Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Three Stars (and one guy who really needs to hang up the cleats): Attack of the no-names

Last nights studs:

KASON GABBARD We have no idea who the fuck Kevin Gabbard is. For all we know, the guy could have lived next door to us all our lives, and apparently he can pitch. He tossed a three-hit shutout against Kansas City. Adjusted to factor in KCs shittiness, thats like giving up three runs over six innings! Not bad for a kid.

FRANKLIN GUTIERREZ Team who? strikes again. Lost amidst the pure offensive carnage in Mondays 11-10 White Sox/Indians tilt was youngster Gutierrezs monster day. He went four for five with a homer, three RBI and two steals. Maybe now Cleveland will bat him ahead of Jason Michaels. Man, wouldnt you feel insulted knowing Michaels bats before you in the order?

KEN GRIFFEY JR. Too bad the World Wide Web wasnt too functional during Griffs glory days…he wouldve topped plenty of Three Stars lists. He continued his strange vintage season last night with a three-run bomb off Oscar Villarreal last night. Usually he explodes a hamstring or breaks his wrist drinking a cup of tea about now, but dont you get the feeling thats not going to happen this year? Creepy.

AND ONE GUY WHO REALLY NEEDS TO HANG UP THE CLEATS: JAMIE MOYER. The Dodgers torched Phillys 97-year-old for 10 hits and 10 runs last night, including a pair of homers. Moyers now allowed 432 long flies for his career. Holy shit. If a hitter smacks 432 homers, hes had a solid career; Cal Ripken Jr. had 431. Does that mean Moyers as bad as Ripken was good? Probably not, but maybe he should call it quits.


B said...
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B said...

KASON Gabbard was called up to fill in for Kirk Shilling, the bloody sock guy. ;)

Jake said...

Thanks for the help, "b." Don't you think it's fitting, though? Of course we got Gabbard's name wrong. Who the hell is he?

Hayesism said...

nah, we wouldn't feel offended with michaels in front of us, seeing as matt larkin might be the only fantasy baseball nerd who isn't in philly or cleveland who knows who jason michaels is.