend or foe? Whatever he is, we can’t put too much stock into his insight. After all, he drinks milk in bars and carries a facecloth wrapped in a Ziploc bag so he can wipe his bald head when he gets too sweaty (so, quite often).
10. THE PEOPLE WHO STOLE FRANK WINTERS’ SUPER BOWL RING -- Are they Douchemeter material because they stole Winters’ jewellery? Sure. But the real reason they crack the list is they reminded us of Guy Lafleur selling all his Stanley Cup rings and awards in 2001. He even sold the first fucking skates he ever wore!
Why’d they have to remind us? The Flower (a) was a legendary NHL scorer; (b) tarnished his reputation with a crappy early-1990s comeback, during which he played helmetless for Quebec and chain smoked; (c) hit rock bottom when he starred in ED commercials and sold his memorabilia. So funny, so sad.
Hey, at least Lafleur bounced back with his helicopter rental company. Cough.